Gary Numan

Gary Numan has something seriously wrong with his arse.

“A lot of people never really understood me back then. Looking back, even I can see I looked quite aloof and uncaring, kind of an arrogant wanker, to be honest. Then I read something online recently, about this social disorder called Asperger's Syndrome. Apparently, it deals a lot with not being able to carry on simple conversations or understand body language, but at the same time, you're a talented genius, so you're not a full-on autistic cunt. So I thought to myself, "Fuck, this is exactly what I am!" So I've decided I've had Asperger's this whole time”

– Gary Numan on diagnosing himself with Asperger's Syndrome

Gary Numan (born Gary Anthony Bartimaeus James Webb on 8 March 1958) is a legendary English singer, songwriter, Machman, Bee girl, and mainstreamed Nu metal, which combined Emo, a pile of automobile gears, and a big dollop of blueberry preserves. Yum!

The Complete and Fully Accurate History of Gary Numan

1970s

THIS IS STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARDUST!!!!!!

First off, Gary Newman was Gary Oldman, he then met a very powerful person called Gary slightlyusedman who changed him into Gary Newman and showed him the power of synthesis and weird hairstyles. After recording an album's worth of punky demos that The Jam didn't want, he was signed by Metropolis Records and quickly released two singles, neither of which charted nor mattered. Angered by his failure, he began to engineer the Tubeway Army. Most of the original machines Numan constructed were known as Bombers, and years later he was known for producing the Rape Machine. The things they do you wouldn't believe, and were often performed in parks and could be clearly seen from the restaurants such as Zom Zom's. While Numan produced many machines there exists an even greater number of replicas of his work, such as the Reznor, the Manson and Ultravox.

In 1979 Numan began research in the science of dystopia and developed the now common sound virus, The Pleasure Principle, which infected millions of impressionable young people during the last part of the twentieth century. Unfortunately The Pleasure Principle was met with much controversy, particularly from Goblin Pirate King David Bowie who sensed a threat to his global dominance in the field of plagiarism. During a rally conducted by Bowie in which Numan was attending, Bowie spotted and promptly ejaculated on Numan, mesmerised him and went so far as to confine him to a Chevy Corvette. With all the doors locked, it appeared as though this was the only way for him to live. Numan later claims that during his confinement he could "only receive", whatever that means. I guess he only stayed stable for a few days, before the "image broke down" and he escaped or something? I don't know, this is what he told me and an old hotel bellboy, admitting in floods of tears that Leo Sayer still hunted him like a cat hunting a sparrow with one working wing.

Wait, what!?

1980s

Looking eerily like an inverted Smurf in his white make-up and blue hair, Numan went back in time and killed Stalin by poisoning him with hair dye.

During his time locked in his Corvette, Numan began to replace his dying organs with car parts. When he finally emerged, Gary Tony James Webb Adam Clemency Glitter had been reborn as the legendary Machman, Gary Numan. It was during this time Gary Numan was at his coolest, though he remains to this day at a level of 'pretty freakin cool'.

Numan's time in the car resulted in certain accidental superpowers (covered more fully at the bottom of the article). These came to light on August 15, 1980, when Numan's inquisitive, uncertain head appeared over the residents of a small town in Kansas during a windless night. In a shaky voice, Numan asked the shocked residents below if they had any onion-flavored potato crisps. They responded by shouting "Who the fuck are you?!", to which Numan awkwardly apologized, noting that he thought he had seen some and just wanted to pop in for a look. His head then vanished, but photographic evidence of the appearance was later used for the cover of the album Telekon.

In 1984 Gary Numan went berserk over the chart placement of his previous Rob Halford tribute album Warriors and decided to drastically change his look. Dying his hair blue, and bathing in white paint every morning, Numan traveled around the world systematically stealing elementary school children's lunch money to help operate his struggling car dealership located in Iceland.

