Cheese Farm

“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

~ Jon Hammond on the differences between birds and mice.

“Age is not important unless you're a cheese.”

~ Helen Hayes talking about why she doesn't care how old she is.

“Many's the long night I've dreamed of cheese - toasted, mostly.”

~ Robert Louis Stevenson on nightmares... and food.

“IDLENESS, n. A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices.”

~ Ambrose Bierce explains why Cheese Farms are the Devil's Playground.

Have you ever wondered why we have cheese? Who would look at milk and say: "I bet that'd taste excellent if I let it harden into a solid mass... and it'd taste even better if I drank wine with it."? Well, this is not that place. Instead, we will be discussing how Cheese Farms came into existence. Never heard of a Cheese Farm? Then get the frick out of here.... if you want.

• We will be following a story of a teenager's desire to have a cheese farm, how he accomplished this feat, and the Gnome who was the original creator of breeding cheese seeking revenge after having the first ever cheese that was bred stolen from him right out of his tiny hand. This takes place in the year 2000+π (or 2003.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510 etc.), on a distant planet called Earth. How ironic that is...

Origin of Cheese Farms

Many moons ago, a Gnomish Goat Farmer that specialized in cheese products got sick of having to go through the whole process of milking goats, and then producing the cheese. So, one day, he decided to try mating two cheeses, with great success. The result of breeding these two cheeses (Cheddar and Parmesan) was something to brag about. This farmer dubbed the new cheese "Chedsan," and was delighted of it's taste. He now knew what he was going to do for a living: breed cheese. Later that day he set off to his wife's brother's ex-wife's daughter's (lesbian) girlfriend's house to show her his new creature...(?)... and possibly get a little something extra, if you know what I mean.

The First Farm

It just so happened that a young teenager fresh from surgery walked into this Gnomish farmer on a trip to the store to get some cheese. Seriously, he was so high from the painkillers he was on, that he knocked the little farmer over. I quote this teen as saying "Holy mother of Hell!! You're one funny looking goat!" (The Gnome was wearing a goatskin jacket) "Like, wow, dude. What the hell are you? And is that cheese you're carrying? I could go for some cheese right about now. It helps with my hallucinations of raising tiny Christina Johanson monsters."

Now this child loves cheese. He would go through about two pounds of cheese a week, and surprisingly didn't suffer from constipation. The Gnome showed the teen his "Chedsan" cheese, which was then stolen; because, honestly, what the hell is a Gnome going to do to a teenager strung out on painkillers and is a good three feet taller than a Gnome? After seeing this new creation of cheese, this child henceforth ran directly home (he forgot his desire to actually buy more cheese) and set up a small paddock in his yard for the cheese.

• The Next Day

It just so happens our teenager was talking to his friends on the MOAG game, Runescape, the day prior to his escapade to the store for cheese about raising cheese on a cheese farm (that's a lot of cheese). Never underestimate the powers of teenagers on drugs, THEY ARE COMPLETELY RETARDED! Who on earth, in their right mind, would dream up a freakin' cheese farm???? This kid, that's who. Now, he already had plans of his own for growing cheese, and this new cheese was the start of his journey into the world of being a Cheeser (Cheese Farmer). Armed with "Chedsan," he began to experiment with other original cheeses to produce offspring. He produced "Mozzarjack," "Montebleu," "Riccolone," and "Limboisses," probably the worse smelling cheese anybody could ever imagine.

What is a kid going to do with his new found glory of producing the most bizarre cheese? Make sure nobody else can breed cheese and hide it from the rest of the world of course! How arrogant this child is....

Concealing His Farm

Okay, question. How is a teenager hyped up on drugs going to hide the fact that he has trillions (yes, trillions) of cheeses the size of small ostriches roaming around in his yard?

The Answer: By disguising them as chickens. But they are not ordinary chickens. These are fox-retardant, Kevlar suits each specifically designed to identify each individual cheese. They were also bathed in Harry Potter's pet dragon's blood (yes, Harry has a pet dragon in this kid's world) to give them the extraordinary power of teleportation.

Teleportation?!?!

Don't go getting your panties in a bunch over teleportation. It is only for the cheese, and not your sorry as... I mean not for you. The only places they can teleport to are as follows:

Hogwarts: So they can have the house-elves in the kitchens put charms on them to reproduce faster than rabbels (rabbit/squirrels) to ensure the teenager never runs out of cheese.

