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The G3 war
Date: 1996-2018
Place: The world
Outcome: Satriani loses his shades, Vai loses his kidneys to Malmsteen (who eats them), Sardinas gets eaten by a cat while in Sardine form, Roth and Schenker get eaten by a Scorpion, Mr. Big fires Gilbert, Gibbons loses his beard to Vai in an interrogation, Johnson buys the pharmacy company Johnson & Johnson, Morse typed a hidden message, Lynch gets lynched by Schon, and Legg gets his kneecaps broken by Govan.
Satriani's Forces Vai's Forces Johnson's Forces Malmsteen's Forces
Joe Satriani (Some guy who became a guitar playing monk) Steve Vai (electric fan user who needed to get hair strands from a certain Swedish guy) Eric Johnson (Some guy from Austin who tosses people off the Cliffs of Dover) Yngwie Malmsteen (The Swed who lives in Florida and consumes Hamburgers and Swedish Pizzas)
Marco Ciaravolo (Totally a Descendant of Marco Polo), Robert Fripp (Some long-lasting member of a certain band that is a Jojo reference), Tony MacAlpine (Secretly a transformer who can transform into a tree), Chris Duarte (Some guy from Texas who is a sad punk), Andy Timmons (Who tf is he?), and Johnny A (brother of Johnny B. Goode). Paul Gilbert (His boss is Mr. Big), Uli Jon Roth (Was in Scorpions until he rode the Sails of Chairon), George Lynch (The guy who Lynched Don Dokken for using his named for his own band), Adrian Legg (He is only a pair of legs), Brian May (That guy from Queen named after a month), and Eric Sardinas (A superhero with the power to turn into sardines). Kenny Wayne Shepherd (Some crappy Stevie Ray Vaughan clone), Steve Morse (Whose native language is Morsecode), Gary Hoey (The guy who turned into Lita Ford's Gardening hoe), Alejandro Silva (He is secretly the Silver Surfer), Johnny Hiland (An actual blind person), and Keith More (There's more Keiths?). John Petrucci (The Malmsteer's dog who is also god), Billy Gibbons (The guy from ZZ Top with a beard), Steve Lukather (Some pup from the litter Toto created), Patrick Rondat (Some Frenchman who also plays Jazz. Dammit Joe, I thought rock guitarists only!), Neal Schon (Some guy that was in Carlos Santana's band until he decided "fuck it, I'm going on a Journey!"), Michael Schenker (Some idiot who got banned from his brother Rudolf's Minecraft server for saying the N-word, forcing him to get kicked from Scorpions.), and Guthrie Govan (Some guy who trained in the ways of Kung Fu in Asia).
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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about G3 (Tour).

The G3 war, also called the Guitarist Civil War, was a war not among countries, but among Guitarists. It started when Yngwie Malmsteen realized that rohypnol was in his burger. He then attacked Steve Vai, they were confronted at an event hosted by Joe Satriani. Joe wanted to intervene and stop the fight, but only escalated things as a random guy named Eric Johnson (don't know who the fuck this guy is) decided to turn it into a 4 way war.

Because of the chaos and death this war caused, many of our favorite guitarists have died due to the "total banger" the leftover audio created. We know why Malmsteen stopped eating the burger, we know why Vai put rohypnol in Yngwie's burger, we know why Satriani wanted to stop the two from fighting, but we have absolutely no fucking idea why Johnson thought that continuing the fight that Joe had tried to stop was a good idea. Fuck you, Eric. Fuck you.

The Build-up[edit]

"If Dimebag Darrell died during the events of this conflict, why isn't he a combatant?"

-Les Paul on the war.

The G3 Incident[edit]

Guitarist Joe Satriani begun to host an event known as the "G3 Extravaganza", where Guitarists were invited to play for fun (the reason behind the 3 is unknown, even to this day). Satriani, Steve Vai, and Yngwie Malmsteen were going to be the first 3 to play. Behind the scenes, however, Vai put rohypnol in Malmsteen's Big-Mac-Whopper. After taking a bite of his burger, Malmsteen then realized the taste of the rohypnol in his burger. He then grabbed his Guitar and found Vai, who he then smacked with his guitar in the face and then began to choke him.

Satriani then heard the groaning between both Malmsteen and Vai, and attempted to stop them from fighting. Then, the Clown-given-Mozart form Eric Johnson showed up out of nowhere, Judo-throwed Satriani, grabbed Malmsteen and ju-jitsu'd his left arm, and got Vai on his feet, before kicking him in the balls. Malmsteen then got up and decked Johnson in the face, giving him a taste of Malm Fu. It is unknown how the rest of the fight played out, but any possible outcome was bad.

