UnNews:Housing demand rockets... but what will they use them for?

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

23 June 2007

Wherever you may be in High Wycombe, you can bet your arse and a pint this guy is watching you. Creepy, eh?

HIGH WYCOMBE, England -- A mass demonstration by houses in the quiet Buckinghamshire town High Wycombe has sent ripples of fear across the world. "We demand rockets!" was the chant coming up from a seemingly endless stream of bricks and mortar marching down the valley into the town. Detached, semi-demitached, condemned uninhabitable hovels, flats, even whole rows of terraced housing joined the massive mob of angry housing demanding rockets.

This all comes after the town was confirmed hive of Al Qaeda activity with little evil terrorists milling around the woods planning evil acts of terror like not destroying High Wycombe. Now the houses are trying to get in on the act. But what will they use the rockets for? That is the question. Leader of the militant wing of the National Housing Federation, 141 Gropecunt Lane, a mid-terrace slum called Dave, is somewhat vague with his position. "If you'd read the papers, then you'd know that housing demand rockets. What do you think we're going to do with them? Frig ourselves with them or something?"

When asked whether housing wanted the rockets for space exploration, annihilating their arch enemy, the wrecking ball, a grand fireworks display or to use as some bizarre sex toy for sexually frustrated houses, he refused to comment, but your humble reporter noticed something very unpleasant happen at the back entrance involving a weapon of mass destruction that happened to be lying around.

On UnNews' quest for the truth, we spoke to Elsie, a quaint little bungalow with an owner who has a gnome fetsh. She told us, "Ooooh... I'm not sure about these rockets. When I was young I had a big German one go down my chimney during the war and it left me nothing but a shimmering wreck for a while. I'd prefer a nice Stanna Stairlift anyday."

NASA's somewhat foul-mouthed spokesbadger Alabaster Codifier was sceptical that housing would want rockets for space exploration. "I bet most of these wrinkly old gits haven't been down the road in their whole fucking lives, let alone had a burning desire to explore space where no man has cunting well been before. I might be a speaking badger, but that's no excuse to keep asking me fucking retarded questions."

Tony Blair, speaking on television with his legs tied around his enormous jug ears, opined, "Thank fuck this is happening now. Whoever's prime minister when housing demand rockets is royally buggered. We're already stretched on our nation deconstruction efforts in Iraq, trying to stop my six country mansions from playing with weapons of mass destruction while I'm busy playing croquet with arms dealers at Chequers would break even the strongest of men."

Sources

• Li Ying Git "Housing demand Rockets... but what will they do with them?" Bucks Free Press, June 22, 2007

• Perves Grundy "High Wycombe is a terrorist ridden hellhole" BBC, Plebtember 45, 2093