Antarctica: To steal the regurgitated food from the penguins so they can become even more foul smelling than ever before.

The Shire: Honestly, the fact that this isn't really a major part of this story, I cannot explain why on earth they can teleport there other than wanting to be bored to death, or to get eaten by those drunk little bastard Hobbits.

Gnomish Goat Farmer's House: The teenager wanted to taunt this poor fellow. Seeing as he patented breeding cheese (I cannot tell you how this ever passed in the Patent's Office), the Gnomish Goat Farmer was now back to having to do his cheese production the long way again. Don't worry, he'll be back for his revenge, maybe...

Lactose Intolerant Nursing Home: The only reason they teleport to this Nursing home is because these people really, really, really wish they could eat milk products. These poor suckers get so pissed off that there's cheese teleporting in and out of the Nursing Home, and they can't freakin' eat any of it!

Magical Leopluradon: The Magical Leopluradon is going to guide them to Candy Mountain so they can have all the sweets they can eat. If you don't believe in Candy Mountain, then they will shun the nonbeliever. Shuuuun. Shhhhhhhhhhhuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnn. "Candy Mountain. Candy Mountain. Fill me with sweet sugary goodness."

His Neighbors

Cheese is used in manufacturing ninja weaponry.

How are you to block a farm full of cheese from people that live right next to you? By imbuing your property with such atrocities that they're scared for their lives of looking over the twenty-five million.... nanometer.... high fence made entirely of Britney Spears' CDs. CDs that have been used as shotgun targets for Southern Rednecks drunk from moonshine (I have nothing against these people by the way, as I am currently in relations with a woman from Texas). Also, there are speakers every five feet along this fence that play only the moans of women from various porn DVDs, only to horrify those that get interested when they suddenly start emitting obscenities and that the person/people standing next to the fence are masturbating in public so loud that people a mile down the road can hear it.

Now you may be wondering: Won't that draw too much attention to this person's house?

The answer is no. To further ensure that his house is completely ignored, he has electric fields surrounding the premises so strong that the United States Government classified it as "unsafe for any living creature to live within" due to the amounts of radiation the place produces (do not question my physics and chemistry here, it's just... weird). Luckily, the drugged up teenager that raises tiny Christina Johanson monsters and breeds many cheeses is not affected by the radiation. Lord Voldemort has cast some serious Dark Magic so the boy can live inside the area. I have no ending for this as of now, so I take a small bow.

The Actual Pasture

• We welcome back our Gnomish Goat Farmer, for a short period of time.

Pissed though he was about losing the biggest dream of his life, the Gnomish Goat Farmer decided that he'd hop a ride back to the severely-in-need-of-rehab-from-prescription-drugs teenager's Cheese Farm. Being that he's about the size of the cheese, the teleportation did not backfire and he was able to make it safely there. Once in the pasture, he was shocked at how large this field was, being that it has only been two days since losing his "Chedsan" (ironic how fast things got accomplished here). Sensing that there was an unbalance in the Force, the billion-trillions (told you they multiply fast) of cheeses immediately attacked the Gnomish Goat Farmer. It was unexpected, and therefore he could not set forth on his plan to get revenge at this point. Luckily, he knows some magic of his own and was able to teleport out of the area before dying (he had lost his overshield, and he jumped away from the mold grenades just in time). Poor, short, retarded Gnome....

• What's in this pasture?

Before I reveal the contents of this field, we need some background info on the teenager that-suffers-from-massive-amounts-of-prescribed-drugs-for-the-surgery-that-he's-not-sure-why-he-had-it-in-the-first-place-but-is-now-on-awesome-drugs. He's rich. Flat-out, filthy, stinking rich. Prior to this Cheese Farm, he made a living from selling toy frogs that would turn your enemies into tea cozies with shocking pink lace. It earned him millions of dollars, yet he's only a teenager. Lucky kid...

Now the pasture is 200 square acres of open field. Right in the center of it is a pond, fathoms deep, filled with cottage cheese mixed with the alcoholic mixed drink Red Death (those of you that don't know, it's about 70% pure alcohol, so I'm told) and fed by about twenty-four streams, each containing one of the 6 ingredients or so for Red Death. The rest of the field is basically empty, except for the tables of butter and beds made of jell-o strewn across the land. So you can imagine, all these cheeses roaming around, drunk as all Hell half the time, eating butter and romping in the beds. Quite a place to be, if you're a type of cheese. And, in every corner, is a list of the "2 Commandments" of George Carlin: "Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie" and "thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they pray to a different invisible man than you."

