Jon Kyl

Former Senator Jon Kyl (R-AZ) cheering after watching Clint Eastwood's "empty chair" speech at the 2012 Republican Convention.

This article is about the guy who tried to defund Planned Parenthood. For a U.S. Representative from Mississippi whose parents could spell, see John Kyle.

Jon Llewellyn Kyl (born April 25, 1942) is an awkwardly named former junior United States Senator from Arizona. He fought valiantly against Latinos, blacks, women, and other minorities while serving as the Minority Whip in the US Senate between December 2007 up to his retirement on January 2nd, 2013, because of some ill-conceived notion that minorities were to blame for all abortions.

In 2007, he was named by National Journal as the fourth-most psychotic U.S. Senator.

Early life and education

Jon Kyl was conceived in a Nebraska corn field by his father, his mother, and a half bottle of whiskey. He was then born prematurely in Oakland, Nebraska; due to his early birth, his brain never fully developed. When he was a schoolboy, Kyl's classmates composed a jingle for him:

Jon Kyl considered removing his "half-a-brain" to end the mocking, but he never could figure out how to open his cranium.

Half-a-brain, half-a-brain/ Jon can't spell his name

Jon's father, John Henry Kyl, heard the song and decided to move the family to Bloomfield, Iowa. Unfortunately, the children in Iowa were just as clever as the kids in Nebraska and the taunting continued. Because he couldn't stand hearing his son mocked every day, John Kyl became a Congressman and spent Jon's youth away in Washington, D.C.. After all, the younger Kyl's feelings weren't being hurt. He couldn't comprehend that he was being mocked.

It was not until 1960 when Jon began attending the University of Arizona that he realized that he was being ridiculed. Luckily for him, there was a fraternity - Pi Kappa Alpha - made up of idiot savants that welcomed Jon into their ranks.

After researching his condition, Jon deduced the cause of his birth defect may have been from a failed back-alley abortion attempt by his mother. This spawned a deep-seeded hatred of women and abortion. Jon devoted his life to ending abortion, among other conservative principles.

Now aware of his disability, Jon applied for and received thousands of dollars in federal student loans and began focusing on receiving a law degree, which he finally did in 1966. Immediately thereafter, Jon sued the federal government for entering a contract with a disabled person. Somehow, he won the case and never had to payback a penny of the student loans. Impressed by his successful frivolous lawsuit, the lobby group Jennings, Strouss & Salman hired Kyl. This was when Kyl moved to Phoenix, Arizona.

Kyl took a wife, Caryll Collins, and had sex twice, resulting in exactly two children. His children have since given birth to seven grandchildren.

U.S. House of Representatives

After a very lucrative career as a lobbyist, Kyl opted to run for Congress in 1986 himself, possibly out of frustration at President Ronald Reagan's refusal to ban abortion. The district chose to run in was Arizona's 4th district, notable as the only district in the nation with less than 1% Democrats registered. Despite this amazing lead in conservative supporters, Kyl only won his first election against Democrat Philip R. Davis by 64.5% to 35.5%.

The largest election victory Kyl ever had came two years later in 1988 when no Democrat ran against him. He acquired 87% of the vote. He managed to squeak by his Democratic challengers in 1990 and in 1992.

U.S. Senate

While in the House, he managed to be one of the many impertinent members. The House leadership refused to even take up one of his anti-abortion bills. This is why he ran for the Senate in 1994. His bid for Senate was successful because of his ineffectualness in the House. Arizona voters were unaware of Kyl's crusade against abortion.

His first term in the Senate was spent trying to impeach President Bill Clinton, as he was certain Bill must have forced Monica Lewinsky to have an abortion.

In 2000, Kyl ran yet again unopposed, but only garnered 79.3% of the vote. Arizona voters actually wrote in a variety of fictional characters instead of voting for Kyl. Bugs Bunny led in write-in votes with 7.8%. Daffy Duck also received 7.8% of the vote, with the remainder going to an array of others. In 2003, Kyl was appointed to be the Policy Committee chairman for the Republican Party, until 2007 when he replaced Senator Rick Santorum as the Republican Conference Chairman for a few weeks.

