UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
2. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
3. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
4. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
5. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
6. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
7. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
8. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
9. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
10. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
11. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
12. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
13. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
14. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
15. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
16. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
17. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
18. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
19. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
20. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
21. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
22. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
23. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
24. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
25. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
26. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
27. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
28. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
29. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
30. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
31. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
32. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
33. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
34. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
35. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
36. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
37. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
38. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
39. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
40. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
41. To riot a gamelan, is to riot easily
42. To riot a gamelan, is to riot {{adv})
43. Elton John is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.