City of London School

CLS in its current form, with the River Thames at high tide. The Tate Modern is shown on the left, with the top of St Paul's Cathedral visible behind the main building.

The City of London School (CLS, City, The Great School, This Great School, That Great School, Harry Potter's School, The One True Great School) is a boys' independent school on the banks of the River Thames in the City of London. Whilst owned by 'The Corporation', the school somehow masquerades as a private school - despite being evident that it is largely state-owned. It is thought that the Government is in discussion with the Royal Bank of Scotland about planning a merger in order to weather economic downturn in The City. As part of the deal, the school will send evermore pupils into dead-end banking jobs.

The Bad Schools Guide described it as a "comprehensive with carpets... producing snobbish, self-assured boys with little experience of the real world."

The school is known to contain a unique selection of Asian students, Jews and the all-too-common public school spectacle of wannabe chavs and the like. As a result, teaching staff are required to attend 'ethnicity awareness sessions' in keeping with The Corporation's stance on ethnic quotas and their fear of negative backlash from The Guardian.

History

The City of London School was founded by Robocop as a specialist training facility for android defense mechanisms. Unfortunately, the deal fell flat after the collapse of Lehman Brothers, and Robocop defaulted on his mortgage payments.

Robocop was then compelled to establish a steady source of revenue to pay back his debts. He achieved this through the will of Don John - brother to the crown prince of Aragon, Don Pedro. His will detailed that some form of educational facility should be set up for the poor children of The City. Robocop set up a workhouse.

The City of London workhouse was held to be a public school by the Divisional Court in the case of Blake v City of London in 1886. Mr Blake was badly beaten, and the NHS failed to turn up. The City of London School thus was officially instituted.

Establishment at MILF Street

The foundation stone of the new school was laid by Lord Brougham in 1835 at premises in MILF Street - so named for Madame Irène-Limonade Fromagerie, mistress to Lord William Cavendish - located in the City of London near Westside, on the site of the old Honey Lane Market. The school was remarkable for its time in regards to three aspects:

• It did not discriminate against pupils on the grounds of religious persuasion, at a time when most public schools had an Anglican emphasis. Instead, it allowed mostly Jews.
• It promoted a rigorously practical and progressive scheme of education, well ahead of its time. It was the first school in England to include science on the curriculum, and to include scientific experiments as part of its teaching methods. This legacy is continued by many of the original members of science staff, who still teach at the school to this day.
• It displayed a unique variety of subjects included in its curriculum, being the first school to teach English literature - and not just Classical literature. It also offered education in vocational subjects, such as Meedya Studies, Home Economics and IT.

On-Site Off-site Facilities

The City of London School has all the required facilities to have its sports sessions on-site but, thanks to the 'bright idea' from the second master Miles T. Thick, the main sports facilities are located off-site. They are between a 45 minutes or 6 hours-long drive (depending on the weight of the coach driver), in the dark, dangerous and gloomy depths of Saaf London. Whilst these facilities are reasonably good, when it comes to the so-called Games sessions, many pupils have the shared opinion that the whole journey 'just isn't worth it' for a cold and depressing afternoon of being shouted at by the PE Department's brightest and best - or just by Mr Cornwall.

Although the school has some fantastic on-site facilities (including the Junior School - or "Giant Chess" - Roof), City has yet to actually win a major competition in any sport other than Professional Bantering. Recently, one of the two Lichtenstein-sized playgrounds that are located on school grounds was given the "we-have-more-money-than-we-know-what-to-do-with" treatment and is now the largest single area of 3G football turf anywhere on the planet. In honour of this fact, it was renamed as the "(Late) David Levin Playground" (or DLP to its friends, which it doesn't have, because it doesn't do drugs, and everyone knows that at City to be cool you have to do drrrrrrugs). Incidentally, the same playground also holds the title of "World's Most Stupidly Expensive Playground" (being built on the roof of MI5's secret London bunker) and serves to provide easy access to the school for the local homeless through it's elevated entry walkway.

The swimming pool is always cold (Bear Grylls nearly died of Frostbite attempting to swim a full length) and yet the teachers have been known to make pupils who have "forgotten their kit" swim only in their boxers/tighty-whiteys/man-thongs. As a consequence of this, swimming is considered to be one of the most widely dreaded lesson of the week. Statisticians have shown that it is almost 100% certain that every lesson someone will either bunk, fake an injury or "forget" their kit.

