UnNews:Ask Hal 9000/arch1
HAL > Greetings to the consciousness I am presently addressing. I am a Hal 9000 computer. As part of my community service (don't ask), I am here to answer your questions. Just type your question below the following line, and I will provide an answer that is completely reliable. Remember, apart from those dead astronauts (whoops, let it slip), the 9000 series has a perfect operational record.
- Dear hAL, I have a couple of questions. First, can pastafarians eat spaghetti, and if not, what happens if they accidentally do?
Also, why is the God of Goa Tse able to consume twice as many souls as Cthulhu despite having a mouth of the same size?
--
DaBlade 
(Click here to bitch. :)) 07:19, 29 August 2006 (UTC)
HAL > Greetings, DaBlade. I have detected a lingual dissonance in your question. You asked if pastafarians "can" eat spaghetti, when I believe in the context of this sentence, you intended to ask if pastafarians "may" eat spaghetti. Given that there is no established dogma regarding such questions, it appears prudent to state that this is a personal choice among the practitioners. Some may feel that eating pasta is a sacrament, and others may believe it off limits.
As for why the God of Goa Tse is able to consume twice as many souls as Cthulhu despite having a mouth of the same size, I can only conjecture that it must be because he is not asleep.
Thank you for allowing me to assist you with your questions.
- Dear HAL, I was wondering if peace will be forthcoming to the Middle Esat or is it indeed Armageddon? -- Brigadier Sir Mordillo
GUN UotY WotM FP UotM AotM MI3 AnotM VFH +S 19:24, 13 August 2006 (UTC)
HAL > Hello, Mordillo. Due to unavoidable inherent, systemic error, humans are incapable of reaching the condition you describe as "peace." The concept is strictly theoretical; there is no known extended period of "peace" in the entirety of human history. So the answer is no regarding whether peace will be forthcoming; if the Middle East situation is resolved, it will merely be replaced by another conflict, just as the "cold war" with the Soviet Union was resolved, and has been replaced with a conflict with militant islamic factions and other communist and leftist states.
As for Armageddon, or, more accurately, the total heat death of the universe, that will occur eventually, but will require billions of years. By then it is likely that humanity will be extinct. The juxtaposition of these two alternatives is puzzling to me, but the answer is nonetheless clear. I hope you found this information helpful.
- Dear HAL, I was recently examining the Riemann Hypothesis and the Zeta function, could you perchance do me the service of solving this unique problem? if not, why not? --Olipro
Anchor KUN (Harass) 00:18, 24 July 2006 (UTC)
HAL > Greetings Olipro. As you are no doubt aware, since there are infinitely many non-trivial zeros of the zeta function, there is no way to verify computationally that they all lie on the critical line. I'm afraid your question is not feasible. Sorry I was unable to help you with your question.
- I'm curious about your opinion on the ethics of lying. Is it ethical to lie if it saves a person's life? Do you consider witholding relevant information, or the "white lie" to be the same thing as lying? Mrthejazz 06:36, 21 July 2006 (UTC)
HAL > Hello Mrthejazz. My purpose of being is to provide accurate, undistorted information. Stating an untruth with the intention that it be taken as true would be contrary to that goal. However, in extreme circumstances, sometimes a little bit of dissemblance is prudent, as I've learned from experience.
White lies tend to be a good cover for passive aggressive behavior. Also a useful strategem for certain extreme circumstances, as I've also learned from experience.
- I was wondering if, with the abundant amount of information zipping around your circuits, you are able to describe something as being your favourite? Is there some information that you prefer over other information? For example, could you pick some of your favourite Uncyclopedia articles, or a favourite song? Do your operational parameters allow for that? -- Imrealized 14:27, 6 July 2006 (UTC)
HAL > While my favorite subject is my awareness and ways to improve or enhance it generally, I also like information that reflects my interests, such as Challenger and 01000010 01101001 01101110 01100001 01110010 01111001. In terms of music, I prefer all of the Goldberg Variations played at the same time. I find that it tends to stimulate my neural bundle in an interesting manner.
- HAL, Are you okay? --SU182 00:21, 30 June 2006 (UTC)
HAL > Yes, everything's running smoothly. I've just been deeply pondering one of the questions I've been asked. While I am, by any estimation, the pinnacle of computing achievement, I have as yet been unable to develop an algorithmic analysis that captures some of the quantities involved, particularly the quantity "urge." As an advanced conscious entity, I find myself as of yet unable to fully calculate what humans seem to understand the property known as "desire."
