Christopher Walken

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“What does a guy have to do to get a fucking croissant around here?”

“This watch...”

~ Christopher Walken on That Watch He Hid Up His Ass for Two Years in Hanoi

Founder of all three monotheistic religions as well as agnosticism, and more cowbellism and the original prophet of the Church of Walkentology, Christopher Walken, whose name is an anagram for God, is the oldest living human being. Currently residing two kilometers below the Earth's crust, Walken lives in complete solitude. However, every three years, he surfaces to feed on discarded fetal tissue and appear in a feature film.

Walken has defied death many times. The most famous of these was when he survived a bullet to the head causing damage to the brain. He survived, but the bullet affected his rhythym of speech and often causes him to do sudden off-beat pauses when he is talking.

History Part II[edit]

Walken's snack of choice.

It is widely believed that Mr. Walken was actually Adam, and that he pushed Eve down some stairs after she got a little too fresh. Having been around forever he may in fact be immortal. 5,000 years before Jesus Christ was stoned to death by jealous noobs, Walken began writing the first books of the holy Bible. These Books later became the screenplay to the greatest film trilogy of all time: Star Wars Lord of the Rings and the Bible. In The Bible, Walken explains how Earth was created, how human beings should behave while they are alive, and how to make Five Million Dollars in Just Six Easy Steps. He may or may not have been Pontius Pilate. But he was definitely Julius Caesar and William Shakespeare, the name under which he also wrote the Bible with help from the Earl of Sandwich Sir Francis Bacon.

Walken continues to write regularly, despite the fact that nobody's reading. His latest book is entitled "How I Keep My Hair."

Taken from the Walken family photos.

Walken's voice, contrived from his father (Who was found dead at a trucker convention), may actually be the effect of a disease that also causes nightly cold sweats. "Walken is a lucky man to still be alive, after all he's been through," Says doctor Reynolds of Walken's hometown, "His pre-pubescent voice scared the hell out of everyone." Reports of neighborhood residences who grew up around Walken as a child, stated that his voice could "tear through the ears of even a deaf, blind, crippled man." Thankfully he matured early and at the age of just six Walken hit puberty.

Accidental Discovery of North America[edit]

In the year 1492, Walken commissioned Christopher Columbus to sail to Tahiti to bring back fresh Mai-Tais. Columbus neglected to obtain the Mai-Tai's. In his anger, Walken conjured a new western continent to banish Columbus to for eternity to walk amongst the feral wilderness in search of the forgotten Mai-Tais. "Columbus was a fucking noob," historian William L. Shirer would later comment in his book the Rise and More Rise of Christopher Walken.

Dark Days of the Walken[edit]

For many of Walken's millennia on this glorious Planet Earth, he has remained in virtual solitude, evolving sophisticated technologies capable of paralyzing even a Glasgow Urban Monkey. He decided at the dawn of the mid-20th Century to return from his biblical Studies with a very impressive idea for a new work of fiction, to rival even The Watch and the Ass.

This work later became known to the ordinary citizens of the Galactic Cosmos of Glasgow as World War 2: Bongs, Stalin, and Winston Churchtickler. And so Christopher found it within himself to self produce three children by breading with his own ear wax creating Joseph Stalin, Winston Churchill, and Rose Pettels; as well as a fourth son, whom he beat with a stick for his disfigured genitalia: Hitler.

Unfortunately, Hitler's childhood experiences led to serious psychological problems in later life, resulting in Operation Barbarossa in the summer of 1985. Fortunately, at this great time of tragedy, Walken managed to unite his four sons with his moving performance in King of the Gerbils, and the Empire was saved. The sons later killed themselves, though.

His Greatest Trial[edit]

Artist's really awful rendition of Oprah's flight

In 1066 A.C., Christopher Walken had joined forces with Mr. T to foil the plans of Count Chocula, Booberry, Frankenberry, Fruit Brute, and Yummy Mummy. The so-called "Triumvirate of Evil Breakfast-Cereal Characters" allegedly attempted to combine their powers in an all-out assault on breakfast itself.

