Kersal Massive
“We dont fuck about!”
“I've heard it makes the DeLorean look shit”
“Where did you get that day saver?”
“I heard they do not fuck about”
The Kersal Massive also known as Hezbolacks are a Madchester armed rebel group committed to gaining independence for the scraggy rundown shithole area of Madchester known as Kersal.
Background[edit | edit source]
The 'Massive' formed in 1988 after talks between the two most notorious gangs Moss Side Large Boys and the Oldham Quakers broke down in tears forcing the UN to begin a hasty withdrawal of its peacekeeping force UNMAN. With little to do in the city other than watching Manchester United play football, or beat up Manchester City supporters visiting from their traditional support base of Stockport and also Stockport, the Kersal Massive became a major focus amongst young people within the East and South of the city. While no-one truly knows where the three major leaders of the Kersal Massive shed is located, suspicions have pointed to a small wooden structure located in the heart of Kersals most dangerous council estate, largely based on the amount of clearly stolen Renault Clio`s overturned outside These men were in the original cast or neighbors' "Little Kev" was dropped because he has AID's and is related to Barack Obama.
Command Structure[edit | edit source]
C Mack[edit | edit source]
“We Don`t fuck about”
Born in Scarbrough to a 18 foot whale and a small Leprechaun called Molly McMilly, C Mack was destined for greatness in comparison to that local homeless drunk often seen masturbating in the bus station. As a proud father aged 9 he was awarded the gold ASBO in the 100 meter shoplifting finals in the Madchester Olympics. In later years he fell into a deep depression inspired by his unrequited love for a sandwich.
He is notorious for his fear of concrete and is a committed member of the National Trust. In 2008 it was announced that in 2010 C Mack will become the first illiterate person in space, subject to him failing to spell or pronounce his name correctly during the training regime.
To this day it is still not known If C Mack does in fact "gots da moneys" based on his rapping ability, as there are rumours he has been spotted sleeping on park benches, waiting for ducks to be fed for food and smelling like dead skin or "dizzles" for several years.
Other alias's include the Madchester Bum Bandit, HSBC Cunt Flap and Peugeot Pussy Fart.
Rumoured to have fathered Lil Kev in a dirty toilet incident.
Update, C Mack actually got shot outside Spar in Picadilly. I guess you could say, he got fucked with.
Little 'fuckin' Kev[edit | edit source]
“Shit on us!”
Complete nobhead, in need either of a smack, or just some love. He lost the ability to rap when he had sexual intercourse with a goat, hence the epithet 'fuckin'.
For six years he trained to be an acrobat with the Moscow state circus but was rejected after being involved in illegal price fixing over the cost of the Radio Times.
He carries a baloon full of helium with him at all times so he can rap in his trademark style with only a moments notice.
He is ruthless in the Salford area for scamming bus drivers with a dodgy daysaver ticket and is still wanted on charges of Grand Theft Auto.
While C-Mack is seen as the most violent of the trio, Little 'fuckin Kev was formally invited to the Royal Manchester Infirmary to witness the unveiling of a ward dedicated to his many deafened victims.
Ginger Joe[edit | edit source]
“The fact that he is ginger makes it all the worse”
“ Yeah Man...”
“There is only one man I would entrust with the safety and security of this fragile world's future. That man is Ginger Joe. ”
Ginger Joe is one of the more popular members, held in great esteem internationally by the left wing intelligentsia. He is often compared to Garibaldi or Che Guevara for his charismatic 'man of the people' persona. However controversy surrounds his actual identity. He has been imitated by various Kersal pussies including Ginger 'Oh Hello' Joe (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ieo_Zr5crs0) and Granny Jane (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTEfelcKAQQ).
He is well thought of due to his disdain for publicity and his terse 'to the point' social commentary. He is often described as being 'above political corruption' and has been nominated for the job of General Secretary to the UN.
Ginger Joe first emerged as a political and military leader of some charisma during the notorious "Salford Civil War" of 2006. This brief, but hugely significant conflict, sparked by a resident of Salford "looking funny" at an unknown patron of "The Hope and Anvil" public house in Kersal, threatened to overwhelm first Salford and then Greater Manchester. At its height (1:35AM, several hours after the England vs. Portugal World Cup fixture) local hospitals reported up to nine casualties swamping their wards, mainly through alcohol related injuries. As the British government declared a state of emergency, Prime Minister Tony Blair broke off a meeting with the European Financial Strategy Group to calm the nation's fears of the conflict spreading, replying "Where is Salford?" to a news reporter in an attempt to deflect attention away from the violence now engulfing the entire pub. It was at this time that a hitherto unknown guerrilla leader, described as "Small. Very small. With a squashed up little face. Ginger." was reported as orchestrating the battle from a chair under the large screen television in the front bar. This mysterious yet clearly accomplished commander was observed to enjoy impressive loyalty from his men; at one point ordering a pool cue to be brought to him so that he could wield it against a man he believed to be unsympathetic to the Kersal cause.
