John Q. Public
“Where have I seen this guy before?”
“I HATE John Q. Public!!”
St. John Q. Public, International Man of Mystery, is a spy, assassin, double agent and reclusive criminal, as well as a possible cult leader or working to serve a greater conspiracy. For the last hundred years or so, Public has been Enemy #1 to the United States government, as well as the world, the moon, Middle Earth, Krypton, Narnia and Hell. Some claim he is a heroic Robin Hood-type character working for the poor and hobos by fighting against unfair rulers and heavy taxes, others say that he is a nefariously evil terrorist linked to all major bad guys. Only one thing is known for sure: He must be stopped. Also, he is a Vulcan.
'The Known Facts[edit | edit source]
St. John Q. Public was born John Quail Public in Anyplace, U.S.A., on November 5th, 1953 to distinguished war veteran General Public and his lovely wife, Maria Public-Nudity. Growing up, young John was said to be in the spitting image of his father (see photo below).
John attended Cornell University, and studied for several possible blue-collar jobs, including pimp, data processor, insurance salesman and janitor, before meeting his wife Jane Q. Public. They married and had two a daughter, Jen Eric Public, and a son, Stan Dard Public. Shortly thereafter John dropped out of college, and he and his family disappeared from official record altogether.
Why? Nobody knows. The common theory is that he one day ran into his closest friend, John Doe, who convinced him to embark on a life of crime. This theory is supported by the fact that both of them have been seen together frequently. Either way, details after that point are somewhat hazy. John Q. Public has been suspected of having a hand in many activities, although not much has ever been proven. Since then, the only times he has ever been seen are when he is hanging around in public, stalking random people or plotting some evil nefarious scheme. He is wanted in every state and country
Criminal Activities[edit | edit source]
A known Communist, today John Q. Public is a powerful crime lord with influence virtually everywhere. It has been theorized that he was responsible for getting just about every U.S. President elected (except for George W. Bush). His other achievements include:
- Winning every war in history almost single-handedly.
- The French Revolution.
- The disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa.
- The invention of the wheel.
- The birth of mankind.
- The Chernobyl incident.
- The sinking of the Titanic.
- The assassination of John Kennedy.
He is known all over the world and many people fear and admire him. In Rome, gladiator battles were often staged solely for the purpose of entertaining John Q. Public. His aliases include John Q. Citizen and John Q. Taxpayer (although he very rarely pays taxes). John's best friends include Waldo, John Doe, The Invisible Man, This Guy, That Guy, Me and You.
Other Aliases[edit | edit source]
- Joe Bloggs: On May, 1, 2001, a student answering only to the name of Joseph "Joe" Bloggs took the SAT aptitude test at Yale University and left shortly thereafter. Much later, the teacher grading it gave the student an "A-plus-plus-plus-plus-plus-plus-plus-plus-plus...", and, after realizing the test deserved infinity plusses and that the taker was the smartest person on Earth, the teacher went insane. At the discovery of such a high test score, there was worldspread chaos: stock markets crashed, Martians invaded the Earth and people went wild in the streets. By the time order was restored, a million people had died, and in the confusion Hurricane Katrina had occurred and Arnold Schwarzenegger had actually gotten elected Governer of California. Joe Bloggs was never seen again, and is believed to, in fact, be John Q. Public in disguise (others believe that he is Oscar Wilde, Michael Jackson or Dr. Evil).
- Tommy Atkins
- Joe Shmoe: A mysterious Jew who looks just like John Q. Public.
- Joe Blow: Supposedly the inventor of the blowjob.
- Joe Six-Pack: Supposedly the inventor of the six-pack.
Enemies[edit | edit source]
- George Dubya Bush.
- Dick Cheney.
- Michael Jackson.
- Your Mom.
- Colonel Sanders.
- Pamela Anderson.
- Saddam Hussein.
- Bin Laden.
- Satan.
The list is ever growing, and it's usually safe to assume that he could set his eye on anyone at any moment. In fact, he might just be gunning... for YOU!