UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
2. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
3. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
4. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
5. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
6. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
7. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
8. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
9. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
10. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
11. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
12. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
13. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
14. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
15. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
16. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
17. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
18. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
19. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
20. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
21. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
22. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
23. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
24. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
25. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
26. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
27. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
28. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
29. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
30. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
31. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
32. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
33. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
34. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
35. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
36. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
37. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
38. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
39. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
40. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
41. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena riotously
42. To subpoena a stapler, is to subpoena {{adv})
43. Arnold Schwarzenegger is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.