Cats and spoons
“Meow”
Cats are known to be highly addicted to spoons. This is because, "OOOOH! SHINY! And- BAM! Now you're high on 39 different levels! Kittens LOVE this stuff. They LOVE it, trust me on that thought, You see that image? Yeah, THAT one -->
Do you know what the image depicts? EVIL, A kitten (More so an adorable tabby kitten) gets hold of a spoon, what could POSSIBLY go Wrong? He is PISSED. He is getting WITHDRAWLS for what I may add? SPOONS, Now you might be asking, “What’s so bad about Spoons?” You may add, Well, the bad part is they are coated with a Drug called Imagination, Now what’s Imagination? Its a substance that makes you feel…Childlike whimsy and joy, (Side-effects contain Unicorns, Rainbows, and Happiness.) Actually…It's OKAY if you take a MODERATE dose of Imagination , but Kittens takes this to a WHOLE ANOTHER LEVEL. They Lick and Lick Spoons About 79% More than the average Non-Lethal dose of Imagination. Now this would be acceptable because of how DAMN cute these lil farts are, But, Its nearly unknown how Kittens Handle Over 79% more than the healthy dose. Kittens who accidentally licked 80% More than the healthy dose, (80% is around the Lethal dose,) The Lethal dose is what the kitten named Jimmy Sock yet, Jimmy Sock was reported to be taking such an intensive dose of Imagination, that his head Asploded. This is why they should be monitored when near Spoons. I mean, do you really want your cats head to spontaneously combust? Not something i would let happen, so read the article will ya?
Health complications[edit | edit source]
Now it’s not perfectly safe to do even 78%, yet:
So it’s all fun and games until a kitty accidentally takes 79.1% More than the Non-Lethal dose, and he passed out, threw up rainbows, pooped up cupcakes, and peed out Orange juice. Those Side effects are the consequences of taking even a gram more than 79% of it.
A lot of people have decided to speak on the topic
“He ASPLODED!”
– Lil Jimmy
“Wow, he dead!”
– Jumbo
Now Lil’ Jimmy is right about this statement indeed, as in we asked him, and nearly 30 minutes later his kitten started barfing rainbows, pooping cupcakes, and peeing orange juice
Apparently, they left the utensils cupboard open. Knowing this, it kinda makes sense their house looked like what it did afterwards, for once i have never seen a house with:
- Cracked Windows
- Cracked Windows computer
- Cracked Toilet
- Cracked Fridge
- Cracked Couch
- Cracked Table's
- Cracked potted Plants
Alongside that absolute disaster, almost every Spoon in the entire house was either Bent, cracked, broken, Rusty, and last but not least Smelly! Now, all this would be perfectly fine if they just used Fork's, the second thing to solve this problem is: just get one of those cat scratching towers or whatever, it would work, pleasantly.
(Noteː i think the cat got psychic powers from the amount of imagination he had)
How to avoid spoons[edit | edit source]
The easiest way to avoid ANY spoons (or at least to get them away from kittens). This is a guide on how to get rid of ANY access to spoons (or to at the very least get them away from your kittens) (I mean, and away from your cats too)
Easy steps[edit | edit source]
The easiest steps are these, even a Toddler could do, except a baby, a baby can
This also contains a story about how they became a dealer
The most common type of Spoon exposure is Spoon dealing, this is how you can stop it, Now the easiest way to spot a spoon dealer is when you see a cat (usually a orange tabby) with dark sunglasses, this is so they can hide their identity from Psychics, Now since the Psychics might not read their eyes does not mean they can not do Lipstick kisses, (a form of psychic reading) Although Lipstick kisses only work on female Spoon dealers, as they commonly wear it to be more Romantic which commonly sweeps in more customers, The problem then is to identify if they are a Spoon dealer, or if their owner just wants to protect their eyes, This is a common mistake that often happens when innocent Kittens are in costume and they escape either through their owner accidently letting them out with the Dog, and/or when a owner leaves a window open with a accessible Couch in front,(commonly with a short couch so they can pass through the window,) and sadly, this leaves them stranded, without a Litter Box, and without a Parent to help them in dire need, This leaves the kitten with two options: Live a life of adventure, or live a life of crime, They must choose carefully, or they might be food for a coyote, wolf, mountain lion, bear, bobcat, alligator, eagle, lion, owl, hawk,- Alright this is getting extreme, but you get what I’m trying to say right? If they wrongfully choose a life of crime, they are doomed to either be a stray, or a Catnip dealer, or maybe even a Spoon dealer, yet that always leads them to the wrong path in life. If they choose a life of adventure then… they could be a stray, a cafe cat, they could even be Adopted by a new owner, or they could optionally go on a quest to find their old owner, or fight their way back in, (mainly targeting people who see missing posters of them) so they can go back to their safe home.
