UnNews:Illinois judge resigns in disgrace
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
31 May 2013
ST. ECLAIR, ILL – Michael Cook, who was caught, white-handed, cooking up smack (or maybe it was coke; details are confused in what remains of his mind), has resigned in disgrace from his position as a Cook County judge.
A colleague died of a heroin overdose during a hunting trip with Cook. The two men were “close,” sources say, although no one would confirm that the men were lovers. “They may have just been horsing around out there,” an unnameable source suggested.
In presenting his briefs to the the county's chief judge, Michael Baricevic, for inspection, Cook said that he was “stepping down,” because “if I can't do a little smack and a little coke now and then, I don't want to be no freaking judge!”
However, local law enforcement agencies suspect that the “real reason” for Cook's decision to resign “might have something to do with our dope-sniffing dogs; they went straight for his crotch, where 12 grams of heroin and a vial of crystal methamphetamine were found, in—of all places—his honor's jockstrap.”
Cook pled “not guilty by reason of addiction” and is free on bond. Allegedly, he has purchased a one-way ticket to Tahiti.
What he “did or didn't do,” isn't all that bad, Cook told Unnews reporter Lotta Lies. “After all, Obama's a self-confessed crackhead, and he's the president of the United States of America.”
The justice system is “unusually hard on authorities who break the law,” Baricevic said, “and, if Cook is found guilty, he could receive an hour of community service.
"If his boyfriend's death is linked to Cook's drug possession, the disgraced judge faces much more serious consequences. “He could face up to a day in jail,” Baricevic said, “without possibility of parole.”
Cook became a short-circuit judge in 2004 and was appointed to full-circuit status in 2012. It is believed, by some, that, during his tenure as a judge, Cook may have given “special consideration” to local drug dealers, ruling favorably on their behalf, and could have given dozens of light sentences to Mexican drug cartel lords.
His fate is in the hands of the state supreme court. Until the disposition of Cook's case, Baricevic has assigned Cook's pending caseload to Circuit Judge Pot Haid, who smokes nothing stronger than 'a little weed.”
For his part, Judge Cook, the butt of much criticism and ridicule, reminds the public, “judge not, lest ye be judged.”
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- Jim Suhr "Illinois judge accused of heroin possession" Associated Press, May 27, 2013