Samsung Galaxy Note 7
The Galaxy Note 7 was a model of hand grenade cleverly disguised as a smartphone sold by Samsung from August 19, 2016 to October 11, 2016. Unfortunately, the Galaxy Note 7 was a commercial flop, mostly due to confusion with the Galaxy S7 and the misperception that the Note 7 was indeed a smartphone. On September 2, 2016, Samsung recalled the product after surveys revealed that people believed the Note 7 was a smartphone. However, the Galaxy Note 7 was a big hit amongst terrorists and pranksters in need of hidden explosives. Due to its price tag, however, sales of the Note 7 declined, and the product was altogether discontinued on October 11, 2016.
Development[edit | edit source]
The Galaxy Note 7 was developed the same way other smartphones were developed; with the American desire to make a bigger, better, faster, smarter, much more pretty looking phone than before. People from the South Korea company acted American in order to make the phone, by eating cloggy American hamburgers, speaking with an American accent and taking tons of illicit drugs. Within seconds concepts for the phone were designed and sent to Samsung where they clearly saw the marketing potential for a phone that was bigger than your hand and faster than any desktop computer out there.
Extensive R&D testing was done to make sure that the phone was met to Samsung's standards; some people who tested the device asked if people were going to buy into a bigger and better smartphone, there were also questions of potential fire hazards but those were set aside as "absurd and stupid".
Features[edit | edit source]
The Galaxy Note 7 had a lot of features that were meant to distinguish it from the competition. Note 7's had the ability to literally cure cancer; using complex computer chips and something that could be described as "magic", it rid the patient of cancer much faster then marijuana or chemotherapy could combined. Plastic surgery was another thing that the Note 7 could do, it's functionality was accessible in an app that allowed you to modify features such as your hair color and facial features; it then painlessly fully applied the adjustments onto your face thus making you look like a magnificent bastard.
Every Note 7 was apocalypse-proof with the ability to withstand a nuclear blast like a roach, it was essential due to the fact that it made the Note 7 stand out from other non-Samsung phones that were not apocalypse-proof... It was rated as one of the top smartphones to rebuild society with by the "WWIII Apocalypse Preparation Club".
It also contained the ability to browse the web, make phone calls and play music. Every smartphone can do that but how many smartphones contain a direct connection to God and have the latest Rihanna album preloaded on them? Only the Note 7. Samsung is paying God for the valuable time used to talk to mere mortals with inane questions who just so happens to own a Note 7 as it believes that it and Rihanna will make the Note 7 stand out from other non-Samsung phones.
There were more than 70,000+ features packed into the Galaxy Note 7, however; there was one unforeseen feature that was not caught in time.
Explosion Feature[edit | edit source]
The phones had a feature in them that caused them to explode in a blazing fire of glory at a random date and time. It was originally part of the self-destruct protocol that would of allowed users to blow up the phone to protect their data. This was removed in favor of adding another 8-cores to the phone, though some features still relied on the self-destruct protocol to the point where the feature was hidden from the public; in order to prevent customer confusion which would of lessened sales of the Note 7.
The first incident happened in Florida when a man was just shopping at Costco minding his own business; he didn't expect his phone to blow up since you know, phones never catch on fire but at approximately 7:00 AM EST, his phone exploded taking an approximate 50 people with him. News reports suggested it was ISIS that was responsible; until they found a burnt up Note 7 on the floor... Samsung tried to contact news agencies under the guise of ISIS terrorists but due to a weak accent and mistakenly speaking in Korean for half of the time, news agencies didn't buy it and started to report on the Note 7 incident. If not for the ratings aspect of it...
Recall[edit | edit source]
Samsung did some massive PR work in order to save public face over the exploding Note 7's but instead of telling the truth; they lied about the situation calling it "isolated" and blaming it on the battery. That poor battery who did nothing to deserve your abuse Samsung!
Samsung voluntarily recalled the Note 7 in September to replace the models with new models that would not explode. In reality, Samsung did jack shit to the phones and left them the way they were; spending the time that could of been used to fix the phones on bingewatching Game of Thrones, going out to titty bars and of course, snorting illicit drugs.
When the "repaired" phones returned to consumers, Samsung hoped that the Note 7's would somehow not explode and work like they were supposed to. Of course in this industry, there is no such thing as hope.
The Incident[edit | edit source]
There were many reported instances of the Note 7 exploding randomly taking out cars, buildings and even a plane. News agencies gathered around to cover the carnage of burning cars, collapsing buildings and of course, a downed plane.
It was described as "incredibly similar to 9/11" with firefighters, policemen and citizens all scrambling to make sense of what the fuck was happening. No one could of predicted that a Samsung phone could explode with such magnitude, especially the Note 7.
All programming was canceled in order to bring 24/7 news coverage of the Galaxy Note 7 explosions. Many news agencies claimed this was a declaration of war by South Korea and insisted that the US government take action against South Korea; they also insisted everyone to turn off the Note 7 using an EMP blast, to fully disable it so that it wouldn't explode.
Samsung continued to claim there was nothing wrong with their phones, despite evidence otherwise. However the falling stock price and the impending threat of war would eventually cause Samsung to change their minds.
Discontinuation[edit | edit source]
Samsung announced an emergency press conference to announce that the Note 7 was being discontinued effective immediately, despite the fact that Samsung sank billions into the development of this phone. Samsung urged people to turn off their phones, turn them into a Note 7 containment facility and forget that this ever happened.
This was what was said at the press conference.
| “ | Herro Americans...
We are soooooooo sowwwrrryyyyy that we wereased the Garaxy Note 7 phone. We neeeeeeevvveerrr thought the phone would kabloowey like that. We are smart country, we made sure phone wouldn't go kabloowey but in end we failed. Again, we are sooooooo sowwwrrrrryyy and we hope this aporogy is ennnoooouuuggghhhh. We hoping you still buy Samsung for we make best phones and we promise it won't go kabloowey the next time. Again, so soowwwwrrrrryyyyy. -Jong-Kyun Shin |
” |
Despite the fact that the apology was quickly rushed and half-hearted, the Americans still accepted it and called off all talks of war against South Korea. Samsung's stock however went into a downward spiral, approaching prices of $0.01 which caused stockholders to panic as it meant that their investment in Samsung was reduced to nothing.
Samsung then subsequently declared bankruptcy as their profits and influence were reduced to nothing. This was notable for the fact that nobody had made a smartphone that lasted 3 months on the market and caused a company to go bankrupt thus earning Samsung a dubious classification as a "failure".
Samsung would spend a couple of days in bankruptcy until it was subsequently bought by ISIS for the sole purpose of making Note 7 phones for the purposes of terrorism. The purchase price was 3 bags of rice and free access to the 72 virgins they'll get when they die, which was considered a compromise after Samsung didn't settle for their initial price of free.
Influence[edit | edit source]
Today the Note 7 is used in the campaign against US and Iraqi troops to take back Mosul. Their main purpose being discreet devices that could explode upon command; given to enemies by spies dressed up as regular people. Many modifications have been made to the Note 7 in order to make it war ready, including filling it with uranium in order to increase the explosive potential.
While the Note 7 did not find a place in mainstream culture; it has inspired many phone manufactures to make exploding phones, including BlackBerry who's newest phone is designed to explode and take out a 2 block radius while still containing a physical keyboard. The US Army has started to use exploding phones in order to turn the tide and make the world a better place for all, thanks to the Note 7; while there are other armies, none of them are as big as the US' so they don't even count.