UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
2. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
3. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
4. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
5. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
6. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
7. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
8. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
9. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
10. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
11. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
12. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
13. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
14. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
15. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
16. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
17. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
18. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
19. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
20. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
21. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
22. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
23. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
24. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
25. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
26. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
27. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
28. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
29. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
30. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
31. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
32. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
33. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
34. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
35. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
36. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
37. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
38. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
39. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
40. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
41. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle peevishly
42. To jiggle a leaking roof, is to jiggle {{adv})
43. The King of the Internet is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.