It was during this time Numan discovered 2% of his genetic makeup derived from that of Stalin. He set out to travel back in time to kill Stalin, however when he did this he really created a second dimension like in Dragon Ball Z where his interference resulted in the Perfect Cell story arc that consisted of 27 episodes of grunting and woop shooping, but was only half as long as the Freiza story arc but somehow equally unbearable. Eventually Gary Numan cut his hair and returned to his dimension where he ignored the fact that Stalin was already dead by this time and killed him anyways. The final result was Gary Numan's body rejecting Stalin's genes, which unfortunately were located entirely in his scalp causing 20% of his hair to immediately fall out. Some theorize that this entire story never really happened, and the hair dye he used caused him to go on an acid trip and shed hair frantically, whatever. I have the funimation dub on DVD anyways. Others insist on the truth of this incident, and say the Stalin DNA clearly left Numan's body and lodged in his career, which has been Stalin' ever since.

Numan soon filed for an autopsy, or was it a bankruptcy, quoting "L-o-l-o-l i live in my car, in cars da dum tee dum, da dum tee dum." Desperately poor, he nevertheless knew the value of a positive mental attitude and asked strangers to remind him to smile.

1990s

By 1992, Gary was balding, had amassed a collection of 9 Prince albums, and had a slew of music critics making fun of his dorky leather jackets, before filing bankruptcy for the 4th time. It was at this point he met his future wife, Gemma Craven -- a former Frazer Hines floozie -- who went into detail about how horrible his recent music had become. Gary, realizing he'd been acting a wanker, sat down and decided to write a new album full of songs about how much God sucks. A few years later, he wrote another album about angels giving Jesus' mother Mary the "how's your father". Both albums became instant hits with goth teenagers whose goth parents listened to Numan's older work years ago. This resulted in Gary's second new dimension, wherein teenagers actually get along with their parents and eat dinner at the kitchen table. Also governor Jennifer Granholm of Michigan is president and 9/11 never happened until the 12th, a lot of people still died and plenty of lulzy memes were made.

Eventually Nick Fox, Marilyn Manson and Trent Reznor praised Gary, and as a result, dozens of nobody techno artists remixed his older songs. The results were released by Buggers Bumfest as Rancid 1-20, a not-so-limited set of 10x12" singles pressed on dull grey vinyl although a previously unheard-of bright pink pressing recently turned up on eBay and was snapped up by Connie Ronplexoid. The mixes were later compiled onto a single CD: Rancid 2.0 which came housed in a special sleeve made out of genuine 1980s tracing-paper (or bog-roll; we're not sure). Gary spent the rest of the decade as "DiseedRelgnLuve88" on AOL message boards quoting "who the fuck uses AOL message boards?"

In 1994 Gary released the single: "Like a Refugee" alongside annoying-repetitive-wierd-robotlike-even-less-interesting-than-STOMP!-Italian drummers DaDaDang, which despite being completely un-Numanlike was actually a pretty catchy tune, then again he never wrote it himself. The video featured him pulling annoying stupid angry faces that made him look like he hated the world, or that he could win Third Place in a Billy Idol-inspired Lip-Curling Contest.

"The problem wasn't that I was pulling those faces and wearing those clothes, it was the fact that I had only just adopted that style. It was like a complete political illiterate reading one pamphlet about the Iraq war and then becoming a fully fledged anti-war protester. It's not impressive and everyone thinks you look like a dick," said Gary at an interview backstage at the Hammersmith Odeon, while his hand was stuck in one of those Pringles cylinders when he was reaching for the final crumbs. "Oh great, now my fingers are covered in vinegar, how the hell am I going to please Gemma tonight?" Gary added as he finally removed his hand from the impractically narrow cylinder.

2000s

Gary Numan's rebirth from wiggy's bum place.

At the turn of the millennium, Numan shocked fans again by making a new album about how much God sucks. He toured Europe for the album, and decided it would be best to release 5 live albums commemorating the event, giving them the titles Living Ornaments '01, Living Ornaments '02, Living Ornaments '02-1/2, Living Ornaments '03, Living Ornaments '0-pi, Dangling Male Ornaments, and Living Ornaments '03-'04.