• The Beds/Romping/Nursery

Where would we be without sex? Probably still in the big mixing bowl called evolution. The same goes for these cheeses. They need the best of the best of fornication toys in order to properly conceive a new baby cheese, and not to mention massive vibrations from music. So, how to get the vibrations from music? The beds made of jell-o are built on top of sub woofers, playing the musical combination of Barry White and Dragonforce, to encourage speedy reproduction. It is only natural to have a suave voice singing over top of thrash metal for these cheeses to fornicate, although every once in a while you will hear some of Ted Nugent's "Wang Tang Sweet Poontang."

Now that takes care of the beds and romping. But, what about the nursery? Technically, the nursery is not part of the pasture. It is, in fact, in the so-drugged-up-that-he-doesn't-know-what-day-it-is-or-month-or-year-or-anything-else-that-would-be-of-any-relevance-to-living-except-for-the-fact-that-he-owns-a-cheese-farm teenager's basement. There, the tiny cheeses (about the size of squirrel poop if you could see it) live happily in the pools of Mana from dead WoW n33bs. The Mana is what speeds up their recovery rate after sex, so they can have an orgasm every 1.17x10^(-9billion) seconds once fully matured. After only five seconds in the Nursery, the baby cheeses are fully grown and ready to be sent into the pasture.

THE BREEDS OF CHEESE

A Cheese guitar

Now, since there are over nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, million, billion, trillion, trillion types of cheeses by now, it'll be impossible to list every single cheese. So, we'll go with a little less than ten of the more distinct varieties/breeds of cheese. These words are directly from the over-drugged-for-a-simple-surgery-yet-there-is-about-twenty-different-types-of-prescriptions-all-for-easing-pain-so-much-that-there-is-a-very-good-chance-that-comas-will-be-a-side-effect-very-soon-if-the-doctors-don't-stop-giving-out-painkillers-like-candy-to-people-that-don't-even-need-them-anymore-but-got-five-refills-on-the-bottles-each-for-100-pills teenager one day while he was actually sober (somewhat). Pronunciations are completely up to you, as it's better to hear people talking about something and be making a complete ass of themselves by mispronunciation. (Note: The cheese in the parenthesis are parent cheeses, and are of the types of cheese that actually exist, except for the Super Cheese.)

"Chedsan" (Cheddar & Parmesan)

The Creme de le crem of cheese. Other cheeses want to be this cheese. They want to soak up the Royal Mana that only this cheese can have, which is acquired from the very high level Arcane Mages in WoW that piss people off so much that there's a mass riot and the end of the World... of Warcraft... is very close. Only by killing tiny mice that seem to thrive on the Royal Mana pools does this cheese get to be a high enough level to enjoy romping around with every other of its kind in sight. There's a big consideration of filming this massive orgy and putting it on the internet, but it's unclear as to if it's a good idea or not. It also gets a regular Hummer from the prostitutes that live next to the farm, contracting ever known STD because these prostitutes are raunchy as hell, but they are the most attractive women in the world, so it evens out. Other than that, there's nothing special about this breed. Honestly, it tastes like a Mountain Troll's unwashed trousers that have been soaking in formaldehyde underneath a cockatrice that has no legs and one human hand.

"Mozzarjack" (Mozzarella & Pepper Jack)

Deep from the depths of Loch Ness's foul beast Nessie's bowels, comes a creature so evil, we cannot bear to mention its name. But, somehow, the teen with multiple-heart-and-liver-failures-due-to-overdosing-on-pain-killers-that-the-doctors-repeatedly-keep-prescribing-him-for-no-reason-at-all-and-still-haven't-lost-their-medical-licenses-while-the-kid-is-too-stupid-to-sell-some-of-his-drugs-for-even-more-money-than-he-has-possibly-quadrupling-his-wealth-from-all-the-medications-he-owns found a way to get this creature onto his farm to induce the mating ritual between the parent cheeses to create Mozzarjack: The Evil Cheese. This creature fondles the balls of Pepper Jack with slimy toenails from Julius Caesar's wife, while whispering obscenities to Mozzarella to get it horny. Then, at the last second, the creature bites Pepper Jack, injecting it with semen that will carry on into the baby cheese's DNA, making it so EVIL that Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy can't stand up to it without wetting their already wet pants even more.