Harder steps[edit | edit source]
These ones are things that take slightly more effort to actually work.
This also contains ways to convert stray dealers back into normal, functioning, and healthy Kittens, (also contains most popular dealers to avoid)
Now there are less common ways Kittens use to pick up a spoon hit, these techniques are commonly used by Cats, knowing now that they are older, they are more mischievous than their younger counterparts. Commonly Kittens and/or Cats use phone communication, most commonly with the specific types of brick phones such as: “Motorola DynaTAC 8000x”, and “Panasonic C-Series” they sometimes use the “Nokia 5110” and “Nokia 3210” or “Motorola StarTAC” But more uncommon being: “Nokia 9000 Communicator” and “IBM Simon”, alongside the specific selection they rarely use the more modern “Motorola RAZR V3’‘’”‘’’ And “BlackBerry’‘’”,‘’’ and last but not least the “Sony Ericsson Walkman”, It is almost entirely unknown why they commonly use vintage cellphones, the modern ones (The Sony Ericsson Walkman, BlackBerry, etc.) are known to be bought by rich Catnip dealers, The most well known of them being: “mittens” “cutie” and well known brute: “little ribbon”, Of the more niche ones on the market contain mainly stray Cats that got stuck in the business after 1.Escaping a adoption center, or 2.leaving owner (can be on accident), This is why there is such a massive market of Spoon dealers, and Catnip dealers. The most common way to avoid them is to lock your Doors and Windows. Another safety precaution is keeping most Telephones away from your cat. A way to convert dealers back into their normal happy Kitten/Cat lives is by carefully removing their sunglasses and grabbing their Telephone, afterwards it’s a good idea to teach them morals, and after all the steps are done, send them to a humane Cat Shelter, Now they will be ready to be presentable to the world once again. Things to note are: Be careful not to accidentally lick one of their Spoons on accident, and also be incredibly careful when converting them. If they hiss at you, you have effectively failed. But even if they do hiss, it's still possible, but it will contain more trial and error trying to get them to like you. Getting them to like you is VERY important to the conversion process. If you do not. Then you have failed a couple of extra expansions to the process: 1. Ask them if they know (Your cat's name here) 2. engage friendly conversation. 3. handshake, and they begin the process of converting them to normal Cats with persuasion. 4, You have finished, have fun with your new fluffy friend!
(Noteː "Why the hell would a cat use a brick phone???" -random person
Hardest steps[edit | edit source]
These ones take more effort than all the others,
This also contains ways to stop a Kittens head from Asploding if it has already had a lethal dose of Imagination, alongside teaching your cats that there are other paths in life other than Spoons.
So this is the most complicated of the guides, containing the most content out of the 3, Now let’s get started…If a Spoon dealer somehow sneaks in without permission with the other 2 guides active, this is what to do If you see one of them, quickly take the Spoon and Neutralize/wash off the Imagination from the spoon, afterwards, You need to pet the dealer and your Cat, (This is to reduce hostility from both sides) And give them one cat biscuit, Cut the cat biscuit, give one half to each side, Dealer and Cat, after you do this, they should be eating their biscuits happily, after they are both done eating, Introduce them to a Zucchini, Now After they eat the Zucchini, Have them exercise for a bit, afterwards tell them a speech on why you shouldn’t do Catnip, or Spoons, Now after this, you can keep the dealer as a pet, unless they scratch you, then instead just call a Animal shelter. Now to the part about preventing your Kittens head from Asploding, The first step is check if they took a lethal dose of Imagination, or if they are just having a Headache, If its confirmed they took a lethal dose of Imagination, Then race to find any sort of fork, Now a way to make the fork more helpful is dipping it in Milk, Dipping it in milk will satisfy the cat and make them calm for what’s to come, (If they are allergic, Use soy milk!) Now find the most boring thing imaginable, this can go from: “Going to the DMV, The experience,” “office job mayhem!, now including filling people's taxes!” “Wait in line at check-out Simulator”, If you own any of these applications, immediately show them to your Cat, this will the Imagination Substance bored, (with the total lack of imagination included in said games) If you do not have that, Read your cat any of the " [so and so] For Dummies!" or Read a “Dictionary” to your cat, if you do not have any of those, show your cat a live video of a average boring desk job, If you do all, or any, of these actions, the Imagination will be neutralized by just how boring the contents are, (after this guide you might have to wait 3 days for your cat to fully recover) And after 3 Days your cat will know a important life lesson: “Don’t Do Spoons, only use them for food,” -former Spooner cupcake the kitten, And that wraps up the 3rd and most important guide.
