Shinra Electric Power Company
“We swear, that village was burnt to the ground before we got there.”
The Shinra Electric Power Company (シンラ電力株式会社 Shinra Denjikara Kabushiki Kaisha) is an evil weapons development company turned evil mega-corporation. They are ruled by evil executives, an evil military and a bunch of evil Tarantino rejects. In other words - they are not so nice.
History[edit | edit source]
The Shinra Company was founded by none other than President Shinra himself (what are the odds?) one Monday morning when he woke up and said to himself "Shit. I really hate this world. Let's fucking kill everything." Lucky him, he found his partners in crime in general Heidegger and the evil Scarlet. Throw in some Palmer, Hojo, Reeve, Tseng, Sephiroth, some other guys, some wars, lots and lots of Mako Reactors and you have the yours truly de facto evil government of the world that is our beloved Shinra, Inc. Cue the doom music.
Base of Operation[edit | edit source]
The Shinra HQ is located in the capital of Midgar, a.k.a. the Pizza of Death. The upper city is held up by giant plates and is the home of all the rich (and evil) folks. The higher the richer. Below the plate, in the slums, lives the poor people (good). To further the political symbolism that is Midgar all the liberals had to live on the left side of the city while all the conservatives had to live on the right side. Aah, that's good social satire.
The city of Midgar has the worst luck ever. If it isn't silver-haired men, tornados or super-soldiers trying to destroy it it's meteors, terrorists or giant monsters. I mean, come on! Cut it some slack.poo
Shinra Executives[edit | edit source]
President Shinra -- The evil, rich, white, politician guy. A cigar-smoking fatcat turned on by lolis in bee costumes, he is known and feared in all of Gaia, except by Sephiroth who kills him with his 8 feet long Masamune sword. Right in the spine. Man, what a way to go out.
President Rufus Shinra -- The bishie prez! Yaoi!! OMG! He s0 kawaii!!1 *_* After 4,857 failed attempts at killing his father, Sephiroth does the deed for him and Rufus inherits the whole darn company. Rufus is famous for his Matrix worthy white, three-pieced, coat-suit thingy. And for his tendencies to manipulate everyone all the time - only to shoot them in the face afterwards. While up in his office on the 70th floor of the Shinra Building, Rufus is killed by the 9/11 hijackers who flies an airship right in there. Only he survives. And pretends to be crippled so that he can get a better parking space. In Advent Children he ends up with a nasty flesh- eating - disease- thingy, but this only brings him and his fuckin' hot Turk, Reno, closer together (you know, reno had a thing for licking up his stigma and the sort). The two eventually elope and move to Canada.
Heidegger -- The Nazi General. Everything pisses him off. Rufus more than anything. And Scarlet more than him. But he likes Palmer. They mudwrestle every Tuesday. He controls both the Shinra SOLDIER group (the SS) and the Tarantino reject gang. In short, gya haa haa.
Scarlet -- Your typical evil, blonde bitch. I have no idea what her problem is. She spends her days shooting innocent folks, burning down houses ,raping random dudes and harassing her fellow co-workers. Yeah, I know. She belongs on Desperate Housewives. In short, kya haa haa.
Palmer -- A balloon who challanges all laws of logic in that sense that it talks. He defines the word "stupidity". Seriously, he fights you while drunk on lard(ew), then, when he loses, a huge-ass truck pops up out of nowhere and rams his fat ass! For some reason he is made head of "Department of Space Exploration". No effin' way. Do you know how smart you've got to be to become an astronaut? Let alone chief of all astronauts? Let alone the Juggernaut?
Reeve Tuesti -- He controls Cait Sith who is a spy. Oops, spoiler.
Professor Hojo -- The typical done-a-thousand-times mad scientist. He travels the tubes of the internets and enjoys entering the bodies of young, strong, half-naked men.
Lazard -- Yeah dude. I don't know what I like the most. The dorky glasses, the colourful, striped suit or the hippie-turned-liberal-science-teacher hairstyle. Died by turning into an Angeal fanboy; so much so that he contracted Super-AIDS.
The Shinra Middle Manager -- The guy has a nice red suit. And he almost got raped by Barret on the Midgar train. Rufus let him recover from this traumatic experience by shoving him up in a utility room in Junon.
Domino -- Mayor of Midgar. Has a thing for Deputy Mayor Hart. And he might be a brick game. Maybe he knows Backgammon?