The pool does however play a much more important role within the school, as its single largest toilet and repository of human waste. Only as far back as 2007, over half the students in the school came forward to admit to urinating in the pool, after a 6th form prank led pupils to believe that tests were to be carried out to see which pupils had been urinated in the pool, and that confessing beforehand may mean they could avoid expulsion from the school.

Despite the pool's questionable sanitary status, it was never considered as a potential culprit in the "Vomiting Incident of '09". In some circles the school caterers were blamed by some for causing the epidemic of explosive diarrhoea and vomiting (thanks to their celebratory (READ: "uncooked") Shrove Tuesday pancakes, while others just blamed the "Jew". The truth however, is even more horrifying, with a recent and thorough investigation concluding that one pupil (a 4th Former, which surprised precisely no-one) who decided not to wash his hands after defecating hastily in a rush to make the coach to Games.

Although there are many other positive facilities at CLS, the toilets (like in most schools) are not one of them. After the recent "Norovirus" Epidemic, CLS was forced to bring in the very latest technology to the toilets, in order to combat future disease outbreaks: Soap was introduced, and real paper towels. A special machine that churned out 'nice' smells (along with an extremely annoying intermittent beeping sound) was also introduced. Former-Stand-In-Headmaster Gary ("Gazza") Griffin hailed the bathroom upgrades as the "single greatest...oh no actually wait...the single personal triumph of [his] career at See-El-Ess".

Move to Blackfriars Mansion House Blackfriars

View of the purpose-built modern languages department

The school outgrew its original site and, by a further Act of Parliament (the City of London School Act 1879), it was empowered to move to a new site at Blackfriars on the Victoria Embankment overlooking the Thames (still in the City of London). A grand building said to be in the Italian Renaissance style (but actually in a high Victorian style with a steep pitched roof resembling that of a French chateau) was constructed by Polish builders at a cost exceeding £100,000. On the front are statues of J. Williams, Robocop, Gordon Brown, Tracey and Hitler, the first four apparently nodding to its literary and scientific traditions, the last being a fascist, a famous German, and the author of Mein Kampf. This building still stands and is now protected by a preservation order; it is presently occupied by the investment bank JPMorgan.

A photo of the Embankment buildings being demolished to hide the Corporation's dirty work in 1987.

The Victoria Embankment building remained the home of the City of London School for the next hundred years, although the site expanded to include not only the original building on the Victoria Embankment itself, but a range of buildings at right angles along the whole of Robocop Street (named after the founder of the school) and further buildings constructed at the back along Tudor Street, with the school playground, brothel, and cloisters enclosed within this island site. All but the original Victoria Embankment building were demolished when the school left the site, in order to hide any evidence of The Corporation’s dirty work.

Blackfriars Underground station was shut from the 2nd of March 2009 to 20th February 2012 when it received a makeover. After this was announced, students at CLS experienced a new emotion; happiness. But this newfound happiness was fleeting. To the disappointment and the dismay of the pupils, the second master Hugh Jass announced that the school would not be shut for two years (it overran) while Blackfriars was getting refurbished. This was followed by resounding mumbles of disapproval from most students, and excitable clapping from the teachers and (over-enthusiastic) junior-school pupils. But not to worry: hopefully some snow, a random reason for a Bank holiday or a fake fire alarm will disrupt another day at CLS - and just a bit of happiness will come back to the working week.

Current premises

In 1986, the City of London School moved to its present site in purpose-built facilities. It is a known fact that, in the event of invasion, the building was created to serve as a hospital. The narrow corridors, ward-like rooms, and cells for the mentally ill were designed with this in mind. Its vital position, upon the edge of the River Thames, also gave it a strategic vantage-point for the headmasters’ planned military strikes on various other rival schools around the City of London. There is currently a secret death ray located within a telescope on the Third Floor, which can only be activated by D.R Levin's Secret Invincible Ninja Deathsquad - pardon, that was definitely mistyped - the CCF under the Headmaster's command. There were rumours of an attack on Westminster School using the Royal Visit of Princess Anne as cover, however no such plans ever came to light.

