Tchaikovsky Syndrome

Tchaikovsky Syndrome is an obscure, yet often terminal illness. The worst known strain of this feared malady is Tchaikovsky Syndrome in B Minor. It is believed that this may have some connection between composer Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky's first performance of his sixth Symphony, Op.78, best known for including the beloved classical piece Pathétique and his apparently unfortunate death nine days later. While the incompetent physicians of his day attempted to pass it off as mere cholera, it has since become clear that Tchaikovsky Syndrome is a far deadlier disease than cholera, not to mention considerably more difficult to spell. Nothing is known about the pathogen responsible for the syndrome, but after an extensive 14-year study by the University of Michigan, it has been determined that the disease is extremely elusive, requiring at least ten more years and $185 in additional funding in order to study it properly.

Symptoms

Due to the relative obscurity of Tchaikovsky Syndrome, it is often misdiagnosed for a less severe disease, such as ebola hemorrhagic fever or leprosy. Tchaikovsky Syndrome can manifest in very different ways. Among the more common symptoms in its early stages are back pain, blurred vision, lack of energy, nausea, and skin hardening. Its later stages can include severe calcium loss, peptic ulcers, loss of some or all body hair, renal failure, inflamed cuticles, hyperactive thyroid, increased metabolism, arthritis, gallstones, disorientation, temporary deafness, hemiclonic seizures, continuous sweating, lactose intolerance, rickets, selective memory loss, hydrophobia, epistaxes, frequent loss of consciousness, loss of sensitivity in toes and uvula, erratic performance of the renin-angiotensin-aldosterone system, uncontrollable pacifistic tendencies, and sore throat. However, Tchaikovsky Syndrome has been successfully diagnosed even in cases where few or none of these symptoms were present. Information regarding the methods behind such diagnoses has not been made available due to doctor-patient confidentiality.

The "B Minor" variant is a particularly devastating form of the disease. In this case, along with any number of symptoms associated with the standard Tchaikovsky Syndrome, the victim's bone marrow is subtly altered so that it produces a different blood type, one incompatible with the current blood type, which results in the victim's immune system attacking the newly produced blood vessels. Typically, the new type produced is either B- or AB-, which lead to this offshoot being classified as "Tchaikovsky Syndrome in B Minor."

Tchaikovsky Syndrome has not been known to plague any nonhuman forms of life. Likewise, no dead people have reported contracting this disease, suggesting that they may have some sort of natural immunity.

Controversy

As awareness of Tchaikovsky Syndrome increases, the citizens of various countries have protested the lack of action taken by the governments of their respective countries. Some have even gone so far as to suggest that their governments have gone so far as to enact a large-scale cover-up of Tchaikovsky Syndrome, though such conspiracy theorists have yet to agree on a motive for such a nefarious action. Instead, such conspiracy theorists note that Tchaikovsky Syndrome and "Top Secret" share initials, suggesting some sort of connection between the two.

Still, the fact remains that such claims have quite a bit of evidence. Perhaps the best known case is that of U.S. Senator Joseph McCarthy, who often addressed the need for the government to take Tchaikovsky Syndrome more seriously before it took its toll on the nation. Rather than look into his claims, his rivals in Congress denounced him of trying to instill fear of a Soviet biological terrorism plot. In a stunning act of journalistic malpractice, this was reported to the general public in a way that made no mention of Tchaikovsky Syndrome. Before long, people had begun to accuse Senator McCarthy of promoting a Red Scare, making people fear Soviet spies under every bush. Despite this gross mischaracterization, recently declassified Senate transcripts clearly show that McCarthy was doing no such thing. The senator died of illness at the age of 48. Although the official cause of death was reported as hepatitis, the list of symptoms afflicting him just before his death could not possibly be explained by any strain of hepatitis. His symptoms instead bear a far greater resemblance to Tchaikovsky Syndrome in B Minor. Many who have discovered this foreboding discrepancy have been dismayed by the fact that there is no way to determine the truth, but these facts have led many to believe that the senator's death of the very disease he tried to make public suggests foul play. More disturbingly, captured Soviet agents later revealed their involvement in Senator McCarthy's death, but they made no mention of Tchaikovsky Syndrome. An intercepted Soviet communique during the weeks after the senator's demise included the phrase "B Minor," but the relevance of this was not discovered until far later.

Not surprisingly, Tchaikovsky Syndrome has had a severe impact on the music world. Many famous musicians have died from Tchaikovsky Syndrome. In 1989, a private investigator attempted to determine if the death of Elvis Presley had been the result of Tchaikovsky Syndrome. This theory has gained a great deal of credibility, especially in light of the information that illegal drugs were prohibitively expensive in 1977, making it impossible for the legendary entertainer to have died from drug abuse. The results of this investigation remained inconclusive since the detective's case became too heavily publicized for him to work effectively.

Notable Deaths Due to Tchaikovsky Syndrome

Though it is impossible to tell exactly how many people died of Tchaikovsky Syndrome, a partial list of deaths due to Tchaikovsky Syndrome has been compiled. Those who died of Tchaikovsky Syndrome in B Minor are identified by bold print.

• Ira Gershwin
• Charles M. Schulz
• Edvard Grieg
• Eva Gabor
• George Harrison
• Sammy Davis, Jr.
• Winston Churchill
• George Herman "Babe" Ruth
• Judy Garland
• Jimmy Durante
• Eddie Anderson
• Fay Wray
• Miyamae Kanako's Brother