Rogers Communications
Rogers Communications Inc. is a diversified public Torontonian communications and media company. It is particularly in the field of wireless communications, cable television, telephone, and Internet connectivity with significant additional telecommunications and mass media assets. The company is headquartered in the Rogers Building in Toronto, Ontario, the only city it is available in.
A REVOLUTIONARY IN NAZI COMMUNICATIONS[edit | edit source]
Ted (Bush Sr.) Rogers was a young Christian boy born on a retard farm in the Canadian retard farming province of Alberta. He stood out right from the beginning. See, the process of retard farming is based largely on inbreeding, and while his father was a fully inbred semi-human (or retard, as the French call them, seriously, its where the word comes from) his mother was a donkey. At first glance, it was clear that he was a half donkey lovechild, but what was unclear was where could that whore have found a donkey in the Canadian parries? When asked, he would always respond "I found a way" and would proceed to eat his own toe nails.
Later in life, the absence of donkeys in Canada prompted a pre-adolescent donkey fucking expedition early in Ted's life, which flourished in to full blown pedophilia in his adult years. later, he would found the premise to build the backbone of the foundation that would hold up the pillars of what would later be called “the fat guy on the forklift” in the communications market in Canada, Rogers communications (previously I.C.P), which would go on to fuck every one of their customers firmly and violently in their assholes.
BEING BORN OUT OF AN ASSHOLE[edit | edit source]
Those that knew him as an adult would say this was an appropriate and understandable way for him to have entered the world. He really was that big a douche. Later, it would raise the age old question of the chicken or the egg; was he destined to be an asshole (due to genetics), or was it a result of being born out of one? A question for the ages indeed.
His youth was an average one for a half donkey, half retard, all douchebag children. He spent his day’s contributing to the genetic diversity of Albertan retards by getting raped and doing some good ol raping him. To understand this whole retard farming one must understand the province of Alberta as Canada’s retard farm. We farm them, then send them into the United States military, the Israeli military, or if they "go Jew", promote them to key positions in government and high corporate office as to maximize the damage they can do to the world economy. See, being Jewish pays? Being Jewish pays, nigah!!! It’s not racist because I subtracted a "g" and added an "h". Clever one I am.
After a fulfilling childhood of raping adult donkeys, male and female alike, he eventually grew tired of the stretched out assholes of adults (as vaginas were never an option for good ol’ "Ted"), and because he grew all emotional and bitchy and felt he needed a mother figure, and since all the mothers on the farm weren't hairy enough, he set off on a quest to find his real mother….and fuck her. This was definitely not because he wanted to explore the assholes of younger, nubile, children and donkeys alike...well, it was only in part because of that. He just wanted to fuck his mom. Needless to say, he read a lot of Sigmund Freud.
TED ROGERS MOM[edit | edit source]
After a long journey from zoo to zoo, covering pretty much every donkey asshole in North America with his peto-cream, he encountered his future lover and good friend, then conservative party premier of Ontario, Mike Harris. Mike was already known for shafting every child in grade and high school in Ontario right up the asshole by fucking up the education system (millions of children there, so he was clearly no noob to fucking kids in the ass) , and was conservative too, (all of that last sentence was true, the following is not. he really did fuck up the Canadian education system from the ground up though.....if you coudlnt allrdy tel) so it was a match made in heaven.
Ted (I hate kitten huffing) Rogers first saw him at the Famous Sky dome in Toronto Ontario. The sky dome is the largest venue in Canada. It can seat tens of thousands of people, has a giant retractable sunroof, and is home to some of the shittiest sports teams in teh world, including the Toronto Argo’s, and some team called the Blue Jays that play some kind of sport with bats. There’s allot of Blacks and Spanish and drug addicted whites in this sport, so I‘m sure its more violent than UFC. ....or KFC. yeah, that shit gets violent when you’re on the can. Anyway, Some douche bag high in power at the United Nations named Nelson (I accomplished nothing) Mandela was giving a giant speech to the kids of Ontario, and the stadium was filled to full crapacity with kids from around the province.
No joke. Anyway, Mike Harris felt like this would be a great publicity stunt, so he did an opening speech for Nelson (I sat on my hands the whole time in office, but I kind of look like Morgan Freeman so people thought I was actually not a fag). Long story short, Mike Harris didn’t get out a word and was booed off stage. (Actually happened). Mike ran off stage like a bitch crying, and when he settled down and took his thumb out of his ass, he went looking for his then lover, now prime minister of our great shit nation Canada, the Mike Harris clone, Stephen (look at him and tell me he doesn’t look like a peto) Harper, who would later run our country into the ground.
Stephen Harper was nowhere to be found as later it would be revealed that he was out killing homeless people, as is custom amongst conservatives. in his pitiful stumble through the back alleys of the skydome, he turned into the locker room of the blue gays (or the blue jays, depending on if you choose to remember 1992 and 1993 and how we have been loosing to the goddamn Americans (who are really just footing the bill to pay a bunch of Puerto Ricans to play on their teams. technically we are loosing to Puerto Rico)) only to find Ted crying while doing the ol’ in’out in’out into the neck hole of a childs body with the head ripped off. In his orgy of rage, he withdrew and at that moment mike knew he had *suck him off*.
After cleaning up the mess and giving the usual cover-up story that conservatives usually give when they want to hide one of the many despicable things they do, like pass a law against abortion or trying to kill off social healthcare, they realized that the only thing they loved more than children, was each other.
So, that’s how Ted met his mother. don’t believe me? Why? Because mike Harris is a man? Hardly. I wouldn’t call that fuzzy cuntsandwich a man. He is a conservative. He is a bitch. Didn’t you assholes ever see that Arnie movie "Junior"? You tea baggers have no sense, I swear.
MIKE IS TEDS MOM AND CONSERVATIVE PEOPLE COME FORM THE ALBERTAN RETARD FARMS.[edit | edit source]
Blah blah blah, Ted figured out he was Mike’s son after they told each others origin stories, cried, fucked some more, and realized that despite being mother/father and son, they decided not to let their love be hindered by silly social conceptions such as not fucking your parents. Why? Well, you’re forgetting that they came from a retard farm. It’s not a problem for people like them. In fact, it’s encouraged amongst conservatives.....u know....to conserve the genome.
THE FOUNDING OF ROGERS COMMUNICATIONS.[edit | edit source]
Ok, so back into he 1990's, Ted realized that his province could do so much more than farm retards. He and Mike, then "partners" as this was before we legalized retard marriages (which came before gay marriage...go figure, we want people like the Bush family before we want people that make things FAB-UL-OUS!?!?!?!? WTF?) Gave a call via the cup and string method over to his old ex Stephen Harper, who at that time was dating the Liberal party leader/ prime minister of Canada/ Frankenstein monster, (always frowning) Jean Chrétien. Jean gave Ted a waiver on the "no monopoly clause" in Canada’s legal system, and Mike Harris, his mom/pop, gave him the money to build on the already monumentally successful "cup phone and string" communications company, "I.C.P. or International Cup and String Phone company". Right off the bat they hired a bunch of dumbass clowns to be spokespersons as they seemed to accurately portray the interests of the company; fucking people in a nightmarish fashion.
Eventually they realized that people outside of Alberta don’t respond well to being fucked by clowns, so they changed the name and fired the clowns. Thus was born "ROGERS COMMUNICATIONS".
Their first Endeavour was to steal the patent of the Bell phone company, some stupid ass invention called the "telephone". When this didn’t work, they stole another invention, this time from a guy named Al Gore, called "the internet". This seemed to work out very well. They launched a campaign of installing a cheap, low quality, "series of tubes" connecting to some houses, but always leaving 1 out on every street. you know that house, the one that it doesn’t make any goddamn sense why they don’t get cable internet, but everyone else on teh street does, simply because those asshole technicians decided no to install the extra 2 meters of "series of tubes" to the next house, so they have to get DSL instead, which sucks so fucking bad. omfg it sucks. Dial up is dial up man, and DSL still DIALS UP!
So, this network of tubes and teleforns, supported by an already established trust fund of Conservative Party money and Liberal Party rule bending, set the stage for Rogers Communications to become the biggest communications company in Canada. All 3 days after Ted took the lead.
THE JACKUP OF CABLE PRICES (true)[edit | edit source]
Long story short- Ted realized that his and other communications companies in Canada were charging fair and reasonable prices for the shit services they delivered, and in true conservative fashion, they decided this would not do. They got together with zombie Alexander Ghram bell, the then head of bell, and threatened to eat their balls if they didn’t raise their prices so he could use the excuse of "rising costs of maintaining communication services in Canada". while they jacked up the price by about 200% (closer to the real number than you think.....man we need to regulate shit up here in Canada. these fuckers are fucking us bad), lets just say there was allot of consensual zombie ball eating, and the birth of a beautiful friendship between Rogers and Bell. Thus Ted Rogers had artificially inflated the market. What a douche bag.
CELL PHONES AND JOHN MCCAIN AND BLACKBERRYS AND YOUR MOM. ……. NOT YOUR MOM. YOUR MOM IS MENTIONED IN THIS ARTICLE LINKED HERE THOUGH. YEAH, JSUT CLICK ON THE WORD "HERE" ANYWHERE IN THIS SENTENCE OR THE LAST, OR JUST DO THE SAME WITH THE WORD "MOM". yeah, you done it. good job. clearly you were born on a retard farm. go kill yourself.[edit | edit source]
While it is true (I’m dead serious) that Rogers did not turn a profit on their cell phone campaign for the first 10 years (dead serious. I used to work there), that all changed when John McCain invented the blackberry in 2008. As is custom in old white people culture, John McCain went to the great shitty north for a retard conservative fuckfestival that happens once a year in Alberta. Somewhere in the pile he came into (heh heh) Ted, and after a long and soapy shower, they got to talking. McCain suggested that they get together and release a device called the fagberry, but for marketing purposes they changed the name to the blackberry to reference their shared love of the average black mans very small cock and berries, which is a lot like the very small phone we now call the blackberry.
This exploded into a giant success. Whatever. Blackberries suck. I have an Iphone that sucked ass until I loaded Linux onto that motherfucker. Linux is the difference between dog sucking and kitten huffing. As soon as "smart phones" hit the Rogers market, they immediately jacked up the data plan prices as to optimize the raping of the Canadian public. It worked. We are all raped. Except the Newfies, they DO the raping. They raped the Nazi’s. Want to know who came up with the way to fight mustard gas with pissing on a rag and breathing through it? Newfoundlanders. Suck it, they are so bad ass, nothing fazes them. Just a little history for ya. They are the Scottish of the great north.
THE PURCHASE OF THE SKYDOME, REBRANDING AS TEH ROGERS CENTER, THE FIRST CELL PHONE JAMMING ZONE, AND THE FUCKING OF NON-ROGERS CUSTOMERS (true)[edit | edit source]
As we all know, Ted Rogers is child molester. Now, as we all know also, kids love sports. What better a place to install the world’s first cell phone jamming device that jams cell phone signals so lost kids can’t find their parents? Well, that’s exactly what Ted and Mike did. They bought the sky dome, renamed it the Rogers center (which only communists call teh Rogers center) and installed such a device. The only catch is, it blocks out cell phone signals of all cell phones NOT ON THE ROGERS NETWORK. This way, they can guarantee the shafting of fresh assholes that haven’t already been screwed as their existing clientele. Now, this may sound crazy, but this all actually happened. Next time you are in the sky dome, try using your cell phone. If you are a Rogers client, it’ll work, if not, duct tape your kids to your arm, carry a knife, and tread carefully.
