NGFC 86 - Prosper vs. MacNaughtan

Noted as one of the bloodiest NGFC Championships to date, NGFC 86 - Prosper vs. MacNaughtan, held at the Gap Center in North Dakota, will long be remembered as the day that racism ended. Consisting of 5.8 rounds of pure brutality, this showdown of the titans filled the air with the foul stench of rivalry that will undoubtedly be made into several movies starring Tom Cruise.

Contenders

Gliding Swallow Defecating-Moose "Eagle Sparrow Hawk" Prosper

Clearly the underdog of the fight, Gliding Swallow Defecating-Moose "Eagle Sparrow Hawk" Prosper was an up and comer from a reserve just north of the arena. Born and raised where the graceful Hurd climbs hopefully toward the morning sun and the mighty Kemptville Creek flows untamed by the evils of the Oxford Mills Dam, Defecating Moose had a normal childhood for his peoples. From his first breath it was decided by his tribal elders that Prosper would represent his clan as a participant in the growing fad of MMA (Menacing Midget Arm-Wrestling).

One of Sparrow Hawk's many hobbies.

Prosper spent the first 10 years of his life training with the mighty Hurd. Every morning at 4:00 a.m. he would run 20 kilometers in 30 minutes to an lush clearing in the woods where he would proceed to engage wild bears in hand to hand combat for 3 hours straight, all to the tune of Eye of the Tiger. Following a meditation session where he reconnected with the spirits of the animal kingdom, Prosper would tame a wild stallion and ride him home before ripping the horse's heart out with his bare hands and eating it, so as to gain the courage of the wild animal. Unfortunately, these live hearts, though high in manliness, were often low in protein, so Defecating Moose would usually have to drink a couple litres of protein shake mixed with the blood of his enemies to quench his insatiable thirst. Every day at high noon, Prosper would run around shirtless, repeatedly flexing his bulging pectorals to maintain his perfect balance of jacked and tanned. Finally, Eagle would tie himself to the rafters of his house and do inverted crunches until his already massive 6-pack turned into a beer factory, while his father periodically yelled out random motivational phrases he found on the internet.

Sadly, Prosper's early life was filled with tragedy, as where the lives of so many First Nation people. From an early age, his younger brother, Old Yeller Prosper, showed signs of retardation. Though it may not have been obvious at a casual glance, the manner in which he ran around the Prosper reservation screaming nonsense at the top of his lungs and hitting himself in the chest with his left arm made it all too apparent to experts. The family tried to put up with his shenanigans, but when Old Yeller took a dump in Eagle's Lucky Charms something had to be done. Defecating Moose took Old Yeller out back one day, but his gun jammed. Eager to rid himself of his loving brother, Eagle called his family out to the yard and they all beat him to death with pool noodles... he never felt a thing. The death of Old Yeller has never been a public source of motivation for Eagle Sparrow Hawk, but he has never entered a fight without his Lucky Charms marshmallow necklace.

Another hobby.

Today Eagle survives as a soldier of fortune. The babes may be literally all over him, but he has chosen a life of celebate training over sexual adventure. Girls will often spontaneously remove their tops around Sparrow Hawk, but he can't afford to waste time on such trivial pursuits. Undoubtedly, the secret to his smoothness around the women is wanking it. Gliding Swallow wanks it in a box, he wanks it with a fox; he wanks it with a mouse, he wanks it in a house; he wanks it here and there; in fact, the general consensus is that he wanks it everywhere. This one time, Prosper was all up in this club, and the girls in the club were all "We wanna have your babies Prosper!", and he was all I wish I could, but I have to go lift weights...WITH MY ERECTION.

Weighing in at 450 kilograms, and standing 7 feet tall, Eagle is a literal human wrecking ball. In the octagon he demonstrates a great degree of skill, but his form is often impaired by his emotion. Often his losses will bring on large crying fits, lasting weeks on end. Only after he cements his character will he have any chance of cementing his place in NGFC MMA history.

"Mad Dog" Macnaughtan

In the late 90's,the ancient race of space dinosaurs had taken refuge in an abandoned convenience store in Edinburgh, Scotland. The space dinosaurs race consisted of only females (or what we would call females). Their breeding process requires the seed of any male donor, no matter the species.

The Prize

The Right to Mate

What made this fight so important was undoubtedly what was at stake. Not only was each contestant fighting for their right to party, but they were fighting for their right to make sexy time. While the winner of the fight was to receive a box of Magnum XL's and a vial of date-rape, the loser was going to have a pissed off cat go all pain olympics on his member, nobody was going to be taking any dives in the match.

The Event

Round 1

Right off the bat, Sparrow Hawk came out with a strong offense, as was expected. He backed MacNaughtan into a corner within 10 seconds and was looking for a TKO by orgasm.

Round 2

The game was BR start on the pit. MacNaughtan quickly jumped from the starting platform to the green room to grab invis. He doubled back and was able to out BR Eagle in the rocket tunnel to gain control of the power weapon. MacNaughtan rushed to enemy flag spawn and was able to silence Gliding Swallow with a swift rocket to the nutsack.

Round 3

After the first two fights it was time for the competitors to show off there charismatic side. This round was a challenge to see who could get laid the most times in one day. Gliding Swallow started off by drinking enough vodka to get himself hammered, which turned out to be only a teaspoon. While Defecating Moose was chugging the teaspoon of vodka, he accidentally drank a teaspoon and a half and passed-out, although he did get laid moments before he fell to the ground. However, he was not laid by any women, but by his own left hand. Nevertheless, the rules clearly stated that "...as long as the competitor in question blows his load, the score is counted." Meanwhile, Mad Dog MacNaughtan took a plane to Europe to bang every disease-free women in sight, which happened to be a grand total of 926,938.5. Mad Dog was later questioned about the .5 at the end, and he replied "I'll leave that to your imagination". University professors later hypothesized that the .5 could have been from several things, including getting laid by a women with no legs, or by a hermaphrodite. To this day, the question has never been answered, and people continue to speculate, and will continue to unless someone steps forward and reveals the truth. In the meantime, the final score was tallied and it came out to be 926,938.5 - 1 in favour of Mad-Dog, and so Mad-Dog was clearly the victor of this round.