New Jersey Turnpike
The New Jersey Turnpike is a toll road in that space between New York, Pennsylvania, and Delaware. Built during the rule of King Lorenzo II, it was constructed to squeeze as much money out of non-New Jersey residents trying to flee to the less shitty cities of New York City, Philadelphia, and Baltimore. New Jersey gets 80% of its tax revenue from the Turnpike, compared to only 10% for the Garden State Parkway.
Toll collection system[edit | edit source]
The New Jersey Turnpike boasts a state-of-the-art toll collection system. There are tolls at the entrance and exit to every single interchange on the turnpike, making sure there is no way to cheat the system (unless you go behind the service areas and through the back gates and find your way from there). The Turnpike was created with few exits just to make sure once people get onto the Turnpike, there is little chance for them to escape, thus forcing everyone to pay an extra dollar or two to reach their destinations. There are service areas on the Turnpike so New Jersey can earn extra revenue from people buying gas or food, so even though the toll may appear to be $6.45, New Jersey's really getting a lot more money than that.
Implementation of E-ZPass[edit | edit source]
New Jersey saw an irresistible chance to monetize their assets with the creation of E-ZPass. With the implementation of E-ZPass, New Jersey would earn extra money from fining people $120 for driving through an E-ZPass lane without an E-ZPass tag. Recently, high speed E-ZPass lanes have been added just to insult everyone without E-ZPass, and get more confused tourists to drive through the E-ZPass lanes. New Jersey also gets money from people with E-ZPass tags having to pay "maintenance" fees.
Dictator Corzine's sinister plan to raise tolls[edit | edit source]
In 2006, Corzine and his minions proposed a toll increase that would raise the price for travelling the whole Turnpike from $6.45 to $102.92 by 2012. The plan would give New Jerseyans so much money that residents would be paying negative taxes. Unsurprisingly, Corzine quickly cancelled his plan due to opposition from 4% of New Jersey residents. Instead, Corzine snuck an increase on the price for toilet paper.
Conspiracy to force non-residents to pay as much as possible[edit | edit source]
New Jersey ensures that travelers pay as much money as possible for traveling the Turnpike. Have you ever wondered why there is no direct connection between Interstate 95 in Pennsylvania and the New Jersey Turnpike? This is a conspiracy to force people to use the Turnpike, whether they like it or not. If New Jersey can afford to have those signs thanking people for riding the New Jersey Turnpike, then they could easily afford to make an interchange between the real I-95 and the Pennsylvania Turnpike Extension.
New Jersey also pours money into spreading propaganda. Their main focus is making motorists believe their tolls are necessary to maintain the road, and that their money is actually being put to good use. Because of heavy brainwashing, some people have even just accepted that tolls are a natural part of life, and believe nothing can be done about it. Well, actually, something can be done about the tolls, but not if people have that attitude. The tolls can even be removed completely one day if enough people protest the government, but at this rate, there's a better chance of them being tripled increased within a month.
Did you know that entering New Jersey is free, but it costs up to 8$ to exit New Jersey? Well, the only way thay can be possible is because of some kind of conspiracy. It costs nothing to cross the Raritan River without using the Garden $tate Parkway, but it costs money to cross the Delaware River and Hudson River. Some theorists believe that New Jersey created the Delaware River and Hudson River just to have another excuse to tax people.