During his second term in the Senate, Kyl joined with Democratic Senator Dianne Feinstein to sponsor an amendment to the US Constitution to protect the rights of violent crime victims. It appeared the amendment would pass until Kyl entered a four-hour long harangue about how abortion was the most violent crime ever, thus obliterating any chance the amendment would pass. Kyl later stated, "I supported Senator Feinstein's amendment until I found out she was an abortionist female! Why doesn't she have more children?!"

Still, this behavior failed to detract from his support. Voters reasoned that every person engages in a mindless diatribe every now and then, and they were shocked Kyl didn't do so sooner. This, combined with $15 million from GOP backers, allowed him to narrowly beat a real estate developer in 2006.

Mere weeks passed with Kyl as the Conference Chairman before Mitch McConnell handpicked him to be the Minority Whip. This was the first time Jon Kyl had actual power.

Former Presidential candidate Bob Dole didn't know he'd be fucked by Jon Kyl until it was too late.

Senate Minority Whip

With this new position, Kyl began imposing a 60 vote limit on every bill. Any bill that did not have at least 60 votes would be filibustered immediately, no matter how inconsequential. Any protest about the constitutionality was ignored, and Kyl blasted those that pointed out it was the Vice President's role to break tied votes in the Senate as "anti-life abortion-lovers." None of the bills filibustered expanded abortion rights in any way whatsoever.

Jon Kyl led his party to unanimously vote against the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act in December 2009, a bill that expanded healthcare coverage to nearly all of the nation, lowered the price of prescription drugs, and banned insurance companies from denying coverage to people with pre-existing conditions, all because he said it funded abortions. His filibuster failed.

Kyl also attempted to defeat the passage of the New START arms control treaty via the same method of tying it to abortion. He yet again failed.

One of Kyl's last acts as Senator was voting against the UN Treaty Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities. Some media outlets say Kyl actually spat on the wheelchair-bound former Senator Bob Dole when he came to the Senate floor to support the treaty and told him to "stand up like a real man, ya lazy cripple!" Kyl proclaimed this to be his biggest accomplishment.

During the early hours of January 1st, 2013, Jon Kyl committed his final act as Senator: voting to raise taxes. He argued that higher taxes would cause "whores and harlots" to be unable to afford abortions. Fortunately, it was so early in the day nobody listened to what he said so his speech didn't kill the bill, unlike when he killed his and Diane Feinstein's amendment to protect violent crime victims.

Jon Kyl holding the letter he sent to CNN.

"Not intended to be a factual statement"

On April 8th, 2011, Jon Kyl made the most memorable speech in his life. He revealed, on the Senate floor, that performing abortions was "well over 90% of what Planned Parenthood does." Planned Parenthood responded by announcing less than 3% of its services involved abortion and more than 90% of their services were for contraceptives and STD and cancer testing and treatment. Jon Kyl then sent a letter to CNN saying,

“ Hah! My speech was not intended to be a factual statement! I just got those fools to admit to performing abortions; I win! Abortion is defeated!" ”

Despite this, the liberal media hounded Jon Kyl for being incorrect, but many came to Senator Kyl's defense. Most notably, two-time presidential and one-time senatorial candidate Stephen Colbert defended Jon Kyl: "You can't call him out for being wrong when he never intended to be right." Colbert then inspired an outpouring of support on Twitter with his "NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement" hashtag that trended for four score and seven years.

Retirement

After his departure from the Senate on Jan. 2nd, 2013, nobody expected to hear from Jon Kyl again, but he announced he would be open to being the Republican's Vice President candidate in 2016 because he was sick of the "gay-loving abortionists" holding such a high-ranking office. "Al, Dick, and Joe can go fuck themselves; damn homos!"

Eventual Republican president Donald Trump never considered Kyl for the role as his running mate. It is quite likely Trump never heard of Jon Kyl.

Ever since Jon's retirement from the Senate, not much has happened in Kyl's life. Oh, he did return to the Senate for a quick jaunt in 2018 as a temporary worker until the vacancy opened up by John McCain's departure could be filled, but the person who replaced him was utter deranged, and frankly, this whole time period isn't worth remembering. Sometimes, it is best to just leave the past in the past and not remember any of it. Luckily for Jon, he only has half a brain and has already forgotten the whole mess ever occurred.

Appendix

This isn't a picture of Jon Kyl. What is the point of having this here?