UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
2. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
3. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
4. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
5. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
6. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
7. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
8. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
9. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
10. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
11. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
12. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
13. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
14. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
15. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
16. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
17. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
18. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
19. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
20. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
21. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
22. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
23. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
24. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
25. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
26. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
27. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
28. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
29. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
30. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
31. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
32. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
33. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
34. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
35. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
36. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
37. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
38. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
39. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
40. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
41. To deter an anvil, is to deter apathetically
42. To deter an anvil, is to deter {{adv})
43. Crom is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.