How to stop cats from Spoons[edit | edit source]
It's really easy, lock your appliance drawers, but it's also important to get your cat fixated on a new, more healthy (or not) hobby. It's a pretty big difference when a former longtime Catnip addict (Mr. Mittens HIMSELF, by the way) quit, and then his life turned around. He started playing on his computer for fun, he started trying Ball (the game you psychopaths.), and he even tried playing outside, and catching mice. He even said, quote: “Meow, meow meow…Purrr…” -Mr. Mittens, this quote is incredibly influential in stopping Catnip and Spoon altogether. Now scientists such as Mr. Pickles have said more about the side effects of both drugs, I quote: “Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow mew, Mew mew mew…Meow…Meow meow, Purrrrr…” From what has been researched so far, Newly found side effects contain: “Barfing Sparkles”, “intense hallucinations of unicorns and kitties in a field of magical sunflowers”, And so far that’s all that has been collected from the most recent studies within the category of: “threats to kitten kind”, More News will be released later on about side effects from volunteers (Mainly addicts), some were asked about what they experienced, Test subject number one (Fluffy) “MeOw MeeOOOw…MeEEEOOWOWOW!..PurRrR…MEOW MEOW MEEEEOOOWW!!!” and that is all that was actually informative, We asked a highly intelligent kitten to translate and this is what he wrote: “Oh…I feel like I’m going insane!..shiver…I WAS SEEING- UNDESCRIBABLE THINGS!!!” Other professional Cat Mrs. Fluffball said that the translation is 86.3% accurate. Now that we have scientific proof that it is highly dangerous, we can show the news article to kittens to teach the youth, alongside our new PSA: “Spoons aren’t for licking”. All this will cancel out this awful drug within a couple months. (well closing it off from the general public.) But the Famous dealers need to be converted back into normal kind and sweet Cats as they once were to stop EVERYONE from it. (kinda)
The secret spooning societies[edit | edit source]
There is a large community of Spooner's that is pretty underground to common knowledge, But it mainly consists Of stray Kitties and Cats Alike, In a no-man's-land, Kitties remain... These towns forever remain violent and uncertain to ever recover back to societies standards, The City is constantly covered in used Catnip and Spoons, One of the most Rebellious (now retired) Kitty gangster / former Catnip dealer Mr. Ribbons grew up in that city, He was the first to "I can Haz cheezburg'd" (finding a cheezburger in no-man's-land) He was the first to find a fresh Cheezburger since 1916, (when the city was started) The first EVER Kitten to find a Cheezburger in that city was Mr. Richard the 2nd, a prominent Kitten in the cities history. Yet The very first gangster to arrive in the city was "Wilbur" he was a Orange Tabby cat that started the crime history of the 1930's, it took the Kitten police over 5 years to catch Wilbur, He has since been released after his 3 year sentence, Afterward he started the very first gang of kitty city. "malicious mitten's" in 1937. Since then "malicious mitten's" has evolved, they forever remain at the top of the gangs founded after the fact. The members in "malicious mitten's" areː Mr. Mittens (retired), cucumber (Retired), Cupcake, Muffin (Current .co leader), Cookie (V.I.P), Mint, Brute (Bulldog), Smith (Veteran), Now there are a couple facts about the team, Now Brute is a Long time member that has been in "Malicious Mitten's" since 1993, And ever since, they have been trying to fix the city up, As of now, Brute has left and has started a new life in Dog duke, (a far away city) And the city is a No-mans-land, Most Kitties have long since left now as full grown Cats, They decided to abandon the town, but ever since "malicious mitten's" has shut down, The civilians have been left on Catnip and Spoons to survive, The residents have found abandon restaurants and are trying to conserve what's left of the long gone civilization that used to be in that area, The only research done has recommended around 4 survivors in the city left. This is because they have went through Insanity, and have stayed Insane, Sadly it remains unlivable remains of what used to be of a violent, gang filled, society, long beyond saving.
Yet out of the 4, 3 went insane and worshipped a non-existent religion called Spoonism, this in fact, does not exist, and it's got more of a demonic presence than Hell itself, They have already done 13 sacrifices, and there aren't any living things left in kitty city other than rats, So, i guess they sacrificed rats?
