Hittites

“The Hittite are a dangerous folk. Never again should they be allowed the commit a hologram against the Jews.”

~ George W Bush on Hittites

Nobody's Business But the Turks

Turkic States	Turkey - Azerbaijan - Cyprus - Kazakhstan - Kyrgyzstan - Uzbekistan - Turkmenistan
People & Places	Istanbul not Constantinople - Gheorghe Hagi - Recep Tayyip Erdoğan
History of Anatolia	Armenian Genocide - Fall of Constantinople - Ottoman Empire

Hittites are the civilization you require to quickly wipe out the enemy in Age of Empires, but are an otherwise crap civilisation: no boats, composite bowmen, airborne David Bowie, etc. The well known recipe goes as follows.

1. Get to Iron Age
2. Train 200,000,000 Heavy Horse Archers
3. Kill all enemies
4. Turn all allies into enemies and then kill them too.
5. Kill yourself

The Hittites were an Indo- Europeano- Semitico- Africano- Asiano- Americano- Latino- Tsakpino people who lived in the sometime or other century BC. It is believed that they had a striking resemblance to Mr T (see picture).

Military offenses

A Hittite stone carving depicting the sacking of Babylon.

Hittites are an old bunch of idiots who hit people, thus spawned the name:Hittites.

Hittite military strength was mocked by the Babylonian king Rabbi Hammu (also known as Hammurabi), an ancestor of Saddam Hussein, who in 1607.352 BC used the epic phrase "Hittites Smittites!". The Hittites found the phrase mildly offensive and decided to sack Babylon, for fun. The last words of Rabbi Hammu before his defeat translate to "You always have to use those crappy horse archers...".

Unfortunately the Hittites did not learn from their conterparts, and King Mursuli II (known as Mursuli the Bully) decided to inscribe the words "Genghis Shmenghis" on tablets posted all around the empire walls. Twenty centuries later Ghenghis Kahn, a part-time Swedish archaeologist, but mainly a blood-hungry, hygene-deprived Mongolian leader, discovered these words inscribed in tablets around his newly established empire. Ghenghis Kahn was also a rabid homosexual who also enjoyed the close company of horses. He had his artists paint him in a variety of kama-surta sex positions with horses, monkeys, yak and once even a kangaroo which was brought to him, at his personal request, from what is now known as Australia.

He found this statement slightly inappropriate and thus went back in time to destroy the Hittites, just for fun. He brought along his hordetta, as there was no more room in the Delorean. His hordetta consisted of 12 Recorder players, which Ghenghis thought should suffice to wipe out an entire army. What Ghenghis Kahn didn't realise is that Mursuli the Bully was his great-great-great-great whatever. Once he realised (via acid flashback), he decided that his cognitive powers could not handle the basic time travel paradoxes introduced in every other Star Trek episode. He decided to stick to the conquest of space and leave the conquest of space AND time for a later occasion.

Hittite innovations

The Hittites reigned well; they were famous for some transvestite military oath of some sort, which confused their armies enough to keep them obedient. Beyond their dull passion for archery, the Hittites were an advanced civilisation consisting mainly of biochemical engineers who manufactured the disease Hepatitis, amongst others. Although not widely known, we have derived the suffixes -titis and -tites from the Hittites and not from the pompous big-headed Greeks or Geeks that have claimed all the geeky suffixes to be their own.

A well-rounded culture

The words tits and titees are also derived from the awe-struck-by-breast culture of the Hittites. In fact, the capital city of the Hittites was marked by the 100 foot tall golden statue of a giant breast, known as The Great Titee. It was erected, surprisingly, by the 20,000 eunuchs, as a symbol of femininity, fertility, firmity, rigidity, curvity, erectivity and Contemporary R&B. The Great Titee is believed to have possessed magic powers. The 20,000 eunuchs are famous for re-gaining their manhood following the construction of the monument.

Show us your maths

In this epic attempt, the Hittites invented parabolic and hyperbolic mathematics, the mathematics involved in approximating the shape of a breast. Though it is widely accepted that these mathematical contributions have been made by (surprise surprise) the Geeks, the Swedish Mathematician Decartes has discovered proof that the Hittites had used these mathematics before the Geeks. These are known as Titee sections and not Conic Sections as it is comonly believed. Herodotus, a Swedish historian, had spoken the words "If only I could change the seven wonders of the world to eight, that Hittitee titee would hold its place among them".

Remains of a sagging empire

The Great Titee remained erect, along with its followers, until the economic downfall of the Hittites, where the IMF and Lloyds bank decided to confiscate all their assets starting from The Great Titee. Fragments of the Titee have been found scattered around the world. It is believed that the most prestigious part was the nipple. The golden nipple is believed to be hidden in the depths of the Very-Dark-Blue-Practically-Black Sea. Alfred Nobel, a Swedish porn star, had promised to award the first Nobel prize in archaeology to the discoverer of the Golden Nipple. Many nipploholics, nipplomaniacs, nipple-fetishists and ordinary perverts have drowned in their search of it. There are some rumours that it is actually hidden in the Vatican, where pope sucks on it and it gives him those super cool powers.