Euthymol
“It’s pink and it soon gave me a burning sensation, much like a diseased whore's vagina”
– Charles Dance on his regular whore usage and strict adherence to Euthymol
Euthymol is the world’s most potent cleaner devised by man and is often used to clean the teeth of Glaswegians, whose poor diet[1] necessitates pulling no punches on oral hygiene. It was first commercially made in the 18th century as a quack medication for shill Oscar Wilde to make some "easy money" out of.
History[edit | edit source]
Euthymol began life as a kind of cheap paint-stripper used by London decorators during the Victorian times, however many opted not use it as it burnt through most materials used in homes, such as wood and steel. However, due to the horrific oral hygiene caused by the high amounts of barbiturates and chemicals used to preserve food, Euthymol was passed by the NHS as a means of tackling the cavity and diseased-gum epidemic of British rule in India, whose terrible spicy sugary foods were the final straw coupled with the already terrible British diets.
No one is certain of Euthymol’s exact inventor or its first production, though it is thought that it may in fact be Satan's vaginal discharge due to the hellish flavor and diabolic adherents of Euthymol, such as Oscar Wilde[2] and Sean Connery.
Euthymol's manufacture and consumption was chiefly in Glasgow, where nobody particularly cared about soiled building materials ruined by Euthymol's heady cocktails of abrasives. Overall Glaswegians prefer to get that 'extra clean feel and look’, especially on the buildings and their desecrated teeth which were knackered up with alcohol and excessive fried food consumption.
Use and application[edit | edit source]
“Fuck you, Fuck me, Fuck God and Fuck this Fucking Life!”
– Typical Euthymol users morning rant prior to Euthymol use
Apparently Euthymol's use is as a "Scientific Dental Preparation", but your teeth must be in some level of disrepair to use Euthymol, or you are perhaps one of the 'paranoid types' about fluoride. Euthymol has often, and continues to be, championed by the anti-fluoride brigade who make bizarre claims that Euthymol is better because it's just toxic overall and not having an additional toxic compound to contend with.
Euthymol only requires a small amount to ensure that a user's mouth is not only clean of bacteria, plaque, blood, and semen, but most importantly all of the cumbersome flesh surrounding the teeth and bone themselves.
It has been recommended by the Euthymol Association not to use Euthymol after excessive alcohol consumption, since most Euthymol derivatives, even in foamy form, will cause a lasting pain on the user if it happens to fall on their genitals. This is particularly apparent with women who will whine and cause drama (see point one in next section).
This advice has not been adhered to by the British Army who use Euthymol to reduce the lasciviousness of Army recruits and encourage an acceptance of celibacy whilst on home territory, and to dehumanize for the raping on foreign ones. The British army is also known for using the fabled "Euthymol Detention Torture" when on imperialistic duties for the Queen overseas.
Benefits to using Euthymol[edit | edit source]
It is probably clear by this point that only quacks use this stuff.[citation needed] These quacks are a generally sadistic echelon of society, whose tastes have been warped by years of excessive Euthymol usage. Their adherents contrast these views with antiquated virtues being more desirable, and that Euthymol promotes these atavistic elements. They usually cite the following Aristotelian virtues;
- Misogyny
- Clean Teeth
- A poorer more "Scottish Temperament"[4]
These reasons are often cited as being reasons for using Euthymol, however evil corporation and competitor Colgate insists that its cavity-producing saccharine-laced rat poison is marginally more beneficial on the second point of "cleaner teeth". They make no claims as to their effectiveness on the other two virtuous counts, however.
Future[edit | edit source]
“Isn't it 'just fabulous' to get all that grease and oomsca off you council house walls and also what remains of your teeth?”
– Colin and Justin on ruining another house with cheap tat and 'deep anal' Euthymol cleaning in Glasgow
Colin and Justin, the world famous and respected budget interior designers from Glasgow, swear by Euthymol in their decorating shows, with their faggoty sculptures and 'lifestyle statements' in unfortunate people’s homes. They often use Euthymol to clean run-down areas of Glasgow and disinfect the residents, to some level of success.[5]
There is general cynicism on the matter of whether civilian usage will continue as the decadence of society fails to appreciate that frying out your own gums is a virtue.
Euthymol is being tested in Iran as a substitute for its nuclear weapons, and also inhuman ‘American Zionist Weaponry’, such as depleted Uranium shells. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the awesome and scary/shifty president of Iran has claimed that, when weaponized, “Euthymol is devastating.” He also went onto say that, “The Zionist Infidels will need to scrub their mouths with Euthymol to summon the courage to stand against Iran’s Euthymol arsenal.”
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Scottish diets are infamously based on fried food and cannibalism of the English and German tourists - we lay off the Americans though as we're on a diet.
- ↑ He only promoted Euthymol product placement only in his plays, however. Wilde himself never brushed his teeth.
- ↑ Rich Brits never wash their teeth.
- ↑ For instance: more argumentative, obstinate, higher IQ, meanness with money, and potentially indecisive.
- ↑ Often the use of Euthymol is more deadly than the deprivation and scrubbing peoples home in the stuff is often fatal for the skag whoring ravaged residents of Glasgow's deprived areas. Ain't that the way?