UnNews:California rolls out automatic car registration for Californian voters

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February 20, 2023

Californian voters everywhere will soon rejoice at the prospect of never having to visit one these gawd-awful places ever again.

SACRAMENTO, CA: California Governor Gavin Newsom brazenly announced this morning a completely new bill which he has secretly signed into California's official state election code: the "Gavin Newsom Voter Motor Law" (GNVML). Motor vehicle registrations in the state of California will henceforth be handed out like candy to any person of any gender who votes, or registers to vote, or even valiantly attempts to do either. This bold new initiative, which also automatically lowers both the minimum voting age and the minimum driving age in the Golden State to 13, has been roundly cheered by the vast majority of 12.9-year-old teenagers across the nation. It is expected to pass in the California State Legislature strictly along party lines by whopping majorities.

In addition to automatically creating and renewing vehicle registrations every time a bell rings a voter votes, the law also automatically creates and renews driver licenses, auto insurance policies, driving-lesson exemptions, vehicle excise tax waivers, highway road-toll discounts, and electric charging station vouchers every time an angel gets his wings a voter votes. This is expected to cut down substantially on excessively-long wait times at California Department of Motor-Vehicle Registry websites, most of which are located in California itself.

All fees and surcharges for these currently expensive and time-consuming activities will be automatically deferred until such time as a voter dies or votes for any Republican candidate or buys a non-electric car, whichever comes first. Lost state revenue for implementing the expanded range of voter benefits will be partially offset by increasing the sin tax on all sinful activities, such as purchasing or carrying assault weapons which look like they could be used to actually shoot somebody.

The new law also includes a bonus provision for having it permanently incorporated into California's bloated state constitution by way of an impromptu statewide referendum to be held sometime next Tuesday, which has only recently been declared a floating bi-monthly state holiday by Newsom's executive order. Free organically-grown snack foods and free organically-brewed beer and free parking will be served freely to all voters and wanna-be voters during the statewide gala event. The vast majority of mail-in voters and out-of-state absentee voters and internet voters will, sadly, miss out on the free snacks and free beer and free parking; instead they will have to be satisfied with all the other free stuff which voting entails and the comforting knowledge that only Governor Newsom knows what is best for them.

Republicans everywhere roundly condemned the Voter Motor Law, probably because they hate democracy so much. A vast coalition of right-wing lawyers in the rural-controlled portions of Alabama have already filed suit in the US Supreme Court (Rural-controlled portions of Alabama v. California), where they fervently hope and pray the entirely of California's needlessly progressive election laws (along with the entirety of California's bloated state constitution) will be struck down strictly along ideological lines by a whopping majority.

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