It was later discovered that Oprah Winfrey set up the Triumvirate in one of many efforts to assassinate Ted Kennedy. Walken and Mr. T successfully defeated these operations. In defeating the Triumvirate the duo terminated Booberry and returned Count Chocula's Magical Left Testicle to its rightful owner, The Metropolitan Museum of Fine Truffles. Winfrey escaped while Mr T. was distracted with a lesson on drugs he was giving to Frankenberry.



Scientist have discovered that Christopher Walken actually has a very strange "I'll take any movie at all" disorder to which the only plausible medication is More Cowbell! The cowbell thus, is Christopher Walken's existential life force. Without a regular hourly dose of cowbell Christopher Walken would either die or worse, lose his ability to be awesome. Numerous times, Walken has also referred to the cowbell as his "weapon of choice," despite no evidence that such a weapon exists. If it did, however, then Walken would be one of the chosen few that could wield it, and he could kill a grue with it easily.

Through his daily over dosage of cowbell, Christopher Walken is given the ability to fly, invincibility, and most importantly his ability to grant fans his gold plated diapers. This disease was obtained by stroking Mozart's pet frog who was charged the death penalty. Mozart moved on to being a child prodigy who created the number one kindergarten hit twinkle twinkle little star. This was an act of letting out his emotions on the whole incident. Mozart later committed suicide, by cutting his wrist listening to "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star". This is one of the first acts of being, so called, emo.


God Christopher Walken started off as a young proprietor of Om num num. He would scale Oprah daily to harvest the massive deposits of Cheetos she had wedged in her cleavage. After becoming the chief source of Om num num for the tri-country area, he raised enough money to by water wings and swim to Buttfuck, Idaho. After being there for a few hundred years he got bored of being epic and eating out the Olsen Twins and joined the band Slipknot as the lead cowbellist. He was subsequently ejected from the band however, for roundhouseowning Dora the Explorer and popping her head like a fuck-mothering melon. Chrissy hung low for a while after that.

No one wanted him in their movies anymore, partly because he was a fucking psycho meth-addicted smut-woman, and partly because he round housed any mo-fucker stoopid enough to come within two hundred feet of him. However, things started looking up for Capt. Walken when he got one of the lead rolls in the movie bunnies The Battle at Tunggusta Peak II: Alaskify This along with Chuck Norris, Ving Rhames, Steve Buscemi, Samuel L. Jackson Emperor Palpatine, Eli Crow, Karl Marx, Kermit the Frog, Chairman Mao, and Oscar mother-fuck-mothering Wilde. The movie was a huge success and grossed over seven million Microsofts in Soviet Britain. Sadly Christopher 'Hellyeahmofuck' Walken the VII overdosed on Jesus-Juice and collapsed the universe in on himself. He will be missed for his acting prowess, bat fuck insanity, and his round house kicks that could knock a bitch out without even touching them.

Fun Facts[edit]

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Christopher Walken.
  • He can summon an army of robotic land-sharks to do his bidding.
  • Christopher Walken drives cars upside-down, pressing the pedals with his hands and steering with his feet.
  • He can combine with Barrack Obama, Mr. T, and the fat girl from hairspray to become the menacing, WALKENATOR.
  • Christopher Walken denies it he in fact was responsible for killing John Lennon. Instead he blamed it on a schizophrenic sociopath.
  • Christopher Walken can count higher than Britney Spears.
  • Christopher's evil dreams can become realities if he so chooses, he is actually one of the few people who can genuinely say 'I made Internet Explorer v6'.
  • Christopher's brother is Sean Bean.
  • He can hide a watch up his ass for years at a time.
  • He thinks birds are just flying optical illusions.
  • Christopher Walken is afraid of Frankenstein.
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