On Her Majesty's Secret Service
|On Her Majesty's Secret Service|
|Directed by||Jimmy Page|
|Written by||Ian Fleming|
|Starring||James Bond, George Lazenby, William Shatner, Robert Plant, and Jenna Jameson|
|Produced by||Jimmy Page|
|Runtime||3 hours, 22 minutes|
On Her Majesty's Secret Service is a British 1969 spy thriller film. For some purists, this is the best James Bond movie ever. Directed by Jimmy Page and starring George Lazenby, William Shatner and Jenna Jameson.
Following Sean Connery's untimely death, United Artists sensed that audiences wanted a more "real" James Bond, so they decided to make a film starring James Bond himself. Using state of the art camoflague, cameras, and filming techniques (later copied for 28 Days Later). They approached professional paparazzi photographer, Jimmy Page was to direct the film for heroine. He reluctantly accepted the offer, only in the case that he would be given instruction on how to return to his Blues roots in the post-production, he was given a budget of $8023.21.
However some scenes were not usable, or available with the real people, so actors were built and stages were hired to produce them. Over 57% of the movie is actual footage of 007 himself. The remaining 43% was filmed over a period of three days in a single studio.
Filming was hellish, Lazenby was often hungover, and refused to bath, as this was part of his strong neo-Pagan faith. The scenes in which Bond wore a kilt had to be filmed by hazmat crews. Shatner was at the time pursuing a career as a rapper, he could only show up for filming twice, during the sequence in which Lazenby's and Blofeld shave their legs together, and during the tour of the Ski-Lodge. The rest of the time, look alike Mike Myers was used.
Budget constraints, and lack of a filming crew forced filming to be completed within a three week period. The film's soundtrack was done in a single ten minute take by Eric Clapton, and looped repeatedly throughout the movie with alternating speeds, sometimes played backwards and overlapping itself. The rest of the soundtrack was done on set by Robert Plant, of varying tones and quality normally the music was of lesser quality due to Plant being quote "Dazed and Confused".
In the beginning of the movie, we see the human side of Bond, as he's seen recuperating in a New Jersey VD clinic from his former adventures in Vietnam, and nearly being killed by "Hammerhead-Clap". Later, Whilst driving through the country side of Mozambique he saves a young prostitute named Rubella from being maimed to death by two men by killing them with boats. He then follows her to a nearby casino, and she pays him for sex. Bond then is forced into proposing to Rubella by her father, the head of the Gay Jewish Mafia. After a short courtship with marriage advice from James Brown. Bond manages to get lost in Minneapolis and reunite with MI6.
Blofeld, The guy with the cat was decapitated after You Only Live Twice, in a bizarre dumb waiter incident and was grafted a plastic head, while his severed head was given wings. He begins to amass an enormous amount of wealth by posing as Rocky Balboa, falsely advertising to fight Apollo Creed yet again, if he can amass enough money to revive him from the dead. He succeeds, but in the process, has to actu
ally revive Apollo due to copyright laws.
Blofeld, with the assistance of world renown Biologist Robert Plant at his secret motel in the Swiss Alps (Piz Gloria, later became a manufacturer of Pez Dispensers) has created an army of Kurt Cobain clones and threatens emo babies everywhere.
spread her word in Switzerland and publish fifteen volumes of pornographic poetry; in an effort to force Switzerland to give women the right to vote. Bond is then informed of Blofeld's plot,abandons his mission, and disguises himself as an Scottish plastic surgeon with anthropomorphic testicles, and infiltraits Blofeld's skiing stronghold, where he is throwing a Christmas party. The women folk at the party cannot resist Bond's glasses, kilt, accent, or elevation stiffness over the course of the next three days, he has his way with many of a broad. He later bangs the foxy Elton John who, whilst describing her intense phobia of chickens, blows Bond's cover.
After escaping a death sentence by being mauled by a ski lift, Bond skis to saftey, and teams up with Rubella, now working as topless barbarian accountant in the nearby village of Cambodia; they escape from Blofeld's henchmen by interrupting an olympic dirt track racing on ice event. Leading to several athletes death, including, but not limited to Apollo Creed. They eventually escape into the Yukon country side.
Unable to control their raging lust till their impending marriage, Rubella and Bond engage in a four hour long hard core session inside the stable their laying low in whilst The Beatles' rare six hour long live version of Free bird plays in the background.
