HowTo:Hijack a plane

“Bang! And the plane is gone.”

~ Barry Scott on Terrorism

“You mean like the planes that crashed into the Towers? No, that was a piloting error.”

~ George W. Bush on 9/11

“You ever seen a kid get his Lego building knocked down by a bully?”

~ CBBC

Have you ever seen a plane take off and thought 'How could I make that crash?'

Have you ever been through airport security and thought 'How could I get a weapon through here?'

Have you ever looked at a tall American building and thought 'How could I make that collapse?'

Well, with a bit of preparation it is easy as winning scrabble against an idiot.

You will need...

• Scissors (Under 18s must always get Parental Supervision!)
• Glue
• An endless supply of tough-ish plastic cutlery
• Old socks
• Sellotape
• 100 9v batteries
• Copper wire
• A solid iron bar
• A remote control car/radio doorbell
• A decent solder kit
• A roll of duck tape
• Balls
• A terrorist "friend"
• The inclination for suicide

Preparation

1. Use the cutlery to make a shank, for those of you who are not street enough to know what one is: it is an improvised weapon, usually made in prison to defend yourself from rapists. Basically what you want to do is make a really sharp small weapon that will not set off metal detectors.
2. Now the easy part. You will need to make an electro-magnetic pulse weapon which will fit in your suitcase and not exceed the weight limit, but will be capable of destroying all of the electronic equipment on the plane. Wrap the copper wire very carefully around the solid iron bar, methodically, remember making a crystal radio as a kid? A bit like that.
3. Now connect all of the batteries, make sure you connect the big connector to the little connector, basically making a massive line of batteries. We will call this the power supply, as it supplies power.
4. Rip open the remote control car/doorbell. Find the wires connecting to the motors, remove the motors, and connect all of motor wires to the ends of the coil.
5. Attach power supply to were the batteries would go in the remote control car.
6. Point the positive end of this device upwards slightly in the suitcase.

Congratulations you have a shank and an EMP.

Enaction

1. Hide the shank somewhere on body were you will not be searched.
2. Check your suitcase in as normal. Don't mention the EMP, or the shank at this stage.
3. Get on to the plane, you should have: a shank, and a remote control.
4. As you approach America, get up and shank all of the crew. The pilots will lock the door to the cabin.
5. Threaten to use your electromagnetic pulse weapon if they do not let you in.
6. They will still not let you in, so try using all your bargaining skills. Say things like "Pretty please!", "I just want to talk", "I'll let you fuck me" and "I'll be your best friend for the rest of your life".
7. Try reverse psychology: "Fine, I won't give you the sweets then."
8. If they still won't let you in, then they will begin to attempt an emergency landing at the nearest airport. So what do you do now? Oh yeah the EMP in your suitcase. That's right, push the big red button, or whatever button it is.

This should work. The plane will crash into the airport at high speed as they attempt to emergency land.

Your EMP weapon somehow fails

Then my friend, the plan takes a final twist.

Open the door of the plane. Everyone will suffocate. Oh wait, the door isn't capable of being opened in the air. Not even by bodybuilders. In which case your plan's fucked.

Hang on a minute

So now you hear the voice in your head saying "But why must I fashion a shank? Surely I can just go through security unarmed, and then order a steak in the departure lounge, stealing the knife, thus arming myself after security?"

Ahh... Well that's a toughie.

Because there's a risk that you would get busted for possessing a knife, especially if you're black.

Yeah...but...

Now you hear that same voice say to you "Why didn't I just press the button so everyone dies in the air?"

Ahh... Well that's a toughie.

But you see, then you wouldn't get the fun of shanking all the staff!

I see your point but...

That same dissenting voice "Why bother with the EMP at all, why not just open the door and let the air out?"

Shut the fuck up. I already covered that you idiot!

The best bit: So how many people will I kill

I would say upwards of 1 million if you EMP fails, depending on the size of the plane. It could be as many a 1 billion if you hit a major city e.g. New York.