The Turks[edit | edit source]
The Turks (the Tarantino Über Radical Knockout Squadron) is a gang of assassins with a suit-fetish formed with the purpose of kidnapping little girls in pink dresses. Girls who like flowers. This is so fucking evil.
Verdot -- The first leader of the Turks. An old friend of Vincent Valentine. Left the force so that he could spend some quality time with his terrorist daughter. Heh. Spoiler.
Tseng -- The newest leader of the Turks. He fell in love with Aerith when she was only a child, thus granting him official pedo status. When Aerith grew older, he kidnapped her in his Lexucopter (the rich man's helicopter) and beat the shit out of her, only to give Aerith to professor Hojo so that he could force Red XIII into raping her.
Reno -- (a.k.a. the god of yaoi; a.k.a. the guy that Axel attempted to imitate) Reno was freakin' hardcore during the events of Final Fantasy VII. He crushed a whole city, full of puppies, babies and everything, under a gigantic steel plate and was all like "Yeah, whatever. Fuck it. Oh my, are those crumpets?" Sadly though, he is a bitch in Advent Children. Getting his ass kicked by transvestites while trying to save some retard children from Godzilla. He likes to lick Rufus's geostigma.
Rude -- Reno's best friend. They are always together. Which opens up for a lot of questions. Rude was a fan of the Chelsea football team but when they failed him in the Premier League he just stopped talking and shaved his head bald. Either that, or he was born with a wig. Not sure which. He also loots sunglasses. And has a thing for big-breasted women.
Elena -- Dr. Elliot Reid with a vengeance. A workaholic. She wants Tseng to bone her. He would too, because she is much younger than he is. Her father is a teacher at the Shinra Military Academy so there was no decent way for her to "flirt up" her grades.
Cissnei -- A loli turned costume assassin. Every anime geek's wet dream. Her weapon is called "Pekka". In Crisis Core she shows up wearing nothing but a bikini. That was the greatest day of my life because I'm a virgin still living in my parents basement, like most gamers.
Legendary Turk -- The Legendary Turk, or "God of Death", is a dude with a badass orange haircut, sideburns, cigar in his mouth and sunglasses. He throws granades at people. Now, THAT is legendary.
Vincent Valentine -- He used to be a Turk. Before Hojo killed him and fucked his girlfriend and one true love. After that, well, the job got sorta depressing. Hence the gothness.
SOLDIER[edit | edit source]
The main military force of the Shinra Company. 95% of which is made up of your typical can't-hit-anything stormtroopers, while the remaining 5% is made up of androgynous pretty boys who also happens to be the elite force.
Sephiroth -- The most bad badass of all badass baddie-asses. His sword is half a mile long and compensates for god-knows-what. Sephiroth kills everything. Aerith. Tifa's father. Cloud's mother. Your mother. Almost Tseng. The cast of Lost. Villagers. Giant snakes. President Shinra. President Yeltsin. Elvis. French bulldog puppies. JFK. The little old lady who lived in the shoe. Fidel Castro. Chicken Little. Sora in the first Kingdom Hearts. Sora in the second Kingdom Hearts. Jar-Jar Binks, the Predator. His barber. Santa Anna. Vladimir Putin. Count Dracula. Bigfoot. His reflection. Christopher Poalini. The people who produced the Twilight movie. Bubba. Jennie. Lt. Dan's legs. Jesus. Luke's father. Dick Cheney. Ron Paul. Dirty Harry's girlfriend in that one movie. Chickens. Buddha. Buddha again. Buddha once more, cussing him out for the 'reincarnation thing'. The whole cast of Grease. Oscar Wilde, once, but now they're over that. Diabeetus. Kittens. People who talk during movies. Old man Jenkins. Frankenstein. Frankenstein's monster. Wolfman. The mummy. Bambi's father and mother. Bambi. Mufasa. Jesus(if you didn't know the dude came back). Scar. Bill Gate's evil clone. Abe Lincoln. Lee Harvey Oswald. Michael Jackson. Heath Ledger. (Too Soon?) Anna Nicole Smith. That algebra teacher you never liked. His next door neighbor's annoying dog. Your grandma's petunias. Your grandma. Elvis. Everything. And it doesn't matter how many times you kill Sephiroth, he always returns - because he's so popular. Damn you, fangirls. And he makes you use all your elixirs.
Genesis Rhapsodos -- Seemingly suicidal, and wanting to screw over Yuffie in Dirge of Cerberus,he enjoys his spare time reading classical poetry. If you make him sad, he starts degrading. How depressing.