"Montebleu" (Monterey Jack & Bleu)

Known as the "Gay" Cheese, for the various colors it seemed to have gotten from swimming in the Mana pools as an infant cheese. Its colors consist of: white, off-white, blue, teal, beige, periwinkle, magenta, violet, brown, light brown, pink, shocking-pink, black, off-black, yellow, silver, gold, purple, pastel-green, forest-green, and tan. Not every cheese came out completely hetero, but none is as flamingly bisexual as this one. If you thought Freddy Mercury was a little strange (even though he is the best gay-rockstar in the universe), then you're in for a surprise. Montebleu wears a chicken suit that is not only completely spandex, but it also has a dildo on the inside that is inserted into its rectum for functioning purposes. It will only listen to Aaron Carter, Gay-Street... uh, Backstreet Boys, (not) N'Sync, and Britney Spears. The choice of drink for it, since it refuses to have Red Death, is an Apple-tini, with those frilly umbrellas that come with your drink. While it has all of these preferences, if you do anything so as to suggest it's gay, it'll whip out its shotgun, chase you out of the farm, and stick you with a plasma grenade as soon as you get through the gate. This cheese is strictly on a diet for female sexual intercourse, since this is the only breed that is always male, though some might think otherwise.

"Limboisses" (Limburger & Epoisses)

One of the most foulest smelling cheeses out there. Pepe Le Pu would go crazy over this cheese, more than that poor innocent cat he's always trying to seduce. The cheese actually looks like a skunk, but with a very bad case of diarrhea. For some reason, millions of squirrels decided that this cheese will be their toilet. They set their asses to all teleport their mysterious poop right onto this cheese. Flies constantly swarm around it, giving them the nickname of "lands," because they land more than they fly around this cheese. People that have come in contact with this breed claim to have lost: fingers, hair, teeth, lungs, livers, temporal lobes in the brain, sense of time, and urethra tubes. Eating the cheese requires a flamethrower, Mustard Gas to kill the cheese, anti-sea-rhinoceros underpants, a Mexican strapped to your back, and a solid 24k Gold spork with "Alles haile Taylor Rain" engraved on the handle.

"White American Douchefag" (White American & Camembert)

Named for the Gnomish Goat Farmer- although the Gnome is from Islandor, the teen wants to rub it in his face that it's American now- this cheese isn't too bad. It has the flavor of soft-ripened Camambert, and the very distinct aftertaste of American cheese. The chicken disguise of this spectacular cheese has feathers that come only from Gyr Falcons of the age of 3 years, raised by jaguars in the swamps of Detroit, and fed primarily on deep fried Okra and Conch Fritters. Anything else will end up completely killing this cheese. Even the other cheeses on this farm will kill this cheese, and all they want to do is give it the date-rape drugs so they can film it at night being taken advantage of by a real chicken, or else some lonely porn star that was upset there's no dogs or horses on this farm to jack-off, so she decided to do it to the cheese instead.That's about it, for the parent cheese just did not feel like romping in the first place, and the Gnomish Goat Farmer isn't their favorite person. Hence, they did a half-ass job and came up with this half-ass breed that is pathetic.

"Needza Newknows" (Limboisses & Ponster L'Evace)

Get it? Needs a New Nose. This is the Super Cheese, as it's more commonly known as. You're gonna wish you could never smell after coming in contact with this cheese. The mating ritual to produce this spectacular cheese makes it rarer than the pandas at the zoo having sex. The jell-o has to be a 3:1 mix of Absolut Vodka and water in a watermelon gelatin mix, and a sub woofer the exact size of 47.03125" in diameter, with Barry White signing "Nasty Ho" by Muck Sticky, over the background music of "Rain" and "To The Rats" by Trivium simultaneously. If anything is off even by just one thousandth of a nanometer, the Limboisses will spontaneously combust and turn into a midget with a very serious case of German Sodomy, while the Ponster L'Evace will sprout tentacles all over and try to commit suicide by decapitation with an olive fork, only to find out it's too slow, so it'll just teleport to The Shire as a sexy Hobbit prostitute and live the remaining 3 hours of its life sucking, licking, fondling, cobbling, corn-holing, and nibbling with every Hobbit there.