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Good evening crew of the RMS Titanic. My name is Scuttlebutt, Sidney Scuttlebutt. I am the head of the exterior furniture section on this ship. My job is to provide deckchairs for the comfort of all First Class and Second Class passengers. Third Class passengers are not entitled to deckchairs so you will not need to show them how they work.

This may be the Titanic's maiden voyage but I am already a professional at the art of deckchair maintenance as I have worked on the Titanic's sister ship RMS Olympic. I believe a carefully prepared deckchair with the option of a blanket and cushion is essential if travellers want to take in the cold April air of 1912. So I will now demonstrate what we do.

What was that? You want to know more about the lifeboats? We can talk about that tomorrow. Those boats are to rescue people at sea, not the people here as this ship is unsinkable, made of steel that is light enough to float. There is no need to be worried. For those who really want to learn more about lifeboats, I understand Captain Smith will be holding a class tomorrow. (Full article...)

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Did you know...

... that the classic fairy tale Hansel and Gretel was blamed for hundreds of accidental deaths involving elderly women being pushed into ovens by children? (Pictured)

... that while most Popes don't shit in the woods, sometimes bears are Catholic?
... that Cup Stacking is a real sport? No, really.
... no, you didn't! Stop lying!
... that the Byzantine Empire is pretty much the same as the Roman Empire, only not as cool?
... that Minecraft developers are flat earthers?
... that Joe Biden stepped in dog shit?
... that the lawman/outlaw Wild Bill Hickok had one of the most celebrated mustaches in the Wild West?

... that Cafeteria food (Pictured) is not generally edible?

... that you have schizophrenia and we're talking about you right now?
... that 100% of people who are rushed to the hospital will die?
... that if the earth were the size of an apple, we would fall off?
... that everytime we touch, I get this feeling?
... that Crow war chieftain Old White Man was nothing like his brothers, Walks Over Eggshells and Sees No Color?
... that Ben Stiller's face makes everything funny?
... that my girlfriend has herpes? Neither did I.

... that the classic fairy tale Hansel and Gretel was blamed for hundreds of accidental deaths involving elderly women being pushed into ovens by children? (Pictured)

... that while most Popes don't shit in the woods, sometimes bears are Catholic?
... that Cup Stacking is a real sport? No, really.
... no, you didn't! Stop lying!
... that the Byzantine Empire is pretty much the same as the Roman Empire, only not as cool?
... that Minecraft developers are flat earthers?
... that Joe Biden stepped in dog shit?
... that the lawman/outlaw Wild Bill Hickok had one of the most celebrated mustaches in the Wild West?

... that Cafeteria food (Pictured) is not generally edible?

... that you have schizophrenia and we're talking about you right now?
... that 100% of people who are rushed to the hospital will die?
... that if the earth were the size of an apple, we would fall off?
... that everytime we touch, I get this feeling?
... that Crow war chieftain Old White Man was nothing like his brothers, Walks Over Eggshells and Sees No Color?
... that Ben Stiller's face makes everything funny?
... that my girlfriend has herpes? Neither did I.

... that the classic fairy tale Hansel and Gretel was blamed for hundreds of accidental deaths involving elderly women being pushed into ovens by children? (Pictured)

... that while most Popes don't shit in the woods, sometimes bears are Catholic?
... that Cup Stacking is a real sport? No, really.
... no, you didn't! Stop lying!
... that the Byzantine Empire is pretty much the same as the Roman Empire, only not as cool?
... that Minecraft developers are flat earthers?
... that Joe Biden stepped in dog shit?
... that the lawman/outlaw Wild Bill Hickok had one of the most celebrated mustaches in the Wild West?

... that Cafeteria food (Pictured) is not generally edible?

... that you have schizophrenia and we're talking about you right now?
... that 100% of people who are rushed to the hospital will die?
... that if the earth were the size of an apple, we would fall off?
... that everytime we touch, I get this feeling?
... that Crow war chieftain Old White Man was nothing like his brothers, Walks Over Eggshells and Sees No Color?
... that Ben Stiller's face makes everything funny?
... that my girlfriend has herpes? Neither did I.

... that the classic fairy tale Hansel and Gretel was blamed for hundreds of accidental deaths involving elderly women being pushed into ovens by children? (Pictured)

... that while most Popes don't shit in the woods, sometimes bears are Catholic?
... that Cup Stacking is a real sport? No, really.
... no, you didn't! Stop lying!
... that the Byzantine Empire is pretty much the same as the Roman Empire, only not as cool?
... that Minecraft developers are flat earthers?
... that Joe Biden stepped in dog shit?
... that the lawman/outlaw Wild Bill Hickok had one of the most celebrated mustaches in the Wild West?

Archive – Suggest new entries

In the news
Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize (Pictured) Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Winter Paralympics • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed Recent deaths: Warner Bros. bidding war • Neil Sedaka • Ali Khamenei • Team Italy sled hockey • Miami Dolphins • That guy from Boston. The band, not the city. But isn't the band from the city? Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • Weed • Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons UnNews – Radio Free Lunch**
On this day...
March 15: Julius Caesar's Deathday 44 BC - Julius Caesar is stabbed to death by a conspiracy of the Roman Senate, his last words: "Oww Jesus fuck!" (Pictured) 1493 - Christopher Columbus returns to Spain after his first voyage to the New World. "What's that blood in your shoe?" asks Queen Isabella. 1917 - Tsar Nicholas II abdicates his throne, hopes to retire to a nice dingy basement with the rest of his family. 1952 - During a performance of 4'33", composer John Cage is heckled by the audience as a pretentious, lazy gasbag. Their heckling by definition becomes part of 4'33", and therefore a meta-commentary on itself: Cage is hailed as a creative genius. 1965 - President Lyndon B. Johnson advocates the Voting Rights Act as part of a fiendish Marxist ploy to get non-white people to vote and stuff. 2000 - Y2K doomsayers are just about ready to confess that they were mistaken, until they hear about the sexy new year of 2012. View tomorrow – More anniversaries...

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Writer and Noob of the Month

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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