UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

– Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
2. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
3. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
4. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
5. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
6. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
7. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
8. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
9. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
10. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
11. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
12. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
13. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
14. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
15. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
16. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
17. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
18. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
19. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
20. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
21. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
22. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
23. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
24. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
25. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
26. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
27. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
28. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
29. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
30. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
31. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
32. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
33. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
34. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
35. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
36. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
37. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
38. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
39. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
40. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
41. To wank a feng shui, is to wank suitably
42. To wank a feng shui, is to wank {{adv})
43. Donald Duck is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.