The demanding Market[edit | edit source]
With the constant demanding market of Spoons and Catnip, There is one problemː "we haz got no cheezburgerz" That's supply and demand for ya, cats stopped eating Cheezburgerz and changed to drugs like Catnip and Spoons, The Can i have cheezburger cat even tried to do a PSA on why "you should do Cheezburgerz, not spoonz" yet Spoons and Catnip still dominate the market, it is estimated that supply and demand is not smooth sailing. Currently supplies are running out after over consumption, and with more humans remembering to follow the 3 guides to eliminating Spoon and/or Catnip usage all together, The stock market has also crashed after CheezBurger ingredients sky rocketed in price after 1 milligram of Imagination was found in cheese.(1 milligram is the least lethal dose, as said by scientist Mrs. Pickles) Because of this, Scalper's bought pounds of the Imagination Cheese, because of this, now Cheezburgerz have become incredibly expensive, most might even first try them by taking them from a mansion's trash, Most Rich Kitties even endorse the Imagination Cheese, Its now most commonly sold by Reseller's who just want to get a quick buck. Before then, Most bought CheezBurgerz because of there juicy Pattie's, And also because of how healthy they had been compared to other competitors like Kitty-City-Cafe and also Cat-Sheriff, (Cat-Sheriff was incredibly close to beating Cheezburgerz but they went bankrupt before they could do so) while Kitty city was starting to become a gangsters cove had forced a chain reaction were Kitty-City-Cafe had to shut down alongside Kitty city itself, (of course that was when the city was entirely abandon.) Yet after Cat-Sheriff shut down, Cheezburgerz bought it out. After Cheezburgerz bought out Cat-Sheriff The Diner quickly lost its fame faster than when they had been (almost) shutdown, Because most people assumed that it was some sort of Publicity stunt, even though it was clearly bought out at the last second, After Cat-Sheriff was FULLY shutdown for good, Evidently Cheezburgerz took a little bit of Cat-Sheriff's legacy, But only the part were they are smooth sailing and- Dead. After Cheezburgerz was close to shutting down after the massive Stock Market crash, they had to hire a couple Cat Stockbroker's, This also started a popular jokeː "It was a Cat-tholic Miracleǃ" As it really was, It was fully expected by the post that Cheezburgerz would shut down at December 31st, Yet after stocks stabilized after the novelty wore off Cheezburgerz was kinda just left to be a throw away generic diner. Even though Cheezburgerz was not really going strong, it still kept in their audience for all this time, that is pretty extreme loyalty i tell ya
Stock market[edit | edit source]
After all, The Stock Market is a pretty important part of the history of Spoons so i decided to have this included as a category
History[edit | edit source]
Spoons used to have a minuscule amount of Imagination that could only affect Kittens, alongside the knowledge of Kittens being described asː "Silly rascals" "Nasty, Cruel Little Bastards" Also not to mention the God forsakenly Hellish, Devilish, Cruel, acts done by man kind when I QOUTE When a urban legend sparked about a old lady trying to "Dry off" Her kitten in the- wait for it...Microwaveǃ? Also about the start of Spoons, Now even before i even MENTION That Cats getting high on spoons is a stupid lie also there is a guide on how Imagination is made with...Imagination Is made TOTALLY made with unicorns rainbows, happy magic happiness sunflowersǃ And of course...the psychical embodiment of silly squashed into a liquid juice, alongside these ingredients is SO classified that no matter how much of silly kitty yo are you can never uncover it, NEVER. Actually, i'll just tell you it, what are they gonna do? SUE me for talking about a non-existent silly drugǃ So here it isː Hopes, Dreams, Hugs, Heaven on earth, A new whole another level of inner peace, and, i'll just spit it out, it's really just catnip and crushed hopes and dreams in reality, should've expected that huh? CURSE YOU EVIL KITTEN GOVERNMENTǃǃǃǃ ALWAY'S Redacting things meant for the general public's eye'sǃ Well i guess all we have left to know is that the Spoon drug was invented in 1914, (as seen on the stock chart,) The first sale was when Famous
Drug tester "Wilbur the 3rd" (cousin of Wilbur,) tried out a spoon and- Afterwards he gave a hand written explanation of the experience of getting a Spoon hit i quoteː "Meow meow meow meow meow meow, Meow meow meow, meowǃ Meow meow meow meow? Meow meow meow." For those reading who may not be affiliated with the language of Meow, here is translation done by famous Cat scientist, "Mrs. Pickles" Herselfː "Well done Mr. Wilbur, or rather Wilbur the first, I Cannot believe the substance of which contained in such metal packagingǃ Is it believable that such could be possibly dangerous if overdosed? If not, then well done, you have created the cure to the Catnip market." At the time Wilbur the 3rd did not know that it was highly dangerous either or in any way overdosed, actually, the