UnNews:Horrorscope
Horrorscopes[edit | edit source]
The planets are moving in some weird pattern that means your life will get the crapped kicked outta it because hey their planets, they'll whoop your ass.
Aries 3/21-4/19 Its the holidays so that means time with the family. Don't have a family? Go to hell then. At first this seems like a good thing until you realize that its not Christmas dinner, but and intervention into your love affair with smack, or whatever.
Taurus 4/20-5/20 Nobody cares how you feel. Nobody understands you. Everybody will piss you off prompting a shooting spree that will end with a Santa Claus elf kicking your ass, and getting you on the Naughty list.
Gemini 5/21-6/21 You don't have enough money to buy presents. Only one solution, Casino. Put it all on number 8 black, payout is 35:1. After winning a new love will start out with gambling that is. You'll eventually lose everything and become addicted to speed, because the more your awake the more you can gamble right?
Cancer 6/22-7/22 Did you know that if you have this sign you are more likely to catch Cancer from Christmas light raditation, than to be mauled be a Christmas tree?
Leo 7/23-8/22 Have you done all your shopping and wrapping? No huh. Well get ready to be mauled by Christmas tree. Yup. Tis the season.
Virgo 8/23-9/22 Everybody will be coming to you with their problems. At first you will glad to help and think that hot girl will certaintly return the favor. Right? Nope, you'll quickly become overwhelmed and eventually contemplate suicide as the only way out.
Libra 9/23-10/22 A new urge for thrill seeking will take hold. Take the whole family on an extreme Snowboard(not ski) trip for the holidays. Then as they all break their necks tumbling down the Alps, only shed one tear, because there is avalanche behind you.
Scorpio 10/23-11/21 Your social status will take a dive as all your friends do drugs and you quit to have a family. But you didn't quit as peer pressure and the fact that your wife isn't the same girl, leads you right back on the bandwagon! Oh and damn it feels good till you get arrested and thrown in jail for 20 odd years. Your wife was cheating on you by the way, with Santa Clause
Sagittarius 11/22-12/21 You feel the need to get outdoors, after a hard nights drinking with George Clooney(aka some random alcoholic who is only with you cuz you're buying) that is. This will prompt you to go on a ski trip. Naked. Where your genitals will get frostbite and have to be amputated. Egg Nog, anyone?
Capricorn 12/22-1/19 Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation is the perfect gift for everyone! Except for your transexual boss who finds it insulting and decides to see how you would like it, without anesthetic.
Aquarius 1/20-2/18 This ain't your age and it never will be. If you have this sign, you can go to hell too.
Pisces 2/19-3/20 Your job sucks so why don't you quit? Good, now you'll spend the holidays in the freezing cold waving a bell for the Salvation Army. Oh sorry, that doesn't pay enough, well you should of thought of that before you quit your other job, dumbass.