Ways in which New Jersey wants you to believe your toll is being used[edit | edit source]
- Improving all of those potholes
- Making it so the section near New York isn't always gridlocked
Ways in which your toll is really being used[edit | edit source]
- Jon Corzine's new mansion in Princeton
- Giving Corzine a new SUV, even though he doesn't deserve it
- Wayne Bryant's mansion in Moorestown
- Giving Former Newark mayor Sharpe James a new 96" high definition television to entertain him while he's in federal prison
- Expanding the fleet of traffic police and giving them new technology to better arrest people
- Trying to reclaim the Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island, and the rest of the Holy Land annexed from us by New York
- Giving the toll collectors, toll inspectors, and toll executives pay raises
- Building new toll facilities to better tax motorists on the New Jersey Turnpike
Exit list[edit | edit source]
| County | Location | # | Mile | Destinations | Notes |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Salem | Pennsville Twp | 0.00 | Start of pain and misery | Don't take the New Jersey Turnpike! Interstate 295 is toll free, and parallels the Turnpike for most of its length. | |
| Carneys Point Township | 1.12 | Your last chance to turn around | If you enjoy animal abuse, visit Cowtown Rodeo. It has entertaining events such as calf groping and steer wrestling. | ||
| 1 | 2.4 | Too late for people unwilling to donate to the New Jersey Tax Fund! | |||
| Gloucester | Woolwich Township | 2 | 12.8 | Some random cows, hillbillies, New Jersey Devil | Keep driving on; nothing exciting here. |
| Camden | Boro of Runnemede | 3 | 26.1 | The most rundown city on earth aka Camden, Philadelphia, Atlantic City | There are many places to buy illegal drugs here. |
| Burlington | Mount Laurel Township | 4 | 34.5 | Northeast Philadelphia | If you like shopping, there's plenty of malls here. |
| Westampton Township | 5 | 44.1 | Some more hillbillies, a cool military base | Bring automatic weapons, since car bombs won't be as effective. | |
| Mansfield Township | 6 | 51.0 P5.6 |
Pennsylvania Torturepike Extension (Pennsylvania's version of the New Jersey Turnpike) | It's like the New Jersey Turnpike, but with a lot more more cows and Amish. | |
| Florence Twp | (6A) | P2.6 | Last exit before the Pennsylvania Torturepike | Don't forget to visit the farmer's markets. | |
| Bordentown Twp | 7 | 53.3 | Cool air force base | Great place to hijack airplanes! | |
| Mercer | Robbinsville Township | 7A | 60.5 | I-195, Six Flags Great Adventure, Trenton, Easy Girls, Nice Beaches | Just because you're not on the New Jersey Turnpike doesn't mean that you're not giving us money. |
| East Windsor Township | 8 | 67.6 | A poor farmer and his boy ask people for money | Sometimes, the farmer also brings his wife and 6 daughters. | |
| Middlesex | Cranbury Twp | 72.8 | Turnpike divides northbound, merges southbound. (Inner roadway for white people only, outer roadway for colored people/animals.) | ||
| Monroe Township | 8A | 73.9 | Nothing to see here, just a bunch of filthy rich suburbanites and violent soccer moms | Notice how there's so many golf courses, but nobody ever uses them. | |
| East Brunswick Township | 9 | 83.4 | Rutgers University, lazy college students, basketball obsessed jocks. | Watch out for all of the bad drivers and alcoholics. | |
| Edison Township | 10 | 88.1 | A really confusing interchange that frequently causes tourists to end up in New York City | At least that's not New Jersey. | |
| Woodbridge Township | 11 | 91.0 | Garden $tate Parkway | Don't take this exit! It only connects to the Garden $tate Parkway, which results in you having to pay a double toll. | |
| Boro of Carteret | 12 | 95.9 | Nothing to see here but oil refineries, abandoned warehouses, and smog | Also a secret hideout for mafia members. | |
| Union | City of Elizabeth | 13 | 99.4 | Hell | You get the point. |
| 13A | 101.6 | Newark Liberty International Airport | An even better plae to hijack airplanes! | ||
| Essex | City of Newark | 14 | 104.7 | Newark Liberty International Airport, I-78, Amtrak, Secret entrance to Heaven | Connects to Newark Bay Extension |
| Hudson | City of Jersey City | 14A | N3.5 | Italian immigrants with funny accents, Irish immigrants with funny accents, Polish immigrants with funny accents | One of the better parts of North Jersey, if you can believe it. |
| 14B | N5.5 | Jersey City, Liberty State Park, Asian immigrants with funny accents | Great place to visit, but not a great place to live. | ||
| 14C | N5.9 | Black people, Hispanic people, Holland Tunnel | Keep all your stuff locked up, including your children, to make sure they don't get stolen. | ||
| Essex | City of Newark | 105.6 | If you didn't already, you better choose which way to go before you hit that Jersey barrier! | ||
| 15E | E106.9 | Just another run-down part of Newark | It's like New York City without the tourists, skyscrapers, and parks. | ||
| Hudson | Town of Kearny | 15W | E108.5 W108.8 |
I Can't Believe it's Not Newark | I can't believe it's not Newark either! Did you see that homeless man with the long beard walk by? |
| Town of Secaucus | 15X | E110.8 | It only gets worse and worse | And so does the traffic. | |
| 16E 18E |
E112.3 | New Jersey residents get even more money (East side) | |||
| 17 | E112.7 | A really confusing interchange that frequently causes tourists to end up in New York City | At least that's not New Jersey. | ||
| Bergen | Boro of East Rutherford | 16W | W112.7 | Meadowlands Sports Complex | Pssst! No one really plays football here! This is actually one of the premier strip clubs of New Jersey. |
| Boro of Carlstadt | 18W | W113.8 | New Jersey residents get even more money (West side) | ||
| Village of Ridgefield Park | E117.2 W116.8 |
Thank god! It's the end! Unless you're travelling southbound… | |||
| Wait, no, never mind. There's an 8$ toll for exiting New Jersey located on the George Washington Bridge | |||||