UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

– Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
2. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
3. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
4. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
5. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
6. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
7. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
8. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
9. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
10. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
11. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
12. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
13. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
14. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
15. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
16. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
17. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
18. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
19. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
20. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
21. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
22. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
23. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
24. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
25. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
26. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
27. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
28. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
29. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
30. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
31. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
32. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
33. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
34. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
35. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
36. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
37. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
38. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
39. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
40. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
41. To model an ax murderer, is to model blaringly
42. To model an ax murderer, is to model {{adv})
43. Naruto is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.