Roman History X
| Roman History X | |
 Theatrical poster for Roman History X | |
| Directed by | Tacitus |
| Written by | Ceasar |
| Starring | Octavianus/Augustus Kid from terminator II |
| Produced by | Flavius the elder |
| Distributed by | Roman Empire |
| Release date | XII AD |
| Runtime | XCVIII Minutes |
| Language | Latin |
| Budget | MMD sestertius |
| IMDb page | |
Roman History X is an epic tale staring Octavian ( Emperor Augustus ), the Jews and those early christian-dogs. Also a cameo from Jesus, the god Mars, some gladiator and a Roman centurion. The original plot line was written around II AD mostly by the emperor himself but with large side notes from Tacitus and Flavius. Historians and film critics both agree that this movie is at least 10.5 times cooler than American History X.
The film tells the story of the first Emperor of the Roman Empire who, after expanding the borders and fighting several European tribes , realizes that on the other side of his gigantic empire terrible atrocities where committed in his name. Augustus realizes that that prosecution thing of the Jewish people was totally uncalled for and was, in fact, not a very nice thing to do at all. He learns that those Jews are just like ordinary people albeit with some very wacky monotheistic believes and funny hats and hair and, of course, ludicrous literature. And the're as cheap as half-off defect used rubber dog poop. But amongst these harmless second rate citizens of his glorious empire does at this point a threat unfold. An even more bizarre and a dangerous movement lead by some left-wing long-haired hippy seems to be on the rise. Augustus is torn between the choices of exterminating the lot of them, for they are a danger to his realm, or leaving them be in peace and hope for the best.
Plot[edit | edit source]
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Warning: The following text might contain spoilers.
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Introduction and beginning[edit | edit source]
The story starts with a young and eager boy , who after the death of his uncle fights a titan battle in order to be instated to the ranks of dictator for life. After he wins a glorious victory and even increases his power by making himself emperor . But the ruthlessness of politics and war have made Augustus oblivious to the things he once so believed and loved in life and for the next XL years or so he campaigns for the glory of the roman empire, himself remaining cold and heartless.
In IX AD after Augustus loses the better part of 3 legions in the northern-part of his empire he came to realize that this whole conquest is foolish and Why can't we just all get along. He scans the fast planes of his empire to abolish such uncalled for acts of violence and oppression. But finds, well, basically the Roman empire is a pretty cool place to live for most people. With this reassuring thought he reigns his glorious realm for a I year until disturbing messages come in from a part of his domain that he's frankly forgotten about for a little while.
A word from that sandy shit hole[edit | edit source]
X. Pontius Pilatus sends word of rebellion within the Jewish community and states that dangerous insurgents are arising from there midst. Even spin-off dogmas and cults spring from the bowels of the oppressed nation of Palestine. He demands more material, funds, Legions and a direct consent by the consul and senate to exterminate the lot of those pesky sheep shavers. Unfortunately due to the terrible slow methods of correspondents he does not wait for a reply from his Emperor and by anticipating the response to have a positive outcome anyway he goes of with the resources he still has and starts killing, burning and crucifying to his hearts delight.
It is with much to his horror that , seemingly, his emperor, the guy that trashed and terrorized more then half of the known world for nearly XXXIV years, now has turned into some tree-hugging, culture respecting pussy. Is this really what my Emperor wants ? Peace,love and understanding ? Confused he discontinues his murderous rampage and returns dismayed. Not that he really dislikes the Semites and those little crazy cults with their golden lambs, ridiculous scrolls full of rhetorical nonsense, idiotic monotheistic firmaments and messiahs that preach love and understanding and shit. He really finds it, in truth, to be quite fascinating and a little quaint. But , as we can all understand, Serving as Governor in a bleeding hot sandbox shit hole like Palestine is very very boring and boredom should be dealt with the old fashioned Roman way, With a good old Annexing and ethnic cleansing for good measure.
Why can't we all get along? Really!?[edit | edit source]
After a long and boring debate about good and evil, wrong and right, morals, ethics, basic human rights and needs, international bodies of protection and peace keeping, Cattle and horse shit output into the roman environment, medical health care benefits, agricultural subsidies, the right to bear spears and daggers ( The Mars given right ),Chariot speed limits for all the empire except Germania and so on and so forth a new social basic rule set was engineered for the entire realm.
