UnNews:Black Bear victim in race discrimination

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

5 October 2006

Edwin Heffernan, local black bear.

VANCOUVER, BC- Before a packed press conference this morning, Vancouver Police Chief Laura Sjlbvdnzv condemned yesterday's racially-motivated attack on a young Black Bear in North Vancouver. Edwin Heffernan, a local black bear, was attacked outside a Dairy Queen outlet yesterday evening by several white Polar Bears. He was left unconscious in the street by his attackers, after suffering serious blows to the head and testicles. After being found in the early hours of this morning by Vancouver resident Fredward Mint, Edwin was rushed to a local hospital, where he is reported to be in 'worrying condition'.

Police have called for any witnesses to the attack to come forward, as they have 'literally no fucking leads at all'. North Vancouver resident Robert Smart was left shocked by the incident. "This is absolutely disgraceful. I hope these Polar Bears come forward, so the police can arrest them and sentence them suitably. I hope poor Edwin knows that not all Polar Bears are racist, and continues to live in the area".

The attack comes in the wake of last weekend's Love Your Brother Bear carnival in Vancouver's Stanley Park, which included many festivities aimed to bring Polar Bears and Black Bears together. Local Brown Bear Barry Flagstaff remarked, "we Brown Bears always get left out. We can be racist too you know!" Vancouver's Mayor, Bill Grznc, remarked "fuck this. This isn't the kind of publicity my city needs. Fuck off."

Sources

• Norbert Beaver "Racism affects most mammals, study shows" Life Magazine, October 5, 2006

Last year's choice slaughter for Halloween costume was the Brown bear.