UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

– Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
2. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
3. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
4. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
5. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
6. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
7. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
8. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
9. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
10. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
11. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
12. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
13. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
14. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
15. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
16. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
17. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
18. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
19. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
20. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
21. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
22. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
23. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
24. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
25. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
26. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
27. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
28. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
29. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
30. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
31. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
32. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
33. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
34. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
35. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
36. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
37. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
38. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
39. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
40. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
41. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate thoroughly
42. To defibrillate a zipper, is to defibrillate {{adv})
43. Black Jesus is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.