Alexander Graham Bell-End

Alexander Graham Bell-End was renowned for his inventiveness and all-round telecommunicational industriousness, introducing several advancements in support of this particular medium – sound movement. Amongst these is the first telephone, the first telephone sexchange, he introduced telephone sexlines, the first mobile and the first hands-free set.

Alexander as he appeared in his PlayGirl photoshoot in 1984

Early years

Alexander was fascinated by the concept of telephones from an early age and could often be heard playing 'telephones' with his nanny, making up names for the various parts of the phone. He would normally be the large dial, and his nanny would be the receiver, something she shrieked at on many an occasion.

The world's first telephone, pictured here outside The Nationnal Telephone Museum, Cumbernauld, Wankashire

He was brought up on the very rim of Bell End in Worcestershire, and indeed when you peel back and eye the family history, you can see he was raised from good stock. His father, Sir Harry Bell-End, was an explorer and was the first to get his head wet under the Virgin Falls in Deep South Wales. He was also rumoured to have discovered the now famous Winnet’s Pass in Derbyshire, something that it’s true to say not many men have dared entering.

His father was responsible for much of the scientific knowledge that Alexander learnt and also of the four languages he could speak (French, Latin, Welsh and Punjabi), although it’s been documented that his father was a little difficult to understand on account of his deep throaty voice, nothing that I’m sure a good cough would have cleared. Alexander was quick to learn and indeed had a thirst for knowledge, often pulling on his father to give him more.

In addition to his early learnings, his father tought the young Bell-End how to fend for himself in the wild, showing a true huntsman’s instincts and how to trap and kill small animals and birds, using corn and barley to coax in the said prey. Indeed his father had quite a reputation locally as being a cereal master baiter.

Despite popular belief his father was not the real brainbox of the house – that honour went to his mother, Dame Fanny Batter, herself a cunning linguist (incidentally she kept her maiden name as she felt adding a Bell-End to her Fanny would have created a name that made people not take her seriously). She was fluent in 8 languages, had a classics degree and also a budding amateur scientist. What spare time she had to herself she liked to take it in the arts, something Harry Bell-End was only too happy to oblige and give her as much as she wanted. Alexander really looked up to Fanny in a way of admiration and wanted to be just like her (although a man-version).

Sound

He was very interested in sound from an early age. Indeed by the age of 14 he’d already developed his first sort of telephone using some tampons tied together. Unfortunately they didn’t work too well as they absorbed the bloody sound. He tried several different alternative items over the next few years including toilet role inserts, plant pots and tankards. The best prototype he developed was using Klix vending machine cups – they were suitably ribbed for extra controlled vibration. Being a forward thinking scientist, he soon realised that a collection of string based Klix drinks cups would soon hit problems, particularly linking the thousands of households and business that the world would demand in the coming years.

He needed something particularly inventive and he stumbled on the tool we now know as a telephone quite by accident. He had studied sound as part of his BTec course at Arbroath 6th form college and took this further once he’d completed his studies.

Early attempt at blue tooth wireless headset

Whilst undergoing tests for erectile dysfunction, he noticed the physicist keep tugging on his wire. He actually enjoyed it. Also he noticed there was a communication link between the receptionist and the physicist – however this was merely a button which the physicist pressed, a light came on in the receptionist’s room and she came bounding through to service his needs. It was this spark that ignited in Alexanders’ head – what about if two individuals could talk remotely using electrical pulses to somehow transmit sounds. Fuck me he’d done it.

These red erections were common on British high streets

Telephone development

His first telephone was a major success, bringing communcations to the masses. Despite being really heavy (it took two men to lift the receiver) it was an instant success. However this was not enough for Alexander - he wanted to produce something that could be placed on people's desks, on study bureaus and in public toilets. (as pictured)

Following the commercial success of the 'rim' phone Bell-end went from strength to strength. He was nominated for a prize for his contribution to science and technology and even had a condiment named after him, although Bell-End Sauce was not commercially successful. He did a sideline business in products supporting the telephone including answering machines, as well as different teechnologies to support the user eg call back facility, call waiting and developed the greensleeves music on a Bontempi organ.

He quickly caught on to the appeal of the phone by the younger generation and started to make phones that appealed to this generation in all sorts of shapes and sizes and to this day we can see his influence in all the phones we use. He was the first to introduce the concept of lifetstyle phones - items that look lke everyday objects but are in fact (cunningly) telephones such as a banana, a spanner and a coconut, all items you would normally have lying around the house. As things progressed he introduced different ringers rather than the patented Bell-End ring, melodic sounds were all the rage and he gave us a choice of several from which to choose.

Fame and fortune

Part of Bell-End manor - the observatory

But that was just the start. He built his fortune around his telephone sex lines. He was responsible for the 0898 number and its legacy lives on. He now lives in a large mansion in Bell End Manor, just near Wideopen which was built in the shape of massive cock. Local residents say it’s a blot on the landscape and think it’s a monstrosity of an erection. Bell-End however stands firm and is rather proud of his self-styled house. It’s rumoured that he took a leaf out of the Angel of the North artist Antony Gormley (who used a cast of his own body as the basis for his sculpture,

The Rim Phone – made popular by the advertising campaign in the 1970s with the tag line 'The Bell-End Rim phone – it's on everyone's lips'

whereas Bell-End instead took one only of his member). There is a slight lean to the left and one of the halls is slightly larger than the other, as is normal. In addition at the top end is a large observatory, which, when fully pulled back, allows the eye to see the stars beyond and is a rather tremendous sight to behold.

He also embarked on a sideline of novelty items using the Bell-End © insignia as a common thread – cock-shaped paper weights, fridge magnets and umbrellas (which, when opened, forms a massive dome with a sturdy shaft that protects one from the elements). He also has sponsored many sporting events – the Great Bell-End Run, the Bell-End Cunty Crickey championships, Preston Bell-End Football Club, and a host of other smaller events in support of local community sporting efforts.

Out and about

His own lifestyle is however quite the antithesis of his Bell-End empire, choosing to shy away from famedom and preferring instead to be surrounded by his close friends and family. He can however often be seen around his village or in his local pub (the Getmetwelve Inches Inn) he has a penchant for whiskey and can often be seen with a stiff one in his hand. He has also been known to frequent the nearby quayside as the Bell-End is often attracted by the smell of fresh fish. His favourite holiday destination used to be Cockermouth in the north-west reaches of England, and for a while he had a holiday home in Rimmington, although he now prefers to holiday on the Greek island of Kefosyphilis, where naked bathing is the norm and he can just hang out with the locals.

The world's first commercially avialable hands free car kit

Trivia

• Alexander once did his 27 times table in a world reecord of 11.3 seconds, only to be beaten off later by a Chinese schoolteacher in celebration
• He once circumnavigated the globe in nothing but a clipper bearing the Bell-End insignia. It was rumoured to have been a ballsy effort
• Alexander was known to have liked dipping his knob in lemon curd and running about the house looking for a pie to ram it into

See also

• Alexander Graham Bell
• Phallic Symbol