UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

– Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
2. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
3. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
4. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
5. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
6. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
7. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
8. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
9. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
10. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
11. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
12. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
13. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
14. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
15. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
16. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
17. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
18. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
19. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
20. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
21. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
22. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
23. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
24. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
25. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
26. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
27. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
28. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
29. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
30. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
31. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
32. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
33. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
34. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
35. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
36. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
37. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
38. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
39. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
40. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
41. To pander a LSD, is to pander nervously
42. To pander a LSD, is to pander {{adv})
43. Bowser is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.