In the aftermath of the war, the many Salford tribes lay divided and vulnerable. Ginger Joe seized power over the Kersal Massive in a swift and bloodless coup from its existing leader C Mack. Shrewdly, Ginger Joe calculated that C Mack and his support base (Little Fuckin' Kev) would be most useful if retained, rather than exiled.In a tense but ultimately successful round of negotiations, held at the bus shelter in Ordsall Road, Ginger Joe offered C Mack a high ranking position within the Massive in return for three bottles of blue Aftershock and what was later reported as "unlimited goes on my Playstation for three days." Little Fucking Kev was appointed "Assistant Deputy Vice Commander and That," a new post specifically created for him. C Mack and Little Fuckin' Kev accepted the offers and the new, restructured Kersal Massive was born. Ginger Joe renewed the Kersal Massive doctrine of "Perpetual War" against Levenshulme, threatening (through Little Fuckin' Kev) to "Fuck" them if they ever "started" anything.
Ginger Joe has keenly protected his identity ever since taking power. He is rarely seen in public and seldom gives interviews, leaving media engagements to C Mack and Little Fucking Kev. he has published several volumes of literature, the most recent being Your Mam's a Fucking Slag: Observations On The Role of Functionalism Within Modern Leadership and occasionally gives lectures to selected audiences at his preferred venue of the park bench next to the play area in Eccles park. His personal life remains shadowy; in several chapters of his first published book Fuck The Asda Car Park: Towards A Reclamation Of Urban Landscapes he hints at a complicated relationship with a young woman referred to as "That Kelly," by whom he is believed to have fathered several children by age 13.
Ginger Joe continues to be a target of rival organisations and in early 2009 survived an assassination attempt orchestrated by longstanding Prestwich group The Milky Bar Flids. While travelling by bicycle to a cabinet meeting of the Kersal Massive in Little Fuckin Kev's Dad's garage, a MBF operative ambushed him and inserted a stick between the spokes of his rear wheel. The bicycle immediately seized up and veered towards an adjacent hedge, forcing Ginger Joe to control the machine with his left leg. Unable to compensate for the sudden imbalance in velocity and weight distribution, he was thrown to the side of the bicycle landing heavily on the pavement and sustaining a grazed knee. A search party (Little Fuckin' Kev) sent by a concerned C Mack, rescued Ginger Joe and transported him to a safe area (The Texaco 24 Hour Mini Mart on Bury Lane). After a long recovery period, Ginger Joe vowed swift and unyielding reprisals against the Milky Bar flids and their associates, declaring his intention to "Fuck them right up.
Publications by Ginger Joe[edit | edit source]
In addition to the above mentioned works, Ginger Joe has penned several other manifestos and journals outlining his vision for Kersal. The below is a partial list.
'That Kelly gives blowjobs for Bacardi Breezers: Sustainable Routes to a New Utopia (2005)
Where's My Fucking Phone? Reflections on the Influence of Neo-Liberalism in Modern Economic Policy (2006)
Fuck Dat Shit: The Crisis of Political Thought in 21st Century Democracies (2007)
Suck My Ginger Balls You Fucking Homo: Reconciling Foreign Policy With A Domestic Social Agenda (2008)
Jizz On Her Mam's Tits: Capitalism in the Kersal Economic Tradition (2009)
Fucking Day Saver: The Triumph of the Political Will 1900-1950 (2010)
Escape From Tree House Headquarters: A Harrowing Tale of Joe's ordeal escaping "The Massive" (2010)
Ginger Joe's "Pigeon English Dictionary" (2011)
Estimated Strength[edit | edit source]
In spring 2006 the UN released a dossier detailing evidence which suggested that the Kersal Massive alliance had amassed a huge armoury including three hundred hand guns, 1,000 grenades, 200,000 round of munitions, 150 machine guns, 800 rockets and a 1989 hip hop CD. These findings contradict the official UK census taken in 2000 which estimated that Kersal had fuck all.
Declaration of War[edit | edit source]
In 2007 the armed wing of the Kersal Massive launched a devastating attack against Levenshulme. Footage of the devastation can be seen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEnK145M9-A. Relief aid immediately began pouring into Levenshulme but the initial reports suggested that a humanitarian catastrophe would be inevitable.
