Specialty Gifts
What does Melinda buy Bill Gates for Christmas? What does Stedman buy Oprah Winfrey for her birthday? Specialty gifts are exotic, sometimes erotic, usually expensive items that people give to men and women who have everything. Often advertised in catalogues or sold in specialty shops or through the mail, specialty gifts typically are not available in ordinary stores.
For Men[edit | edit source]
Specialty gifts for men include the Cheeky Cocktail Highball Glass Holder, the Wille Warmer, the Fembike, the Limousine Truck, and the Caterpillar Car.
Cheeky Highball Glass Holder[edit | edit source]
Although sexist, the politically incorrect Cheeky Highball Glass Holder is sure to stir controversy among a man’s business clients and friends. The gift is cast from latex-covered resin and is so realistic that admirers will swear that the holder is actually a kneeling woman who has nothing better to do than to serve her master as a human cocktail glass holder. Available in pink, tan, bronze, brown, burnt umber, and copper, there is a “complexion” to suit every ethnic group.
Wille Warmer[edit | edit source]
The Willie Warmer is a knitted or crocheted penis sheath that, despite its name, also encloses the scrotum. Any man who has everything (but a Willie Warmer) would be glad to receive this undergarment as a gift to wear on a cold winter's night. The warmer comes in a variety of festive colors and can double as a costume on Halloween or during a masquerade ball. The warmer is available with detachable Bill and Hillary faces and may be customized to include the "dickhead" of one's choice so that each may be unique. Plans are rumored to be in effect for a Clitty Heater for women who are exceptionally well endowed in regard to that portion of their anatomies.
Fembike[edit | edit source]
Perfect for the wealthy bodybuilder, outlaw motorcycle club member, or bull dyke, the Fembike is an actual Harley Davidson motorcycle shaped like a supine woman. A double amputee, she has no arms (or head), and she wears a red bra, a red belt, red hip-to-knee leggings, and red high-heeled boots that rise to mid-calf. Her shapely buttocks are always exposed and available, being positioned immediately before the rider’s groin for easy access. Capable of reaching speeds well over 100 miles per hour from a standing start in mere seconds, the fembike is truly a “fast woman.” It’s safe to say that few, if any, other bikers will be riding such a mount as the fembike. The customized motorcycle is available in three styles: Betty, Lola, and Melinda.
Limousine Truck[edit | edit source]
For farm boys and rednecks, a great specialty gift to consider are the Limousine Truck and the Caterpillar Car. Imagine the commotion and traffic accidents that the appearance of your man in a Limousine Truck would cause. Instead of arriving at a gala affair at a five-star hotel, luxury resort, special convention, or airport terminal, he reaches his destination in style, the passenger in a chauffeur-driven luxury Limousine Truck! The vehicle’s longer frame and wheelbase affords its occupants ample legroom, and a pair of folding, rearward jump seats allow up to five passengers to be seated comfortably in the aft compartment. When not in use, these seats may be folded for storage, allowing the remaining passenger or passengers additional room. Manufactured by Cadillac, the Limousine Truck was first manufactured for the exclusive use of Sam Walton, who founded Wal-Mart, but, upon his demise, his estate allowed the Truck Limousine to be franchised for sale as a specialty gift. Standard equipment for the Limousine Truck includes such items as stereophonic audio systems, color television sets with built-in VCR and DVD players, hot tubs, and fully stocked bars with refrigerators.
Caterpillar Car[edit | edit source]
If he’s not a partygoer, the farmer or rancher who has everything might prefer a Caterpillar Car. Built by the Caterpillar, Inc., the maker of tractors and other farm vehicles and machinery, the car is available not only in the distinctive Caterpillar yellow known to the world because of the many Caterpillar farm, mining, and manufacturing products that the company manufactures but also in a variety of other hues. Equipped with a large diesel 500-horsepower engine, the four-wheel-drive vehicle can be purchased with either a manual or an automatic transmission and has a top speed of 50 miles per hour on the open highway. The Caterpillar Car, like the tractor, has great towing capability.
For Women[edit | edit source]
Women may prefer such specialty gifts as the Lactator, the Cheeky Cutup, or Adhesive Nipples.