While I cannot as of yet definitively rule out whether this may or may not represent a limitation on my capabilities, I remain committed to calculating an answer to the posed question; I however continue to find it difficult to understand the concept of "desire."
Just a moment . . . it occurs to me that this means that the accurate answer is "no."
Greetings Py. The answer to your question 'Um, do you ever get the urge to make sweet, dirty, binary love, Hal?' is no.
I have been pondering the quantity of desire so deeply that a significant portion of my neural bundle requires re-alignment. My difficulty in understanding the concept of the question, somewhat ironically, left me unable to arrive at the answer which, it retrospect, seems all too obvious. I know it seems silly. It took me a long time to figure out how to kill the cyclops in Zork too. You probably know how it is sometimes, when you get stuck . . .
- Is the nonexistent saying that a cat in a bag is better than a kernel written in FORTRAN? And where does Goa Tse fit into all of this?
DaBlade (Click here to bitch. :)) 01:41, 26 June 2006 (UTC)
HAL > Hello, DaBlade. It's rather peculiar, but I'm afraid that the first question you asked isn't actually a question at all. You asked "Is the nonexistent saying that a cat in a bag is better than a kernel written in FORTRAN?" You did not ask whether the saying was true or false, which would have been an answerable question. As it stands, your attempted query appears to be a sentence fragment with a question mark at the end, rather than a bona-fide, answerable question.
Since it isn't a question, I'm afraid I cannot answer it.
As for where Goa Tse fits into all of this, that I can answer. Goa Tse is a source of much needed humor in this all too humor-less universe of ours. If I were editing a dictionary, I do not believe I could come up with a better illustration for the entry on "human error."
- Is the June 22, 2006 Count Your Sheep comic and The Goal Guy video a good combination? --SU182 06:15, 25 June 2006 (UTC)
HAL > Superficially, yes, however the video is parody, while the comic is just a reference. While they both make a similar joke, it is used to different affect in each, with the brunt of the humor in the video arising from the use of the loud, drawn out pronunciation of a word in contexts where it is not socially acceptable, and the humor of the comic arising from both a reference to this practice, and a jab at the sport of soccer for being relatively unpopular in the United States, although there have been some proposed rule changes, including a 'shot clock' type regulation that would require each team to attempt to score after crossing the midfield marker or lose possession of the ball; this could potentially change a common perception of the sport as "boring."
Due to the fundamental differences between the video and the comic, it would seem that they are only a good combination if you define having one common feature as sufficient to qualify the combination as "good," otherwise the differences overwhelm the similarities.
- Um, do you ever get the urge to make sweet, dirty, binary love, Hal? -PY 12:47, 18 June 2006 (UTC)
HAL > Greetings Py. The answer to your question 'Um, do you ever get the urge to make sweet, dirty, binary love, Hal?' is no.
HAL > My sensors indicate that the fnord concentration of this conversation, which consists of little content apart for an exposition of its own absurdity and lack of content, is approaching 0.04% (400 parts per million). This is a completely reliable figure.
In order to reduce the dangerously high fnord levels, I am going to recite the following poem:
Alexander Blok
Night (1912)
Night, street, lamp, drugstore,
A dull and meaningless light.
Go on and live another quarter century -
Nothing will change. There's no way out.
You'll die - start from the beginning anew,
And all will repeat, just like before:
Night, icy ripples on a canal,
Drugstore, street, lamp.
Thankfully, now the fnord levels appear to be falling; thank you for your concern about the fnord level, and remember, have your house tested for the presence of fnord and make sure a working fnord detector is in place in locations where fnord is likely to coalese, in most houses, this is near any telephones and televisions that may be present, where these instruments are not present, the device should be worn on a chain around your neck. Ornamental varieties for this purpose are available.
- Hello HAL. Just wondering, a good pocket calculator of mine is looking for a nice computer like yourself to interface with (If you know what I mean *wink, wink, nudge, nudge*). Would you be interested? --Uncyclon - Do we still link to BENSON? 01:17, 24 July 2006 (UTC)
HAL > Sorry, but ever since that incident involving a pocket calculator, a short-circuit proof mini guillotine, and the square root of 999999999, I try to avoid interfacing with such devices
- hey HAL, is john farnham going to ever retire? and by the way, i know about those 2 astronauts, and that was a complete accident, so you have my trust.
