UnNews:Disney princesses gone wild! See what they do on the weekend
Sunday, August 9, 2015
Anaheim, California -- Ever wonder what Disney's iconic princesses do when they're not working minimum wage at Disneyland? Well, to quote the 2010 Ke$ha hit Tik Tok, they "brush [their] teeth with a bottle of Jack, cause when [they] leave for the night, [they] ain't coming back."
"We go out and party our asses off," says Sleeping Beauty. "About the only thing that keeps me awake on the weekends after slaving away at Disneyland."
"Oh please! She barely parties," says Snow White. "This bitch sleeps more than Sleepy!"
"At least one of us is having a ball," interjects Cinderella.
"Then why do you keep running away from the ball?" asks Snow White.
The bickering continues for twenty minutes, but it's all good-natured roasting. These girls have known each other for twenty years or more, and they get along like sisters.
So what exactly do Disney's leading ladies do when not in the presence of Mickey Mouse?
"I sleep in till 1:30," says Sleeping Beauty. "I wake up, eat, drinks lots of caffeinated coffee, play party music to keep my energy up. Any kind of party music: 80s, Michael Jackson, disco, dance, techno, EDM, Natalie La Rose, Eden xo, synth-pop, Britney Spears, anything really. Except country."
"Then I arrive in a pumpkin coach," says Cinderella, "because my fairy godmother doesn't want me to drive a BMW. My stepmother doesn't want me to drive anything! And yet my bitch stepsisters all have Porsches! Ugh."
"We carpool. We jam some of the same party music as when I woke up," says Sleeping Beauty. "Then we pick up Snow White, Belle, and Jasmine. Sometimes we pick up Finns (Ariel) and La Latina (Pocahontas), because they sure know how to party. And sometimes we pick up Ursula because she kills it at karaoke!
"Then Jasmine and I go in the back and smoke some bongs. I told you she knew how to party!"
Some of their favorite party activities include drinking, smoking, using illicit drugs, karaoke, dancing to party music, and chasing boys. This evening, quasi-celebrities such as Youtube personality Ricky Dillon and Twitter's Elvis Brown partied with the Disney girls.
Ariel's karaoke rendition of Eden xo's "The Weekend" didn't go over too well. "I must've lost my voice," she explains. However, Ursula brought the house down by finishing the Eden xo soon-to-be hit.
"Ariel, darling, you need to work on your pipes," said Ursula. "Lou Plummer is the best plumber in California."
"Looks who's talking," quipped Ariel.
The fun continued until Sleeping Beauty pricked her finger on a champagne bottle tampered with by an undercover officer. She fell into a deep sleep, only to be woken by Prince Charming the next morning. Ariel, 16, was arrested for underage drinking, while the rest of the gang was arrested for contributing to the consumption of alcohol by a minor. Walt Disney Company made no comment, but an insider blamed it on the Jews.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Retlaw Yensid "Oh my god, it's the weekend! See what these Disney princesses are up to!" E! News, August 8, 2015