At some point in-between the live albums, an up-and-coming Scottish rock star/lumberjack Rico met Numan while chopping trees, deciding to make the single "Crazier", proving to that Seal guy that they're gonna survive because they're not only getting a little crazy, but they're gothically hardcore enough to be even Crazier. Their single shot to #4 on the charts after Numan hacked the UK Charts, cleverly being modest enough to give himself #4, so no one would suspect.

He really, really looks that way.

In 2003, Gary was plotting to make an extended version of his album when a fan Instant Messaged him and told him he was greedy. As a result, he had a mental breakdown and rampaged through eBay auctions featuring bootleg Numan material. His fans soon began a rampage of their own while he slid into seclusion.

Also at this time the infamous"three in a bed with me, my mrs and another fan" story broke on Pop Bitch.

During his seclusion, many theories abound regarding exactly how Numan got his wife pregnant. Three times. It has been well documented that there were many efforts to get Emma impregnated and they all failed. Everything behind his sudden army of ravens, Persians, and echo teams is shrouded in sheer mystery, but word is that those screaming-whisper lyrics in the Rico co-produced song "Crazier" features a recipe for making children. To this day, no one except for Rico has been able to decipher what the hell is being said during that section of the song. When Rico confronted Numan about it, Numan just sang, "you're just boys, you don't what you've angered" before walking away. Rico screamed back, "I DON'T LIKE THIS NEW ANGER", prompting Numan to sing, "these young boys just make me laugh" on his way out. After he left, Rico deduced to himself that he was talking to the heart of the machine, and promptly left a note of resignation.

In 2006, he finally re-emerged from a dark place (see left) with a new album, Jaded featuring one new song and several different versions of it. Again, the lyrics were about how horrible God is, but now with a verse or two about how his fans have mentally scarred him. Following the release, he had another successful European tour, undoubtedly to be put on CD as Living Ornaments '06 along with an extended version of his latest album, by Christmastime 2006.

Noting the success of Jaded that Numan shared with his new co-producer Ade "Cool Ade" Fenton, he decided to not only leave his lumberjack friend Rico behind, but to silence him from telling others he once worked with him (and from spreading the vicious rumors of how he really got his wife pregnant), he delivered unto him an ironic death, complete with a chainsaw to the cranium. He was so pleased with the grisly death, he would continue using this talent for playing games online (see below).

Get used to this because it's the only fucking thing he ever does.

On January 12th, Gary bought an Xbox 360 and a copy of Gears of War. He regularly plays online and is a chainsaw whore and will fag-tag you if he gets any grenades, even the smoke ones. I've also seen him use the shotgun from 50 feet away and drop the hammer of dawn on himself. He'll always choose General RAAM as his character and will leave games if he gets stuck as a COG.

