Ford Ranger

Ford Ranger
The Ford Ranger in the "Carolina squat."
Overview
Manufacturer	The Ford Motor Company
Production	2011–2018
Assembly	Various suburban garages in Australia
Designer	Ford
Body and chassis
Class	RT
Body style	Compact
Powertrain
Transmission	Manual
Dimensions
Wheelbase	3,225 mm
Length	5,360 mm
Width	1,850 mm (At least two disabled spots)
Height	1,800 mm
Curb weight	2,050 kg

The Ford Ranger is a series of mid-size utes mainly targeted for operators demonstrating an advanced level of behavioural instability. While originally made for the US market, the Ranger has exceeded revenue figures by nearly 24% in Australian markets. This success is mainly attributed to Australian males using it to project a level of ruggedness entirely unsupported by their rather bleak lifestyle of sitting around and doing nothing.

Classification

As a compact motor vehicle, the Ranger many drivers and individuals classify it as a shopping trolley. However, the UNECE states the Ranger is 5 metres too long to meet the standards for a class T (trolley) vehicle. The UNECE instead classifies the Ranger as a class RT vehicle classifying it as a road train and an obstruction. Most believe this classification is only used by toll roads who charge more for bigger vehicles.

Some drivers claim to have deciphered the real reason for obtaining a Ranger have several nicknames for the Ranger calling it the "Yank Tank", "Emotional Support Vehicle", and "Wichserpanzer" (wanker's tank). These names have been cited as being "derogatory" by likely upset Ranger owners who believe their vehicle (which they call a "TRUCK" in ALL CAPS because it sounds more manly) is a substitute for their personality and "strikingly accurate" to people who think otherwise.

History

An early prototype of the Ranger demonstrating the now scraped "self destruct" capabilities forcing the driver to buy a new Ranger maximising profits.

On 1982, Henry Ford woke up at near midnight seeing a vision of a world where trucks have so much vertical orientation that you couldn't see the traffic in front of you. This led to the immediate production of the Ranger, a truck so thirsty it requires a massive tray to haul its own backup fuel supply.

The early Rangers

Tradies flocked to the early Rangers, because despite their completely absurd fuel usage, the ute tray was actually useful for carting around all their tools. It both holds more than a previous vehicle and also provides much easier access to it—the efficiency of being able to just chuck crap in the back and drive off, whether at Bunnings or the bottle shop, is unparalleled by other vehicle types.

The thick tyres and manual gearboxes of the early Rangers also made them useful vehicles for 4-wheel-driving and other extreme activities.

The NEW Rangers

Ford realized that such a vehicle was way too good (and didn't meat their original goals), so they embraced the emotional support vehicle, and it's aspects, such as being big, fat, useless, big, and bigger. From this they built the NEW Ranger, which contains a numerous set of upgrades for an enhanced tiny wang compensation experience:

• Thin little tyres wrapped around massive STEEL wheels
• Obnoxious beeps to indicate every possible undesirable scenario, such as seatbelts that are not buckled up, the car driving less than 6m/s over the f@#$ing number in the circle, or presence of classical music on the wireless.
• Sports bars, which look cooler than the metal frames that tradies have on their utes, but are floppier than a floppy and thus utterly useless for anything other than looks
• And much more

Features

All Rangers come standard with the following equipment:

• Five wheels, despite only two of them being hooked up to the engine
• Five doors, for all your mates and crap
• CD player, just in case there's nothing on the radio
• A ute tray, despite only half of Ranger owners using it, because the other half is worried about getting scratches in it
• Dual stubby holders, mounted under the steering wheel
• An ash tray, for the driver's fagends (Although some people say that most people use it for trees)
• Pee plates, which only 5% of Ranger drivers are allowed to remove
• An intense aura that causes all persons sitting in the driver's seat to become complete d*ckheads
• A tow ball, because without one it'd be difficult to claim on the glossy that it can tow 3 ton (no one actually uses these things for towing, however)

Freedom Edition

While Rangers are mostly found in countries without convicted felons running the place (due to yanks preferring the harder stuff), the few rangers that can be found in the states have a couple additional accessories fitted by default:

• MAGA stickers
• Anti-vaccine stickers
• Out-of-Hand drive conversion pack
• Random used bullet casings in every corner

Mental Hospital Edition

While not available from the dealer, Rangers which describe the mental state of the typical ranger driver are widely available. They typically include features such as:

• Mismatched lift kits for dat glorious Carolina squat
• 22-inch wheels with 0.1-inch tyres
• Red or blue underglow, maybe even wheel glow too
• Light bars everywhere
• Much More

When combined with the Freedom Edition, it may also include a back window completely covered in quotes from The Alex Jones Show, Fox News, The Flat Earth Society, or whatever other source of complete truth the owner subscribes to.

Anime Wraps are not compatible with Rangers. Cars optimized for such overpowering virginity include subarus, mitsubishis, and other jap-crap.

Ranger Drivers

[[File:Ford Ranger on fire.png|alt=A 3 car crash|frame|Probably caused by a drunk Ranger driver which has since fled the scene.

Like with merks, beemers, Hondas, and electric vehicles, all Ranger drivers take a dealer-mandated course on terrible driving.

Unlike how Honda teaches all it's drivers to never go over one meter per second, beemer and merk teach their drivers to just drive terribly and never use the blinkers, and ev companies teach their drivers to use the Chinese road rules even though they're the complete opposite of your country's road rules, the Ford Ranger certification course teaches drivers that driving is about showing everyone you're a REAL MAN and that the road is YOUR TERRITORY. The methods available for this include road rage, installing and then abusing a train horn, speeding, hit-and-runs, and much more.

Habitat

Ford Rangers can commonly be found at the following places:

• The pub
• The bottle shop
• KFC
• The discount bottle shop
• Centrelink
• The pub
• Dan Murphy's
• Bunnings

Comparison with other utes

Metric (Compared to average)	Ford Ranger	Ram	Holden Ute
Drink driving rate	7x	8x	0.8x
Amount of cargo that can be carried	2x	0x	3x
Amount of fuel wasted	3x	5x	2x
Hooning capability	0.7x	0.5x	2x
Road rage incidents	4x	2x	0.8x

Feature	Ford Ranger	Ram	Holden Ute
Can carry cargo	✔	🗙	✔
Looks cool	🗙	🗙	✔
Provides tiny penis compensation	✔	✔	🗙
Ideal for road rage	✔	✔	🗙
Suitable as a family car	Older models only	🗙	✔