UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

– Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
2. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
3. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
4. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
5. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
6. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
7. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
8. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
9. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
10. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
11. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
12. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
13. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
14. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
15. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
16. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
17. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
18. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
19. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
20. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
21. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
22. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
23. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
24. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
25. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
26. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
27. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
28. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
29. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
30. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
31. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
32. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
33. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
34. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
35. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
36. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
37. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
38. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
39. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
40. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
41. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise quickly
42. To problematise a quickloader, is to problematise {{adv})
43. Nancy Pelosi is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.