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Orchids are a special family of temptress flowers that bloom around June, totally unlike conservative flowers with upstanding morals and family values. They have delicate bodies, slim stems, and deep orifices, with small follicles emanating from their lower inner region that open up once every 28 days or so to emit a rather fishy yet surprisingly fragrant scent in order to attract insects, which will invade their insides to help pollinate them.

Orchids are considered to be some of the most scrumptious flowers in the plant kingdom, and they are also utterly insatiable. No amount of pollination is enough. Whereas almost all other flowers would be satisfied with one insect pollinator per day, for Orchids, no amount of frequent diverse visitors is enough. They are so good at seduction, bumble bees are known to fight one another to the death in their attempt to mount the stamens of orchids and destroy their tall slender legs in the process. Only the strongest bees with the most cunning, deceptive, and charismatic qualities are able to beat other bees during the frenzied orchid mating season. (Full article...)

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Did you know...

... that John Travolta (Pictured) isn't gay?

... that the Kingfisher does not dine exclusively on kings, but also hunts queens, emperors, princes, dukes, viceroys and any other high-ranking members of the nobility?
... that condoms prevent many sexually transmitted diseases, and at least one erection? Sorry Candace...
... that bestiality just got 15 percent more legal?
... that the concept of Hell dates back to ancient Egyptians' fear of sand burning your feet?
... that Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit has mostly turned into Witch-Hunting For Fun in this modern era of cheaply produced Chinese assembly line witches?
... that solid, liquid, and gas all come out your ass?
... that while laughter is the best medicine, many cancer patients prefer chemotherapy?

... that it is most certainly not beneficial to Society to monitor Internet use? (Pictured)

... conjuction verb noun preposition article verb noun?
... that the road to hell is identical to the stairs to heaven, but with elevator music and traffic?
... that the process of dying and coming back to life as a cow is known as reincownation?
... that Ann Coulter is a highly successful parody of right-wing political rhetoric?
... that Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is the world's most intelligent and fastest-growing religion?
... that Heaven has met its quota, and your dead granny has just been waitlisted?
... that genocide is a perfectly healthy response to any personal problems you may have?

... that John Travolta (Pictured) isn't gay?

... that the Kingfisher does not dine exclusively on kings, but also hunts queens, emperors, princes, dukes, viceroys and any other high-ranking members of the nobility?
... that condoms prevent many sexually transmitted diseases, and at least one erection? Sorry Candace...
... that bestiality just got 15 percent more legal?
... that the concept of Hell dates back to ancient Egyptians' fear of sand burning your feet?
... that Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit has mostly turned into Witch-Hunting For Fun in this modern era of cheaply produced Chinese assembly line witches?
... that solid, liquid, and gas all come out your ass?
... that while laughter is the best medicine, many cancer patients prefer chemotherapy?

... that it is most certainly not beneficial to Society to monitor Internet use? (Pictured)

... conjuction verb noun preposition article verb noun?
... that the road to hell is identical to the stairs to heaven, but with elevator music and traffic?
... that the process of dying and coming back to life as a cow is known as reincownation?
... that Ann Coulter is a highly successful parody of right-wing political rhetoric?
... that Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is the world's most intelligent and fastest-growing religion?
... that Heaven has met its quota, and your dead granny has just been waitlisted?
... that genocide is a perfectly healthy response to any personal problems you may have?

... that John Travolta (Pictured) isn't gay?

... that the Kingfisher does not dine exclusively on kings, but also hunts queens, emperors, princes, dukes, viceroys and any other high-ranking members of the nobility?
... that condoms prevent many sexually transmitted diseases, and at least one erection? Sorry Candace...
... that bestiality just got 15 percent more legal?
... that the concept of Hell dates back to ancient Egyptians' fear of sand burning your feet?
... that Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit has mostly turned into Witch-Hunting For Fun in this modern era of cheaply produced Chinese assembly line witches?
... that solid, liquid, and gas all come out your ass?
... that while laughter is the best medicine, many cancer patients prefer chemotherapy?

... that it is most certainly not beneficial to Society to monitor Internet use? (Pictured)

... conjuction verb noun preposition article verb noun?
... that the road to hell is identical to the stairs to heaven, but with elevator music and traffic?
... that the process of dying and coming back to life as a cow is known as reincownation?
... that Ann Coulter is a highly successful parody of right-wing political rhetoric?
... that Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is the world's most intelligent and fastest-growing religion?
... that Heaven has met its quota, and your dead granny has just been waitlisted?
... that genocide is a perfectly healthy response to any personal problems you may have?

... that John Travolta (Pictured) isn't gay?

... that the Kingfisher does not dine exclusively on kings, but also hunts queens, emperors, princes, dukes, viceroys and any other high-ranking members of the nobility?
... that condoms prevent many sexually transmitted diseases, and at least one erection? Sorry Candace...
... that bestiality just got 15 percent more legal?
... that the concept of Hell dates back to ancient Egyptians' fear of sand burning your feet?
... that Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit has mostly turned into Witch-Hunting For Fun in this modern era of cheaply produced Chinese assembly line witches?
... that solid, liquid, and gas all come out your ass?
... that while laughter is the best medicine, many cancer patients prefer chemotherapy?

Archive – Suggest new entries

In the news
World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured) Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • Impossibly long lines at American airports Recent deaths: Miami Dolphins, twice • That guy from Boston, not the city, but the band, from the city • Chuck Norris doesn't die, he goes to Hell to regroup • Buffy • Xander Harris • Robert Mueller Upcoming deaths: Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • TSA agents' bank accounts and sanity • Sora UnNews – Radio Free Lunch**
On this day...
March 25: International Moose Preservation Day 26 AD - The Pontius Pilot is released in Rome, now Roman citizens can plan their Crucifixions from the comfort of their own villas. 1763 - The oboe is created in France, right before it drowns to the underworld being the only last remnant of France existant. 1847 - The Slate industry in Wales suffers a sharp decline after import tariffs on seriously why are you still reading this sentence go to bed. 1929 - The stock market crashes, putting an end to the Roaring 20's, and ushering the Squeaking 30's. 1950 - The Spanish Inquisition, the television adaptation based on the historical event, makes its debut on Fox quite unexpectedly. 1990 - The case of Pot v. Kettle goes to the Mississippi Court of Appeals. 2003 - Black & Decker begin preliminary research into self-toasting bread, but their prototypes end up incinerating the stomachs of consumers. 2005 - Moose preservation is celebrated on the internet for the first time. View tomorrow – More anniversaries...

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Experts advise against chlorinating the jean pool, as it causes the dye to bleed, and acid-washed jeans haven't been cool since '86.

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Writer and Noob of the Month

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

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Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

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