Minkey
 | This article may be Overly British |
“This article is on Minkeys”
“There is a Minkey in the Rhuem ”
“I lost my virginity to one of those ”
“I lost my virginity to one of those one eyed idiots! I was 24 as well. ”
“I lost my virginity to one of those ”
“ No! I lost my virginity to one of those! ”
“I pitty the fool that loses his virginity to a Minkey! ”
“Maybe i should invade their country... ”
“Come on you stupid tits, it takes a fool to spell it minkey, but a genius to spell it Minkey, now make your bloody minds up, which one? ”
Minkey or sadistic tramp, is a fictional creature created by Inspector Clouseau after being slapped by a wet lettuce, it was rather painful, and therefore, it was bloody awful, but it resulted in this great and inspiring word.
Origins[edit | edit source]
It is believed that the term was first coined by a slightly amusing man called Peter Sellers whilst playing Inspector Clouseau in Return of the Pink Panther in 1975. To spread rumour and publicity, Sellers decided to declare his findings to the world by mentioning it subconsciously in the film. It is not clear whether Sellers had met a Minkey before or after this incident, but one thing is clear, Minkeys exist, oh yes..... and the lettuce was very green indeed, oh yes, oh yes Chruchill.....
Appearance[edit | edit source]
No one is really sure what a Minkey looks like, but some believe it to be a monkey wearing a tight suit, or a jesting monkey with cymbals, depending on which theory you believe depends on your sexual orientation.
Some records depict a hairy beast resembling Robin Williams, whereas others have mentioned that the common Minkey is very similar to that of the common zoo monkey, with a tail and horrible vicious fangs, with a fork and a bazooka and and... (that's enough Jeremy).
Finding a Minkey[edit | edit source]
Finding a Minkey can be rather hard, unless your name is Peter Sellers, or you are a Minkey yourself of course. The best way to seduce a Minkey is to be a lady Minkey, or a seductive sex driven female, who has a lust for sexual power over all furry creatures. If so, you're ill and require treatment off Dr. Matt Damon .
Usually, if one eats 25 burgers...oh sorry, wrong instructions. If you get a pencil, and shove it up your rectum, and squeel at the correct frequency (and i mean, really accurate, ever so close, decimal place) one will appear before you. However, this theory has yet to be tested, and may not work, so i wouldn't try it. Have a useless relative test it if they are totally expendable.
Minkey tracks (the marks left on the ground by a passing Minkey not the Ice Cream flavour Minkey Tracks) can only be followed by other Minkeys, and therefore to track down a Minkey, you need a Minkey to do so, by which time there'd be no need to track one down because you'd have one already. Don't tell the Minkey this!
Turning into a Minkey[edit | edit source]
Growing all hairy? Starting to get smelly? If so you're probably experiencing puberty, but if not you're probably turning into a Minkey. Being a Minkey can be a lonely and boring life, but if you know Peter Sellers he will offer to massage you as a gesture of good faith to all fellow Minkeys.
Other symptoms include:
- Eating more vegetables than usual, unless you're a Vegetarian (see Uncle Adolf for more).
- Slapping people with vegetables.
- Feeling excited for no apparent reason.
- Spending an abnormal amount of time on a toilet seat for no real reason (Unless you have dioreaha, nasty...)
- Making speechs like a fish (see Gordon Brown)
- Driving an expensive car at abnormal speeds (See Jeremy Clarkson)
- Huffing illegal substances (instead of kittens) while being an Olympic Idol (see Michael Phellps)
- Noticing that you are no longer President of the United States of America (See George Bush)
Conspiracy Theories[edit | edit source]
- Some people are under the impression that the Minkey, or Minkeys do not exist, this is not the case! There are believed to be 10,000 living in the United Kingdom alone, don't get under the false impression that they are monkeys, thats Jeremy Clarkson's job!
- There is a popular conspiracy theory that all the royal families and "people" in high places with power are in fact Minkeys. The reason is that they wish to control us and raise taxes. However, this cannot be true - as the crown jewles were stolen by a Minkey (why would a Minkey steal another one of it's kind's possesions?) and Gordon Brown could not possibly be a Minkey as he has trouble covering up his expences claims, yet alone controlling the country.
Wildlife Protection[edit | edit source]
As nobody seems to give a shit about Minkeys anywhere else in the world, only Peter Sellers kept records of Minkeys, which were unfortunately lost, though some say it was because of his death, others believe it was because some Minkeys nicked the files to hide their true identities. If so, we don't have a fucking clue.
- If you have any information call this number: Satan (That's a name Jeremy)
- Women wearing mink coats are not Minkeys (please make sure you throw red paint on mink coat wearers not minkeys), they might be minxes though (so save your paint).
- Do not make coats out of Minkeys : you can never get the smell out and (more importantly) if a Minkey sees you wearing a Minkey coat they might force you to have sex with them!! (see quotes above)
- Steve Irwin once rescued a Minkey that was trapped in an old fashion phone booth. Steve and the Minkey became very close to each other until Steve's wife sent the Minkey away and destroyed the film of the rescue. Sadly this would have been the first recorded images of a Minkey. Even sadder Steve and the Minkey never got to say goodbye.