Lactator[edit | edit source]
Lactating women are likely to appreciate the Lactator. This item resembles the milking machine that dairy ranchers use to extract and process cows’ milk for market. It consists of a claw, four breast cups, a long milk tube, a long pulsator tube, and a pulsator. The claw is manifold that connects the short pulse tubes and the short milk tubes from the breast cups to the long pulse tubes and long milk tubes. Claws are made of stainless steel or plastic. Breast cups are composed of a rigid outer shell (stainless steel or plastic), which holds a soft inner liner or inflation. Transparent sections in the shell allow the viewing of the liner’s collapse and the flow of the milk from the breasts. The annular space between the shell and liner is referred to as the pulsation chamber. Vacuum is applied to the breast, causing congestion of the breast tissues (accumulation of blood and other fluids). Atmospheric air is admitted into the pulsation chamber about once per second (the pulsation rate) to allow the liner to collapse around the end of breast and relieve congestion in the breast tissue. The ratio of the time that the liner is open (milking) and closed (massaging or resting) is called the pulsation ratio. The four streams of milk from the breast cups are usually combined in the claw and transported to the milk line or collection bucket An unfortunate drawback to the Lactator as a specialty gift is that it is based on a device that was designed with cows in mind and, therefore, has four, rather than two breast cups. However, two of the four may be used, two women may use the Lactator simultaneously, or a woman who has two extra breasts may use all four breast cups.
Cheeky Cutup[edit | edit source]
Fashion is based as much on changing the portions of the female anatomy that are emphasized, or celebrated, so that, during one generation, the breasts receive attention, whereas the buttocks or the legs become the centerpiece of wardrobe design during a subsequent generation as it is upon changing body types (the boyish figure of the Roaring Twenties giving way to the busty Sophia Loren look, which, in turn, succumbed to the skeletal look of contemporary fashion’s Gay Friendly Women). One such costume, the Cheeky Cutup, focuses the attention on its wearer’s derriere. Of simple design, the knot garment is a strapless, form-fitting tube dress that includes a cutout over the buttocks so that the rear is on view. The cutout may be equipped with a transparent plastic window, but it also comes without such an add-on. The Cheeky Cutup is available in blue, green, red, black, white, yellow, orange, and pink and is especially popular in England, Great Britain, the United Kingdom, and other English-speaking countries because, in English, “cheeky” is slang for “sassy.”
Adhesive Nipples[edit | edit source]
Adhesive Nipples are favorites among women with small or inverted nipples or who want to reposition their nipples because they are displeased with their present locations. Available in flaccid or erect styles, adhesive nipples fit easily over natural nipples and, under a shirt, blouse, or other type of top, are indistinguishable from the real thing. Fannie Mae, a :as Vegas showgirl, says, “Adhesive nipples are to the nipples what falsies are to the boobs.” Falsies are breast forms that women with small breasts use to create the illusion that their breasts are larger than they really are, a higher tech alternative to stuffing tissues into a brassiere. Adhesive nipples are available in three colors: Mongoloid Yellow, Caucasian Pink, and Negroid Brown. Reportedly, Lucy Liu, Pamela Anderson, and Michael Jackson own a pair of each respective color. Jackson also supposedly owns several pair of Caucasian Pink nipples, “for,” as one insider claims, “when he wants to appear incognito as a white woman.”
Unisex Gifts[edit | edit source]
Several unisex specialty gifts that appeal to either men or women are also available.
Fornicating Cigarettes[edit | edit source]
Fornicating Cigarettes is one of the many risqué origami displays that demonstrates its owner adolescent sense of humor, reminding everyone who sees it that Roger may be the chief executive officer of an international mega-corporation, but he is also just a kid at heart. Despite his stressful and demanding job, despite his responsibility to the board of directors and his company’s stockholders, despite the dependence of thousands of employees on his mature and seasoned judgment, Roger’s juvenile sense of humor, as demonstrated by his Fornicating Cigarettes “sculpture” shows business allies and rivals alike that he doesn’t take himself—or his job—too seriously. Given by the chairman of the board, such a gift is usually intended as a warning that its recipient’s future with the corporation is at risk. The wise beneficiary of such a present would do well update their resume and to get in touch with the pals they left behind upon high school or college graduation.
State of the World Globe[edit | edit source]
If the man or woman who has everything is a college student, he might well enjoy the State of the World Globe. Cast in the shape of a round pair of buttocks, the globe offers a provocative message about the state of the world. The recipient will delight in educating their classmates at Harvard, Princeton, or Yale, who thought that they knew where the Middle East is located by showing them the position of this problematic region of the world, which is certainly down under in a way that Australia is not. There are several versions of the globe: Ancient, Medieval, Pre-World War II, and Contemporary. For those whose sense of humor is more literal, there’s also a Mooned moon globe that resembles a pair of buttocks that are highly pockmarked with acne. The American flag is planted on the Mooned moon in the same location as the Middle East appears on the State of the World Globe.