The next morning, the couple abandon their car and instead rely on their improvised skiing equipment (Made from a camshaft, rocker panels, and an exhaust manifold) to return to England for reinforcements. However, they are interecepted by the cunning and bisexual Revolver Ocelot and his army of raging Stevie Nicks fans. Bond manages to disable them all with an antique snowblower and they continue their escape.
However, in the process, they are attacked by a group of angry Raptors, Rubella is shot in the cloaca and captured, Bond uses this break in the action to make his escape back to Mozambique, meets up with Rubella's father and gather reinforcements, in this case, a fleet of wholesale Red Cross helicopters filled with chinese child laborers and raids Blofeld's mountain top Ski-Genetic-Engineering-Resort-of-Death. He then finds that Rubella was captured by Blofeld, and has been forced to organize his collection of Barry Manalow records, and that the raptors they were attacked by were transexual genetically engineered minions of Blofeld's.
Bond encounters Blofeld in the facility's petting zoo, he reveals to Bond that he has been secretly cloning dinosaur DNA, and intends to create his very own strand of Jurassic themed zoos. Called Cretacious Park. However, his efforts so far have failed, and only produced Lobstermooses.
Sometime during this monoloug 007 accidentally sets the resort on fire whilst stopping to make a grilled cheese, Blofeld, now really pissed, attempts to kill Bond with his silver hammer. Rubella escapes by helicopter, leaving Bond for dead, since no one can resist the bang, banging of Blofeld's silver hammer (She knows from all those lonely nights).
Having had an metal plate inserted into his cheek bones during his former stint as a Japanese guy, 007 manages to deflect the blow of the hammer, causing both him and Blofeld to stumble into the emergency white water slide connecting from the Resort to the town below. Whilst battling each other on innertubes, Blofeld seriously miscalculates and manages to sever both of his cheek bones in the insuing accident. Before his death, 007 removes Blofeld's mask, then he reveals to Bond that his real name is "Sean Maxwell Connery" and is Bond's father. He then activates his self destruct device.
Before the deadly explosion, Bond manuvers his innertube out of harms way, and into the nearest Swiss airport. Where he flys back to Seattle for his wedding. Only during the flight does he fall for Robert Plant instead, abandoning Rubella, Bond pursues career as a janitor at Disneyland.
Following a short career as a janitor, and guitarist; Bond married Robert and had a short term relationship, Plant, being genetically engineered by the Nazis, in the process had frog DNA
spliced in. Giving him the power to change genders in a matter of hours. This created a natural tension between the constantly sexually fluctuating couple, which later lead to a divorce. It is rumored Plant later wrote the song D'yer M'ker as an tribute to his former husband.
Him and Bond had one child, John Hammond; Who later continued Blofeld's research and founded a Dinosaur Petting Zoo off the coast of italy, he did however exhibit a very unstable genetic structure, rapidly aging and often eating dirt. Being 1/4 Plant, he was accidentally eaten by a brachiosaurus during the chaotic grand opening of his park in 1988.
007 continued on to publish several novels filled with pornographic poetry, this was later adapted into a film, called The Chronicles of Narnia. Filmed in Bond's backyard in South Carolina. Chosen not only for convinence, scenery, and it is not illegal to kill, poach, or maim mutant zoo animals in the state.
On His Majesty's Secret Service done well at the box office, raking in an approximate $932,023.34. However critics panned the film for the lack of anti-realism, gadgets, and general degeneration of the character. Despite having filmed the real James Bond in action, fans and the like weren't pleased with the final product, eventually, Lazenby was stoned to death by an angry mob of Sean Connery fans. But brought back to life later. Connery, also was revived for the follow up to this film in hopes to generate more success at the box office.
The following year, On Her Majesty's was remade as On His Majesty's Secret Service by Jimmy Page yet again, however this time the film was mostly recast (Except Lazenby) and lost all of its true Guerrila-Style flaire. It performed somewhat better and led to further confusion in the Canon of the Bond series.
Althought once mentioned on MTV, the possibility of a reunion of the original cast is next to impossible. Jenna Jameson was unavailable for comment, George Lazenby has since begun a career in Reality Televison, James Bond is currently getting laid, William Shatner is artificially inseminating horses, and Blofeld is dead. Robert Plant currently lives inside of his car, Bruce Campbell is still becoming a viking, and everyone else was killed in Vietnam.