Initial Attack[edit | edit source]
The attack was preceded with a brief and bellicose introduction of the three rebel leaders; the carnage was then initiated by Little Kev who recounted his exploits of getting on a bus and not needing to pay due to his possession of a Day Saver. He then went on to demonstrate his contempt for the law by claiming to have smoked Cannabis in a corner of the bus. He went on to explain how he deftly evaded capture by "laying low" before executing a Grand Theft Auto. Following this opening salvo and as Levenshulme struggled to organise a strategic response, the attack was continued by C Mack who explained how he and Little Kev had accomplished the previously mentioned objectives in an imaginary car called the 05 V6 Clio Twin Turbo. They proceeded to demonstrate their financial and sexual potency by inviting the public to view them driving around with a number of prostitutes in their imaginary car. Shadowy leader Ginger Joe was uncharacteristically filmed urging on his compatriots with a meaningful non verbal gesture of the head and an indistinct sound believed to be a war cry.
C Mack next threatened to rob a bank by rapping before beginning a wholesale massacre of the people of Levenshulme who were by now unable to maintain any kind of civil or military defence due to the lack of "shit" they possessed on Kersal.
During the Initial attack many citizens of Levenshulme were found cursing in the streets and loudly shouting " We brought this on our-selves!!!" when furthered questioned they revealed that the most powerful man in the area (the man who was paid most through benefits) had been caught on film by a Kersal scavenging party saying that "Kersal ain't got nothing on Levenshulme". The repercussions were obviously swift and brutal.
05 V6 Clio Twin Turbo[edit | edit source]
C Mack's claim to be in possession of an "05 V6 Clio twin turbo" became a central feature of the conflict. It was widely suggested that this vehicle had not been manufactured by Renault (makers of the Clio range of small cars) leading experts to conclude that the Kersal Massive had themselves engineered a new and operationally effective armoured car with stark implications for Levenshulme. The specifications of the vehicle are shrouded in mystery, with the Kersal massive refusing to comment on their military hardware. Analysts have hypothesised that the "05 V6 CTT" could well be equipped with side mounted phaser cannons, supported by a central vertical gun turret and quite possibly some kind of net like in that film "The Fifth Element." As yet, the vehicle is not reported to have been operational within Kersal or the wider campaign area, leading to speculation that the car's existence could be an artful and tactically valuable example of propaganda designed to intimidate Levenshulme; However the people of Levenshulme launched a large attack on Kersal to try and locate and secure the spectral '05 V6 Clio Twin Turbo',They were never seen again beyond the large walls of discarded shell suits that signalled the boundaries of Kersel.
Skirmishes[edit | edit source]
After the initial devastation of Levenshulme a great number of localised fights broke out, footage of which can be seen: here: (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gg2JQzDPPj8), here: (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5RYjXoRWTMc), here: (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1lFU2_1Evs), here: (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDoRou1cVck) and here: (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSFxINLlNso).
Some pussies from the third world kingdom of Yorkshire also attempted to increase their influence in the area by totally merkin': (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vDNSTPioE44) the fuck out of Kersal, unfortunately they had little impact.
People's Army of Levenshulme puts down the Revolt[edit | edit source]
After suffering some humiliating defeats the People's Army of Levenshulme finally mobilised and launched a blitzkrieg counter-offensive totally destroying the fighting abilities of Kersal (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JNwcxfXB1ro). The attack began with some ambient sounds then proceeded to a full on murkage of the Kersal Massive. All three commanding officers were denounced as a bunch of pussies, and accused of sucking arse. C Mack in particular was brutally wounded in the attack, when one claiming to have heard him spit declared that his shit was wack.
Kersal Massive Retreat[edit | edit source]
After the large terror brought down on Levenshulme the trio of Commanders disappeared, while it was largely believed that Little 'fuckin Kev was brutally beaten too death by a rain of sovereign rings this was disproved when Ginger Joe reported seeing him rapping back the hordes of chavs and retreating back into Kersal territory. As For C-Mack it is commonly thought that he was called a 'frontin pussy by a much larger man deep in the heart of the Levenshulme, footage retrieved from security camera`s show him running back to his run-down shithole crying. Ginger Joe being by far the smartest of the group (Receiving an honorary award from his mentor`s for being the best at picking locks and beating the shit out of people) had quickly foreseen Kersal losing the battle after realising there was not enough Bacardi Breezer to keep his army energized slowly retreated to his mysterious 'shed' to plan another attack...on a larger scale.