School life

Headmaster, Alan Bird (self-styled Will-from-the-Inbetweener's-brother), pictured addressing the school on a traditional Monday Morning Assembly in the Great Hall

Houses

City of London School has six Houses, named after important Old Citizens or school benefactors:

• Ah-But (House Motto: "The start of every City Boy excuse ever.")
• Beaufuck (House Motto: "One Man, One House, One Ball")
• Robocop (House Motto: "Dead or Alive")
• Heil (House Motto: "We Care (about the House Championship")
• Mo'timmer (House Motto: "Quick do the Mo-Bot!")
• Seeley (House Motto: “We are still here”)

Boys are assigned to a House in the 3rd Form (at thirteen years old) and only give a shit for about the first six minutes of their first House Assembly. Nevertheless, the overenthusiastic approach to the House Championship, especially on the part of Beaufuck and Heil Houses, has led to several violent confrontations between Housemasters. As a result, most Houses have toned it down a little - such that literally nobody gives a single fuck. The prevalent attitude toward the House System was perhaps most accurately conveyed by Sweet Brown (CLS Class of '92) with her frequently misquoted quote - after all what City boy would ever use such shocking grammar - "is it not the case that nobody has time for that?"

School uniforms

The school requires school uniforms for all pupils up to the fifth form. In January 2009, following a spate of biological incidents, and due to general teenage washing habits, the school announced a new uniform design. Parents and Human Rights groups announced their joy at the decision, with several parents releasing press statements:

"Now my son can go to CLS without fear of being infected ... the mechanism just wasn't working."

"It's now a little bit more eco-friendly... because that's what we're all concerned about... the environment."

"Now I can't make my son look like a twat with the only striped blazer... shit."

The team at Uncyclopedia would like to remind readers that other opinions on the striped blazers are available.

Curriculum

City of London School offers a number of subjects on its curriculum, including a BTEC in Physical Education Education.

Recently, the list of more niche subjects available to students has been bolstered by some new additions including, but not limited to: Business Studies, Meedya Studies, Sociology, Psychology, Rock Observations, Advanced Colouring, Further Further Maths, Further Further Further Maths, Home Economics, General Studies and Unicorn Biology.

Boys are welcome to study Economics, but most other pupils are put off by the smell of decay and scotch wafting from Mr Redit's office.

The study of Modern Languages is encouraged at City, however the School considered splitting up the department after the German teachers, lead by Miss Heaf, invaded the French rooms. The French Department, even with the help of the ruthless former Sixth Form Head - codenamed “Gerald”, surrendered within 0.00000000023 microseconds (setting a new World Record in the process). However, the English Department, lead by Mr “Bomber” Norman, struck the Germans with an airstrike of copies of 'The Great Gatsby'. After this ruthless attack, the English and French re-invaded the department, the Soviet department’s Mr Allwright along with the only American at City - a Sixth Form student called David - accepting the German surrender. However, billions of pounds’ worth of damage was done to the Fourth Floor after this Great War, and a split is wanted by most parties. The German and French Departments have now patched up their differences and are dedicated to making the English Department's lives a living hell for the rest of eternity.

Swimming lessons take priority over every other subject, but boys can usually exempt themselves from physical activity - after a spate of unpleasant incidents put the PE staff at risk of redundancy.

In 2005, the Daily Torygraph placed the school 34th (the second school in its "First Division") in its League Table of Independent School A-level results, with 89.6% of pupils gaining A or B grades at A-level. However, it is fairly clear that is just one more cover-up orchestrated by The Corporation in order to keep its money-laundering business raking in the dough. The headmasters have pulled more than a few strings to keep up City’s guise of academic superiority, resulting in an ever-expanding staff of administrators to deal with the constant barrage of parents and media questioning the results.

Websense

Being keen to create a controlled and censored attitude to life at CLS, the school decided to follow from the example of Jinping’s Communism and make sure that pupils are not exposed to anything at school that could either upset or harm them. In addition to blocking the expected sites, they also decided to take it one step further and - to the annoyance of the school - block many popular ones. Many of these sites have no reason to be blocked like Facebook and YouTube, along with virtually any online gaming site that has ever been made (even Minesweeper.com). The school has even been known, on occasion, to block sites within its own intranet, branding them "inappropriate" for pupil viewing due to the "explicit" content found on some of the sites. The most recent example of this is the blocking of the schools own prospectus video, filmed in Summer 2016, which was blocked on both the website and intranet as it contained both “hate crime” and “child pornography”. Other examples of this include Mr Fernandes' "Maths Soc" web-page which has been temporarily blocked on over 400 separate occasions for offences ranging from "pupil torture" (publication of photos taken of students during his lessons) to "inciting racial hatred" in branding the Philosophy Society (aka. The Bob Marley Appreciation Society) "a bunch of pretentious white boys with no real idea what they're talking about". This Uncyclopedia page was also blocked - on accounts of it being a dating site.