RIPPING OFF A.I.D.'S AD CAMPAIGNS (true)[edit | edit source]
Remember that A.I.D.'S relief campaign sign you’d see at mall's back in 07 and 08 and sometimes in 09 if they forgot to take the signs down? Where you find something red, and the money spent goes to fighting A.I.D.'S? No? Well your probably a retard. It was all the rage in Canada. Such a huge advertising campaign, that Ted decided to make a Rogers advertising campaign with the exact same fucking theme. It was the same goddamn campaign, only it was for Rogers, AND NOT BENIFITING A.I.D.'S IN ANY WAY. Nobody cared because Canadians are apathetic fucking cunts. a billion people died of aids, and the Canadian youth continued to listen to avril lavign and sum41 and be the wretched waste's of 1stworld born advantages they were always meant to be. If the world is just, God has a terrible, terrible place for them reserved in hell.
THE DEATH OF TED ROGERS (very true)[edit | edit source]
In 2008 Ted Rogers Passed away from serious bad Karma. He was just such a fucking asshole that eventually Richard Simmons put some "terrible, terrible, damage" to his cock via a cracked mercury based thermometer being inserted up it. God was quoted as saying "fuck guy, enough is enough. Ted, you are just such a fucking asshole. You just have to go to hell. I mean, I guess I wasn’t really paying attention when you got made. I was probably watching Oprah or something. I'm just gonna kill the shit outta you"- Associate press.
HOW I KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT TED AND WHAT HAPPENED TO ROGERS WHEN TED DIED.[edit | edit source]
Well, I was privy to allot of insider info when I worked at Rogers. When Ted died, as any good rich white bastard run company, the company went to the lovechild of Mike and Ted- mini Ted Rogers, who was also a supreme douche bag.
I have to admit, When he died, I hopped outta my cubicle and shouted "YESSSSSS, FINALLY!". I proceeded to my bosses office, a "Linda Rodriguez" at the Rogers Kitchener Ontario office, with some very used toilet paper (I had had allot of booze and Indian food the night before. them Indians really know how to make the food to make you shit violently) and wiped her doorknob, keyboard and mouse with my shit. She was out for lunch and never figured it out. I watched her eat my shit, without washing her hands. Eat shit and die you cunt. Linda Rodriguez is a cunt. Eat shit.
COULD OWNING A ROGERS.COM PHONE BE USEFUL FOR YOU?[edit | edit source]
YES but only IF you do not have bowel control because placing it in the relevant orifice might just finally give it a useful purpose and you must be full of it if you are dumb enough to want to own a Rogers.con piece of shite
Please recycle your Rogers.con cellphone ideally from the day you were dumb enough to buy it (i.e. don't just think of it as a utterly useless overpriced piece of shite that should just immediately be taken to a landfill but it could be broken down by the few remaining peasants in rural China and used to poison a local reservoir as well).
CUSTOMER FEEDBACK[edit | edit source]
“In soviet Russia, Ted Rogers is a patriot and for sure not a child molester.”
“Conservatives fursur aren’t paid off by the same assholes that pay off the Canadian Liberal party. Hell no. ok, well, maybe I do pass a few bills over to Harper from time to time, but that’s just for child support. I swear. ...what? He drowned our lovechild in a toilet after smashing his skull to bits on the bowl? That sounds like him. Good ol Stephen Harper.”
“Our biggest goal is to destroy the foundation of our great nation, which isn’t so great since those suckers fell victim to the same corporatism those American and Italian retards did....I mean, to make it rain lollypop dildos.”
“Ted Rogers is one of the most despicable villains in Canadian history. They don’t have the death penalty there in Canada, but for him, they shoulda made an exception.”
“If given a choice between a Rogers.com cellphone and a month-dead skunk lying in a pile of its own diarrhea and vomit, between two rats who died at the same time, I would go for the rodents any day.”
“The direst collection of wrong numbers/webshite/help-free desks/dead chat/convoluted complaints procedures leaves the the diarrhea crusted triad smelling so sweet by comparison.”