On Feb 4th Gary bought Call of Duty 4 and despite enjoying it to a great extent, he could not get past the third mission and constantly relied on Gemma to complete levels for him. Despite his inability to complete the game without the help of his (fucking stunning) wife, Gary regularly cooperated with Gemma in the Nazi Zombie special mode. Much to Gemma's dismay, Gary repeatedly ran to the other rooms in the first wave, bellowing "Leeeeeeee-ROY!", and removed all doors and barricades, resulting in a considerably higher number of zombies to arrive in the first wave than is usually necessary. As a result of this constant defiance of Gemma's wishes, the couple faced a trial separation which lasted for 2 weeks. Fortunately, the couple solved their differences through angry make-up sex to the erection-inducing rhythm of "Creatures". Although the couple have never played COD4 since then, Gary still had this to say: "I want to make this clear. Gemma is wrong when she says I don't know how the wave system works. I know full well that opening the barriers produces more zombies, and doing so earlier, creates more zombies than you'd normally expect to have to deal with in the earlier stages. But the other rooms hold better guns, and what a lot of people don't realise is that the earlier zombies that attack you actually take fewer bullets to die. So if you immediately jump into the second room, you're giving yourself access to a shotgun, which just knocks them straight down. Which gets you through the first five or so stages in a matter of minutes. And besides, so what if more zombies arrive earlier? The number of zombies shambling in doesn't CONTINUE to increase, the number stays the same, so by the time you're at, say, Wave 11, you're used to that amount of pressure. Not to mention the mystery box that the third room allows access to. You could get the Ray Gun in Wave 2 with my tactic, so it's a piece of piss for the rest of the game from then on. I've never got the Ray Gun though, but Gemma always gets it." Upon hearing this, Gemma (seriously, I would tap that) responded with: "Yer talking out of yer arse, love! Granted, the zombies at the earlier waves are easier to kill, but as a result they give you far fewer points! And by the time you've gathered enough points to access the box just ONCE, it will already be about Wave 6! Plus, you never know what gun you're going to get from the mystery box anyway, so not only does it take forever, but it's also a gamble. That's your problem, Gary! You're taking this huge risk simply to get your hands on a Ray Gun that might not even EVER appear! I want conservatism, Gary! I want some stability in this relationship!" In the heat of the moment, Gary responded with "OI, SLAG! This is what you are: purified, sanctified, SACRIFICED! THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE-!"

Since then, Geemmar (yes, me toos) has banished Gary to his bedroom with an old Nintendo GameBoy and a Tetris cart. However, Gemmmurr (hubba and indeed hubba) recently twitted that she found a Turrican cart hidden under his pillow and proper went mental and that. To teach him a lesson, she replaced the GameBoy with an Atari Lynx and really shit, like proper Poundshop, batteries.

2010s

Is this the real Gary Numan? According to our experts, probably not. Then again, our experts also moonlight as rape machines, so who are we to discredit?

As far back as November 2009, all attempts to contact Gary Numan have been met with silence. Rumors abound that he may have actually passed away at some point at the turn of the decade, and all instances of concert appearances, released music, and interviews are in fact being done by an impostor Gary Numan. Paul McCartney had this to say: "Well, I find this to be oddly similar to when The Be-" at which point he stopped himself, and with a wide-eyed stare, quipped, "Er... never mind."

Gamma (yeah, I guess so, but anime goth chicks aren't really my thing, sorry) has publicly stated such jarring changes in Numan's personal life, including casually wearing Trilby hats and blood-red bow ties around the house, attempting to call up Mick Karn, and openly cursing Bill Nelson's name. He was recently overheard by Kool-Ade Fenton as saying, "You know what this track needs? More Tessa Niles. Also, saxophone. Lots and lots of saxophone!" Fenton began to show worry when this man he now began to show doubt was Numan started to sample lines from Blade Runner. Kool-Ade and Jemma (I'm sure she's outrageous, but she's seriously not my type, guys) now believe that this impostor Numan is either an alien who has only now discovered Numan's mid-late 80s catalog of music, or perhaps, another Numan from an alternate dimension (who we will call Numan-A) who killed the Numan of our dimension (who we will call Numan-1) to take his place and escape a fate worse than Machine+Soul from whatever dimension it was he came from.

In 2017, Gary changed his name to Jerry, and released his first cookbook along with a CD of songs that he found in Trent Reznor's trash bin. The book, simply called "Sausage," is being promoted via a meet and greet cooking tour of fast food restaurants in Europe and the United States. To celebrate the book's publication, Jerry and his wife Gumma adopted a sausage and name it Kippy. Kippy was later eaten in a lavish ceremony involving lavash and creamery butter.

Alternate Numans

Numan's current status as of June 2011 is "missing", though believed to have been murdered and replaced by an alien Numan, or a Numan from an alternate universe, further evidence has risen that rips in the fabric of time and space located entirely within Numan's own kitchen have caused him and countless other alternate Numans to be shuffled into each others universes at random. You can spot these alternate Numans by their odd behaviors on stage when on tour, though Gem-gem and Kool-Ade will do their damnedest to insist it's the real Gary Numan from our universe.

