Jimmy Hill
“In Soviet Russia, Jimmy Hill DOESN'T have the biggest chin in the world ever!!”
“JIMMMAYYYYY!!”
“Jimmy Hill is a Thief and an Impostor; DO NOT BUY HIS IMPOSTOR SONICHU CRAP!”
Jimmy 'Jimmy Hill' Hill (born 22 July 1928) is an enormous chin attached to a puny old man's body. He is the father of Harry Hill, and one of the world's oldest living humans at the ripe old age of 784.
In his spare time he is a football pundit or something ... but most people know him because of his abnormally huge chin, which apparently came about as a result of cosmetic surgery gone horribly, horribly wrong, when he asked his doctor to give him 'an extra couple of inches'. However he forgot to say which part of the body he was talking about, and as a result the clueless surgeons, put it in completely the wrong place. But Jimmy took it all on the chin.
His long-time arch-enemy is Bruce Forsyth who accuses him of 'copying his style' and they have been at war for many years, culminating in several pay-per-view chinfights which have been watched by trillions around the world.
Chin[edit | edit source]
Jimmy Hill's chin is so big that it deserves a section all of its own. It is the largest object in the known universe, and dwarfs Hill's body by comparison. Even Jay Leno was forced to exclaim 'Look at the size of THAT Mutha!!'
Throughout the ages it has been used for a variety of different purposes, including a dinner table, an aeroplane landing strip, and the venue of the 2042 Olympic Games. However it has not been without its drawbacks, and Jimmy has certainly encountered his fair share of trouble on many occasions after accidentally striking other people and sometimes knocking them down with it. He has since learnt to turn his head very slowly when he is in a crowded room.
In the Middle Ages, there was a rumour going round the internet that if you stroked Jimmy's chin in a seductive way three times, while exclaiming 'By the power of Jimmy!!' at the top of your voice, he would grant you three wishes. However this was proven to be a load of crap when nothing actually ever happened and Jimmy was getting so fed up with random peasants coming up to him and stroking his face that he was forced to admit 'my chin is not the answer to your problems, OK?!?'. He ended up killing them all and raping the corpses.
Said chin has gathered a number of fans of its own as Jimmy's life has gone on, and many have sought to emulate such magnificent facial artistry for themselves. If you so desire, you can now get your very own "Jimmy Hill's Mighty Chin (tm)" and stroke it passionately to your heart's content.
Career[edit | edit source]
As mentioned earlier apparently he was a football pundit or whatever (that's what some bloke told me anyway), but personally I think that's a load of BS. He is best known for appearing on the kids TV programme Snatch of The Day with Gary 'I still haven't started puberty yet' Lineker and known seducer of grannies and corpses, Des '70's Porn Star' Lynam. This programme would involve them basically going around secretly photographing ladies' private areas and then arguing over which one was the best they had seen that day.
Jimmy once tried to bring out his own clothing line, 'Jimmy Hillfiger'. However it proved to be unsuccessful with punters as the name resembled an already-existing brand too closely and was a poor imitation (although I forget the name).
Sonichu[edit | edit source]
Jimmy Hill is the true and original creator of Sonichu. What started as a mere series of comic books about the misadventures of an electric hedgehog Pokemon later became a video game, a popular anime series in the UK, and a toy line that sold out the moment it hit stores. However in the mid 2000's, an overweight, self-proclaimed autistic manchild known as Christian Weston Chandler tried to plagiarize Jimmy's creation and claim that Jimmy himself was plagiarizing Sonichu from Chris. However, this did not affect Mr. Hill in the slightest as Chris's plagiarized versions of the Sonichu comic were so poorly drawn, that most intelligent people could easily tell that they were poorly done fakes.
Facts[edit | edit source]
Sadly for poor Jimbo, he is unable to ever provide a lady with tongue love due to the immense distances involved between his mouth and the end of his face. Even more tragically, this also prevents him from ever performing the no.1 love of his life - rimming.
He once got Alan Hansen in a headlock for 45 minutes, when Hansen made the foolish error of making a 'why the long face?' joke in the BBC canteen. Hill was furious and performed the wrestling manoeuvre on Hansen in front of a room of startled BBC staff. Hansen's face went all red and Jimmy forced him to say I'm sorry Mr Hill sir!! You don't have a long face and I bow down to you like a big girl. He also gave him a Yoga Noogie on his head.
His motto is 'chin up'.
Pretty much everyone Jimmy knows has slept with his wife (unbeknown to him, of course). In particular Des Lynam, who at one point was having up to 3 sessions a day with Mrs Hill (in the ad breaks of Match of the Day he would sneak off, saying 'he's just popping to the shops'.. poor Jimbo never suspected a thing).
His skin is made entirely from leather.
According to his current profile on Match.com, Jim likes 'romantic walks along the seafront by moonlight, sipping fine wine while admiring the beauty of an evening sunset, and all the wonderful things in life that money can't buy. Oh, and bludgeoning prostitutes to death with a hammer'.
Hill was arrested in 1995 in connection with the attempted man rape of Trevor Brooking in Battersea Car Park (Paul Gascoigne saw it while he was having a piss). He would have gone to prison, but because of the size of his face they were unable to find a cell big enough for him anywhere in the world and so he still walks free.
In the film Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers, look closely at the scene where the bastard orc horde are trying to batter the castle gates down with a battering ram - the battering ram is in fact Jimmy's chin.
Tragically Jim was recently hospitalised, due to a recent incident where he was eating his Rice Krispies and accidentally stabbed himself in the eye 88 times.
His hobbies include breathing, watching paint dry, and beating the crap out of Gary Lineker. The other day he had a wank.