“This movie has T-Rexs in it!”
“Grant! Touch the fence for a free life!”
“He Rexed us! He Rexed us!”
“I really hate that man.”
“You all know the fat ones die first!!! (please you god damn chubsters runnnn!!)”
The Jurassic Park is a theme park in the Mediterranean, off the coast of Italy, on the island that is best known as Sicily™. The island and its industry is owned by Google, having bought the rights from Sarah Whatmore in 1985. The general idea is to create ancient animals, known as dinosaurs (or Cloneasauruses) using text extracts from The Da Vinci Code.
First established by Ernest Stravo Blofeld in 1969, he began work to create a chain of dinosaur petting zoos. He was however, interrupted by James Bond. Later, 007's illegitimate son with Robert Plant, John Hammond continued his work. The first park was opened in 1988. However, due to the park forgeting to pay its electric bills, it lost all power. The park was then raped by hungry dinosaurs now hungry for man flesh after living off bulls on cranes for three years.I dont blame them, who wants to eat a big ass mother fucking bull? and as for the great big huge ass mother fucking son of a bitch child raping award winning ass kicking cgi trex, what is he given to satisfy his insattiable hunger (for food)? some scrawny ass hill billys goat? and what is even more upsetting is that unfortunately the trex, in spite of being starved, accidentally didnt manage to eat the goats leg and threw it at the annoying kids when the extra annoying one without a hat askd where the goat is. now they want human flesh! Aaaaaaagggggghhhhhh! WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE HOLY SARDINE WILL WE DO!!! CGI DINOSAURS! THATS LIKE, ATLEAST TWICE AS SCARY AS SNAKES! IM GETTING OUTTA HERE. see ya, mother fucking pussy faced ass wipes who are gay. The remaining survivors escaped the island on a body-copter before it was ultimately destroyed by Operation Shock and Awe. The park did try to reopen in the year 2007, but the dinosaurs in the dinosaur petting zoos kept on biting kids' hands, so it was sued out of existence. This film was directed by Steven Semenberg.
However, as a means of disposing of bisexual dinosaurs, Hammond created a second island as a dump for these animals. This was later visited by many a capitalist in search of creating their own dino-theme park. However most of them died at the hands of the zombie-raptors.
Preparing For A Trip To Jurassic Park
Before you go to Jurassic Park, you should probably bring one or two things, listed here for your ease:
- A gun
- Another gun
- Just in case, another gun.
- In fact, throw in another gun just to be safe
- Oh wait! Throw in another gun for safeness
- Condoms )You dont want little dino babies running around........ OH WAIT!
- A voodoo doll
- Throwing daggers
- A cutlass
- A voodoo staff
- A bunch of ninjas
- A bunch of shotguns
- A bunch of ninjas with shotguns
- A hockey stick
- A flamethrower
- An Iron Man suit and/or Iron Man himself
- A sword
- A Gun
- A sword-gun
- And if you want to just go Rambo on some dinos, a chaingun is preferred
- An extra pair of glasses.
- A clean change of underwear.
- A good lawyer to use as dinosaur bait
- Dino Food
- Joseph Turok
- A predator
- A katana, or a bowie knife will suffice
- Back-up battery if something like, I dunno, a fence stops working/zapping.
- Probably some ammo for that gun
- A Back-up Samuel L. Jackson (the default one wears glasses...how gay is that?!?)
- A Queen Latifah
- A Fanny Fart
- Jeff Goldblum and/or Sam Neil
- A BFG 9000
- Your cute little Kitten, Molly and harry.
- Oh, yeah, another gun
- A sack lunch
- A quarter for the phone call in an emergency
- A sub-machine gun
- A not so "sub" machine gun
- A Large Amphibious Boat with large guns on it
- Some Powerthirst
- A bag of Awesome
- Extra lives
- A Battletank
- The 5000 ways to kill a dinosaur handbook.
- Super Mario
- You know, when I said "Pot", I meant "Pot"
- Kermit the Frog
- A laptop
- Your BlackBerry and/or iPhone
- A Garmin
- Metal Gear
- A one piece bathing suit
- A two piece bathing suit
- Your Dad
- A really tight pair of shorts, dont worry, the annoying kids wont notice.
- A porta potty, in case the plumbing doesn't work
- Your Gameboy to throw at the dinosaurs if they try to eat you.
- Slash's guitar solo from the Guns n' Roses song "November Rain".
- Sam Neil
- Solid Snake
- A Virgin to sacrifice (Justin Bieber, Rebecca Black, and Clay Aiken will suffice)
- Dial Up Modem
- A DVD player
- A camcorder to record it so you can put it on YouTube
- A Fleshlight
- A Lucky Bag With A Shitty Strap
- And children. You'll see why you need them later.
