Parasitic eyebrows

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“Those furry things that make voices in your head.”

~ Oscar Wilde on eyebrows

“Mine are awesome.”

~ My Butt on eyebrows

“Mine are awesomer, because they deflect bullets!”

~ Superman on eyebrows

Parasitic eyebrows are a pair of eyebrows, who, by mistake or intention, plant themselves onto the body of a human being during birth or the life cycle of the human.

The Eyebrows[edit | edit source]

Not many people understand the existence of parasitic eyebrows. They are quite rare, as they are a dying breed. Yet, every once in a while, when a human is born, a pair of eyebrows is born along with it. Note that parasitic eyebrows are not to be confused with fake eyebrows.

Method of Elimination

The average human has four limbs, 104 fingers, two heads (see female) and one set of eyebrows. According to these statistics, every human should host one pair of eyebrows. However, this is not so. When humans begun to take study in science long ago, an agreement was made. That agreement was to make all humans immune to the belief of parasitic eyebrows. They derived a chemical formula from eggplants and spike bracelets. This chemical was known to have been injected into the patient's head, and creates the disbelief of parasitic eyebrows. The scientists, along with the new formula, created fake eyebrows on the patient, to make humans look normal. It is hereditary, and those who have been injected with the chemical have passed the gene down to their children, making them un-believing as well. In these modern times, the majority of the human population has acquired the autosomal-dominant gene for disbelief of the parasites, as well as fake eyebrows with it. Almost every single human on Earth now wears a pair of fake eyebrows. Their main function is to express emotion, such as anger, amazement, or are used in various methods of communication.

A pair of fake eyebrows, conveniently located just above the eyes

The Parasitic Eyebrows

Not to be mistaken for fake eyebrows, they are the eyebrows that choose a human host to do their bidding, and are almost completely identical to the appearance of fake eyebrows. With the naked eye, one could not tell the difference between fake and real. There are rules and a personal relationship between the host and the parasite. Some rules between the host and parasite are required in maintaining a healthy relationship. These are decided between the two. A good friendship should and is usually developed between the host and the eyebrows, as a symbiotic relationship would benefit both. The parasite gets a host, and the humans are able to express emotion.

Behavior and Nature[edit | edit source]

The behavior of an average parasitic set of eyebrows varies from eyebrow to eyebrow. But there are common things that they share alike. These things include the need of a host, sleep, energy, food, shelter, water, and good health. Most of these things are provided by the human host, which is why it is imperative that it finds a willing host.

Unwilling Hosts

This is one of the few times when the eyebrows get angry. In their fear of not surviving because the selected host is unwilling to accept the parasite, they get violent. Pain inflicted onto a human from eyebrows is excruciating, and almost always leads to death, unless of course the human prays for mercy and accept the offer. From then on you and your parasite will live together until you both die. The damage caused the eyebrows can result in many things, such as having your head implode, the transformation into an eggplant (or aubergine), or the severe addiction to kitten huffing.

Host Picking

If a human unborn child is destined, it will receive a pair of parasitic eyebrows at birth. However, if for some reason there is a free-floating pair somewhere, the eyebrows will get to choose its host. There are some things in people that eyebrows look for. Certain qualities must be present for a suitable host. Some rules apply in choosing. Identical twins are not an option, because it would be too confusing.


Parasitic eyebrows require constant sleep, mostly throughout the day. They are mainly nocturnal creatures, and aid their host with colorful and inspiring dreams during the human's sleep. They keep watch to ensure the host's safety during the night. Sleep is one of their main sources of energy, and they are incapable of communicating while sleeping.


Eyebrows have multiple ways of communicating. Most of them use telepathy to communicate with their host, and their host may use telepathy as a response. This way, no one else except for them can hear each other’s words. Sometimes, when eyebrows lose their temper they will yell. This happens when the eyebrows are angry or frustrated. The sound is similar to three-hundred Duracell batteries exploding in a Jell-O-o room.Their most favorite sex pose is 69ing it up. Humans find the noise extremely disturbing, as it alarms them and shifts them into the natural fight-or-flight response. Eyebrows almost never yell, but when they do, everyone in a fifty foot radius can hear them clearly. The noise is often blamed on the host. Hearing a set of eyebrows yell is so rare, it happens in about every 50 in 2 chances. When there are other people around who aren’t affected by the non-belief gene and are good friends of the host, the eyebrows may also have a special connection with them as well. They are given the ability to hear the eyebrows' telepathy if it is directed towards them, and they can also serve as pawns in the parasites' wishes. They too, are required to follow rules, such as keeping the eyebrow's ability to speak a complete secret. If this oath isn’t kept, the pawns are sent to the mercy of the flying spaghetti monster.

Diseases and Disorders[edit | edit source]

Because the population of parasitic eyebrows dwindles every year, some are forced to mate with unhealthy or sick eyebrows in order to keep their species from extinction. Because of this, various diseases and disorders can affect any parasite. Depending on its severity, it may even affect the host. Some disorders might include: unibrow-ness, tribrow-ness, fatbrow, and nobrow.

The Mona Lisa, painted by Leonardo DiCaprio, has the nobrow disorder

Diseases in eyebrows are quite common, but most can be dealt with swiftly and easily. Here is a list of possible diseases parasitic eyebrows can acquire:

  • Browlice brow brow yum
  • Hairloss
  • Tay-sachs disease
  • Obesity
  • Exploding Eye Syndrome (EES)
    A severe case of EES, affecting the human host.

Individuality[edit | edit source]

Every set of eyebrows has a unique power - some can tell the future, some can tell temperature, others can sense the presence of evil. Like the human fingerprint, no set of eyebrows is identical in power or look.

Famous People Possessing Parasitic Eyebrows[edit | edit source]