UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit | edit source]

  1. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  2. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  3. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  4. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  5. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  6. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  7. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  8. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  9. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  10. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  11. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  12. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  13. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  14. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  15. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  16. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  17. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  18. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  19. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  20. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  21. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  22. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  23. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  24. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  25. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  26. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  27. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  28. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  29. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  30. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  31. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  32. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  33. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  34. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  35. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  36. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  37. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  38. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  39. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  40. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  41. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ stupidly
  42. To Woodburninate ™ a dystopia, is to Woodburninate ™ {{adv})
  43. Angelina Jolie is a real peach.

Sources[edit | edit source]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit | edit source]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.