Sino-Japanese War

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Sino-Japanese War
Karatepower.jpg
Huang Chi and Jo Jing fight at the Seige of Bejing.
Conflict: Sino-Japanese War
Date: 1845 - 1848
Place: China
Outcome: chuck norris victory,chuck nooris becomes leader of the world and all humans become slaves to him.
Combatants
Japanese Empire Burn up JAPAN .gif China PRC coa.png
Commanders
The Emperor
Admiral Konichiwa
Darth Vader
The Dragon King
Jin Jo
Warrior Alpha
Strength
5,000,000 4,876,000
Casualties
KIA: 90,000
Total dead: 2,500,000
Wounded: 4,999,900
KIA: 4,700,000
Total dead: 4,865,432
Wounded: 1,867 

The Sino-Japanese War was a massive conflict fought between Japan and China during the mid-1800s. Possibly one of the deadliest wars in Asian history, the Sino-Japanese war killed almost 10 million people, making it far more devastating than such conflicts as the American Civil War, World War IV, and the War Against People Who Have Oil. The conflict lasted almost three years and would have lasted longer if not for the intervention of Master Huang Chi, the Tibetan Monks, and the Mongol Hordes.

Japan area in pink, China area in white

Background[edit]

By 1844, the emperor Ahkmiti III, Emperor of Japan, had been in power for many years. Under the quidance of the Shadow Sages, mysterious creatures capable of whooping yo ass, Ahkmiti III was forced into various agreements. During this time, the Ninjas of the Animal Temple were in charge of making sure that all of the duties of the Emperor were carried out. One of these ninjas was Huang Chi, who would prove instrumental later. By this time, many of the younger ninjas had grown sceptical of the Emperor's imperialist views, and were worried that a war was coming. However, Master Zinzo Achakema, had full faith in the Emperor, and his warnings to other students made them totally unprepared for the beginning.

The War Begins[edit]

On the night of the Great Big Butt Dragon Festival in 1845, Ahkmiti III launched his first attack - on the Ninjas of the Animal Temple. His personal assassins snuck up on the Animal Temple in midst of the celebrations and murdered every single warrior in a brutal strike. At the time, Huang Chi was discussing important affairs with Pikachu in southern Japan, so he avoided the struggle. Zinzo Achakema also survived, but defected to the Emperor's service. When Huang Chi returned to the Animal Temple, it was in ruins. Huang Chi had first thought a fart had blown up the place, but after seeing the dead bodies he realized it was genocide. Huang Chi then faced Commander Akashabe Batit, the Icy Bat, and then his former master, killing both.

However, Huang Chi was too late to stop the Emperor, who had already launched his attack on China, Korea, and northern Taiwan (but who cares about that?). The first major battle was the Battle of Shanghai, where the Emperor's navy, under the command of General Akanzi Boa, bombarded Shanhai with nuclear plasm bombs. Meanwhile, in the smaller Battle of Northern Southern South Korea, another lesser-known general (Oprah IV), blew up half of Korea using Firebending. This would later improve Oprah's profession as a gay faggot, also known as "redundance" or simple "that gay woman".

As the Japanese armies advanced inland, it marked the end of the beginning, which is, in fact, beginning of the beginning of the stuff after the end of the beginning, or the beginning of the beginning of the middle, which is the end of the beginning of the middle and the beginning of the beginning of the middle of the middle.

The War Escalates[edit]

Chinese front[edit]

Chinese "warriors" doing a dance. One can obviously see why early in the war, the Japs whooped these guys' butts. I mean, look at them! One can see that they're dancing, are probably from Naruto (AKA that gay show with the sweater guy), can't use their weapons, and think that by wearing black in the middle of the day they'll either (a) hide or (b) impersonate an African, and neither would work. Luckily, the Chinese Army gained more powerful warriors later in the conflict.
Chinese Special Corp. Team "Hallo" in full uniform. The Chinese gained many powerful warriors such as these four later in the war. From left to right: a terrorist, a ninja, a hippie, and Death. Although Death was not usually used on missions, he sometimes came down from Heaven to help either side because God was not paying attention at that moment. Terrorists and hippies were used to drive off Japanese/American fleets, and ninjas still danced around and did nothing.

China was a crucial theatre in the Sino-Japanese War. It was the largest area to be conquered by Japan, and had the strongest resistance. China also had a large array of communists, which are actually from communism (AKA the Sovietlands). In any case, the attack on China was led by Akanzi Boa and other lesser generals who we will not mention here. However, China's large population of people with AIDS and people who are obsessed with martial arts led the Japanese to falter somewhat in their attacks. For the beginning of the Chinese theater, which lasted until mid-1847, the Japanese stayed in Northern and Southeastern China, for fear of aliens, led by Your Mom, in the West.