ingredients listed above are actually the review of a angry factory worker so yes, indeed Imagination is made out of unicorns, rainbows, happiness, magic happiness sunflowers, And of course...the psychical embodiment of silly squashed into a liquid juice, To get the embodiment of silly, we need to speak about the process they used in 1914, the first step is usually finding a Silly out in the wild, Afterwards if it declares you worthy of silly, it gives you the liquid of silly. Now with the liquid of silly, combine it with a silly's feces', and you get the pure embodiment of silly, now if you find a second silly, (a female and male) then breed them to save the silly species, and bamǃ Your done, In it's unpopular state Vile Goons that lie under the depth's of early kitty city, most got a spoon hit by just stealing them, after they started a business, They founded a gang to beat up ANYONE who stole a spoon to a pulp. This gang was called "Cats of crime" and they were the most vicious in all of kitty city, they were more underground but- if they had to fight, they WOULD and they WOULD do it GOOD. (as in breaking a couple of your Bones, leaving you with a couple of cuts, and of course, a unconscious body, and a GIANT Pain in your back when you wake up, since then it shut down and kitty police started monitoring stolen Spoons, practically making the "Cats of crime" Club, fully irrelevant, its said some of the survivors in kitty city still think they are around, (knowing they have not seen civilization in years), Knowing that, Kitty city is highly dangerous today, it is advised to not go near it without a Kevlar Vest, Gasmask, and gloves, alongside other protection against substances, like boots.
The side-effects[edit | edit source]
the side effects of taking a Spoon hit can vary,
The most common of side-effects are mildly similar to that of Catnip
So here's how to recognize them, Actually, this won't be any help, because it's most likely you are to happy to try to read apparently, I'm talking to anyone reading this who is high on Spoons at the moment, Get outǃ
Now side effects of your cat taking a Spoon hit can vary, as said earlier, most common side-effects (that are documented currently) containː
"threw up rainbows, pooped up cupcakes, and peed out Orange juice," Documented by what happened to "jimmy sock"
"This is because they have went through Insanity, and have stayed Insane" Doccumented from "kitty city survivors"
"MeOw MeeOOOw.............MeEEEOOWOWOW!....PurRrR......MEOW MEOW MEEEEOOOWW!!!!" Documented from a catnip/spoon addict
Most side-effects documented contain "Kittens head almost asploding" "peeing orange juice, barfing rainbows, and pooped cupcakes" Alongside Going insane (while on the hit) And staying insane permanently (after a overdose/long term usage) And of course accidently making a entirely new religion called Spoonism after going insane (forever) and of course the newly found side effects containing: "Barfing Sparkles", "intense hallucinations of unicorns and kitties in a field of magical sunflowers" we have made a visualization of that scene as you see, that kitten is experiencing a short term form of Spoon hallucinations, As in "Seeing a magical sunflower field", (AKA the most common side-effect) Not much has been documented about the side-effects, but they are still a big part of the history of Spoons, even then, there is still a bad effect because of the amount of Silly entering the kitten's body. (mainly their cranium) And because of this, this is why they have the mild threat of their heads Asploding into two, (or five, or actually...a million)
Yet this is common knowledge, what's the effects on humans?
Effects of spoons on Humans[edit | edit source]
The effects of spoons on humans is way more dangerous than it is to Cats, around 78% more deaths happen from humans accidently doing lethal spoons, But, Baby's can actually take a infinite amount of Imagination, (Toddlers can only take EXACTLY 1,932,854.312 Imagination) Fun fact If a Toddler takes 1,932,854.313 or more...They explode, Instantly. (This was found out when lil timmy's intestin's came out when he pooped, and he exploded, his kull was shatterd, and he turned to blood suace)
NUMBER OF TODDLERS KILLED BY SPOONS[edit | edit source]
    
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(By the wayː this counts both kitten deaths and toddler deaths)
The number keeps growing, only YOU can save the ooga chaka babyǃ (He's Next if this problem isn't fixedǃ) wait, there's also a second counter, let me set this up-
Only YOU Can save CheezBurger before it's to late for kitty kind altogetherǃ Is there a reason the number is so fast? Pointː I faked the number for dramitic effect, the real number is 13% slower, so uh... Save kittens and toddlers 13% slower poepleǃ
Thank you[edit | edit source]
It's simple, just lock your spoons away people, i hope this article helped you, thanks to anyone who read this far, or who was that lazy, and just scrolled to the bottom without a care in the world, have fun typing, reading, whatever, ya know? See ya later, and i hope you remember this article.