Inspiring Cicero to make a documentary on how cattle manure could be an increasing danger to some portions of the realm, he stated that within centuries parts of the famous city of Alexandria could be washed away due to rising sea levels caused by the negative effects of the Roman output of fecal matter ( An Unfortunate Reality ).
Unfortunately the Wacky cults and the nutcases that preached these new scrapyard dogmas did not want to have anything to do with this new open and social law.
| “ | We have the right to be oppressed !! You can not take that away from us !! | ” |
Was the general consensus amongst those cults, specially amongst one led by a hippy named Jesus. Pilatus tried to explain to them that they were no longer oppressed and, in fact, were free citizens of the empire, free to do as they please ( within the borders of normal common sense of course). But NO!, Jesus exclaimed.
| “ | No! We shall be oppressed, for I must free my people and such!. | ” |
To which Platus replied:
| “ | You lot are already free you moron, We simply do not have the time nor the money to make small iddy bitty exceptions to the rules just because you need to be oppressed so badly | ” |
Endgame[edit | edit source]
The trivial arguing whether or not ethnic minorities and cults had the given right (given by any number of gods they tend to worship ( or a selection from that group as they see fit) to be oppressed by a ruthless and seemingly undefeatable oppressor came to nothing. The new monotheist christians were really terribly upset by this and Pilatus just did not know what to do anymore . After a brief correspondence with Augustus he asked that, For the Love of Mars, Can't we just Oppress them a little ?, This freedom thing is not very good for moral you know. . Augustus Responded with a letter that had the following solution :
| “ |
Pontius, good to hear from you. I just recalled the fine times we had when beheading and killing where a fashion statement and a way of live. Aww. how I do miss Those times. But to the point. I think Jesus his Problem is motivation and goal. Give the man a goal and he'll be happy. Why not suggest that he could Die for his people for whatever reason. For eternal beer, or wine, or maybe for there sins or something. Then They may pretend to be suppressed all they want. What do you think ?
Consul, Princeps, Pater Patrie etcetera etcetera. Rome XI AD S.P.Q.R |
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From the Judea-Christan point of view this is all is well ends well.
But , alas, for the roman empire this was the beginning of the end.
The picture of Augustus fades out and VI minutes of footage is shown how
slowly the new Christian monotheistic dogma takes over the entire roman empire, Splits it in half and finally brings it to it's knees respectively DC and MCD years later.
Title roll[edit | edit source]
The cameo the God Mars makes takes place to the right of the titles. Augustus looks in despair at the endings of his movie in the afterlife when the God Mars walks in and sits next to Augustus saying to him :
| “ | Well thanks a lot, you little shit. Listen, the next time some desert monotheist nutcase starts to preach peace and love your neighbor on some fucking sand hill, YOU KILL HIM INSTANTLY, You hear me ? . | ” |
Controversy[edit | edit source]
After the the movie-film was finished Augustus demanded that his old name , Octavian where not to be included in the movie title-roll, Mostly due to the fact that the editing done by Tacitus portrait the young Octavian as a faggot. Not that being a faggot was a problem those days, but he did nail his sister. Naught naughty. After much debate between Augustus and Tacitus a deal was stuck and the name Octavian was not mentioned in the movie. Instead the title-roll shows a tiny sentence at the end of the cast saying : 'O yeah, and staring that pompous little sister fucking faggot who by pure accident is emperor for the most part of this movie"
Famous and notable quotes[edit | edit source]
- Pontius Pilatus : EVERYBODY BE CALM, THIS IS AN ETHNIC CLEANSING, And if any of you Semite motherfuckers move, I will Crucify every motherfucking last one of you.
- Octavian: What is Varus doing with that fucking Barbarian? What? No way, I don't fucking need Varus to survive in the senate!
- Octavian : Put your fucking teeth on that sandstone obelisk, FUCKING DO IT!.. *Crack*.
- Longinus : You ask your self, is his spear blunt ? Has he stabbed 5 or 6 insurgents ?, Do you feel lucky puncius ? Do ya ?