Some important events in the Chinese theater:

  • April 1, 1845: Akanzi Boa attacks Shanghai. Shanghai is captured.
  • Early April: Boa's forces advance to the west and to the south.
  • April 20: Boa's forces encounter a major defense at Bejing. Chinese forces drive back the Japanese. Your Mom does Your Dad, creating major problems for the Chinese.
  • May 17: Boa's forces encounter the Chinese Army at Zhengzhou. Huang Chi fights for the Chinese and massacres Japanese warriors. Japanese army retreats to seaside.
  • May 28: Boa's forces fight for the seaside town of Nanjaku. Huang Chi kills General Avatar. Meanwhile, the Chinese recapture Shanghai.
  • Mid-June: Chinese conquer Zhenzhou Province. Huang Chi does Your Mom, creating problems for the Japanese. Your Mom flees China. Stalin oversees construction of the Great Wall of China.
  • Late June: Japenese forces do the can-can and recapture Shanghai using Can-Can Power (demonstrated in Power Rangers). Darth Vader joins the side of the Chinese.
  • July: Chinese forces defend Bejing at the Second Seige of Bejing. Japanese retreat for ice cream.
  • Early October: Japanese return from ice cream at the seashore to see that they've left their posts unattended (no!). Chinese mount a serious offense against the Japanese.
  • November: Huang Chi kills Boa. Darth Vader succeeds him, and uses Force Choke to kill thousands of Chinese troopers.
  • Winter: Troops nearly freeze to death. Rations low. Many die of Chinese smallpox (commmunistpox) and AIDS. Huang Chi kills many Japanese warriors while they are sick.
  • Spring of 1846: Troops recover and lead large attacks against one another. Death rate is high. Japanese once again try to capture Bejing, only to fail.
  • Summer: Chinese fight back with surprising agility and strength. Japanese once again pushed back to Shanghai. They stay there a few months to gather more troops and mount a final strike against the Chinese.
  • November 9: Japanese recapture Zhengzhou Province in a massive strike and race down the seashore to Hong Kong, which they capture as well. Winter is drawing. The Japanese keep there positions in preparation for the winter.
  • Winter: Hardly any on either side die. Wills strong in preparation for the high point of the war.
  • March 18, 1846:Japanese launch their 200-Day Seige on Bejing.

Korean front[edit]

Korean dictator Your Dad celebrates the successful Korean defense. But who is the figure on the rooftop behind him? - the answer is oft disputed.

The not-that-important part of the War took place in Korea - the land nobody cares about. Early in the front, Oprah mounted a strong defense against Your Dad, who was in control of Korea at the time. At the same time, the Chocolate Monsters of Cuzzyland attacked from the northwestern east, creating a temporary distraction for the Kores. Korea, however, mounted the strongest defense in the war, and pushed the Japanese out by the time of the Assdragon Festival.

Some major events include:

  • April 1, 1845: Oprah attacks northern southern South Korea and kills lots of Koreans.
  • Late spring: Oprah comes out of the closet, causing mistrust amongst the soldiers. Her Mom is also upset. Your Dad uses the chaos to whoop Oprah's ass in the Battle of the Northeast Southwest.
  • Summer: Oprah recovers, and takes over south Korea. North Korea still stands a chance, though.
  • Autumn: North Korea launches nuclear missile tests, blowing up Oprah and her army of shitheads. The Chocolate Monsters invade, causing trouble for the dictator of North Korea (Your Dad, of course). Oprah launches another attack in late November, but catches a cold and falls into the ocean.
  • December 15: Japan retreats, afraid to catch Koreanpox (also known as asspox).
  • March 27, 1846: Japanese forces return, only to be driven back with an exteremly strong defense.
  • April 3: Japan conquers an island off the coast of Korea and creates a base there, hoping to gain reinforcements from the capital.
  • April 18: Korean ships bombard the base. End of the Japanese occupation of Korea - for now.

Taiwansese front[edit]

The Taiwanese front was the quickest and most descisive front yet. Led by General George Bush, the Japanese ships made their way into a harbor full of enemy ships who shot the entire fleet down. Becuase of Bush's popularity with the Emperor, he kept getting more and more reinforcements. here is a general overview:

  • April 2, 1845: Bush (late), sends his fleet into Pearl Harbor, a harbor off the coast of Taiwan. The Japanese are massacred.
  • April 30: Bush launches another attack on Pearl Harbor. This one fails as well.
  • May 22: Bush crashes his fleet into large rocks two kilometers south of Pearl Harbor.
  • June 15: Bush launches an attack on fishing villages, and then drops a cigarette on the floor of his flagship, burning up half the newest fleet.
  • July 4: Bush blows up half of an island a few meters off the coast of Taiwan and sets course in the wrong direction, and lands in "America".
  • March 1, 1846: Shadow Sage Azag launches four massive attacks on large Taiwanese cities and burns them to the ground out of frustration.
  • March: Azag marches through Taiwan, burning forests, towns, and farmland. Once he gets to the southern tip of Taiwan, he guides his navy toward Hong Kong to conquer it. Taiwan is left in ruins.

End of the War[edit]

The War ended in mid-1847, when Darth Vader commanded his fleet to go to Hong Kong. This collided with Azag's fleet. Although Darth Vader survived to play in Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, Azag did not, and both fleets blew up to create the Death Star, which also exploded. After this happened, the Emperor ordered all Japanese forces to go to Bejing. In the Final Seige of Bejing, the Japanese broke through the walls and killed the Emperor of China, the Dragon King. However, a rip in time caused Abrahama Lincoln, Mario, and Hitler to suddenly appear out of nowhere. Allying with Huang Chi, Wong Fei Hung and the young Bruce Lee these six beat up the Japs and saved the Chinese people. Godzilla then invaded Bejing, killing any people that were left. Hitler then committed suicide, Abraham Lincoln was assassinated (not the two "ass"es in assassination), and Bowser at Mario. Huang Chi escaped to Tibet. The Mongol Hordes then invaded and killed everyone else.