Fist bump

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search


For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Fist bump.
Fist Props

The fist bump (also known as a report or less commonly respect knuckles is a long deceased way of greeting. Evolved from the handshake, it has come from its lengthy sleep in the depths of History to social groups such as Metal/Rock Musicians, Atheltes and just plain cool dudes. It can be expressed as raising ones hand in a fist shape violently in the air (known as an "air" props), or a regular fist to fist punch with one of your buddies (regular "Props"). While the regular fist bump is typically used during a greeting, the report is used anytime to confirm a positive status between two people. It is common for the initiator to say "report" as he initiates the ritual.


During the early 1200s in Western Europe, a major problem had arised. If you have a friendship or a certain relation with someone, how can you express this without words? As it seemed by a fluke, this question was answered. During a toe wrestling competition between two men, a dog interfeared and bit off both of their toes. Baffled, they both ran after the speedy canine (short one toe each), but they had much difficulty and soon gave up. they stopped to take a breath and plan their attack. Their plan was for the first to distract the caninewith the rest of his foot while the other would run up to it, trip it and put into a rear naked submission. It worked and soon the dog laid passed out and the two men had their toes. Unfortunately for them the modern science of re-attaching limbs was far from mastered. As the tale goes, these two men made a vow to be friends and settle their difference ,just as they both tripped on a small lizard and, to stop each other from falling, they shoved their hands out in a fist shape towards each other and they connected. As the both prevented each other from falling, they used this "hand pounding" technique as a special way to show their friendship. This quickly caught on in Eastern Europe, then the whole western hemisphere. Unfortunately, this large tradidtion was soon forcefully forgotten when harry Potter defeated Lord Voldemort and banned props forever.

The Anti-Props Zones[edit]

Anti-props zones are thin lines that circulate the earth which prohibit the crossing of air props signals. these thin lines are found approximately 5.165 degrees from each latitudial line (every 10 degrees). If you do not know what the lattitudial lines are, either look it up or wait for grade 9 geography. (Which is obviously the grade I the writer am in.) These thin lines consist of an extremely thin ray of light invisible to the naked eye. If you try to props through one of these zones, the light will reflect in such an odd way with the interception of the props signal, that it will look like you are eating small children.[1]

Props guidlines[edit]

"Pound It" can be and has been used as a celebratory offering to a member of a party who provides mirth for the others. In order to thank him or her for this often extemporaneous mirth, a pound is offered.

Hit me with a pound, Pound it up, Give me some pounds, and I'll give you some for that are also used to commence a pounding. They are widely accepted and admired in most situations.

  1. Props must be performed with two fists. If it is not performed like so, it is called a 'Floppy Five"
  2. Can be practised by male or female, but must remain in same sex usage (eg. Male to Male props, Female to Female props.)
  3. A props can only be performed between 2 buddies, THIS IS NOT A TOOL OF LOVE!!!
  4. During a props both knuckles MUST be aligned.
  5. The props can be performed at any strength level. Do not complain if your hand is sore after a props.
  6. The props can be performed at almost any time. it is prohibited at funerals or sailboat competitions.
  7. Ducks CANNOT props. End of story.
  8. If your friends refer to you as a "Cool Cat", you cannot props. If you try, you will suffer the consequences.
  9. If you fail to hit your props and your hand misses, you must wait 24 hours before trying again.
  10. When air propsing, one must be sure he/she is not trying to surpass the Anti-Props zone. Doing such will result in a failed props, not to mention further issues.
  11. *MOST IMPORTANT* The props should be used in any case where a handshake is used. If your reason for props does not violate rules 1 through 10, your good to go. Remember, props are much more sanitary than a handshake.

Benefits of The Pound[edit]

While handshakes are customarily disease-ridden, plague-carrying, and highly infectious, pounds are both sanitary and hygienic, offering a terrific solution to the vile pestilence of their adversary. For this reason, they have become popular in trench warfare, and continue to gain support from vegans, Jains, scientologists, and other health advocates. Since the pound is silent, it can be done clandestinely; thus, it is quite common in secret societies such as the Freemasons or other places where there's a lot of people who don't wash their hands.

Pound Expiration Time[edit]

Although there exists no time constraint or expiration period in the art of the pound, there is a proper period of time in which a pound ought to be delivered and accepted. Pounds often need to be distributed promptly lest they lose their gusto. The exact time restrictions are molded by the given situation's particulars (i.e. place, persons present, reason for giving pound, etc), and should be adhered to by pound purists.

For example, after a humorous comment is delivered, an average of less than three seconds should elapse before the pound is proferred.

Acceptable Pound Situations[edit]

Receiving a pound can be as rewarding as receiving a scholarship to your college of choice. It has been compared to the opening of gifts on Christmas morning. But in order to receive such an offering, you must first arouse laughter by triggering certain aspects of conversation.

