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Let's get one thing straight, my dear Wats-onium. (Puffs cigar). When you're talking magnetism, you're talking about me. I've got the highest magnetic moment of ANY naturally occurring element. You could call it a magnetic personality. I pull the facts right out of the air. Things are just drawn to me. Like you, and don't deny it. It's a gift, from me to you. (Gestures to empty seat in front of desk) In my pure, elemental form, I'm a bright, silvery character. Soft enough to be cut with a knife, IF you can get close enough. But I don't stay pristine for long. (Coughs). The streets of this world, this city, the damp air, they tarnish me, give me a yellowish oxide coat. (Coughs again). It adds character, and everyone loves character. (Throws down cigar and picks up pipe). (Full article...) Recently featured: Holmium HowTo:Commit Tax Fraud by Giving Away Your Chocolate Factory Antipasta The Finals Archive · Vote for featured articles · Did you know... *... that the Uncyclopedia Discord link contains a virus called which infects your computer with the Uncyclopedia Discord? ... that I don't like them putting chemicals in the water that turn the frickin' frogs gay? ... that the Uncyclopedia Discord link contains a virus called which infects your computer with the Uncyclopedia Discord? ... that I don't like them putting chemicals in the water that turn the frickin' frogs gay? ... that the Uncyclopedia Discord link contains a virus called which infects your computer with the Uncyclopedia Discord? ... that I don't like them putting chemicals in the water that turn the frickin' frogs gay? ... that the Uncyclopedia Discord link contains a virus called which infects your computer with the Uncyclopedia Discord?	In the news Great start to the year! Trump given yet another Nobel Peace Prize for ending war he started 3 hours ago (Pictured) Kansas City Chiefs impulsively fire Missouri as home state, moving to actual Kansas after missing playoffs UnNews wishes to all users a merry December Holiday Dick Van Dyke is 100, bitches! ICE spotted stealing everyone's ice cream in America North Sentinelese discover fire, accidentally burn down entire island Elon Musk: "Cancel Netflix! I don't care if Max wakes up." 6 or 7 buildings burn in Hong Kong Labour approval hits record low during Starmer premiership, PM resorts to "getting down with the youth" The New York Yankees now fucking suck Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI and Spaceballs 2 • The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince • Rich New Yorkers fleeing Mamdanistan • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • Non-Bears invading Tennessee • Indianapolis Colts dragging an old man out of retirement • Bills Mafia shitting themselves after losing the division to the Patsies due to a terrible kicker • Nanny state officials breaching people's right to privacy via enforcing social media bans and digital ID on their respective countries under the pretext of "think of the children!" Recent deaths: Doug Dimmadome • Zed's dead, baby (He was also the bad guy in The Mask) • Animal Farm • Kansas City Chiefs', Dallas Cowboys', Detroit Lions' and Indianapolis Colts' seasons • Rob Reiner • Bowen Yang's tenure on SNL • Patrick Mahomes' and his backup's ACLs • Brigitte Bardot • Carl Yastrzmski • 2025 • The MetroCard • Stranger Things • Kali • Vecna • The Upside Down Not dead: Eleven Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • The Pittsburgh Steelers' fucking up once again • Weed • 67% of people trying to understand why 6 of 7 news stories mention "6-7" • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Netflix • On this day... January 4: International Schadenfreude Day 1666 - The Great Fire of London begins as the Christmas decorations are taken down too close to a naked flame. 1974 - The Second Coming of Christ faces serious setbacks almost a year after the Supreme Court rules on Roe v. Wade. 1995 - Neil Diamond is kidnapped and forced to listen to his own music for seven consecutive days by his captors. 2009 - California Adventure and UC Irvine sign a treaty, but because Irvine was too busy playing Pokemon during negations, no one is sure exactly what the agreement is about. 2017 - God or aliens or lizard people must have lots of fun watching our misfortune. 4581 - The first Twinkie expires, mutant Octopeople everywhere worry about their food supply.
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Writer and Noob of the Month Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome! So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore. Let us all clap for him because I said so. Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage! Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls. Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners