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A common Freshie

“Crap! Not these douches again!”

~ A Jock on Freshies

“Hey, profanity is a blasphemy to god!”

~ A Freshie on above Jock's comment

“Hell, what's with the shit coming out of your fucking damn-ass mouth, bitch?!”

~ Same Jock on above Freshie's comment

Freshies, or known for the scientific name of 'hieshcoolis noobis', is a species of n00b most commonly found in a high school, at Jonas Brothers concerts, and in those giant-sized hamster tubes of Chuck E. Cheese's. As the name 'Freshie' suggests, they serve as fresh meat for the higher members on the food chain, who are often sick of the McDonald's-grade 'beef' of the similar species known as sophomores (hieshcoolis doucheis). Freshies are most known for their total social ineptivity, making them prime targets of predators, most notably the Jock (homo jockus), the goth (hotis topicus), and the occasional goat (oatgay iglatinpay).

Every year between June and September, there is a massive migration of Freshies from the disgusting and bathroom humour-infested island of Middle School (belived to be located somewhere between Hell and New Jersey) to the drugs and teen pregnancy-ridden land of High School (a plot of land between California and Mexico). Upon their arrival, the combination of a new environment and their blatant idiocy makes them easily targeted as prey. As means of combating this, they have used tactics that are likewise compared to supreme douchebaggary.


Under the main species of Freshie, there are four distinct subcategories, each with their own repulsive qualities. They are as follows:

  • Preps (noobis-lolztus): This group is primarily inhabited by females, and occasionally the sexually-questionable male. They are easily identified by their eraser-pink wardrobe, blonde hair, and the lack of any developing breasts. They are highly unintelligent, due to to the constant exposure to mind-liquefying radiation given off by their cell phones. Because of this stupidity, they are almost always seen in a group. It has also been discovered that a normal person's own intelligence is directly proportional to the number of preps within the person's general area. For instance, during testing if a person is situated next to one (1) prep, his scores will decrease by an average of 12 points, due to the radiating mental retardation from the prep. However, when the same person is subjugated to a shitload (2+) of preps, his intelligence drops to the level of an onion. To assist their mind-numbing powers, they have also developed their own personal language, which has been known to baffle linguists and Britons alike. Some words that have developed are 'Lolz' (rhymes with 'blows', used to describe their shrill obnoxious laugh, even when not laughing), 'like' (placed in front of every single word) 'Ohmigod' (said as one word, used to describe a discovery), and 'hawt' (Used to describe anything Jonas Brother, Robert Pattison, or Daniel Radcliffe-related)
  • Douches (noobis-obnoxious): The predominant male classification, Freshies in this category are noted to be the most offensive. Because of the predetermined inferiority of their group, members often think that if they attack the older and tougher creatures in their region, they would become the superior. This can be likened to the behavior of a small Chihuahua, which are known to bark repeatedly at their superior until they are given a swift kick, sending them flying across the room. Similarly, Freshies often attack the elders with poor insults and bad 'Yo Mama' jokes. Often when this tactic is used, the 'victim' is quick to deal out a real insult, resulting in the Freshie responding with 'You're gay'. Douches are often spotted around drinking fountains for some reason, as scientists believe the rust and chlorine-filled water is the result of their douche-y nature.
  • Geeks (noobis-runeskahpayis): The easiest prey among the Freshies, and also the most-unliked. They are identified by their undeveloped interests, as light-up sneakers and roller backpacks are common. Their means of entertainment centers around television shows like SpongeBob, and they also known to be the only group to actually LIKE the Star Wars prequel-trilogy. They are extremely naive, and they are easily tricked into becoming slaves. They are also easily susceptible to abuse, as they make prime punching bags and those bristly-tipped stick things you use to clean the toilet. Fortunately, they are easily avoided due to the fact that their only stomping grounds are the n00b-infested 'realms' of the online time-sucking monstrosity known as RuneScape.

Preventative Measures[edit]

An example of what a swirlie victim's hair should look like.