The Fletcher Youth (SoySoyEff)

The CCF is an integral part of CLS lifestyle. Hundreds of young, impressionable teenagers are given military training for their eventual drafting into the headmaster's Secret Invincible Ninja Deathsquad. This military training is based off that employed by the Brutish Army, and revolves around standing in the courtyard marchin' up an' down the square for two hours on a Monday after school. Twice a year, they are sent to crawl in a muddy field somewhere, but most boys manage to get out of this by feigning minor illnesses, or just 'other commitments', like being Jewish or being a filthy papist. This form of subliminal recruitment allows CLS to have a round-the-clock defensive capability. This was ensured by Fräulein Fletcher who wished to use them in order to take out the Government, with help from The Corporation. This was part of her bid to install a liberal fascist world order, not seeing the hypocrisy there. To bolster their ranks, CCF members usually pressure the Third Formers into joining CCF. If a student does not take part in CCF, they are definitely either Orthodox Jewish, or just fucking lazy.

In recent times, the CCF at CLS has been placed under more and more scrutiny. After they challenged her power, Fräulein Fletcher and her SMT (Stasi Management Team) cut the size of the CCF down by half. It is now the case that one is able to not turn up for CCF for up to six months at a time, and nobody would notice. It is a common theory amongst the school that it is in connection with the departure of Griffin the Great and Hemingbae the Hero, who came very close to a revolution in the school using the elite seniors and third form child soldiers. The plan is thought to be that they would withdraw weapons from the school armoury and hastily ambush the Fuhrer as she walked past the Asquith room, coming out of the Monday morning assembly, with the final blow being Griffin the Great (#GaryGate) kicking the Fuhrer off the top of the sixth floor roof, just like the scene in '300'. Although the plan never came of anything, it is seen to be one of the greatest acts of manliness ever seen from the teachers standing up to the new regime, giving those two heroes the legacy they have today.

For the past couple of years, the CCF has been ruled by a notorious warlord and Navy cadet known as Hasaan "9/11" Quayum, who uses regular threats of terrorism to control the CCF populace. Having claimed that "Blofeld had some good ideas about humanity", it is believed that he is a high-ranking member of Spectre, the criminal organisation made famous by the James Bond docu-film series. This, combined with the Navy section's new commanding officer Adam Powrie - known for his curious affinity for spreading misery and hatred - has led to the Navy section becoming overwhelmed with internal strife, with the two other cadets in Quayum's year group as the only hope for the younger cadets.

The RAF section, as much as they enjoy looking down at the Navy section, also has its issues: after the departure of the three Senior Sixth cadets in 2024, there was a power vacuum which could only be filled by either the known child enthusiast and Frenchman Baguette Descorps, or KGB operative and North Face jacket-owner Mishington. This led to a great concern sweeping the senior NCO group chats. In the end, Descorps withdrew, leaving Mishington to take the reigns of the RAF section.

The Physics Department

CLS is known for its vindictive Physics department: headed by Mr. Wood, the crooked organisation deals in suffering, with its A-level exam board of choice (OCR B) cited as a major reason for the accusation. Our internal sources here at Uncyclopedia have told us that at least one person per lesson is sent to the school nurse suffering from a nervous breakdown due to Mr. Wood's condescending manner.

Another notable figure in the CLS Physics department is international Bond Villain Mr. Bradford, also known by his nickname "Mr. Sir". EON productions have already been in contact with CLS with regards to casting him as the main antagonist of Bond 26, as his publicly-known plans for world domination and self-professed attraction to pupil Arthur Philipps make him an enticing choice. Mr. Bradford works in conjunction with Mr. Wood to cause as much distress as possible to all their pupils, as part of their plan to select similarly-minded pupils as cannon-fodder for their world domination scheme.

Conversely, Mr. R. Mackrell stands as a living testament to the greatness of humanity - as long as he doesn't actually teach you (good luck with passing your exams if he does). He can often be seen on Thursday afternoons covered in some sort of substance, whether it be flour, jelly, or water: this is due to his long-running association with a certain pupil as part of the Slow-Mo society. This is one of the school's most popular clubs, having once had two whole pupils in attendance. Their efforts are immortalised on Mr. Mackrell's YouTube channel, rmackrellphysics - one of the true greats in media history. Mr. Mackrell was once the commanding officer of the CCF Navy section, and evidence can be found in the cupboards of room 509, which are haphazardly packed with bits of old Navy uniform. Room 509 has been his home for many years now, to the point where many believed that he actually lived there (this was obvious in hindsight, as we know all teachers live in the cupboards of their classrooms). However, at the start of the 2024-25 academic year, the school was shocked by news to rival Mr. Bradford's world-domination plans: Mr. Mackrell had been evicted from room 509. This was due to his decision to work part-time, with the result that he can be seen shuffling along the 5th floor corridor, shaking a paper cup in front of him, and begging for spare USB sticks for the slow-mo camera.

