Rob Halford
“He's gotten more pussy than any other fag in history... even me.”
Sir Robert Jeremy George Michael Lesley Susanne Michael Prometheus Halford III (born 1951) is a popular singer, songwriter, magician and car part salesman. He is definitely not gay.
Early Years[edit | edit source]
Halford was born the son of a virgin male, for God's intentions were for Halford to never touch female genitalia. However, he failed this on one drunken moment of madness in 1953. He will regret that night forever. In response to this, God vowed to never allow him into heaven, however, Bruce Dickinson, being a friend of Halford during his time with Maiden, convinced God to allow Halford access to heaven if he rejoined Judas Priest. At school Halford had a yellow lunchbox and once a seagull sat on his head for a period of time equal to that of pi.
Musical Career[edit | edit source]
Rob Halford has been acclaimed as the "Second Greatest Faggot in Rock" (after the late Freddie Mercury.) In the late 70's Halford auditioned to join the popular musical group The Village People, but when they turned him down he decided to make it his life work to build a time machine so that he could go back in time and kill The Village People before they could turn him down. In 2072 Halford will finish his time machine and went back 100 years, but by this time he had learned to forgive and forget, so he made a heavy metal band instead. 2 days later he had all the scientific knowledge, which he had gained in the succeeding 100 years, rammed out of him. The next day he had some crumpets.
Discography[edit | edit source]
- With Judas Priest:
- 1974 Rocka Rolla (it is presumed that the producer misunderstand Halford's yam-yam accent saying Rock & Roll, or Rocky Balboa)
- 1976 Macho Man (using his memory from the future to beat those gay assholes to fame)
- 1978 (Cum-) Stained Ass chunks
- 1979 Hell Bent for Mandela
- 1981 [Only two] Points of Entry [the way I like it!]
- 1982 Enough with the gay jokes alright! also named Screaming for Entrance, in certain places where Halford was popular.
- 1984 I love cock! (presumably due to the flop of his previous release)
- 1986 Dildo featuring the high succes single Rectum.
- 1988 Ram it in
Halford also featured as a backing singer in Elton John's chart-storming #47 single "Rocket Turbo Lover Man". You might also like to know that the man who played the triangle in that song was not in fact a professional triangle-player.
Halfords[edit | edit source]
Founded in 1882 - with his love of men and one-night stands never fonder, Halford decided he would make some profit out of it. So he tied them up, stole their cars and sold the parts. When this got too easy, he tackled tougher victims than horny gay men - children. From then on Halfords sold bicycles as well.
The Struggles of Rob Halford[edit | edit source]
After his bicycle business failed due to the fact it sold expatriot mexican immigrants in exchange for the tri force and power to rule Hyrule Halford looked to tackle the bigger issues of his life. This meant a climactic showdown with the Medusa at the Superbowl, being held in Eternia, with the winner achieving ownership of Halford's coveted waffle press. the press had grown close to Halford after it saved his life during both the Boar war and war of independence. the press had been trained in military combat by the guy from Starship Troopers, and thus was an incredibly shrewd tactican, often sacrificing ground on the battlefield in order to defeat the oracle from Halo 2 in a LAN game of CounterStrike. the Medusa had borrowed it shortly after her split with Abraham Lincoln, Halford had known at the time lending it to her would be a mistake he would rue, one that would eventually put the fate of all mankind in his hands. During the battle with Medusa, mooted to have lasted more than 700 years, Halford was aided by the returning French warrior Eric Cantona. Cantona was able to use his amazing charisma, for which he was initially banished from Eternia for using, after he had seduced Orko into performing lurid sex acts with him, to push the Medusa into the grasp of the waiting Halford who, with the power of the triforce, was able to banish his foe into the dungeons deep below castle greyskull. here the Medusa spent many, many centuries being abused in a sexual nature by both battlecat and beastman. the videos of these acts were directed by marlon wayans and released as part of a HBO series to mixed reviews. After his triumph Halford returned to Birmingham where he would turn his business enterprises into the operation of a Fresh Prince of Bel-Air themed amusement parlour. his close friendship with Arsenio Hall and Captain America did not pay dividends and the business closed quickly. it has recently been revealed that Halford, with the assistance of long tim friend Don Quixote, plans to play James Brown in the Martin Scorcese biopic of the singers life. the movie will reportedly revolve around how Brown, fighting alongside John Mcenroe and Bjorn Borg, was able to apply for a senior citizens discount at 7-11.