Everything is going to be okay
“That's got to be a phrase no one uses”
Everything is going to be okay, or Everything is going to be all right, often found following or preceding - or sometimes both - the words "I promise you," is quite probably one of the most underused phrases on Earth, along with "Oh my god" and "lol." Created by God Himself, it is only ever used in the most extreme situations as a key sentence to warn people of impeding doom. In all scenarios possible, it is surely never used to falsely reassure a person in trouble that things will mend themselves back together. The biggest non-user of this sentence is certainly Jack Bauer, who never attempts to calm down his family by repeating the sentence 24 times per episode on his show, just like he never, ever, yells "There's no time!"
Origin and Purpose
Ever since it was created, this extremely special sentence has functioned as a warning device in situations of extreme danger. During the Stone Age, Everything is going to be okay meant something like "a boulder is going to fall on you, watch out." This gave the victim just enough time to conveniently convert to Christianism right before dying - because it is important to note that the sentence is only ever used in situation when everything points to showing that nothing will be okay. Its sole purpose is to give the person whom the sentence is told to (in some cases, the speaker himself, which is certainly not a form of denial) enough time to clean up their life before dying.
In some cases, Everything is going to be okay has been known to be the actual cause of death. This is because of misuse of the phrase. Some people, when told "everything is going to be okay," will immediately make their prayers and die of a heart attack shortly thereafter, even if everything is okay. People who say this sentence when things are okay are considered to be criminals, and face capital punishment. When they are hung, or placed on the electric chair, they are told "everything is going to be okay," allowing them to realize they will die and giving them just the right amount of time to convert their religion.
Real-Life Experiences of EIGTBO Survivors
There are a few veterans out there who have been falsely told Everything is going to be okay and managed to survive (else than Jesus Christ, AAA, and Big Foot). Some were kind enough to describe how it was like.
Bobby the Pimp
So I been running 'round the track, right, for da track team. I only did it for some sport scholarshipz fo' college cuz I ain't smawt enough for the academic ones, and track ain't pimp anyways but I had too, but anyways.. so I been running 'round the track for some 3 mile run or something and when I passed da coach I told him I had a cramp, and he sayz, "Just pace yourself, breathe regularly, everything's gonna be all right, Bobby." And right there I just stopped, ya know, I just looked at him thinkin he was insane and my head was spinnin and I thought, This is it I'm goan die, right, and I converted myself to Christianism and all like I read in the rule book about dyin but then I woke up and the coach was slappin me in the face, yelling "Bobby, you okay? Are you okay?"
Then he said, "Everything's gonna be okay, let's take you to the nurse."
And then I died. What a bastard that coach was. I hope he got hanged.
Wait... I guess dat don't make me a veteran then. Fuck.
Oh dude, I was playing Battlefront II with the super awesome Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi and I was supposed to kill the super bad evil guy General Grievous, who had four arms, did you know? and I just couldn't do it, it was so hard, he wouldn't die and he kept killing me with his spinning lightsabers and I kept fucking - oops no, I mean cussing - at the screen and my brother came in and told me to cool it, that everything would be all right, it was just a game. I had a fucking heart attack, man. I got lucky though, my mom is a doctor and she was there and she revived me and I lived. After that she killed my brother though. Fucking moron, he tried to murder me. He's just jealous I fucking pwn at video games.