School Rules and Regulations

At the beginning of the year, all boys are given Chairwoman Coco's Little Red Book to read. They are then made to sign a form to say that they have read and understood the contents of the book.

School rules must be strictly adhered to within the school. Failure to do so will result in the offender being enforced by Judge “Enforcer” Fernandes. A picture of him would be shown here, but that would violate copyright rules - and he would therefore enforce this page. He employs several teachers in his services, who have formed a secret enforcement service. He views himself as being fair and just - his vows to enforce at any cost mean that his enforcing 'is not just a threat, it's a promise'. As rules must be enforced, even out of school, he has been known to warn that "don't be surprised if I come knocking at your door" and that “it's not a threat, its a promise."

School fees

Although the City of London School has always charged fees to most of its pupils, those fees have been moderate relative to other independent schools and it has always offered many scholarships, both on the basis of academic and musical ability. Well, those fees used to be moderate - until a series of unfortunate events led to CLS steadily increasing the fees with an uncharacteristic boldness, like a flamingo wearing neon-yellow stripes. Of course, if a parent is well-connected or even owns a large company, they may be able to pull a few strings and get their son into CLS without paying a single penny. Oh, yes - it can be done!

Trivia

• The pedestrian crossing of busy Queen Victoria Street near the entrance to the school is monitored by Sheila Gallagher MBE, who has performed this daily duty since 1991 and is the only "lollipop lady" in the City of London. Few particularly care, and she is an object of ridicule amongst students and teachers alike. Her job is to help people cross the road, and yet she cannot even be bothered to press the button. American tourists think she is the British equivalent of a traffic light, when in fact it is more indicative of the Labour government's inability to cut expenses. However, in the 'current economic climate'© it is expectant that Mrs. Gallagher will finally be made redundant. Nonetheless, she is sure to recieve a pension payout in excess of £650,000 per annum. Harriet Harman insists that this is excessive, but the Labour Party does not seem keen to listen to their members’ opinion.
• The Illuminati run and control every aspect of the school, in keeping with their meglomaniac tendencies: CLS has a flourishing Illuminati society (Isoc), which has both gathered funds from fellow Illuminati members and removed the budgets of all other societies in its expansion efforts. It is run by their charismatic immortal leader Isaac Ahasuer, whose offers of free food gather followers from within the Illuminati and those outside. The powerful stench of Domino’s also attracts fellow shapeshifters from the Philosophy department.
• Mrs Miss (as she has obviously never even been thought of as a wife without puke involved) Heaf won the prestigous title of world's number 1 GIWLF back in 1407.
• Donald Trump is copyrighted to 5A - Any use of him without permission is a violation of copyright.
• The school now has a Covid isolation room which doubles as The Enforcer's very own functional black hole of Calcutta.

Headmasters

• Unknown-1837: Robocop
• 1837-1840: J. A. Giles
• 1840-1865: Rev. Dr. G. F. Mortimer
• 1865-1889: Edwin Abbott Abbott Abbott Abbott
• 1889-1905: Lord Underlaw VC CBE BA BSE GCSE QC HD NSP BBC LOL MBE DVD-R Blue-Ray Disc
• 1905–1929: Rev. Dr Arthur Chilton DD
• 1929–1950: F. R. Dale Winton
• 1950–1965: Dr. Arthur Willoughby Barton
• 1965–1984: Jaymes Ashley Boyes Aynd Giryls
• 1984–1990: Richard Hammond
• 1990–2004: R. Mackrell
• 1992-1995: יוסי בניון
• 1995–1998: Roger J. Dancey
• 1998–1999: Joseph Gubbay
• 1999–2014: Neil Cornwell (ably assisted by the Late Great South African Folk-Hero David Levin from his holiday home in the Bahamas)
• 2014–2017: Fräulein Fletcher
• 2018–Present: Alan Bird (self-styled Will-from-the-Inbetweener’s-brother)

See also

• Jizz-haven
• prison
• Zionism
• pretentious
• drug haven

Blame it on Boogie message=We know those crazy freemasons are somehow connected to this.

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