Currently it is believed they are residing in the most dangerous parts of Kersal "laying low", The UN were planning a full scale attack on Kersal with a force of over 500,000 trained soldiers accompanied by Armoured divisions; However these plans were cancelled on June 22nd 2010 after it was believed the fatality rate for the UN forces would be close to 80-100%, Plus there were not enough Ear-mufflers provided to shield the soldiers from the deafening sound of the Kersal Rap.
Music[edit | edit source]
After the success of The Kersal Rap on YouTube, The Kersal Massive spent the remaining months of 2006 recording their album We Dont Fuck About!. The album was released in December and was a commercial and critical successs. Their first single Levenshulme Can Go Fuck That Shit! became the most downloaded single of the year and was christmas number one. This sparked a lot of controversy in the Levenshulme area and Levenshulme MP Gerald Kaufman was forced to make a public announcement. In early 2007 Kaufman declared: "People of Levenshulme, I assure you that we will never have to go fuck that shit as long as I am your MP!"
The Kersal Massive also caused controversy when they released the single 50 Cent Ain't Worth a Dime No More. It is believed that 50 Cent confronted The Kersal Massive outside the newsagents on the 12th of July 2007 but retreated to America after C-Mack threw a Mars bar off his head. The success of the first album has had a massive impact on rap music and has increased the popularity of British rap. Artists such as N-Dubz, Tinchy Stryder and Dizzee Rascal have all revealed in interviews that The Kersal Massive were huge inspirations and influenced their music. Dappy of N-Dubz has a tatoo of Lil' Fuckin Kev on his left bicep and has declared in interviews that Kev is his idol and often states he is the best rapper since Vanilla Ice.
The Kersal Masssive have also had a massive impact on youth culture; surveys have seen a huge increase in young people smoking marijuana on buses and the act of stealing cars. After the Kersal Rap youtube video became a phenomenal success, Berghaus saw sales of Lil' Fuckin Kev's blue Berghaus coat rise over 20%. Many fans of Kersal have also purchased Renault Clios in the hope of customising them into 05 V6 Clio Twin Turbos which are currently unavailable.
It is believed that The Kersal Massive started there own subgenre of rap called C.E hip/hop (Council Estate hip/hop) which has been used by N-dubz in more recent years.
In 2007 The Kersal Massive won the Grammy Award for Album of The Year.
It is rumoured that The Kersal Massive have been recording a new album in their shed set for release in 2013.
Albums:
We Dont Fuck About! - The Kersal Massive (2006)
Knock n Run On A Full Stomach! - The Kersal Massive (2010)
Cos We Knows How TA RAP" (2011)
Singles:
Levenshulme Can Go Fuck That Shit! - The Kersal Massive (2006)
50 Cent Aint Worth a Dime No More - The Kersal Massive (2007)
I Still Smoke Reefer on The Bus! - The Kersal Massive (2007)
Spittin Rhymes In Dem Tree House - The Kersal Massive (2009)
Cap Gun Killers (Featuring Rihanna) - The Kersal Massive (2009)
Dem Back Seat Hose....Pipe (Featuring Dr Dre) - The Kersal Massive (2009)
Joke Shop Saturday! - The Kershal Massive {2009}
9 O'clock Bedtime Can Go Fuck Itself - The Kersal Massive (2009)
Blaze Me One "O" Dem Chocolate Ciggys Yo - The Kersal Massive (2010)
2 Grams Of Parsley And An Ounce Of Basil - The Kersal Massive (2010)
50p Mix A Reefer And A Twix...REMIX (Featuring Lil Jon) - The Kersal Massive (2010)
A RATA TAT TAT Goes My Spud Gun - The Kersal Massive (2011)
Hittin Dat Dole Fo Life Yo (Featuring Nelly) - The Kersal Massive (2011)
My Other Weelz Be A V6 Skoda - The Kersal Massive (2011)
Needles And Burnt Wet Pornos - The Kersal Massive (2011)
Media[edit | edit source]
Following the limited success of The Kersal Massives music career of which the gang still to this day has been a solid three men army, Ginger Joe took it upon himself to launch the crew into mainstream movies. Little Fucking Kev stated he would only do films that he could relate to, so as a result an offer with 20th Century Fox had to be declined. This kept the trio to straight to dvd movies on limited budgets funded by C Macks salary he had received for his roles in Sesame Street. The Jim Henson production company had to let C Mack go on grounds of excessive swearing, reading and spelling issues and speaking in pigeon english.
Movies
The Kersal Massive VS Preditor (2009)Remake
Pimpin with ma bitches and some hose - Starring C Mack, a hose pipe and three female dogs. (excercise dvd) (2009)
White Men Can't Rap (2010)
"Scooby Doo And The Funny Little ASBOS" (2010)
"The 20 year old virgin" (2010)
Tactics Applied Elsewhere in the World[edit | edit source]
So successful have the Kersal Massive's campaign of terror been that their tactics have been employed by a number of unlikely organisations to further their own agendas.
