UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
2. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
3. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
4. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
5. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
6. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
7. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
8. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
9. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
10. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
11. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
12. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
13. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
14. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
15. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
16. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
17. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
18. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
19. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
20. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
21. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
22. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
23. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
24. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
25. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
26. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
27. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
28. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
29. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
30. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
31. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
32. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
33. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
34. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
35. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
36. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
37. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
38. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
39. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
40. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
41. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize pleasantly
42. To anglicanize a nuclear reactor, is to anglicanize {{adv})
43. Natalie Portman is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.