Due to the influx of overwhelming Freshies, the Freshie Ultimate Controlled Killing (F.U.C.K.) group has declared the months of September to June to be the open season for hunting and eliminating Freshies. During this time, all higher species are fully permitted to hunt and slaughter/maim an unlimited amount of Freshies at their expense. While participants may deal with these nuisances in any way they feel like (a burlap sack and a long car ride is always preferred), F.U.C.K. has also released a list of recommended ways of disposal. They are as follows:

  • Swirlie: This method is commonly used to give the Freshie target an undesirable hair style through application of a plumbing apparatus. The superior would proceed by inverting his prey above a latrine, lowering the victim's cranium into the device, and then activate it. The swirling fluids will then commence in rearranging the Freshie's hair into the unmistakable 'soft-serve ice cream' shape. Inclusion of bodily wastes in the cesspool prior to the Freshie's immersal have been known to greatly enhance the effectiveness of the swirlie.
  • Takin' Out the Trash: Similar to the swirlie (see above), this method involves lowering a Freshie's inverted body into a waste receptacle. However, once immersed, it is common practice to leave said Freshie in the container, as being inverted makes it nearly impossible for escape, thus prolonging the Freshie's discomfort. Placing the Freshie into certain bins is key; the cafeteria bins just after lunch is among the best locations, as the bins are often filled with mashed potatoes, pasta sauce, and other Freshies.
  • Freshie Ping-Pong: This method requires the help of a friend. After seeking out a target Freshie, the two shall position each other on opposite sides of the victim. Then one will begin by pushing the Freshie forcefully towards his partner, who in turn would shove the Freshie back towards the first person. Lather, rinse, and repeat. If done correctly, the Freshie will remain stuck in the shoving match completely helpless.
  • Wedgie: The most classic of attacks; one would simply sneak up to an unsuspecting Freshie, reach down the backside of his pants (this is crucial, as going in through the front will in turn backfire apon the applicant, thus condemning him to a fate of having his sexuality questioned), obtaining a firm grasp on the Freshie's undergarments, and then forcibly pulling them out of the pants. This action would in turn cause the underpants to tighten around the victim's gonads, causing much discomfort. For further torture, suspend the wedgie victim by the exposed undergarments, thus prolonging his pain and humiliation. Any firmly secured item will do for suspending; but coat hangers, ceiling fans, and elephant's tusks are highly recommended.
  • Running of the Bulls: This is a very good way to rid the hallways of Freshies. It can be observed that the Freshman wing is often the most crowded, and one's attempt to transverse this hall would usually take a good amount of time. Earlier attempts of shortening commute time consisted of forcefully shoving oneself through the throngs of clustered Freshies. However, another method has been discovered. Simply gain control of a common steer (this is easy to do for those enrolled in an agricultural high school, any school in Kentucky, or just plain old anywhere in Mexico), anger the animal by poking it with a stick or not letting it go on bathroom breaks, and then release the maddened bull in the hallway. In a fit of rage, the creature would plow down the corridor bulldozing anything in its way, in this case Freshies, thus opening up a wide lane for one to travel down. Just a warning: There is a chance that some collateral damage may occur from releasing a wild animal in a school hallway; in such a case, follow the advice given in this artice.
  • Shovel to the Face: Just as it sounds. Grab the nearest gardening impliment and whack the Freshie like a piñata.

How to Identify Freshies[edit]

In recent years, Freshies have been trying to elude their terrible fate by trying to blend into normal society. In order to combat this, here are a few tell-tale signs on whether that n00b is a Freshie.

  • There is a good chance that during Freshman Orientation at a high school, a good percentage of the room's inhabitants might be Freshies. Proceed with caution.
  • Light-up sneakers and/or backpacks with wheels. These Freshies are to be dealt with on sight.
  • Any girl without any hint of developing breasts.
  • Anyone owning a Nintendo DS. By eliminating these Freshies, you will essentially kill two birds with one shot, as it will also control the spread of the dreaded NintenDogs.
  • Anyone who bikes or skateboards while wearing a helmet. These Freshies are so stuck up, they lack any self-sacrifice. However, these Freshies are easily combated, as they are easily dared into doing very stupid actions, such as sticking one's tongue to a frozen flagpole.
  • Anyone who primarily uses the phrases 'Your Mama', 'You're Gay' or 'You're Fat' as an insult.
  • ANY ONE HAVING ANYTHING TO DO WITH EITHER OF THE FOLLOWING: Harry Potter, RuneScape, Twilight, the Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, or anything Disney-related that was made in the past 10 years.

So Remember What Spoofy the Bear Says:[edit]

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