Colored People's Time
Colored People's Time (CPT) is the official time zone of African Americans. Colored People's Time was invented by black people in Detroit, who felt lazy and just didn't give a damn about showing up on time any more. Colored People's Time was successful, and gave them more time to do stuff like blasting music from their apartment and eating fried chicken. It is currently followed by millions of colored people, and their wannabes, whether they intend to or not. Even though it's not officially recognized by the United States government, millions of black people have been petitioning for it to be, claiming the government's ignorance of Colored People's Time is racist. UPN schedules its shows in CP Time to target more African-American viewers.
Using Colored People's Time[edit | edit source]
In Colored People's Time, it's impossible to show up late for anything. Instead of time controlling what you do, you control what time do. Think of it as the difference between having your wife fix you whatever she feels like for dinner and going to a restaurant.
For example, let's pretend your boss schedules a meeting for 8:00 in the morning, but you feel like sleeping in. No prob! Now the meeting is at 2:18 in the afternoon, giving you enough time to play some and shizzle a nizzle. Now, let's pretend one of your friends asked you to attend a funeral for one of their family members, and the funeral started at 7:00 at night. Screw that! Besides, you're only going there for the food. No one will mind if you come at 8:13; besides, everyone will forgive you when you say you're on CP Time. (It's not your fault you were late – it's everyone else's fault for thinking you were late.)
CP Time not only lets blacks have more time to play Madden, it also helps African Americans reach amazing top speeds while sprinting. CP Time not only lets African Americans slow down time for their advantage, it lets people like Reggie Bush speed up themselves to make it look like everyone else is on CP Time. Michael Jordan used Colored People's Time, combined with his Air Jordans, to perform spectacular dunks, and to have a little more time to judge his shots. Barry Bonds used CP Time, combined with steroids, to get acute reflexes and heat-seeking abilities. This gave himself the equivalent of nine seconds of normal time to decide whether to swing or not. Allen Iverson uses CP Time to get down the court faster than everyone else and as an excuse for hogging the ball.
Telling if someone is on CP Time[edit | edit source]
It's easy to tell if a nigga is on CP Time since people on CP Time always insist they are on time, even when they're clearly late. They also make no big deal about arriving to parties an hour later than everyone else, and instead wonder why everybody is an hour early. People in CP Time move noticeably slower than their white counterparts, and seem to walk in supa slow motion. While a normal person takes five minutes to walk a city block, someone on CP Time takes an average of five hours. People in CP Time not only walk slower, they think slower. They have a difficult time focusing on challenging tasks, such as chewing gum and walking at the same time. People on CP Time are even more impaired than drunk/elderly people.
What to do if you meet a white dude who doesn't give a damn about CP Time[edit | edit source]
This situation happens a lot, and is unavoidable if you're boss isn't a colored person also. For some reason white people just don't understand why black people aren't constantly running all over the place, like they're catching a bus or something. I mean, seriously, those crackers need to chill down. There are several things you could do in this situation:
- Give them a long, boring lecture about the history of black people, or force them to read this.
- Tell them that Egyptians are really black, and watch their face get red in denial.
- Direct them to this web page for some factual, unbiased information on CP Time.
- Tell them that white people didn't invent everything on Earth, and they didn't invent time either.
- Tell them black people invented the elevator, democracy, and agriculture, and that God must be black if he created black people before white people.
- While no one's looking, sneak in and set all the clocks in the building to CP Time.
- Engage in an all-out, profanity-filled shouting match. This isn't recommended unless you know you'll never see that person in your life again.
Calculating time in Colored People's Time[edit | edit source]
There is no math formula on how to calculate CPT, but as one anonymous member of the Crips explains, "Itz jus da tim, plus ho'much a bum yo ar, timz how blak yo ar on a scal o 1-100, dividedby ho whit yo ar on a scal o 0-1000." [1]