Famous Minkeys[edit | edit source]
- Gordon Brown
- You
- Jeremy Clarkson
- AMinkey
- Robin Williams
- All Monkeys who carry cymbals or wear suits
- Everyone else who cannot be named, because we don't have a clue who the hell they are
- oh and don't forget George Bush
- Michael Nesmith, Davey Jones, Micky Dolenz and Peter Tork are The Minkees popular late sixtes T.V. show and musical group. It is interesting that the group chose this name as Clouseau hadn't invented it yet. Does this mean the're real ? Who or what did the band name themselves after ?? Why the slight difference in spelling ? For the answer to these and other questions tune in tomorrow same Minkees time / same Minkees channel.....
Minkeyism[edit | edit source]
Contrary to popular belief, Minkeys do follow their own religion, this infamous religion is headed by Peter Sellers creator of the Minkey, and his wonderful sidekick Mini me (also called little Peter). It is universaly known that Minkeyism is the 9th most followed Religion in the world after Jedis and those people who follow Jesus, depsite this popular fact however, no-one has ever seen a representative of this Religion speak openly about it on news and radio, I mean, the Jedis had their saga and made millions, and Jesus appears on Songs of Praise regularly, what about Minkeyism?
Outrageous claims[edit | edit source]
- According to Bambi Minkeys do not actually exist and they are in actual fact just monkeys, with Peter Sellers just pronouncing the word wrong. This is complete and total nonsense, don't trust Bambi.
- It is a widly popular myth that minkeys are actually Chavs wearing monkey masks. this also, is not true, as that is just the way that Chavs look.
- All the Minkeys are sleeping and humans only exist in their dreams, so shhhhhh.... don't wake the Minkeys! Our existence hangs in the balance.
- It is popular belief that Minkeys originate from another planet and that the sightings of UFO's were the Minkeys coming to Earth. this is not, however, totally related to the x files in any way, and the u.s. government shouldnt even attempt to cover up this article. if they do, then Barack Obama shall be shoop da wooped.
- It is also thought that the US government covered the above story up, as they were using the Minkeys as a labour force. This is clearly not the case though because the US government only uses labor forces. So is this some sort of double reverse psyc job? Are Minkeys really the Men In Black ?
- Michael Jackson has a friend named BoBo that is actually a Minkey.
- Minkeys wrote, directed and stared in the Planet of the Apes movies.
- Minkeys love milk, especially 1% fat milk, so watch your cup of tea, or breakfast cereal, or cup of milk, or your cow you get the idea
- Minkeys are distant relations of the Gollum creature in LOTR, but, let's be honest, only Gollum could live in a cave that long and not come out to find some food or something to shag inappropriately
Save the Alleged Minkeys Association[edit | edit source]
StAMA is a group of ?...unique??... individuals dedicated to saving the Minkey population. This is their sole goal in life and they are absolutely ruthless in achieving their objectives. If they had a clue what they were doing they would be the top terrorist group in the world. They have raided a few zoos and animal research labs and released a few animals and a few people that were working late (StAMA don't know what a Minkey looks like either).
Minkey.com[edit | edit source]
Ever wanted to worship a creature you've never seen? Well, if you get bored of God or David Niven, there's always a special website that even we, the author's have not dared to go on. But, we have predicted that the site is dedicated to our infamous subject, the hairy Minkey, but if it isn't, you can probably guess that it is some sinister site that no Minkey has ever been on before. Minkey.com is shrouded in mystery, like the Minkeys themselves, strange, so strange... oh, and by the way, "minkey.com" has nothing to do with business and network solutions, and no, the silly auther who wrote this doesn't know you.
Item's of value[edit | edit source]
Although a Minkey and a Gollum are a completely different species of cretin, they share a familiar taste in jewellery - each having a precious. A common fact of the Gollum is that he was attracted to a powerful ring, however a Minkey is attracted to much more valuable items - it was reported that the crown jewels went missing, what they forgot to mention is that a Minkey broke into the tower of London and stole them. The queen was so upset and embarrassed that she said that they were out being cleaned.
International association of Narwhal-Minkeys[edit | edit source]
In 2010 an impressive army of 18,000 Minkeys successfully made contact with one high profile narwhal (known for their kick-ass facial horns), and requested, that due to popular demand, the two most sinister animals in creation make love through means of an association. The narwhal's undemocratically elected President, Ado- sorry Führer Constantine the wet, announced the meeting and historic agreement through the means of vibrations, which could not be understood by anyone. Therefore, sadly, as Minkeys are so obscure, and narwhals don't speak any known human language, we haven't a clue how successful this association, or any of it's meetings have been. In fact, one stupid boy (Jamie) is under the impression that the Minkeys didn't understand Constantine either. Whoops