Chav culture

This article may be Overly British

Americans may not understand humour, only humor. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing to remedy this.

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The lifestyle followed by many lower-class individuals was originally created by a Mr. God as the world's most extreme hoax. The joke is based around people who have such little money stealing items of jewelry shaped plastic and other possessions and claiming they 'bought it, init'. Other running jokes include unnecessary violence and dates at the McDonald's fast-food restaurants. Chavs are usually found in British council estates, or boxes on the street.

Clothing and Accessories

Chav clothing is often constructed of cheap materials, most of which are found in household rubbish bins. Tracksuits carrying brand-names (usually cut out from magazines and stuck on with cheap glues) such as Nike, Adidas, Lonsdale, Reebok and others are common. Training shoes, often called trainers or 'treds', are worn. These shoes are usually white with built-in stains of mud and canine faeces. A baseball cap, often made from stolen Burberry material, is worn at 90 degrees to the conventional manner and is held there with chewing gum. No underwear is worn as they have no genitals to hide, (or at least they are microscopic).

Females wear skirts that purposely reveal any underwear they may (or may not) be wearing. Females wear underwear more often than males as the pubic area resembles that of true genitals and may offend humans, however this has no sexual properties (chav females have the ability to clone themselves, often in great quantities). They usually wear similar tracksuits to males or fleeces carrying the same fake brand names. The female tops usually show most or all of the 'breasts'. Otherwise, females wear the same as males.

Alongside the usual attire, jewelry (often called 'bling') is worn. This is usually stolen or look-alike plastic items purchased for a few pence at primark or pound land. Males wear typically female (in normal society) items including necklaces, ear-rings and rings. Usually made of fool's gold, these are made to look like actual gold jewellery.

Females wear ear-rings that are often large bangles stapled to their ears. Their necklaces often are long enough to draw even more attention to their bra-less chests. Females do this as they need to attract male attention (although this is usually unsuccessful) as they are a personified chav factory.

More often than not they will be driving around in Citreon C2, registraion place '57. It will have a white top and easily identifiable by the 'Golden Arches' on the top. The smell of McDonald's will lure you to follow, although you may be distracted by the rubbish that is blow backwards via the life-support-machine breathing passenger. The driver its self maybe recognisable as making a popular appearance on 'Little Britain' playing Vikky Pollard, you may wonder if it is a fat man in a suit but no she is just that ugly.

Cars

Chavs are often found riding stolen cars from the 80's round in circles on council estates or other residential areas, usually late at night (The Chav is a nocturnal creature), sometimes using their 'pimped out ride' to burn rubber. This releases a large cloud of smoke, which groups of Chavs have been seen to run into after the car has departed, and then jump around, flapping their arms around. It is unknown why the Chav performs this action, however it is believed to either be a mating ritual or call, an attempt to look hard, or an attempt to get high.

Vauxhall Nova

A Chav's main mode of transportation is a Vauxhall Nova. Today, all Vauxhall Novas are bought by Chavs and they are rarely seen in their original factory condition. The reason of the use of Novas is unknown but chavologists believe it is because they are cheap, ugly and have enough passenger space for their pregnant 14 year old girl friend, £50,000 worth of heroin and a sub woofer typically seen in movie theaters and rap concerts. The Vauxhall Nova, although crap, is quite resilient to the constant vibrations of a 1000w sub woofer. A chav will often attempt to modify his car in an attempt to improve it and impress other chavs. Such modifications include:

• Huge exhausts that let out a deep noise letting everyone in a 20 mile radius know the car is running
• Blue lights attached EVERYWHERE
• Stickers of such car performance companies like K&N, Greddy and the like (no performance modifications installed)
• Ugly body kits that do not last long as they are so low to the floor they get caught on speed bumps and slight hills

Vauxhall novas will typically be seen at 3am in asda car parks blasting out music and doing handbrake turns. They are also seen at traffic lights attempting to race cars that clearly have a much more power. The other drive can sometimes win these races without knowing that they are participating in one, since the nova typically has the same horsepower as the average electric toothbrush.

Below is an average vauxhall nova, overloaded with cheap parts meant for other cars.

Attitude

Chavs are generally friendly creatures, but are compelled to terrorize higher society. This is enforced by Mr. God's stereotyping committee.

Violence

Chavs often enjoy being violent when bored. They often use excuses like 'looking funny' or 'looking at my girlfriend' (chavs do not have girlfriends, they are not loyal creatures, they usually attempt to mate with several females before remembering they have no reproductive organs). Chavs may give the appearance of 'being hard', but due to the lack of penises, are actually quite wimpish. If fought back, they often retreat to their 'mummykins'. d

Music

Out of chav cars, one can often hear a simplistic and sysnthesised bass-drum rhythm, usually created by a computer, proving that chavs actually have brains, even if only small ones. This bass-drum rhythm is normally also accompanied by fast talking (known as rapping - always includes swearing as a good example to the children) a prostitute 'singing' the same words repeatedly and occasionally a repetative thumping 'melody'. Often given several names including 'hip-hop', 'pop', 'dance music' and 'rnb'. However, it is quite impossible to dance to this music (jumping up and down in time with the 'bass drum' has replaced dancing in this case) and rnb is definitely not rhythm 'n' blues, but it will 'pop' your ear-drums at the excessive volumes this is usually heard at. The subject of the music usually focuses around sex primarily, or drugs, violence or other chav pastimes. This is done to set a good example to their offspring.

This is not actually a form of music, merely an annoying sound similar to that used in forms of Chinese torture, and is designed with a similar purpose.

Drug and Alcohol Abuse

Most chavs can be found vomiting after one bottle of any alcoholic drink. Usually males will drink cheap drink (due to lack of money) such as Fosters or 'Tesco Value' Lager, whereas the up-market chavs will go for Stella Artios. Females will usually drink pure vodka or similar spirits in order to vomit quicker. This is a must if you want to look 'hard', the more you vomit the 'harder' you look. Both sexes will often also drink softer 'alcopops' as they cannot handle the usual alcoholic drinks such as bitter, Lager (true lager at least), cider or whiskey. If expensive drinks are desired actions such as theft will be taken.

An assortment of illegal drugs are often taken, often to look hard. In some cases crushed mints, washing powder, self-raising flour or sherbert may be used to emulate cocaine or other powdered drugs.

Language

A brief translation of common chav words or phrases (these use more formal spellings, chavs usually abbreviate words or add numbers into speech as they never learned to spell);

• Mush - mushy peas, especially with fish 'n' chips
• Cacker - a person with bowel problems
• Dordey - a wooden door, often one they've just broken into
• Innit - a reference to something within an object such as a box
• Mate - a potential sexual partner
• Ride - a country activity involving horses
• Bling - the noise a Chinese phone makes when it rings
• I'll deck you - take you on board a sailing yacht for a holiday
• What you looking at? - I'm sorry, but I'm trying to hide my homosexual attraction for you

Chav talk often included excessive swearing, this is because they see it as a formal addition to a conversation.