University of Notre Dame
“Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!”
“BRETT FAVRE!”
“HANNAH MONTANA!”
“They're always after me Lucky Charms!”
The University of Notre Dame du Lac (or simply Notre Dame) was founded by God at the Dawn of Time in South Bend, Indiana. When the final stones of the campus were lain down,a choir of angels proclaimed its eternal splendor and glory. Notre Dame is a University for Real christians only (Catholics), which means that God defends it with his own shield and sword. If you go to Notre Dame, you are automatically going to heaven.
Athletics[edit | edit source]
Notre Dame possesses some the best athletic teams ever seen by modern man. For their mascot, Notre Dame has chosen some pissed off Irishman, since in fact it is the Irish, not the Israelites as previously believed, that are God's chosen people. They are the Fighting Irish since, as everyone knows, the Irish were endowed with the best fighting prowess of all humanity.
Football[edit | edit source]
God's excess fat was made into Notre Dame's former head football coach, Charlie Weis. Weis was originally an offensive coach for the New England Patriots, but became a born again Christian and realized that the Patriots were only winning because they videotaped the other team's signals. Contrary to all other known opinions, Notre Dame is the team of God. If you like them, then you're automatically a saint. Everyone who attends rival Universities such as Michigan, Purdue, Pitt, Navy, USC, Protestants, etc. are going straight to hell.
As it turns out however, Charlie Weis is actually the fattest man to have had a gastric bypass surgery. Unfortunately, it did not help minimize his appearance, but made us wonder why he is still obnoxiously huge. Weis was fired for being over 500 pounds in 2009, and was replaced by Brian Kelly, Cincinatti's former head coach.
Notre Dame is the last remaining independent university (except for military schools and the football powerhouse of the Mormon Church). This, clearly, is because they are awesome enough to take on all of the other teams at once. This football matchup of Everybody v. Notre Dame is at this time still yet to happen, but there is no doubt as to who would come out on top.
A shrine in Notre Dame's stadium, Touchdown Jesus (itself a re-worked mural of David Koresh donated by the Branch Davidians just prior to the 1993 ATF intervention), is there to remind all visiting teams that they are not only playing against a University, but the will of Jesus the Almighty. It is said, quite truthfully, that for every point Notre Dame scores, a Demon commits suicide. So in 2007 very few Demons died, except for when Notre Dame played Duke. This led to the Great Demon Cluster Suicide of 2007.
Notre Dame will certainly win next year.
Alumni[edit | edit source]
- Regis Philbin
- Steve Bartman
- Yasser Arafat featuring the E Street Band
- Condoleezza Rice
- Joe Montana
- Rudy
- Lou Holtz
- Jerome Bettis
- Some guy that did absolutely nothing in the NFL. We know Reggie Bush went to USC, but he did nothing in the NFL, so he fits in this category.
- The Gipper
- Quasimodo
- Brady Quinn
People Who Wish They Were Alumni[edit | edit source]
- Regis Filmore
- Bob "Grandma" O'Toole
- Actual leprechans. They're always after me Lucky Charms!
- Michigan football players from last season
- The Detroit Lions, they could actually lose to ND in football.
- That guy from that thing
- Lou Holtz...'s brother Jim
- Your mom
- Most Irish-Cathloic people that live in America
- You. Admit it.