- A parachute or you might find one on a person's skeleton in the park
- A road flare to apparently distract a T-Rex when it is attacking your party's car (NOTE:Don't be a hero, just stay in the fucking car!)
- 8mb PS2 Memory Card
- a dinosaur to fight the other ones, preferably one thats big and not one of those chicken sized ones, like Godzilla.
- King Kong(to fight your dinosaur if it turns on you)
- James Bond
- Whoopie Goldberg
- A Wiffle ball and\or Batman
- An attack chopper
- A Pie
- Dinosaur Repellent - Industrial Strength preferred
- A Bandana for infinite ammo
- Shawn Michaels
- Chuck Norris in case of emergency
- The Joker, so he can have a smiling contest with the raptors
- Andrew Law
- Dinosaur Kryptonite
- A chainsaw strapped to a very pointy stick
- Bill Nye, since he has an expertise since he created a T-Rex robotic Abraham Lincoln
- A 12 year old computer dork for getting out of Dues Ex Machina situations and comic relief
- A 9 year old dinosaur dork for testing electric fences and comic relief
- Did I mention a gun already?
- George "Dubya" Bush, he professionally wrangles dinosaurs.
- A big ass cannon.
- A robot velociraptor in case you meet a velociraptor.
- A robot T Rex in case you meet a robot velociraptor.
- Chuck Norris with a mini gun in case you meet a robot T Rex.
- A nuclear missile in case you meet Chuck Norris.
- Two nuclear missiles in case you meet Chuck Norris with a mini gun.
- Grape juice(This is known to repel Velociraptor)
- Your wife's thongs, and tights.
- And last but not least, a giant meteor, as a last resort plan in case things go bad.
- OH Yeah!!! You might just need a truck with a BIG BUTTED trailer atached to hold all the previous items.
- Just to be safe, bring the entire country of Samoa (However shitty it may be)
- A Cyclopse with a large war club
- Your passport, but don't bother its a laid back faild state for God's sake.
- Bear trap
- A Playboy because you just never know if you found someone.
- Toilet paper for those damn shitty situations.
- Duck tape nuf said.
- Two mercinary pilots who don't know how to fly a plane without clipping a dinosaur.
- All the seasons of The Simpson's for a final laugh before being eaten.
- A heavily armed Chuck Norris with beserker action.
- A shirtless buffed out Abe Lincoln carrying 19th century Gattling gun without the carriage.
- band-aids for minor injuries that are highly unlikely.
- A will, just it.
- Ninja stars
- Dwight K. Schrute to easily challenge, defeat and confuse the dinosaures.
- Poision darts
- Tactical insertion just in case you need to respawn.
- Rapter eggs to strive for a greater challenge.
- A satellite phone from 1997 with a shitty signal.
- Dino droppings to keep dinos away.
- LOTS AND LOTS OF CONDOMS! and KY jelly for the lady.
- Bruce Lee (For a robotic Chuck Norris dinosaur)
- Pedobear ( He's packed with kid tricks)
- After you have either obtained or stolen these items and/or children, get ready to shit yourself, because you're going to Jurassic Park! Like, the fireworks and stuff would be going off right now, but we've got some difficulties. Chaos Theory's a bitch.
- Condoms (You don't want baby dinos running around!)
Fatalities of Jurassic Park
The raptor kitchen scene, along with the main T-Rex scene, have both been widely known as "yellow pants" moments, causing people of all ages to spontaneously lose control of their bladders during their viewings. People have also died watching this, due to intense terror, and later on after the movies in nightmares. Raptor Mares are widely known, experienced, but never popular for obvious reasons. The girl who plays Lex also haunts many people's dreams.
Part 1 Of Your Trip At Jurassic Park
You've probably arrived and found out that the mathematician you had come with is a complete jack-ass. Don't worry about it though, he dies in the book. Get in the cheap-ass Jeeps and start driving to an open pasture. Ignore the fact that you didn't ask the old guy that invited you to Jurassic Park what was actually THERE. Idiot. Yeah, so you're at the open pasture, right? That's a big fucking dinosaur, eh? Get that pot out. Throw up in it. This is your dream. You've wanted to see dinosaurs your entire life and here it is in front of you. Jumping around, eating crap off of trees. That's not all: turn on panorama view and look around: HOLY FUCKING SHIT, there's even more dinosaurs! "They're moving in herds... They DO move in herds, now suck ma dick" you'll say.