Angeal Hewley -- Zacks mentor. May have molested him leading to his unconfirmed death...and by the way Square putting an angel wing on a guy named Angeal...not clever
Zack Fair -- (AKA Zack I-Should've-Been-The-One-To-Live Fair) Cloud stole his clothes, his sword, his personality, his memories, his rank, and his girlfriend. And somewhere in between Zack ended up dead. Not sure fucking how...he takes on the biggest badasses of the world at the time...and gets shot at least a thousand times in all his battles...yet one damn cut scene and he croaks...god damn it...WHY!!! AERITH WAS WAITING!!! WHY!!!!...but once Cloud's girlfriend died, he scored her in the afterlife, though. That'll show him.
Weiss -- Weilder of two, TWO, gunblade-like weapons. Weapons that can cut and fire ammo. Take that, Final Fantasy VIII fanboys! He's also likes to show off his man-boobs!
Nero -- Emo
Argento -- A female samurai with an eye-patch. A pirate-samurai? Could she take on the ninjas? We may never know, 'cause she died. Whoops...
Rosso -- Annoying Russian chick who wears a fur cloak and a thong. Go back to Romania! May or may not have been Drago's girlfriend from that on Rocky movie. Unconfirmed slut.
Azul -- Seymour Guado...seriosuly same guy...im almost positive. Come to think of it, all the villains from Dirge of Cerberus are FOXHOUND ripoffs.
Shelke Rui -- A psychopath school girl who fights with glowsticks. RAVE! RAVE! RAVE, BABY RAVE! Vincent banged her later and did a ten year stretch for Statutory Rape....shoulda just went back to sleep in that coffin.
Shinra Scientists[edit | edit source]
Professor Aremis Gast -- He experimented on Jenova because he wanted to know more about her eye-boob. ...mmmm, eyeboob...
Lucrecia Crescent -- A dumb, overly sensitive woman who climbed the Shinra Science Department's ranks by sleeping with Doctor Grimoire Valentine and professor Hojo. Her very stupidity kills Grimoire, makes her have sex with Hojo, has her turn Vincent into a freak and in the end turns herself into a giant popsicle. Vincent, oblivious to her whoreness, still laments her death, cuddling with her cold, frozen body at night when he's alone.
Grimoire Valentine -- Vincent Valentine's father. The Dracula to his Alucard.
Dr. Hollander-- A.K.A. MAJOR DICKFACE, A Dutch professor from Amsterdam. Like anyone else he hates Hojo. He died the same way as Angeal; Super-AIDS and randomly being attacked by Zack on Crack. Hey, that rhymes. Zack, Crack. Ha ha ha... I have no life...
Professor Rayleigh -- Dorky science chick number 361.
Professor Albus Dumbledore -- Harry Potter's bumchum.
Random Scientists -- They're all killed by Sephiroth. Every last one. Well, except one who hides in the corner like a pussy. Wait, no, he died too...
SIN[edit | edit source]
The Shinra International Network is a broadcasting station which grants you the best propaganda news programs in all of Gaia. Well known for its amazing news anchors such as Chocobo Bill O'Reilly and Basch Limbaugh. One of the most notable broadcasts was about the dangers of Genesis copy attacks. Seriously, who can make such a big deal out of something so uneeded? SOLDIER's in chaos, people are being attacked left, right and center, so what's the big deal with a few more attacks?! Come on people!
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- As a Shinra Executive there is a 76% chance of one ending up dead. Preferably stabbed in the face with a Samurai sword.
- Heidegger's full name is revealed to be Martin Schnitzel Adolfsky Sigmundfreud Heidegger, born in Evulfurt, Germany.
- Cid may have the Highwind, and failing Nazi pilots may have the Hindenburg - but Heidegger's got the Heidwind and the Heidenburg.
- Scarlet traded her uterus for a Magnum .44 Revolver at the age of 16.
- Palmer somehow managed to sneak a room full of tapioca pudding into the blueprints of Shinra Tower before it was built. You miss it in the game by one floor, but it can be found using the gameshark.
- For a short time, Red XIII was in charge here. He just covered the whole thing up, transferring half of Shinra's budget to his Swiss bank account.
- Soon after Rufus 'died,' Heidegger and Scarlet actually stopped fighting for his affection long enough to see that they were compatible. They took a ride on their Gigantic Robot Made Of Turds and Metal Stuck Together(TM) to grab a bite, but Cloud and gang showed up and took a piss on the GRMOTAMST, causing it to Asplode, possibly killing them in the process.