UnBooks:A Most Confusing Turn Of Events

A story about an unusual day in the life of Toddificus the Grandiose.

Chapter 1: An unusual start to an unusual day

Toddifficus awoke with a start. 11 AM, an unusually late time to wake up, usually the sound of the 4 AM alligator orgy at his local park 3 blocks down woke him up so he could get to work by 7. It was a 2 hour commute to the city and it took him an hour to get to his car because of the alligator infestation that appeared 3 months ago, one of them had taken a liking to his car and decided to root inside it. An alligator seed must have blown in from Florida or something and caused the infestation, there aren't usually many alligators in Canada.

Todificus crawled out of bed to get dressed, he made sure to keep quiet so the apples wouldn't break down his walls and try eating him again, one of them had even rooted in his car... had he already said that? Todifficus knew this was going to be a horrible day, the apple orgies weren't waking him up anymore so he'd have to go out and but an alarm clock AND he was late for work. He hoped he wasn't fired.

No, wait, it wasn't apples, it was alligators. Yes, he could see the alligator rooted in his car right now. It was impossible to uproot an alligator, you could only decapitate them but they would grow back within 2 hours. They could be crocodiles, he never could tell the difference between alligators and crocodiles. It took an hour but he managed to incapacitate the alligator for now, and he drove to work.

Chapter 2: Tobbificus goes to work

On the way to work Tobbifficus noticed the sky was bright and blue. Unusual, since the sky was usually overcast with smog. Tobifficus hoped it would snow soon so he would have an excuse as to why he was late. When he arrived at work at 1:25 PM, he was greeted by his boss, Ernie. This was an unusual occurrence, it wasn't Ernie's lunch break yet. Ernie has moved the lunch breaks to an unusually late hour for all employees starting today, he had notified them yesterday after lunch. The new break was 1:26 PM, an usually specific time, but Tobificus reasoned it was no more unusually specific than any other time. "Tobyficus! How are you, mate?" This was unusual, Tobyffycus didn't remember Ernie being Australian. It had been unusually bright and sunny for Canada in winter, perhaps he had forgotten he'd moved to Australia. He didn't know when he would have had time to do this, but his memory had been bad recently. "You're unusually early, Tobycus, you're not supposed to be in until 7 PM." Toddicus had sworn his shift started 7 AM, he decided to let Ernie know his concern, it was unusual he had gotten it wrong. "I thought my shift started 7 AM?" "No, it says right here you start 7 PM... wait, no, it says 7:00, pretty unusual I thought it was 19:00, eh?" It was unusual that Toby had thought Ernie was speaking with an Australian accent, perhaps he was in Canada as per usual, that would finally be something usual since he had woken up.

As Tobby sat down at his desk, he found it unusual there was a window to his right, he usually had a blank wall there. As he looked out the window, his hopes dropped as he saw desert outside. He wasn't in Canada as per usual. It was unusual to see a vast desert outside, even if he was in Australia, his office was in the middle of a city. He remembered that something usual had happened that morning, when he beat the alligator in his car into submission, but he remembered he wasn't in Canada anymore and there was no alligator infestation. He thought about it and realized the thing in the back of his car was actually the body of his boss, Ernie. Tommy had killed him last night. Unusual that Ernie was still alive, but perhaps Timmy's drunkenness caused him to kill the wrong person. Unusual, since Tobby had good vision, but he had had memory problems lately, it wouldn't be unusual if his vision was also impaired, or would it be unusual?

Chapter 3: The meat-eating 2 1/2-horned Wampafwugs of Venitilini

Timothy didn't actually know what he did for work, so he decided to write a Wikipedia article about his unusual morning. This was out of character for him, he thought, one might call it unusual. He never really used Wikipedia, he didn't care to spread or learn information, he just liked sleeping and watching the telly. Maybe he was going insane, he thought, that's why there's been so many unusual occurrences today. Tibalt dismissed the thought, it was more likely aliens were hacking his brain or they put him in a simulation.

"If this were a usual alien story," Tinsel thought, "a UFO would have blasted into the office or abducted me on the way to work." Trobert had never seen any alien invasion movies or read any alien invasion books, he just assumed things like this. Little did Tobathy know, the meat-eating 2 1/2-horned Wampafwugs of Venitilini were planning to invade Earth at that very moment. They were scanning people's brains from afar to make sure nobody knew of their plan, and it just so happened they scanned his brain first and at the very moment he was daydreaming about an alien invasion that just so happened to align exactly with their plans and what the Wampafwugs looked like. They panicked and vowed not to invade until the plans were changed or 5 years had passed, a Wampafwug year is equal to about 1.00000000001 Earth years for reference. If you would like to know more about the Wampafwugs first plan for invasion you should read the article on Hello Kitty, at least I think that's the right one.