Gordon Brown[edit | edit source]
Got the job of British prime minister
Put the election, in the corner
Low polls, would have lost in the vote,
In the 06 New Labour election manifesto
Watch how we spin with the media polls
Down we go, BBC we do them interviews
We got the policies cos we steal from the Tories.
Yeah that's the fuckin' other one
We don't fuck about, David Cameron ain't got shit on us
Tell em how the fuck it is Alistair
-Temporary housing downturn man-
Nick Clegg can go fuck that shit,
Yeah cos we know how to govern`
Labour, you know that
Fuck, Fuck!
The Park[edit | edit source]
Got to the park with my three year old daughter
Bought an ice-cream from the shop on the corner,
Played tig, got a can of coke
In the new self-service café by the lakeside
See how we enjoy a family day out
Along we go,
On for a walk, we do them trails,
We got the spare time, cos we know how to bond
Yeah that the fucking other one,
We don't fuck about, watching TV ain't got shit on us
Tell em how the fuck it is darling,
-we're playing in the park man-
Spending time indoors can go fuck that shit
Yeah cos we know how to bond
A walk by the lake, you know that!
Duck, Geese!
GCSE Exam Board[edit | edit source]
Got in the hall for my exam paper,
Put me pencil in the corner
Turn over, write your name in bold
In the AQA double science examination
See how we pass with the revision school notes.
Up we go, GCSE we do them tests,
We got the good grades cos we know how to revise,
Yeah that's the fuckin' other one
We don't fuck about, A levels ain't got shit on us
Tell em how the fuck it is Sir
-Show your working man-
Truancy can go fuck that shit,
Yeah cos we know how to pass
Exams, you know that
Fuck, you may begin your exam!
Al-Qaida[edit | edit source]
Got on the plane for World Trade Centre
Killed the pilots with the box cutter
Flew low, hit Ground Zero
In the 767 Boeing Transatlantic Jet Plane
See how we role with the 72 virgins
On we go,
USA we do them Attacks,
We got the airplanes cos we know how to hijack.
Yeah that's the fucking other one,
We don't fuck about, Shi'a Islam hadn't got shit on us
Tell em how the fuck it is Yosef
-Allahu-Akbar man-
Shi'a Islam can go fuck that shit
Yeah cos we know how to pray
Al-Qaida you know that
Vietnam[edit | edit source]
Got on the roof with me grey snipa
Shot a farma drinkin Tropicana
Ammo Low, in da bush Camo
In the 1967 Army Hum-Vee We Go
See how we role with wit the flak vest yo,
Hit the floo,
[[U-S-M-C] we place dem traps,
We got the helicopters cos we sell dat crack. (See: Cocaine Cowboy Conspiracy)
Yeah that's the fucking other one,
We don't truck about, Ho Chi Minh hadn't got shit on us
Tell em how the fuck it is Soldier
-Hoo-rah Sergeant!-
I-raq can go fuck that shit
Yeah cos we know how to mistake,
Lyndon B Johnson, you know that
Fuck, Over and out.
Alternative Theories[edit | edit source]
Not everyone believes the Kersal Massive are as they appear. Many people suggest that their rapping skills could only belong to a dystopian world where hip hop has degenerated to such low quality shit. Such an age, they insist has not yet occurred in human history, giving rise to the belief that the Kersal Massive are time travellers, come to warn present day earthlings just how bad rap will get in the future. This is not a popular view as many people have pointed out that we already live in an age of Nelly, Jay Z and Dr Dre, thus opponents claim the Kersal Massive are not out of place in contemporary hip hop.
Believers in the time travel theory also cite the reference to the 05 V6 Clio Twin Turbo, which does not yet exist, to boost their claims that the Kersal Massive must come from the future. To substantiate these claims many independent journalists have ventured into Kersal to find out the truth. The first one to do this quickly became convinced that the time travel hypothesis was fucking stupid.
Organisation of the 2011 Riots in Manchester[edit | edit source]
Ginger Joe is widely acknowledged to have orchestrated the Manchester riots of summer 2011. His links with the London criminal underworld allowed Ginger Joe ample time to prepare. He incited a local Kersal Rabble to loot the centre of manchester. Parts of his instructions were recovered, reading
"Fackin Kickin off tonight in Manchester. Get smashed, get lashed, get yo cock in some gash. Loot da booty from foot locker, get dem new reeboks Xtreme classiks! Upset da system!"