  1. "The International" or "Across the Seas" pounds are rewarded when making a reference to a foreign country. They are often accompanied by a small phrase or brief sentiment from the respected country or culture.
  2. "Sacred" pounds are obtained during conversation about God, the Holy Bible, or any of the twelve Apostles. These pounds are often ubiquitous at Bible study meetings and various Christian youth gatherings.
  3. "Hypothetical", "Telepathic", "Brain", "Mental" or simply "Air" pounds are exchanged when pounder and pound receiver are either too far or merely too lethargic to slam fists with one another. This pound is frowned upon for its slothful connotation, however it is preferred to the complete absence of a pound. They can also occur when the two pounding persons are fearful that the "pound expiration time" will pass. The two differ slightly, as "Hypothetical", "Telepathic", and "Brain" pounds require no physical movements in any way, with the exception of an unmandatory slight headbutt motion of sorts. "Air" pounds, however, require a full pound exercise, for the pounds are meant to meet in the air. They are often credited with giving way to the action of blowing kisses.
  4. "Animal" pounds are given in comments or situations wherein it is fitting to reference members of the Animalia Kingdom. An excellent example is the turtle pound, which is common at reptile expositions. It is created by the two interactors placing their thumbs between their clenched index and middle fingers in the semblance of a turtle, and then pounding their fists together. Another popular animal pound is the wolf pound. This transaction, a homage to small-town werewolf Wolfgang von Schübert, is usually dispensed alongside a bellowing howl, and requires the pounders to shape their fists into a wolf-like formation.
  5. "Zig-Zag" or "Sidewinder" pounds are exchanged during situations in which room is limited, usually in a crowded room or a small space such as a car. As suggested by their name, they are distributed in a serpentine motion. They can also be given when the pound sender is in an exceptionally jubilant mood. The vertical alteration of this pound has been justly dubbed "the Rollercoaster". This pound is rare to use on a day to day basis, but has become overwhelmingly popular at amusement parks such as Six Flags and Disney World.
  6. "Meat and Potato" pounds are extremely hearty and formidable. They are the strongest, purest forms of pounds and only exist between the closest of confederates. Customary eye contact is vital for the proper and fluid execution of these titanic formalities. They are usually exchanged after the poundee and pounder reunite after a long period of separation, but can also be given at funerals, farewell parties, or celebratory feasts. These are not for the faint of fist.
  7. "Nascent" pounds are given to new members of a society who were previously unaware of the art of pounding. Often slow and weak, these pounds aim more to teach than to congratulate.
  8. "Athletic " pounds are renowned for their emphatic machoness, and are sometimes problematic for novices if not given and/or received properly. They are usually administered before, during, or after a sporting activity in which a player, team, or any sport-related affiliate completes a successful play. Strictly dispensed amongst players, fans, coaches, and mascots, this form of poundage is analogous to a coach-administered slap to the butt.
  9. "Paddle" pounds, though not given with a fist but with a paddle, are extremely gleeful and euphorically exhilarating forms of communication between two teammates during a table tennis match. To initiate, the pounder simply raises his/her paddle above their head and bellows "PADDLE POUND!" to call the pound receiver into action. Often given when one or both players have successfully administered a good move during game play, "Paddle" pounds can also be given when one's team has won a match.
  10. "Double" pounds are not as simple in their execution as they are in theory. Only attempted by experienced pounders, this form of greeting involves both fists to meet symmetrically in media res of the two pounders' bodies. Missed pounds can have tragic affects - contusions, bruises, torn ligaments, etc.
  11. "Rainbow" pounds are administered from one person to a person of lesser stature. It is performed by the pounder simply raising his arm above and slightly behind his head and then subsequently bringing it towards the poundee's fist in a downward arc motion.
  12. "Napoleon Bonapound" requires that both the pounder and poundee be wearing jackets or cummerbunds. Following a normal fist pound, the two simply tuck their fist hand into their jacket opening and stare off triumphantly into the distance.
  13. The "Breaking the Pound Barrier" pound commences with the two greeters slowly and unsteadily accelerating their fists towards one another. Upon contact, they immediately open their hands and recoil them back. Sound effects are mandatory. This has also been referred to as an "Asteroid" pound.
  14. "2001: A Pound" is a type of pound where both pounders slowly elevate their fists towards oneanother, whilst singing, humming, or whistling the theme to 2001: A Space Odyssey (Also Sprach Zarathrustra). The two fists finally gain contact with each other once the singer or singers reach the climax of the theme. Multiple extra bumps during the following timpani solo are optional.
  15. "Pound Explode, aka Exploding Pound"is an American classic. Start with a regular fist pound, but upon contact, open your fist and quickly retract your hand. Sound effects appreciated.
  16. The "Ticking Pound" starts with a regular pound, and then retract fists slowly. As you retract, each person shakes his or her fist, and then after an appropriate period of shaking, explode as in a Pound Explode.
  17. The "Reverb Pound" starts with an Exploding Pound. After hands are open and apart, bring them back together and close into a pound. Retract fists.
  18. "Pound Check" - execute a normal pound, but at first contact, say "testing" and tap fists rhythmically while one person says "one...two...three." Repeat as necessary, adjusting volume.

Locking the Pound[edit]

In situations that dictate high enthusiasm or jubilee, the pounder may opt to "lock" said pound. In doing so, the pounder would proceed with the pound and upon contact, rotate his/her wrist to simulate the locking of a key. Two variants are included:

  1. The "Double Lock" occurs when both the pounder and the poundee go into the act with the predetermined notion that the lock will happen. When the locking happens, both hands turn the opposite way, causing knuckles to grind against one another. This lock ensures maximum security and is more commonly used among friends.
  2. The "Tumbler" is similar to the Double Lock, but has both actors rotating their fist to the same direction. This leads to discomfort and awkwardness among the pounders and is often seen in negative light. Little is said afterward and both go about their business. This has high potential to end future pounding between characters.
  3. The "Larry". Larry the mail guy will come around and give you a couple pounds a day, but never ask him if he's bizzee.

In popular culture[edit]

A fist pound, pound it, respect knuckles, bones, props, or the terrorist fist jab is most often depicted in popular culture as a type of social interaction similar to a hand shake or a high five. It involves one person holding out their fist (poundee) and someone else "pounding it" with their fist (pounder). A pound also can be known as a symbol of giving of respect in certain sectors of society. Fist pounds can also be followed by various other hand and body gestures to make a unique handshake. This unique handshakes are typical guy/monkey behavior, though.


  1. DO NOT TRY THIS!!! Arrest may follow.

External links[edit]