Laws of thermodynamics

“Ah yes, this thermo is indeed dynamic”

~ Oscar Wilde

Discovered and written by Sir Isaac Asimov in 1766, the laws of thermodynamics are considered to be the very basis of science as we know it.

The laws

The original laws

1. You must NOT talk about thermodynamics.
2. A thermodynamic may not harm a human being, or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
3. The arbitrariness of the Universe keeps arbitrarily arbitrating arbitrarily
4. A thermodynamic must protect its own existence, as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

Laws that other people added

• In 1820, Aristotle declared the fourth law of thermodynamics to read "Thermodynamics shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances." This law was repealed in 2001.
• In 1865, mystical runes written on the walls of The Cave of Eternity were discovered. The runes declared the fifth law of thermodynamics to abolish thermodynamic slavery. This law was repealed in 2001.
• In 2070 BC, God made the sixth law of thermodynamics. It simply stated "Thermodynamics shalt not kill." This law was repealed in 2001.
• In 1888, Murphy's seventh law of thermodynamics was posted. Its text read "Left to themselves, thermodynamics tend to go from bad to worse." This law was repealed in 2001, but no difference in thermodynamics has occurred because of this repeal.
• In 1935, the eighth law or thermodynamics was discovered by Adolf Hitler. He politely pointed out that "Jewish thermodynamics should be removed from this earth by my final solution." This law was repealed in 1945, and was then megarepealed in 2001.
• In 1920, the eighteenth law of thermodynamics prohibited thermodynamics from existing. However, secret thermodynamic labs were built in defiance of this law. This law was repealed in 2001.
• In 1921, the meta-eighteenth law of thermodynamics prohibited laws of thermodynamics from existing. This law was repealed in 2001.
• In 1930, the twenty first law of thermodynamics declared the eighteenth law null and void. This law was repealed in 2001.
• During the end of time, Isaac Newton said there was a mistake in the original laws. He said that they should read as follows:

1. Energy cannot be created or destroyed, only modified in form.
2. It is impossible to obtain a process that, operating in cycle, produces no other effect than a positive heat flow from a colder body to a hotter one.
3. All processes cease as temperature approaches zero.

People just looked at him funny and then laughed at him for being stupid enough to believe that he could change thermodynamics. He spent the rest of his life in isolation. These laws were repealed in 2001.

• In 1970 Sir Elton John sited the third law of thermodynamics which states you cant get away from it when he wrote "Its one more beer and I don't hear you anymore" with respect to his fat dominating ex fiance' in his imortal work "Some one saved my life tonight"
• In 1974, the First Law of Thermodynamics was temporarily renamed "Alchemy's First Law of Equivalent Exchange" by annoying obsessive Fullmetal Alchemist fans. Later that year, the science community brutally slaughtered the Fullmetal Alchemites and returned the law to its proper name.
• The Zeroth Law of Thermodynamics was added by preschooler Davey Pants in 1998, and it states that "if two things are the same hot then they are the same temp'rature". The president of Science was on crack whilst reading Davey's law submission form and therefore approved it, annoying a large number of scientists who thought they were better-qualified. It has not yet been repealed.
• The First Law of Thermodynamics has something to do with loss of energy, which all of us must have experienced at least once after having cheese, turkey, or alcohol.
• On December 25, 2000, some guy named Nietzsche said that something called Entropy Death meant that God is dead. A lot of people got mad.
• In 2005 The laws were written by a mister T. Durden to read
  • Third law: only two molecules to a reaction guys.
  • Fourth Law: no electrons, no dark matter.
  • Fifth and final law of thermodynamics: if this your first time in existence, you gotta react.

The Great Repeal

In 2001, President George W. Bush said that all the extra laws of thermodynamics were "confusing the hell out of [him]". As such, he repealed them. Congress attempted to strike down the repeal, fearing that "this shit sounds important", but because the President is above checks and balances, it was in vain. Later that year he recanted his decision sighting that his favorite pair of tweety bird slipers no longer fit him even though his feet had not grown and was unable to assign a federal commission to investigate the matter in the wake of the repelation.

Applications of the laws

Currently, the only known use of the laws is to serve as knowledge tested on a science exam.

Fun facts to colour in and keep

• A frequent paradox is "Do the laws of thermodynamics apply in Amish cities?" Attempts to answer this question in 2005 were inconclusive.

• The laws of thermodynamics are often confused with power metal band The Claws of Hermaphrodites. In fact, God often gets the two mixed up. As such, the lyric "The Vikings will conquer the Earth", prevalent in their songs, often mistakenly effects the workings of the world in ways that the laws of thermodynamics should.

• Most if not all of the current laws of thermodynamics were passed as a result of intense lobbying by the large oil companies.

• Astute businesspeople have made use of offshore corporations as a means of circumventing the various laws of thermodynamics currently in force in the US and UK. For instance, incorporation in Winnipeg, Manitoba is an effective avoidance strategy against the third law of thermodynamics, allowing one to reach absolute zero temperatures.

• In 1960, Sonny Curtis fought in a fencing duel against the third law of thermodynamics. He lost. This battle is recounted in the Bobby Fuller Four song I Fought the Law and the Law Won.

• They have also been known to destroy portugal every two years.

• The Three laws are good friends with Bernoulli's Equation, and often hang out at the library together.

• Every law of Thermodynamics past, present, future, and semifuture can be summed up as thus: In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make. This is a secret previouisly only known to Level 11 Scientologists, as well as where Jimmy Hoffa is buried and who dies in the eighth Harry Potter book. (Yeah, you heard me. Eighth. Suck it, non-scientologists.)

• The Laws of Thermodynamics actually emerge from a more fundamental theory, Quantum Murphydynamics (QMD). Only study QMD if you're crazy.