UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

– Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
2. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
3. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
4. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
5. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
6. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
7. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
8. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
9. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
10. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
11. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
12. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
13. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
14. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
15. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
16. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
17. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
18. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
19. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
20. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
21. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
22. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
23. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
24. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
25. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
26. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
27. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
28. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
29. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
30. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
31. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
32. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
33. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
34. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
35. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
36. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
37. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
38. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
39. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
40. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
41. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate habitually
42. To affiliate a peacock, is to affiliate {{adv})
43. Darth Vader is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.