UnVoyage:New Jersey
New Jersey is in the Excited States of America.
Recently New Jersey was bored so it wanted to add New York and Philadelphia to the state. It was founded after Old Jersey got sunken by Poseidon. Its main industries are corn, wood, dust, horse rides, and art not!
Regions[edit | edit source]
- Lehigh Valley
- Thousand Islands
- Park Place and Boardwalk
Cities[edit | edit source]
New York City[edit | edit source]
New York City is New Bjork City's sister city and has no ice castle but is known for being built atop of liquor.
What to do: go shopping for drugs down 5th avenue, ride the walrus, jump off the Umpire State Building, vandalise the UN, go smell the roses of Central Park, ride a camel, go golfing, see the operas like Nightmare on Elm Street, Carmen, Barber of Seville, or Sliders, see a Broadway play, dance, play poker, see an erotic art museum, view the most famous work of erotic art, eat bagels, and wash people's windshields as they come out of the Lincoln Tunnel.
Philadelphia[edit | edit source]
This city is famous for sandwiches, pie, ice, and experiments. It is home to Benjamin Franklin who often parties at his mansion. What to do:You can paint on ceilings, ski, go for 18 holes of golf, see the liberty bell or party at Ben Franklin's house.
Atlantis City[edit | edit source]
This city was built by rich man Pennypags to bring vacationers to the beach. It is home to a palace made from marshmallows and has the infamous jail. It also gets cold in the winter from the snow. The city is patterned after Atlantis to amuse the clowns. It also is home to Miss Atlantic.
Newark[edit | edit source]
A beautiful city in the high foothills of the Appalachian mountains overlooking New York. It is home to Logan St. Claire. What to do: Visit the famous 16th century castle built by the Ancient Geese.
Morristown[edit | edit source]
- George Washington slept here.
- Betsy Schuyler sure got around.
Minor Cities[edit | edit source]
Cape May[edit | edit source]
Superhero capital of America. Batman, Superman, Spiderman,Ironman, Captain America, Wonder Woman, Stevie Wonder, Cap'n Crunch, Tony the Tiger, the Fantastic Four, Aquaman, the Flash, Zorak, the X-Men, the X-rated Men, the Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Samurai Lincoln, and Pop all live here.
Mystic Islands[edit | edit source]
The most mystic place on Earth, where the Wizard of Oz and Into the Mystic were made.
Cherry Hill[edit | edit source]
Home to the Cherry Groves that make it famous.
Princeton[edit | edit source]
An Industrial City known for its fast food and ballet. It has a University built by the Druids (out of their own spit).
Wilmington[edit | edit source]
Ugly City because of its uranium factories, mostly built by Willy Wonka. It never was beautiful. Ever.
Los Chiyorkphigo[edit | edit source]
also known as the Big Disappointment, it is soon to be renamed Winfrey City, Los Chiyorkphigo is home to the Church of Oprah. for more info klick here
Other destinations[edit | edit source]
- Viagra Falls - Due to ongoing misuse of anabolic steroids, the only waterfall to run uphill.
Understand[edit | edit source]
Talk[edit | edit source]
No one understands what anyone from "Joisey" is saying. Fogeddiboutit.
Get in[edit | edit source]
- das Hindenburg, 1939 Hitlerstrasse, Berlin. A favorite of Led Zeppelin fans for many years. Daily departures from Europe to New Jersey.
Get around[edit | edit source]
- Hotwire a car. You can be gone in sixty seconds.
See[edit | edit source]
- Bon Jovi, Living on a Prayer Stadium. We realise it's painful, but there's nothing else to do in New Jersey
- The Jersey Shore people, That house in Jersey Shore. Party with those guidoes and fuck like there's no tomorrow! NOTE: Before visiting them, read this first.
Itineraries[edit | edit source]
White Star Line's RMS Titanic offers itineraries from Southampton UK to NYC; if you survive, complimentary onward connections via New Jersey are offered by the Pennsylvania Railroad.
As the Penn Central is even more of a wreck than the Titanic, proceed at your own risk and try not to get sidetracked.
Do[edit | edit source]
- Build a hôtel on Boardwalk and establish a Monopoly. All of the locations on a standard US Monopoly board are available from any Atlantic City realtor™ at foreclosure prices.
Eat[edit | edit source]
- Go to the Thousand Islands for the salad buffet.
- Go to Philadelphia and load up on cream cheese.
Drink[edit | edit source]
- Like any other third-world country, don't drink the water.
Stay safe[edit | edit source]
Only one way to stay safe.. don't go to Joisey.
Go next[edit | edit source]
- Boston. And don't look back. It's more than a feeling, Amanda.
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Off the Beaten Path three wrong turns ago. |