UnNews:Gangbangers snap up bulletproof raincoat
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
10 March 2007
LOS ANGELES, CA - Public Enemy No. 1, the Los Angeles-based street gang that has become the new runners for the White Aryan Resistance, America’s most-feared prison gang, has added fashion to its ever-growing list of must-have items. Along with wine, women, drugs, money, and stolen property of all kinds, Public Enemy No. 1 is acquiring the bulletproof raincoat designed and tailored-to-fit by Tommy Hilfiger.
The coat, which is available in six colors and retails for $2000, is expensive, but, according to Dwayne (“Skeeter”) Brewster, a member of the notorious, up-and-coming street gang, “It’s worth every cent.” Besides, he added, “Money ain’t no object for us: drugs sales and pimping whores pay well.”
The raincoat isn’t really bulletproof, despite advertisers’ claims. It’s bullet-resistant, which means that it tends to repel low-caliber rounds. It may not stop machinegun bullets or automatic assault-rifle fire. However, Hilfiger offers “a money-back guarantee” to anyone who, while wearing the raincoat, is killed by small arms fire, which includes any weapon that fires a .38-caliber round of ammunition or a smaller round. In addition, the coat is guaranteed to stop the penetration of knives, hypodermic syringes, ice picks, and broken bottles.
“It’s just what a dude needs when he’s strutting it through South Central L. A., Harlem, Watts, or the Castro District,” Brewster, who owns six of the raincoats, each of a different color, told Unnews’ reporter, Lotta Lies. “I feel safe when I’m wearing my bulletproof Macintosh. And it‘s great for flashing unsuspecting chicks, too.”
Police are also considering purchasing the raincoat, although its biggest customer, Public Enemy No. 1, said they’d boycott Hilfiger if the company sells the garment to members of the law-enforcement community. “The last thing we need on the street is a pig in a bulletproof raincoat,” Brewster said.
According to Bernard Houseman, a representative of Hilfiger, “the coat’s the equivalent of lightweight body armor.” The problem is that it covers the body only from the shoulders to mid-calf, although the collar can be turned up to protect the back of the neck. The head, throat, hands, calves, and feet are left unprotected, and, “as everyone knows from what happened to Achilles, even a heel left exposed can get a person killed,“ Houseman said, referring to the myth in which the Greek hero whose foot alone was unprotected from harm died when he was shot there by an enemy’s arrow. To remedy this situation, the company is working on “accessories” such as a hat or a hood, a ski mask, gloves, jeans, and a pair of knee-high boots. These items should be available by mid-July, 2007, Houseman announced. If so, the FBI predicts that inner-city crime will skyrocket across the nation.
The raincoat features two large pockets for wearers’ drug stash, personal weapon, and money, which can also offer some protection for the hands when the pockets are not otherwise occupied.
The trench coat also repels rain, sleet, snow, and hail. For best protection against the elements, the coat should be fully zipped rather than being worn open at the front.
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- Lotta Lies "A bulletproof raincoat’s fine, in its way, but the raindrops will keep falling on your head" Instant News, 11 seconds ago