UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
2. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
3. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
4. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
5. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
6. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
7. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
8. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
9. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
10. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
11. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
12. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
13. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
14. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
15. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
16. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
17. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
18. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
19. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
20. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
21. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
22. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
23. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
24. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
25. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
26. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
27. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
28. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
29. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
30. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
31. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
32. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
33. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
34. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
35. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
36. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
37. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
38. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
39. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
40. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
41. To construct a padlock, is to construct bitterly
42. To construct a padlock, is to construct {{adv})
43. Nelson Mandela is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.