After about two movies or so of this same old shit, go to the Jurassic Park Visitors Center. Here you'll find two kids, if you had like, I dunno, forgotten to bring some like you were told to. Sit down and watch the movie where the old guy interacts with himself. If you look closely you can see he actually gets turned on after pricking his clone with a little pin. Ha ha, I said prick.
If you've made it this far into the synopsis of this trip, God bless you. You'll need it for the next part.
Little Known Facts
- In the kitchen scene, the moment the first raptor opens the door with its head for the first time, it utters the magic 'C' word. (No, really.)
- The book is actually pretty darn good, too. Some Chinese scientist guy totally gets killed. Or was he Japanese? Korean? Mongolian? Fuck it, moving on. The Grandpa also dies but it's okay, in the book he's a complete jerk. Like, seriously, a complete jackass shit bag who nobody cares about.
- Despite the fact that it was made in 1993, its CGI has the magic ability to still beat the hell out of all new movies.
- When the idea of putting cavemen into the movie came up, Spielberg rejected it, saying "That's retarded." Then he put aliens in an Indiana Jones movie.
- Jurassic Park is actually a Nazi Propaganda Film.
- In the scene where the T-Rex attacks the kids in the car Dr. Grant had a pistol but did not have the heart to kill it. Plus, it was kinda funny how the kids kept farting while they were screaming.
- When Nedry leaves to steal the dinosaur DNA a deleted scene shows he actually stopped by the vending machines afterwards so he would not have to live with a lie. Or without Snickers.
- When Nedry wrecks his Jeep into the sign to the docks was said by some fans as an act of God.
- Some fans believe the raptor trapped in the freezer is presumed dead. Or really, really cold.
- Spielberg said that the T-Rex roar at the visitor center at the end of the film translates into, "I'm king of the dinosaurs, bitches!"
- So basically, the Grandpa sends his two kids out into the wilds with two scientists he barely knows, a guy in leather and a cowardly lawyer. And then things go to hell.
- That scene where the hot chick discovers Samuel L. Jackson's arm? Samuel L. Jackson actually removed his own arm for the shot, then had it sewn back on. This is because Jackson is completely awesome.
- Several apes were harmed during the making of the film. Mostly because they were damn dirty.
- Spielberg considered Chuck Norris for the role of Dr. Grant but gave up the idea fearing he'd be more intimidating than the T-Rex.
- Samuel L. Jackson's line,"Hold on to your butts.", was originally,"Hold on to your motherfucking butts before I pull the switch bitches!", but Spielberg changed the line fearing it would not catch on for an iconic catch phrase.
- Rumor has it there is a deleted science of Dr. Grant killing the archaeological software programmer with his raptor claw for taking the fun out digging. Also there is said to be an extended version of Dr. Grant destroying the computer with a rock after killing the programer.
- The character Dodgson's name was originally 'Hott Doggs', but actor Wayne Knight though it was too unrealistic for him to yell: "Hott Doggs! We've got Hott Doggs here!"
- When asked the question of how the huge bad ass Tyrannosaurus rex managed to enter the building at the end Spielberg replied: "There was a door". Great! I never noticed that! I must be dumber than Jerry Sienfield!
- ARCHAEOLOGISTS DO NOT DIG THE FUCKING DINOSAURS UP.
- The scene where Nedry puts the shaving cream on the pie was suggested by Wayne Knight.
- The piece of pie with shaving cream on it was given to Spielberg as a joke by Sam Neil, but the joke backfired when Spielberg declined because the pie wasn't Kosher leaving Neil confused.
- The reason why Nedry was laughing hysterically at the what the shaving cream canister concealed was due to Knight smoking a joint just before the scene.
- The can of Barbasol Original used to chill the DNA was chosen by Spielberg because he felt Barbasol Beard Buster would be too suspicious looking.
- The scene where John Hammond screams into the phone after hearing gunshots was actually Richard Attenborough receiving news that he wasn't getting paid.
- Dennis Nedry was actually friends with the Dilophosaurus until he wasn't going to share the money that he would get for the embryos so the dinosaur mugged him of his money and took the embryos to the dock so he would get all the money. He is now the richest man,(or dinosaur) in Costa Rica.
- Spielberg wanted to have a scene where the Costa Rican Air Force launch an offensive on the park, but scrapped the idea due to fear of animal rights groups boycotting the film. On a further note the fact is the Costa Rican Air Force was simply fictional.
Part 2 Of Your Trip At Jurassic Park
You've discovered that the old guy "forgot" to mention where your sleeping quarters are. Don't worry about this, since the machines only take dollar bills. Shitty jokes aside, go on the tour you're offered. Don't buckle your seat belt when you get in the Land Rover. You'll thank me later.
