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Uncyclopedia is proud to present an exclusive, never before published column by Chuck Norris.

Recently a debate aired on ABC's Nightline pitting popular theists, Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron, against two reviled atheists from the "Rational" Response Squad, which is also reviled. This testifies to the growing number (30 million people) of fools who profess there is no God. Add to that what I believe is possibly three times that number of functional atheists, those who believe in a God but don't show it (as True Christians® do, by voting Republican, wearing little American flag pins and putting Jesus fish on the tailgates of their pickup trucks), and patriotic Americans in America are facing a new religious horizon in which atheism is becoming a formidable foe.

Shockingly, although the majority of Americans continue to claim to be Christians, a Gallup poll discovered that forty-five percent of the population would support an atheist for President. Such a survey is a clear indication that the secularization of our Christian nation is alive and well. Secularization, if you are not aware, will signal the end of America as we know it. For example, soon the secular government, blinded by their lack of common Christian decency, will (as they did with public schools) banish the Bible from the White House, before banning it in church and eventually outlawing it in your very own home! Will real Americans continue to stand for this outrage? I pray to the Lord, no. (Full article...)

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Did you know...

... that Albert Einstein's likeness has been used to sell pornography? (Pictured)

... that sheep shrink when it rains?
... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?
... that water is bad for your health because fish have sex in it?
...Funkytown was a Scientology commune in the 60s?
... that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?
... that Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit has mostly turned into Witch-Hunting For Fun in this modern era of cheaply produced Chinese assembly line witches?
... that the Russian Reversal is the common English term for the phenomenon during which a person descended from Russia is spontaneously turned around?

... that Gypsies are stealing your carrots right now? (Pictured)

... that a rose by any other name would be called something else?
... that Drake the type of dingbat to believe everything he reads on Uncyclopedia?
... that the Uncyclopedia Discord link contains a virus called which infects your computer with the Uncyclopedia Discord?
... that I am Batman?
... that there is no consensus among experts on vice presidential history that Al Gore exists?
... that people who "have their cake and eat it too" are 10 times more likely to die of obesity than people who only "have their cake"?
... that it takes a great amount of sexual commitment to get a computer turned on, but once your computer is properly aroused, it can offer you some of the greatest sexual thrills you may ever experience?

... that Albert Einstein's likeness has been used to sell pornography? (Pictured)

... that sheep shrink when it rains?
... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?
... that water is bad for your health because fish have sex in it?
...Funkytown was a Scientology commune in the 60s?
... that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?
... that Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit has mostly turned into Witch-Hunting For Fun in this modern era of cheaply produced Chinese assembly line witches?
... that the Russian Reversal is the common English term for the phenomenon during which a person descended from Russia is spontaneously turned around?

... that Gypsies are stealing your carrots right now? (Pictured)

... that a rose by any other name would be called something else?
... that Drake the type of dingbat to believe everything he reads on Uncyclopedia?
... that the Uncyclopedia Discord link contains a virus called which infects your computer with the Uncyclopedia Discord?
... that I am Batman?
... that there is no consensus among experts on vice presidential history that Al Gore exists?
... that people who "have their cake and eat it too" are 10 times more likely to die of obesity than people who only "have their cake"?
... that it takes a great amount of sexual commitment to get a computer turned on, but once your computer is properly aroused, it can offer you some of the greatest sexual thrills you may ever experience?

... that Albert Einstein's likeness has been used to sell pornography? (Pictured)

... that sheep shrink when it rains?
... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?
... that water is bad for your health because fish have sex in it?
...Funkytown was a Scientology commune in the 60s?
... that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?
... that Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit has mostly turned into Witch-Hunting For Fun in this modern era of cheaply produced Chinese assembly line witches?
... that the Russian Reversal is the common English term for the phenomenon during which a person descended from Russia is spontaneously turned around?

... that Gypsies are stealing your carrots right now? (Pictured)

... that a rose by any other name would be called something else?
... that Drake the type of dingbat to believe everything he reads on Uncyclopedia?
... that the Uncyclopedia Discord link contains a virus called which infects your computer with the Uncyclopedia Discord?
... that I am Batman?
... that there is no consensus among experts on vice presidential history that Al Gore exists?
... that people who "have their cake and eat it too" are 10 times more likely to die of obesity than people who only "have their cake"?
... that it takes a great amount of sexual commitment to get a computer turned on, but once your computer is properly aroused, it can offer you some of the greatest sexual thrills you may ever experience?

... that Albert Einstein's likeness has been used to sell pornography? (Pictured)

... that sheep shrink when it rains?
... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?
... that water is bad for your health because fish have sex in it?
...Funkytown was a Scientology commune in the 60s?
... that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?
... that Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit has mostly turned into Witch-Hunting For Fun in this modern era of cheaply produced Chinese assembly line witches?
... that the Russian Reversal is the common English term for the phenomenon during which a person descended from Russia is spontaneously turned around?

Archive – Suggest new entries

In the news
World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured) Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • Impossibly long lines at American airports Recent deaths: Miami Dolphins, twice • That guy from Boston. The band, not the city. But isn't the band from the city? • Chuck Norris doesn't fuckin' die, the hospital survived Chuck Norris • Buffy • Xander Harris • Robert Mueller Upcoming deaths: Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • TSA agents' bank accounts and sanity UnNews – Radio Free Lunch**
On this day...
March 22: World Water Day 1621 - The Pilgrims promise the Indians that they're just peaceful settlers here to eat corn and wear lily white breeches. 1874 - Slavery is abolished in Puerto Rico, replaced with mandatory sugarcane harvest fun time. 1945 - The Arab League are formed to guarantee peace in the region for the next several minutes. 1993 - The United Nations passes a resolution to conserve fresh water (Pictured), tells Americans to shit on the floor instead of on the toilet. 2013 - My Chemical Romance disbands, Gerard Way pursues solo career, apparently. 2016 - Carl's Jr. ordered by FCC to end "sexy" ad campaign because too many viewers just want to fuck the burger. 2018 - Water bottle companies start selling diluted drain cleaner as Alkaline Water. View tomorrow – More anniversaries...

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Islamic extremists are unsure how to react to this sketch of what may or may not be the back of Mohammad's head.

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Writer and Noob of the Month

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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