UnBooks:All about pee (P)

“WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! That's not beer!”
~ Some guy on Budweiser

“Aw piss,Im piss,that jar is piss, EVERYTHING IS PISS”
~ sniper from tf2

"Highly" stylized book cover

Commonly used among hikers as a liquid hydrant, pee^[1], or piss, or urine as it is colloquially known, is a naturally-occurring form of ink used to write short phrases in snow or bathroom walls.

There is not a single person on this great planet of ours that has not tried pissing yellow liquid out of his penis, making it the fourth most popular choice of activities following sleeping, breathing, and eating.

Having to pee[edit | edit source]

Currently, France is making public urination a sport, with the attempt to get it entered as an event in the Summer Olympics.

Having to pee is a deadly and dangerous plague-like disease that almost all people will get at some point in their life. There is no cure for having to pee - one can only delay the inevitable. The disease will track you down. It will find you, and it will kill you.^[2]

Having to pee is one of the only things that has plagued mankind from the beginning of time.^[3] Renowned caveman scientist Ooaagoogogogogh first discovered the disease when walking home from his when he felt a strange, sinister urge down near his area.

There are many symptoms of having to pee. Many of these are simply your brain telling you to get off the couch and empty your bowls, but some of them are caused by the having to pee itself.

Panic attacks
Suffocation
Suicidal thoughts
Existential Angst
Automatically drinking beer
Playing "Daytona USA"
Doing the potty dance

There are probably more symptoms than this, but nobody cares enough to find out.

Stages of pee[edit | edit source]

Knowing the stages of having to pee is instrumental. They include, but are probably not limited to:

Denial: You deny the urge to pee. You continue to do whatever you are doing and "hold it in" camel-style.
Anger: You realize that you have to pee, and cannot ignore it forever. This makes you angry, as you are currently playing an video game and don't want to throw your match.
Peeing: You have waited for too long and have now peed yourself. But it won't be too messy if you're in a nursing home or wear diapers for the hell of it.

P the letter[edit | edit source]

P is the 72nd letter of the alphabet. It is widely known for being the raunchiest, naughtiest letter, most likely due to its association with the word "Pee." Various Christian family groups have been fighting to have the letter censored for over 50 years now, with varying success. The letter P made its first appearance in John Ash's 1775 A New and Complete Alphabet Book, listed as a "low" and "vulgar" letter. It wasn't until 1880, however, with the publishing of the D.H. Lawrence novel Lady Chatterdale's Lover, that the letter was extensively used for the first time. The letter immediately caused outrage upon its introduction to the English language due to the extensive giggling it caused (giggling was considered an outrage until the early 1940's). The letter P has also been proven to make people feel fat.

How to pee properly[edit | edit source]

NOTE: the following does not apply to pooping.

The proper way to pee with an erection.

Drink several cups of tea. If you don't like tea, cups of someone else's pee can be substituted under proper supervision (see the section: "How to drink pee (link)"). Five or six cups should do the trick, although one can of Mountain Dew has been proven to have the same effect. Straighten up your genitals and relax. Just let it loose. It should come out in a clear yellowish stream.

Main pee positions[edit | edit source]

How to pee in a toilet standing up, and down:

For men:[edit | edit source]

Up: Put seat up. Stand straight, aim and enjoy. Put seat down. Go "mmmm."

Down: Take a seat if you've had a long day. Take your penis and tuck it safely between your legs so it doesn't touch the toilet. Make sure it's done in a way you don't piss on yourself.

For women:[edit | edit source]

Up: (Also known as the "sit and squat") If you are at an unsanitary bathroom, or feel like straining yourself more at a clean bathroom. Simply squat (which might be misleading by the title, squatting is like sitting and standing at the same time) making sure you can aim where your pee will go, and that you aren't going to fall in the toilet or on the seat.

Down: Sit, let it gush out. Go "ahhh." Try not to orgasm. Stand You could just stand and pee. Just try not to let it go everywhere.

Chemical components of pee[edit | edit source]

Fairy dust
Uric acid
Pabst Blue Ribbon
Sunshine
Tinkle twinkle

Trinkle in the dark[edit | edit source]

A common difficulty experienced by urinators is getting pee into the toilet when it is dark. Experts recommend clipping a book light to your penis. Then, when you have to take a piss, just hit the button and turn it on. There you go, now you can see where your going and you won't get yelled at to clean up your mess. If you do make a mess the best way to remove pee from any surface is to rub the object or area with peanut butter, pour on some Coke, and let soak in thoroughly. Then use a cup to scoop up the soggy peanut butter and the pee stain will be gone! Shamwow! But just in case, you can always do a "favor" for whoever you live with: buy them a nice rug to cover up the mess and pray it doesn't smell. *Sniffs* ahhhh... fresh!

How to drink pee[edit | edit source]

Pee can almost always be easily accessed for self-consumption. Male mammals have the ability to aim this refreshing drink directly into their mouths, but most females might need a cup or funnel system.

Now that you've learnt how to pee, it's time to learn how to DRINK PEE!!!!! FUCK YEH! Madonna does it as she believes in recycling and adoption.

The Excaliber[edit | edit source]

This excellent pee-based cocktail, once drunk by the Knights of the Round Table, can be recreated with the following recipe:

3 oz. Dom Perignon, or other fine champagne
3 oz. single-malt scotch
2 oz. sherry
A dash of butter
Handful of sea salt
Freshly squeezed lemon juice (no pun intended)

Combine all ingredients in a highball glass and consume immediately. Then add crushed ice to the empty glass, wait one to two hours, and pee into the glass. Consume this as well.

Le Toilet[edit | edit source]

Another popular way to drink pee is as follows:

4 cups of pee (best if yellow)
8 oz. vodka
2 oz. spit
8 g peanut butter

Mix the pee, vodka, and spit in a large punchbowl, stirring gently. Slowly blend in peanut butter. I know this sounds gross, butt try it.

The magic of yellow[edit | edit source]

Trés art.

Urinating, pissing, and in some circles, "leaking" has a long-standing tradition of beauty, and most importantly, it is the source of all the natural power in the universe. In 1492, when President George W. Bush was first inaugurated, pee was his first beverage in the White House.
The majority of the world's pee can be found diluted in sewage, sea-water, or in your nearest neighborhood public swimming pool.
Some individuals in the music industry, particularly fans of Black Sabbath, KISS, and R. Kelly often enjoy refreshing splashes of pee in their face from time to time while attending the concerts of these artists.
Peeing in public places can be another way of greeting people, and it is especially polite if you "shake" in their face.
Pee is a common ingredient in lemon snowcones, which are usually given to drunks or "hammered persons" who believe they are merely enjoying a lemon snowcone while spending the night in the drunk-tank.

Recycled pee and super powers[edit | edit source]

Several doctors bragging honorary degrees from "Happy Harry's Honorary Degree Emporium" have recently determined that super human strength, speed, and smell can be gained by recycling pee. One can recycle pee either by drinking pee, freebasing pee, or applying pee crystals directly to the forehead. Dr. Steve Jobbs claimed to have all these powers as a result of consuming his own pee. We are unable to confirm this claim, however, since Dr. Steve died during the testing of his theory regarding recycled pee and flight.

In Film[edit | edit source]

Ahhhh... Sweet relief.

Remember when Adam Sandler pissed himself on that fieldtrip in Billy Madison? Or when he pissed on the streets of New York with that little boy in Big Daddy? How about when he took The Longest Pee on his album, They're All Gonna Laugh at You? He's obsessed, we know.^[4]

* Note to females[edit | edit source]

In much of this book, the word "penis" is used. This is due to biological conventions. If you substitute "vagina" in all cases of instruction - get (it) and spread the "lips" with two fingers (it) with one or both hands - the same effect will be achieved. I know they told you in grade school that you couldn't pee standing up, but that's just a lie to hold you back. You're a big girl now, and can do what you like.

UnBooks:All about pee (P)

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