A voice over the car speaker system will say "Don't press the fucking buttons". Listen to him. Continue sitting down and don't worry about the big gate: it will open all by itself. After King Kong has been seemingly held at bay, you will be in the zoo portion of the park. Check it out... see that? The Dilophosaurus is missing. He's eating a fat guy who pressed a fucking button. That's why you don't press the buttons.
Stick your hand in a pile of dinosaur shit and get back in the car.
If it's raining, you're screwed. If it's not raining, skip to the last section of this article. That's YOUR reward for not pressing a goddamn button. Watch as the goat gets eaten. Isn't it lovely? That's a rare steak. If you make it back alive you can have something JUST LIKE IT, only Jello. Also, be advised that the bathroom is off-limits when the T-Rex escapes. Not because he'll eat you but it's very rude to get up and leave during somebody's performance, as is screaming "Ian: FREEZE!". This will get you eaten and taken out of the sequel, unless this is the book. If it's the book then Stephen or J.K. or WHOEVER THE FUCK WROTE IT will bring you back to life. It's magic! Like that stupid magician at your 5th birthday, only not as cheesy! However if you happen to find yourself saving some stupid kids because the girl shines a flashlight at the T Rex begging to be eaten, remember to not move a muscle, because the theme park's T. Rex is a mutant frog that can only see movement.
SO! Make sure you avoid the cliff that comes out of nowhere, or it'll swallow you whole. Just like that stupid lawyer. That's why you don't go off to take a shit when someone's performing. Watch as your car gets pushed off the Cliff. Now, go and rescue the stupid kid, because GOD FORBID you leave behind the stupid kid when he doesn't do anything except annoy you. Climb up a tree and get sneezed on by a fucking dinosaur. THAT's why you don't just sit there like an asshole while it stares at you. I told you to bring a fucking gun, so USE IT, GODDAMNIT!
Begin walking back to the base. Remember to run from more of the fucking dinosaurs, But not before standing in front of the stampede to see how much they resemble flightless shit hawks. Note how that stupid kid you rescued comments on the blood. You see that? It's blood. Not ketchup. Remember that. Run away from the Rex. Right across an open field. Ignore the fact that you are obviously visible, because this is a fucking MOVIE! Fuck the laws of physics and all that shit, because in this world there are time-traveling cars! Like I said, it's MAGIC!
Another thing, if you get into a helicopter or a plane, watch out for the pterodactyls, those pesky, fucks, are always trying to get at ya for your food. One chip and they'll be swarming, they're the seagulls of the park. They're are dinosaurs everywhere and stuff, and most of all don't go for a dip in the sea, one toe and your dead, there's plesiosaurs, ichthyosaurs and mosasaurs in thems waters, so you best beware. The movies suck balls because they take so long to show the pterodactyls and they have no goddamn aquatic reptiles like Plesiosaurus! FUCKERS
The End Bit
So while you're out being chased by the dinosaurs, everybody else is back at base sitting around and bullshitting. One of them goes off to fix the damn computers, but lo and behold! A raptor eats him!
So after that, the British hunter I told you to bring goes to fix the power. Now we see just how important is was to bring the guy, because while she's fixing the power, he's saying "Clever girl", and being eaten! Or at least you THINK he's being eaten. THAT's right, thanks to magic, he'll be revived in the comic! Whoopity fuckin' do!
So now you get back with those stupid kids, and you leave them alone. Bring the Queen Latifah, because now you have to run after the kids, because the little shits have met the fuckin' raptors!
AHA! Because you brought along those fuckin' kids, one of them has shown the ability to actually prove useful and trap one of the raptors! Throw Queen Latifah in the freezer with it, and wait. One of 2 things will happen. One, the raptor will eat her. Chance 2: They will breed and produce a new species of raptor/human hybrids! Just like those cars they make overseas, they will be vastly superior to domestic humans!
So, now that total hell's broken loose, it's time to haul your ass outta Dodge! Go to the computer room and get high on that weed. Why? Because at this point, your influence is moot. Watch as that nerd girl fixes the computers. Tell that old guy to send the damn choppers. Make sure he sends for helicopters, and not bikes. If you don't get that, you will die.
Run away from more raptors, and then stand uselessly in the lobby. Throw in the Joker, and he'll have a smiling contest with the raptors (it'll spare u some time.) Then, LOOKOUT! It's the Huge Fuckin' T. Rex Machina (a Tyrannosaurus Deus Ex Machina) That Comes From Nowhere At All Whatsoever To Save Your Pitiful Ass!
So, now you've survived your trip to Jurassic Park. You know, they should have made it more like the book. As it is, you've got a fucking credit sequence to go through, so pull out your Gameboy. Aren't you glad I told you to bring it?