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Uncyclopedia is proud to present an exclusive, never before published column by Chuck Norris.

Recently a debate aired on ABC's Nightline pitting popular theists, Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron, against two reviled atheists from the "Rational" Response Squad, which is also reviled. This testifies to the growing number (30 million people) of fools who profess there is no God. Add to that what I believe is possibly three times that number of functional atheists, those who believe in a God but don't show it (as True Christians® do, by voting Republican, wearing little American flag pins and putting Jesus fish on the tailgates of their pickup trucks), and patriotic Americans in America are facing a new religious horizon in which atheism is becoming a formidable foe.

Shockingly, although the majority of Americans continue to claim to be Christians, a Gallup poll discovered that forty-five percent of the population would support an atheist for President. Such a survey is a clear indication that the secularization of our Christian nation is alive and well. Secularization, if you are not aware, will signal the end of America as we know it. For example, soon the secular government, blinded by their lack of common Christian decency, will (as they did with public schools) banish the Bible from the White House, before banning it in church and eventually outlawing it in your very own home! Will real Americans continue to stand for this outrage? I pray to the Lord, no. (Full article...)

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... I burning your dog? (Pictured)

... that an umbrella is a magical object that is used in many cultures to discourage rainfall?
... that it takes a great amount of sexual commitment to get a computer turned on, but once your computer is properly aroused, it can offer you some of the greatest sexual thrills you may ever experience?
... that the American Civil War was actually marked by many instances of uncivil behavior?
... that in order to complete the video game World of Warcraft, over one cubic mile of animals must be clicked?
... that Ben Stiller's face makes everything funny?
... that the sky is up and the ground is down, except in Australia where the opposite is true?
... that reading this DYK suggestion just wasted 10 seconds of your life?

... that Pope Francis (Pictured) played football for Argentina?

... that there are at least three other businesses like show business?
... that reading this DYK suggestion just wasted 10 seconds of your life?
... that you should invest in chicken stock?
... that this sentence is incomple
... pole dancing was introduced to Egyptian culture by Cleopatra?
... that if you poke a whale in the tummy it will giggle like a schoolgirl?
... that your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory?

... I burning your dog? (Pictured)

... that an umbrella is a magical object that is used in many cultures to discourage rainfall?
... that it takes a great amount of sexual commitment to get a computer turned on, but once your computer is properly aroused, it can offer you some of the greatest sexual thrills you may ever experience?
... that the American Civil War was actually marked by many instances of uncivil behavior?
... that in order to complete the video game World of Warcraft, over one cubic mile of animals must be clicked?
... that Ben Stiller's face makes everything funny?
... that the sky is up and the ground is down, except in Australia where the opposite is true?
... that reading this DYK suggestion just wasted 10 seconds of your life?

... that Pope Francis (Pictured) played football for Argentina?

... that there are at least three other businesses like show business?
... that reading this DYK suggestion just wasted 10 seconds of your life?
... that you should invest in chicken stock?
... that this sentence is incomple
... pole dancing was introduced to Egyptian culture by Cleopatra?
... that if you poke a whale in the tummy it will giggle like a schoolgirl?
... that your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory?

... I burning your dog? (Pictured)

... that an umbrella is a magical object that is used in many cultures to discourage rainfall?
... that it takes a great amount of sexual commitment to get a computer turned on, but once your computer is properly aroused, it can offer you some of the greatest sexual thrills you may ever experience?
... that the American Civil War was actually marked by many instances of uncivil behavior?
... that in order to complete the video game World of Warcraft, over one cubic mile of animals must be clicked?
... that Ben Stiller's face makes everything funny?
... that the sky is up and the ground is down, except in Australia where the opposite is true?
... that reading this DYK suggestion just wasted 10 seconds of your life?

... that Pope Francis (Pictured) played football for Argentina?

... that there are at least three other businesses like show business?
... that reading this DYK suggestion just wasted 10 seconds of your life?
... that you should invest in chicken stock?
... that this sentence is incomple
... pole dancing was introduced to Egyptian culture by Cleopatra?
... that if you poke a whale in the tummy it will giggle like a schoolgirl?
... that your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory?

... I burning your dog? (Pictured)

... that an umbrella is a magical object that is used in many cultures to discourage rainfall?
... that it takes a great amount of sexual commitment to get a computer turned on, but once your computer is properly aroused, it can offer you some of the greatest sexual thrills you may ever experience?
... that the American Civil War was actually marked by many instances of uncivil behavior?
... that in order to complete the video game World of Warcraft, over one cubic mile of animals must be clicked?
... that Ben Stiller's face makes everything funny?
... that the sky is up and the ground is down, except in Australia where the opposite is true?
... that reading this DYK suggestion just wasted 10 seconds of your life?

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In the news
World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured) Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Winter Paralympics • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed Recent deaths: Team Italy sled hockey • Miami Dolphins, twice • That guy from Boston. The band, not the city. But isn't the band from the city? • Chuck Norris doesn't fuckin' die, the world died to him • Buffy • Xander Harris Upcoming deaths: Weed • Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Every Cesar Chavez Street's name UnNews – Radio Free Lunch**
On this day...
March 21: Vernal Equinox... Probably 5 AD - The first recorded instance of the question "What Would Jesus Do?" occurs when his mother asks what he wants for breakfast. 1890 - Oscar Wilde pens his novel The Picture of Dorian Gray in the vicinity of one of his favorite sources of inspiration, a kitchen sink. 1919 - The Treaty of Versailles is dictated to several secretaries, ending World War I. One of them is a German spy and covertly adds a clause mandating a sequel. 1931 - The electric guitar is introduced, resulting in the genre of Rock 'n Roll being born and enjoying its peak during the Great Depression. 1943 - In the last recorded mounted cavalry charge, soldiers on horseback from Austria-Hungary charge a battalion of Russian tanks and succeed in destroying 80% of them using only their broadswords and ceremonial poofy hats. 1993 - The first video is uploaded on the internet: a skin flute performance. View tomorrow – More anniversaries...

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Some modifications have been made to the newest translation of the Holy Bible. In this scene (often called "Palm Sunday"), Jesus is now riding a raptor. While this was partially made to help make Jesus more accessible to Today's children, the decision was also made because certain Christians didn't want people to be able to say that Jesus was "riding someone's ass" that day. Both scientists and fundamental Christians question the historical accuracy of this account. From the New Cooler Edition: "And Christ touched the Velociraptor, and the Velociraptor was tamed." Luke 13:37 (NCE)

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Writer and Noob of the Month

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

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