• Alternate Numan #1 comes from a universe that is 25 years behind us, and refuses to believe that the album he's currently making, Strange Charm, has already been released 25 years ago and tanked miserably. He can be identified by his trying to sing New Thing From London Town to anyone who will listen, his obvious hair plugs, and trying to sign bands for Numa Records. This may have been the first alternate Numan encountered since the incidents began.
• Alternate Numan #2 comes from a universe that is 25 years in the future. He can be identified as older, grayer, rocking near-Nixon level jowls, and wondering where his daughters' all-girl gothrock band, The SpiderWebbs, are.
• Alternate Numan #3 comes from a universe where he never put on a retirement show and went on to massive fame, David Bowie frequently toured with him, and the press adored him. He can be identified by his wondering why Bowie isn't returning his calls, and why he is a married to an anime character instead of dating Katie Green.
• Alternate Numan #4 comes from a universe where he has accepted Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior. He can be identified by his absolutely mortified expressions when he reads the lyrics of his last few albums.
• Alternate Numan #5 comes from a universe where he decided to not try the Minimoog during the Tubeway Army studio sessions. He can be identified by his looking for Paul Gardiner, and asking why the hell Alan Moulder is opening for him instead of John Lydon.
• Alternate Numan #6 comes from a universe where he went crazy and became a serial killer after Beggar's Banquet nixed his debut album. Fueled by listening to what he could have been in our dimension, he can be identified by his shoving a running chainsaw through your skull while screaming, "HEY HEY HEEEEEEEEEEEEY I'VE GOT SOMETHIN' FOR YOOOOOOOOOOOOU!"

There are infinitely more alternate Numans that we have a possibility of encountering, and we'll stay on top of the list until we can get our Numan back and close the rift once and for all.

Personal life

Numan married his own fan belt. In 2003, his wife Emma mysteriously gave birth to their first super powered child, Raven of the Teen Titans; and again in 2005, when she bought Numan a copy of Prince of Persia; and once more in 2007, when she became a devoted fan of the Oklahoma-based Echo Moon string band.

Numan is also known for his fear of flying, and has built several aircraft, one of which he famously crashed into a passenger. This came shortly after successfully attempting a round-the-world with his yo-yo, during which he was briefly loved and received praise and showers of wonderful gifts from India and was never accused of spying, ever.

As an amusing footnote, Gary Numan is 13 ways cooler than Gary Coleman, due to his regular guest appearances in the short-lived Coleman/Mr T sitcom "Suck This, Sucker!" He is, however, only 1/16th as cool as Gary Oldman. Goths are cooler than salad dressing, I guess that means he's cooler than Paul Newman. Except that goths (especially middle-aged, secretly bald, freakity faced goths) are nowhere near as cool as salsa, so Paul Newman wins again! He is exactly 1,000 times cooler than Newman the Postman from Seinfeld, so it can be scientifically said that Newman the Postman equals one millinuman. Gary Numan is also known as 'Mistasax' and previously ran for President of the East Sussex County Council, despite still owing council tax on his recording shed.

Known Superpowers

Gary Numan can stop time.

For whatever reason, Gary Numan has acquired various Super Powers, most of which he does not have the legal right to have, and some of which have recently been under heavy dispute. They are as follows:

• Acting with reason and heart. Your heart.
• Admitting Wiggy is the dog's gonads (but keeping the supposedly discarded letter in a tiny pouch attached to his Prince Albert)
• Assassination
• Calling out the dogs
• Conversation
• Creating new songs while on the shitter
• Creating Tour merchandise while on the shitter
• Creating Tour merchandise out of shit
• Creating Volcanoes to get out of concerts in California.
• Criticizing Organized Religion at superhuman volumes in multiple media outlets simultaneously
• Diagnosing himself with Asperger's
• Emerging eerily at unexpected times
• Getting Emma pregnant. I can confirm this E. Borthwick.. Wigan
• Gniggolb
• Calls himself Michelle on his days off.
• Kicking Brian Johnson's ass at street racing (5.0 Brian? Try a 1754hp Formula FUCK YOU TO THE FACE BITCH!!)
• Mach speed
• Making himself appear as a suave, dangerous British spy to the Indian security agency, but only due to the funhouse-mirror distorting effect of the plexiglas windows of his plane
• Making traffic lights turn green by staring at them
• Making vending machines accept pennies
• Performing world tours with one night in Belgium
• Is a keen poster on AFENET under the nickname of Gregster, Knic
• Playing the fretless bass (hahaha PSYCH!)
• Playing the guitar (limited to only one chord)
• Playing the keyboard (limited to only one key)
• Playing the piano (just kidding)
• Randomly disconnecting users from the Internet
• Randomly resetting synth pre-sets (but that's okay as he invented synths anyway)
• Ruining your fun on Xbox Live
• Shooting that black lightning stuff that like, grabs things like rocks and smashes them
• Smacking up Rick & Paul but scared of Bruce Foxton
• Smacking up Keith Chegwin, but not Maggie Philbin
• Spontaneously sprouting indestructible bri-nylon tentacles from his scalp
• Stealing Kashmir (Rage Against The Machine is also said to have this power)
• Stopping time
• Super Speed
• Treading carefully
• Walking under water
• Walking with shadows

In contrast, he also displays an inability to breathe, and an inability to stop.

Singles

• Art 'Compatriots' Not Artificial? (1579)
• Jo The Investment Banker (with Tubeway Army) (1978)
• Being Fragile (1797)
• Get in My Car: Just Do It! (1979)
• And we will live, like Czars (1979)
• Down in That Place With Lotsa Trees (1979)
• I Dye : No Shit (1980)
• The Machinist (1981)
• That's It - I'm Leaving (1981)
• That's It - I'm Black (1982)
• Crashing planes (Southampton & India)
• Had To Sell My Cars (Feat. Robert Goulet on cowbell) (1985)
• This Anger (Feat. Tessa Niles) (1988)
• My New Zombie Lie (1989)
• Purple Rain (Feat. Kipper & Don Estelle) (1990)
• My New Religion Lie Extended (1990)
• Diseased Jesus (1994)
• Diseased Jesus Extended (1994)
• Diseased Jesus Crucifix Mix (1995)
• Shadow creepers (1998)
• Shadows Haunting Extended (1998)
• Diseased Jesus You Can't Hammer The Last Nail in Rick Mix (2000)
• God Cries (2006)
• Pee-yoo (2006)
• Wake Up! I'm Haunted by Kashmir (2006)
• Life Is Dull (feat. James Blunt) (2007)
• Buy This You Cunts (2007)
• Diseased Jesus Crucifix Mix Extended (2008)
• Splinter: This Damned Thing Really Hurts (2016)
• Sausage: Songs From Acid Reflux" (2018)
• So Very, Very Tired (2019)

Albums

• Year Zero (2007)
• Anger Heart New Blood (2009)
• This Is Gary Numan (2010) (including the tracks "This Is Love," "This Disease," "This Machine," "This is My Life," "This Wreckage," "This Is Emotion," "This Is My House," "This Prison Moon," "This Is New Love," "This Is Dominion Day," and "This is My Collaboration with Little Boots to Keep Me In the Public Eye.")
• Only I and Me (Coming on December 21, 2012) (including: "I Die, You Die," "I Assassin," "I Can't Stop," "I Nearly Married a Human," "I Sing Rain," "I Dream Of Wires," and "I'm an Agent." )
• Numanicus Roboticus {2078) The Centennial Collection (including only one new hit single: "Oh Fuck, I Awoke and Now I'm Just a Head in a Jar, Let Me Out Of Here You Cunts!")