Dan
“I once knew a person named Dan....unfortunately”
“I did not have sex with Dan”
“I did NOT have sex with Dan !”
“You want a V8 ? YOU want a V8 !? Motherf*cker YOU CANT HANDLE THE POWER OF THE V8 !”
“Dan is their name”
“Maaaaatt Damon!”
“ive been to Dan, The planet that is”
“DANDANDAN”
Dan or 'The Dan', are a global group who have formed the country PakisDan. They are famous for having discovered Brazil and the breeding of the rare Low-flying duck.
These people of 'dan' can often be called by yelling one of their many random names, Dan, Danny, Dizzan, and Mathew Broderick.
Dan can also be found in pedantic and Ramadan. However, Dan doesn't care about rules or enjoy fasting.
Origins of the Dan[edit | edit source]
No-one is sure how the Dans came about, however there are many theories, many believe them to be a separate species that evolved at the same time as homosapiens, so this would mean Dans are in fact the rare species hetrodanus. Guinea pigs are universally accepted as a related species due to the amazing similarity; they both possess skin, eyes and hairy moles as well as relationships with Jennifer. She loves them too. Although some believe that Dans are the bastard sons of a porcupine and a fox that tried to use Dick Cheney as a make-shift condom.
Today however, the general consensus is that they are not of this world, and that they in fact descended from the common household grapefruit.
Modern History[edit | edit source]
The Dans have the 5th highest global economy, although they also have the highest unemployment and homeless rates, there are also over 69,000 murders a day in PakisDan. However in Danistan there are only 8 Dans killed every other 4 minutes.
It should also be noted that there ancient duck eating traditions are now only for special occasions, and duck testicles are hardly ever consumed, apart from on the 17th Sunday in May, which we all know to be called "Duck Testicle Eating Day".
On Dan's birthday he got a new red wagon. This was a monumental change in Dan's existence.
From Tribe to Nation And Dan Religion[edit | edit source]
The Dans started as a small Celtic tribe living somewhere in Cornwall, their religion Christidanity is found on three solid factors, that eating a Jew is considered a sin, it must also be noted that a Jew is also a delicacy in Dan cuisine. The second factor is that all Dans are terrified of the rivet gun, most do not know how to use one, those that do go on to be priests and/or run the country, the third factor of the Dan religion is rubbing alcohol, namely DumRum; they worship it daily in all its forms, because of this every Dan is in a constant state of being drunk or dead. When Fred orders pizza, Dans gets super mad and threaten world destruction. There are however a few heretic Dans that have shunned Christidanity, this band of unholy ones have named themselves the Holy order of the Danites. There are constant skirmishes between Christidans and the Holy order lead by the all mighty Dope (the Danites holy order pope). The Dope is characterized by the black slippers (known to the Dan people as "slops") that he must wear once elected. These slops have been passed down to each succeeding Dope for several generations and are considered to be the Holy Grail to all the people of PakisDan and Danistan.[1].
In Recent Times[edit | edit source]
In 2003 PakisDan was invited to join the EU but refused, this was due to the EU committee wanting to ban Christidanity. Despite numerous bad records with regards to human rights PakisDan, and the Dan people are well known for donating large sums of duck feathers to charity. This however, has been criticised by many as a shameless attempt to rid themselves of the otherwise toxic low-flying duck feathers.
Evolution[edit | edit source]
No-one is quite sure how the common grapefruit ever evolved into the mysterious race of the dan, all that is known however is that many early Dan remains have been discovered in South Africa, this could explain the ghostly Dan that rings up and threatens Gordon Brown constantly, Gordon Brown stated on the South African Dan - " Now I don't know who this south african chappy is, but he certainly appears to want to have a clutch"
Alternate Post-modern Theories[edit | edit source]
On the 25th of September 2006 an ancient scroll was discovered buried in a mound of peppercorns. Dating back as far as 1997 it was found off the Coast of South China by an Asian fishing trawler captained by the legendary Mexican sea captain and part-time philosopher Tony Blair. The scroll revealed shocking information regarding the roots of the Dan which has left many Dan researchers confused, as well as questioning the plausibility of the Dans origins. The scroll describes the Dans breaking off part of there native Cornwall, and using a giant balloon several thousand sparrows a small Russian bear in a top hat called Stalin plus the worlds largest cubic zirconium, managed to move there now island to the south Pacific, they named their island PakisDan. Many believe that the Dans island, is where the events of Lost have taken place. However, this is unlikely as no goddamned freaking others would still be around as the Dans hate and despise others, so after approximately 23 seconds of being on the island the others would have certainly been wiped out.
Trivia regarding PakisDan and the Dan people[edit | edit source]
- The currency of PakisDan is the Bollock.
- The capital of PakisDan is Duck Testicle City which is also the lowest hanging city and the most populated.
- The PakisDan international sports teams are generally known as the 'Fairly Strong Ducks,' although a legal dispute for the rights to use the name 'Mighty Ducks', continues today.
- PakisDan is known the have good relations with countries such as Markedonia, Bengium, Ronania and in recent times even the Isle Of Tom.
- Despite the origins of its people PakisDan banned all religions in 2001 after the 9/11 attacks in New York. The then President, Drake a le Canard was quoted as saying 'I don't give a fuck whether its one of those fucking stars, a fucking cross, a crescent fucking moon, a fucking towl-looking thing or whatever, the point is my son is not a communist!' to rapturous applause from a crowd reported to be as many as 12. Drake then went on to become head priest of Christidanity, shot himself for being a hypocrite and was then resurrected and now owns an onion stall somewhere in Portugal.
- The evolved form of the Dan is the 'Chubbs', however this being is extremely rare, some believe him to be an urban legend just like myth of Bryan Ferry, some say the Chubbs can only be defeated by a slice of 400 year old brie, some say the Chubbs starred in the original Star Trek tv series and also the title role of black beauty, his whereabouts and even existence are still unknown. The Chubbs ancient nemesis is the Nathan, the Nathan supposedly is allergic to water and sea monkeys, and has laser vision, many believe this to be an exaggeration however, and some even say that he couldn't beat Chubbs at the Dan national sport of duck catching.
- Most people believe that everybody wants to rape the Dan, this is true.
- The Dan are immune to global warming.
- The collective term for a group of Dan is 'gay bar'
- Some dans are know as Snake, as they are very sneaky and shed their skin, these Snakes often go on to pilot PakisDans aircrafts...poorly.
- The dans one great enemy is the Tanner, with all his brummy nonsense and repping of the 0121 however he is not a worthy adversary to the Dans
- The Dans great holy book is the Dandy which recounts tales of 'The Desperate One'