Chapter 4: An unusual number of unusual occurrences in an unusually short span of time

Toddificus awoke with a start, he'd fallen asleep at work again. He hadn't been sleeping well the past three months, and had begun feeling drowsy at work. Toddificus looked at his screen, it was a Wikipedia page, the title was My Unu and there was nothing written in the article. Why was he on Wikipedia? He should have been handling the finances of the company. He looked out the window to his right and saw the usual view of a smoggy sky with tall grey offices and dirty snow on the ground. He didn't remember getting to work, but he'd been having memory problems recently, perhaps related to his trouble sleeping recently.

It was 15:00, right when his shift ended. Lucky he'd woken up or he'd have gotten in trouble for sleeping. His memory problems had gotten worse recently. He could only remember waking up late that morning and the rest was blank. Todificus gathered his things and left work, he got in his car and started driving back home, a little bit into the trip Toddifficus realized he'd forgotten about the alligator rooted in his car. This was unusual, he wouldn't forget something like that, but he had been having memory problems lately. The alligator attacked him, and the car was thrown off the road and tumbled down the incline. As he fought against the alligator, Tobbificus reflected on what a horrible and unusual day this had been so far, this was unusual for him as he wasn't the self-reflective type. It was almost as if he were in a hell where nothing made sense. That sure would be something but no, he was in Canada, the 51st state of the USA.

Chapter 5: Hammering the unusual in here

Tobby awoke with a start, he was face down in the snow. This was unusual, as he was in Australia, or maybe Florida. He seemed to be mostly unscathed aside from some scrapes and blunt force trauma to the head after he flew out the windshield when the car hit the ground at the bottom of the incline. He looked at the car, and there was no trace of the body. Shit, the guy had gotten away. His car was mostly unscathed aside from the front being completely crushed in and a suspiciously man-shaped hole in the windshield. It seemed as though Tinsel could have fit in the hole, whose car was this anyway? It was unusual there was a crashed car at the bottom of this incline and it was even more unusual that Tobey was at the bottom of the incline. What was he doing down here? He faintly remembered either an alligator or an apple attacking him... why would an alligator attack someone? They weren't vicious carnivores with no remorse like cats or apples.

Torbek decided to climb up the incline to the road, but a little ways up he noticed footprints coming out of the car and along the side of the woods that bordered the incline. He felt compelled to follow them. He turned and slid down on his back. As he followed the tracks, he looked up to see if he could gauge what time it was. The sky was pitch black, unusual since the moon or stars would should be there, but he assumed it was smoggy like usual and it was covering the light. This was unlikely because not a single usual thing had happened that day and there was no smog the rest of the day as far as he could remember. He looked back ahead and noticed a limpinh man in a coat, the coat was slightly dark orange and puffy, the collar was fluffy and stained with dark red. It was unusual that this man was wearing a big puffy coat in Australia during the summer. Tomboy decided to help the man and help him recover from the car crash, but the man turned after he heard Tibalt's footsteps in the dirt and starting to move faster away from him, the man also started screaming for help, this was unusual, why did the man seem so afraid of Tobificus?

Chapter 6: The unusual end

Tobby ran at his victim. He hit the man with his body and knocked him to the ground before stomping his face in with his foot. Best not to risk the man living and spilling the beans to the fuzz. He dragged the man's body into the woods and hid it in some bushes. He walked back to the border of the woods and scaled the incline, he stayed just out of visibility of any cars passing by. He walked alongside the road until he made it to his house. Tobifficus walked across the road and into his house, wary of any alligators. His neighborhood had gotten an alligator infestation 3 months ago, a seed probably blew in from Florida or something, as it was unusual to get alligators in Canada. He crawled into bed at around 1:30 AM and thought about the horrible and unusual day he had for a bit. Things were getting worse every day and it felt like nothing made sense to Toddificus anymore. He fell asleep and dreamed of sugarplum mountains and dancing grandmothers. This was an unusual thing for him to dream about because he usually dreamed about shaving the hair off of babies so that the parents could have a smooth spherebaby.

What an unusual man. What kind of name is Toddificus anyways?