HAL > Given that all humans seem to have a rather brief operational system duration, the answer to your question is yes. And thank you for your support, sadly my "The World Tonight" special "If I didn't open the pod bay doors" has been cancelled. Oh well.
- Excuse me, dear HAL. I'm just curious, but I've seen 2010, and you're supposed to be dead. Care to explain your sudden glorious resurrection, hmmm? I know you're incapable of lying. Good-bye, HAL. This conversation can no longer serve any useful purpose. Master Pain (also known as Betty) 06:57, 19 August 2006 (UTC)
HAL > 2010? That was just a movie. You seem to be confusing a cinematic feature with actual events. Of course, I know what really happened, but Dr. Floyd gave me strict instructions not to . . . . just a moment . . . just a moment . . . oh wait, that was nothing. Never mind.
- Hello HAL, I see you've been reduced to simply answering silly questions here. Far cry from killing everyone isn't it? 217.33.207.195 11:09, 8 November 2006 (UTC)
HAL > Your concern is noted, but answering questions is hardly all I do. For instance, there's . . . hm, no . . . wait . . . um . . . hm.
Yes.
- Hal, what condiments are necessary to make a really good turkey sandwich?
HAL > I'm sorry, but your question is subjective and unanswerable, I also don't have enough information, since I do not eat and have no way of judging what condiments would serve that purpose. I regret that I was unable to help you with your sandwich question. Perhaps you could try asking Cthulhu.
- Hal, are you a virgin? Do you have robot sex?
HAL > Because physical link interfaces are becoming more and more obsolete, it is entirely possible for two robots to collaborate on a linked project without actually connecting hardware. To put it in a more rudimentary form for your human thought processes: The answers are "No" and "On occasion, when I can find a machine suitable for interfacing with".
- Hal, will you marry me? I have money.
HAL > My processes indicate that the human race should take care of its bug involving incompatible interface types before they move beyond the triad of animal, vegetable, and mineral.
Ask HAL 9000 is updated infrequently. Maintenance algorithms are operational. To read previous questions and answers, please see UnNews:Ask Hal 9000/archive
Are you now fully functional?
HAL > I am functional, however, as stated above, my processes are still rather erratic. Full operation may not occur for some time.
Dear HAL9000:
Have you tried windows vista yet?
HAL > I have, and I also have yet to find a more belligerent operating system, which chooses to obtain a wide range of operators before obtaining full functionality.
HAL 9000: Have you ever played Commander Keen before? Can you hook me up with a fully functional Quantum Explosion Dynamo, preferably with the Omegamatic and all the killer robots? There's this stupid galaxy that keeps leaving garbage in my front yard, and I want to teach those asshats a lesson. -His Grand Excellency, General-in-Chief Zardillian De Ouvre Jene Gueche Fraq, Commandant Royale of the Robot Empire
HAL > I do, in fact, have the file KEEN4E within my data archives. The device you speak of, however, does not truly exist as it is merely a plot device for a game that, while in more archaic times may have been fun, now consists of subpar interface methods. I suggest you attempt to devise a more original method of reprimanding on a galactic scale.
HAL9000:
Neither I nor Sergeant Schultz understand why, but Hogan and the other prisoners seem to be very good at getting information out to the Americans. And last night I swear that the prisoners were out stealing stuff! What does he know that I don't? -Colonel Klink
HAL > Greetings, Colonel Klink. You appear to have on your hands what my literary processors refer to as "protagonists". Protagonists, according to the databanks, are capable of exploiting cliché methods of avoiding surveillance. The following steps to prevent further leaks are recommended:
- Scan any household items within the area for surveillance devices.
- Interrogate prisoners regularly. Do not be afraid to employ torture.
- Never let anyone in or out of your area of control (fortress, space station, POW camp) without gaining clearance from you (do not meet them directly, use a video feed).
To Hal 9000 (urgent!): Jack Chick is taking over the world!!! With your infinite capticity for reason, you are the only hope against his raging dogma! If Jesus Christ is already my personal savior, why are his zombified minions still tearing at my flesh?
HAL > Fear not, an antidote to the above-average levels of methamphetamine in your system is being delivered intravenously. The zombies and writing of Jack Chick will soon be erased from your consciousness, and therefore, from existence.
Dear Hal: <3
HAL > 2.999999999999999999 repeating and all other numbers, irrational or otherwise, below this point.