"Why did you attack Steve?"



-A possible start of an argument between Joe and Yngwie after Yngwie decked Eric in the face.

The building of armies[edit]

After the date of the fight, the 4 used their musical talents to look for soldiers for their respective armies. In Yngwie's case, he steered clear of Dimebag Darrell, who wanted to give him Donuts, which Yngwie didn't need, ever. So he reached far beyond the sun and found his soldiers. Vai on the other hand, was praying and begging For the Love of God to send him troops. which God did. Satriani found cloned humans after getting abducted in the bahamas and spent some time surfing with the aliens. Johnson searched far and wide, and eventually found his troops past the Cliffs of Dover. Before we knew it, the war begun.

The War (The 90's, 1996-1999)[edit]

"Never in all my years did I think I'd be seeing a war between musicians."

-Oscar Wilde on the war.

"Yngwie Malmsteen got cucked at this point in time!"

-Captain Irrelevant on Yngwie Malmsteen.

During this point in the war, no one really died yet, due to the fact that everyone had a guitar and not an actual weapon (though if Ted Nugent was in this war, this would've ended faster).

1996: Surfing with the Idiots[edit]

During the battle of San Francisco, Vai's forces were going to intercept Johnson's forces, who were on the way to get to Vai's house to destroy his Beehives. This attempt was unsuccessful however, as a strike team (composing of Paul Gilbert, Brian May, and Adrian Legg) did reconnaissance on Johnson's forces, leading Vai to retaliate by bringing George Lynch, Eric Sardinas, and Uli Jon Roth.

There was a 3v3 Skirmish in Dallas between Malmsteen, Michael Schenker, John Petrucci, Satriani, Robert Fripp, and Chris Duarte. Because of Duarte's knowledge of the layout of Dallas, Satriani's forces were able to score a victory against Malmsteen's Forces.

1997: Rising Farce[edit]

Joe Satriani started a conquest of Quebec, however this was halted by Kenny Wayne Shepard (by himself, surprisingly). Marco Ciaravolo had his legs broken down to the bone, and was put into a wheelchair and unable to fight until 2000.

1998: Mr. Pennywise (Tim Curry Version)[edit]

Patrick Rondat and Brian May have a fight over a baguette in France. Rondat flees with the Baguette. He then convinces Yngwie Malmsteen to eat the baguette.

1999: My Guitar wants to eat your sandwich[edit]

Nothing happened and they all went on vacation.

The War (The 2000's)[edit]

2000: The death of Nu-Metal[edit]

During the battle of Kuala Lumper, Eric Sardinas kills Andy Timmons.

2001-02: Flying in a Fever Dream[edit]

Satriani, Vai, and John Petrucci battle each other through North America, no one wins.

2003: The Uncyclopedia Potato-Head Disco object[edit]

Petrucci gets tired and Malmsteen replaces him. Satriani realizes that he forgot his shades at home. Vai and Malmsteen have a toy lightsaber fight in a Walmart. Again, no one wins.

2004: For the love of God (WHAT IS HAPPENING???)[edit]

Sardinas gets eaten by a cat while in sardine form hiding from Johnny Hiland (Which was actually very easy, because Hiland's blind. Seriously why did Sardinas do that?). Vai calls upon the powers of God and annihilates Johnny A, Alejandro Silva, and Chris Duarte (And oddly enough, Dimebag "Dimmsdale Dimmadome" Darrell, who had nothing to do with the war). Vai lost most of his hair and ordered Brian May and Paul Gilbert to capture Yngwie Malmsteen (Who was in a Cheeseburger Meditation stasis). They instead captured Billy Gibbons which awoken and angered Malmsteen. Vai thought that was good enough and tortured Gibbons by feeding him the fucking rohypnol burgers.

2005: Far beyond idiocy[edit]

Malmsteen rescues Gibbons after stealing Vai's kidneys (and eating them). Uli Jon Roth and Michael Schenker get eaten by a Scorpion, Mr. Big fires Paul Gilbert, Eric Johnson buys the pharmacy company Johnson & Johnson, Steve Morse typed a hidden message (which stated that he left the war and continued playing with Deep Purple, George Lynch gets lynched by Neal Schon, and Adrian Legg gets his kneecaps broken by Guthrie Govan (who recently mixed his kung fu with Malmsteen's Malm Fu. War unofficially ends until 2018 where they announced that the war was over officially.

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